My domestic shortcomings

Boy, oh boy...

Now it's my turn at venting. Please be kind.

Everyday, I get up in the morning and right before I get up, I try to make a plan of all the things I have to do in the day. Sometimes, I can only do a few, so whatever is left gets carried over to the next day. I sort of put the urgent (usually of the financial genre) and the important (pretty much whatever concerns my children) first, then everything else gets pushed down the list.

What can I say... I have been the sole caregiver and provider for my two children for the last 6 years (they're now 10 and 7), and over this time, I've had to set priorities almost entirely based on their needs. It's been difficult all along, both physically and financially. You can guess, how many material things we go without: presents are always modest, but emphasis always goes on values and principles. Oh yes, I make my children understand that no matter how little they get, there are always other children that get less.

An yet it still boggles my mind, how some people are capable of telling me what my children "need", a base for judging I believe, but not entirely sure. I've had a teacher at my children's school, who has taken a keen interest on my daughter's welfare, telling me that my daughter sometimes doesn't look too clean, especially when it comes to her fingernails, which are sometimes so full of dirt, you could almost grow something in between. She actually arranged two full meetings with me to see what "we could do to help her".

Ok, I admit it, I'm somewhat unconventional at times, and I put priority on things that might be somewhat different. Food for instance, my children were breastfed for a year, they have never touched a baby-food jar, they started eating off-the-table at 4 months (they were big alright) and at restaurants at 6 months. As a result, they have no allergies, they don't get sick at all when they travel, and they eat whatever you put in front of them even if it's only vegetables.

My other excentricity about raising my children has been language: they fully understand 4 languages, read and write the most difficult one, speak fairly well a second, and get by in the third. Then, there's the aspect of sports: the oldest likes a couple, on which I spend discretionary money that I could use to buy an extra bottle of wine and the like. The youngest, my daughter is barely starting to gain interest, so I make the effort of driving an hour back and forth to play soccer.

Needless to say, I can only do this because I get tax credits (actual $$$) and use them in government based initiatives for children. Oh, I forgot, yes I work some more hours than I should in a week, on top of the driving, the cooking, the childrearing, etc. Oh yes, let's not forget, that there's no money nor time left for any recreation of my own.

Please don't ask about the father... you know what a zero to the left means, so there's no point in considering this.

What a drag... and this comes when I was just thinking that maybe... maybe I could start dating again. Now, it seems, I have to redouble my efforts to become a better parent so that my daughter does look like a princess day in and day out, because this is the only way that some people could evaluate my child-rearing abilities. Oh, and lest not forget, little girls get valued for looking pretty, not for being the fastest kid in their team.

Maybe it's really my own fault for being so weak as to explain myself rather than just send people somewhere else. I'm sure this teacher has my daughter's best interests in mind, and I'm sure previous brushes of the same kind with my own relatives, my ex's relatives, or whoever, have come up also because they care about my children... maybe I'm missing something...

Gosh....I'd be in real trouble if I gave a flying "f" what others have told me is "best" for my child :rolleyes:
If it is from someone I respect and/or love.....I do listen and take their thoughts into consideration.
Bottom line is this.....it is up to me to raise my daughter and it is me who is ultimately responsible for her.
Meanwhile, I am only going through this world once.... as far as I can tell lol...
Happy mother....happy child!
And you know what....she is doing just fine!
Blessings, TD

Now, it seems, I have to redouble my efforts to become a better parent so that my daughter does look like a princess day in and day out, because this is the only way that some people could evaluate my child-rearing abilities. Oh, and lest not forget, little girls get valued for looking pretty, not for being the fastest kid in their team.

I have never understood molding a child after artificial, societal stereotypes rather than allowing them to choose things and activities they enjoy. Life as an adult is mentally binding enough so I see no point into starting these restrictions early on.

While fairly athletic and quite strong, I didn't have the coordination, balance and aptitude to play sports above average. My father spent my entire youth trying to ram a football down my throat, and I resisted. Instead, I wanted to keep up my violin lessons because 1) I was actually very good at it and 2) I really enjoyed it.

My freshman year of high school I tried out for the football team and everyone who tries out makes the team. I spent the entire season sitting on the bench, waiting for the three quarterbacks before me to be injured or removed from the game for other reasons. I never got to play in a game. I never got to try. What's the point? Immediately after football season I joined the orchestra, and as I did from grades 3 through 8 I ended up in "first chair", and remained there until I graduated.

My parent's hated "violin" because it's "girly". There were four boys out of say, 40 in the orchestra, and the other three played "manly" instruments like double bass or cello.

From my experience, I say to heck with everyone else and allow your child to explore her world the way she wants to explore it - in a safe manner of course. If she wants to sew and knit, great. If she wants to roughhouse on the lawn and get covered in mud, great.

My 3 y/o's son's favorite stuffed toy is a pink pony, and it's his best friend, and is in his bed every night. "Pink Pony" goes on road trips, to friend's houses, just about everywhere. While he loves the typical "boy" activities like soccer (and ball of any kind actually), he also likes to use his imagination and set up various stuffed animals on the sofa and we play "tea party". We have to get dressed up for this too, outfits dictated by him of course. Usually he wears "Dockers" and a particular striped shirt he's fond of, and I'm instructed to also wear Dockers and a dress/corporate shirt. Apparently his tea parties are formal. He's using his imagination to explore the world around him, and I'm encouraging it. I don't care of other 3 y/o boys play "tea party" or focus on sports. Those other boys aren't my son.

Maybe it's really my own fault for being so weak as to explain myself rather than just send people somewhere else. I'm sure this teacher has my daughter's best interests in mind, and I'm sure previous brushes of the same kind with my own relatives, my ex's relatives, or whoever, have come up also because they care about my children... maybe I'm missing something...

Naaah. What they are missing is that boyhood and girlhood aren't the rigidly defined categories society would like us to believe... boys are supposed to be "built and handsome" and girls are supposed to be "cute and pretty". This is why "girl toys" are Barbie’s, Dora's head glued on a plastic desk with hair a girl can brush, and boys toys are cap guns, water pistons, and sporting equipment.

Guess what... if my son wants a Dora head on a desk to brush her hair, he's getting one for Christmas. If he wants another super-soaker, he's getting that also.

I genuinely do not care what my son's interests are or will be, but whatever they are I will absolutely encourage him to 1) enjoy himself 2) be the best he can be at whatever he chooses and 3) not worry about what others think of the things he enjoys.

What a drag... and this comes when I was just thinking that maybe... maybe I could start dating again.

I've been pondering this myself and I have not been able to reconcile this in my own head, so I am not in a healthy position to offer advice. I've tried to be in a relationship twice since my son was born, one time was a "false start" whereas after a couple of coffee dates that was it (and I posted about that scenario, and why I ended up on Ageless in the first place), and before that I was in a relationship for a few months that started off okay, but after a short while there was an uncomfortable amount of pressure for me to essentially have my son raised by sitters so I can go out several nights a week to play pool, hang out, or whatever. I was unable to "negotiate" a balance somewhere between what is realistic versus what she wanted, so ultimately that relationship went down the tubes. The catalyst that officially ended the relationship was an obnoxious ultimatum she made - do "X" or it's over. I wasn't sure if she was bluffing or not but I am not going to make decisions based on unfair ultimatums so I simply said "If you truly feel that way, I guess this is over. Best of luck to you." then hung up. She called back about 10 times that evening, which I let go to voicemail. Her voicemails at first were more empathetic but as I got further through the answering machine they were more hostile, aggressive, and the last one was unrepeatable. Made the ending that much easier actually.

Anyway, back to the original issue. On the one hand, I'd really enjoy being in a relationship, on the other hand, I know well what that means, and I'm unsure of my capacity to put the effort and time commitment into one at this moment, due to my son being 3. As discussed on another thread, my focus is spread very thin. I've for the most part managed to keep this house of cards from toppling, but to consider permanently (hopefully anyway) distracting myself with a serious relationship, well, that house of cards might come crashing down. And who gets hurt? Pretty much everyone within the blast radius - the gal I'm involved with, my son, and of course, me. Twice in fact, because I've hurt a gal I'm at least fond of, and hurt my son.

So I really don't have a good answer to you, but can only offer a commiserating parallel to my own life. I've watched a lot of my divorced friends go completely the other way whereas they've really ignored their children in order to have an adult life. Certainly that's not healthy for anyone either... but I myself have absolutely no idea where the line of balance is...

This is why, at least to some degree, I've considered "other" types of relationships, even though to be honest, I'm not thrilled about such things conceptually, and instead remain inert.

You sound overwhelmed, I know that it's hard. Ive been there too with the full time job, full time school and 4 kids on my own but things get better! And you find peace and moments of satisfaction where you can.

I have one question though? Did I miss the part where the teacher was judging your daughters looks? Because according to your writings it appeared to be a matter of hygiene not looks.

I've had a teacher at my children's school, who has taken a keen interest on my daughter's welfare, telling me that my daughter sometimes doesn't look too clean, especially when it comes to her fingernails, which are sometimes so full of dirt, you could almost grow something in between. She actually arranged two full meetings with me to see what "we could do to help her".

I know kids get dirty, lol boy do I know how kids get dirty and I know that the rougher the play the grubbier the kid but I have never had a teacher pull me into a meeting because one of the kids was too dirty and I dont know how I would have reacted if that had happened, I probably wouldnt have been able to think of anything to say either.

Dont be too hard on yourself being a single parent is hard work, trying to keep it all together is hard too, you need some time to yourself even if it's just so that you can have a long shower to scream.

You sound overwhelmed, I know that it's hard. Ive been there too with the full time job, full time school and 4 kids on my own but things get better! And you find peace and moments of satisfaction where you can.

Gee, 4 kids eh? Boy, I don't know how you did it, so kudos to you. What I know is that things get better, as this has been going on for a few years now.

I have one question though? Did I miss the part where the teacher was judging your daughters looks? Because according to your writings it appeared to be a matter of hygiene not looks.

I think it was more the hygiene problem, but she also expressed concerns about smell and how my daughter could be laughed at, and this could have repercusions on her self esteem. I can barely hide a smile... each kid has their own personality, and my little one is indeed a tough cookie, and proven not just by my own standards. As a result, I don't let anyone babysit her fearing that I could make enemies. I mean she's a great kid, but has a somewhat scary strength of character that requires some serious negotiating skills.

Anyway, just as a post scriptum, the teacher in question wants to take the class for a picnic, and of course, she expects everyone to take a dish. I don't consider this a problem, but honestly, I don't feel I want to spend an afternoon around this lady, and besides we have one of those sports activities already on the schedule. So, I said I couldn't attend. She came back at me insisting on my going with both my kids.

This woman is actually from Paris, France, and now I'm beginning to think that maybe she's got a colonialist syndrome of some sort. Honestly, if someone I'm not related to tells me that they don't want to do something, I will not insist out of respect. Really, I am finding it harder and harder to keep my mouth shut.

While I am unaware of fingernail dirt causing lethal injuries, I'll give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and say maybe it's causing a distraction in her class or another parent has complained to her about it.

At least she's trying to work with you so even though it feels unfair just try to resolve it so it doesn't become a bigger issue than it needs to be.

Have you considered getting her a fingernail brush? They are inexpensive; I got mine from a dollar store. I use one on my toddler (she gets into everything) and that seems to get rid of most the dirt. Could you buy one for your daughter and have her use it when she takes her bath?

That would eliminate all the drama that seems to be over it without risking anyone upsetting your daughter at school.

You sound very busy so I wouldn't spend any more energy on the matter!

While I am unaware of fingernail dirt causing lethal injuries, I'll give the teacher the benefit of the doubt... Have you considered getting her a fingernail brush?... That would eliminate all the drama that seems to be over it without risking anyone upsetting your daughter at school.

Agreed and done, except that there's always something else: first, the fingernails; then, the smell which was really my fault (we went on a trip, and something was still humid, then came back and had no time to do laundry again), now it's the picnic. And trust me, noone is able to upset my daughter unless they don't give her what she wants at the very instant.

Fortunately the school year is ending, so I'll have some respite during the summer. I find all this amusing at its best, and annoying at its worst, so not a lot energy spent here except the kindness of everyone here willing to listen and repply, which already provides me with the needed relief.

Agreed and done, except that there's always something else: first, the fingernails; then, the smell which was really my fault (we went on a trip, and something was still humid, then came back and had no time to do laundry again), now it's the picnic. And trust me, noone is able to upset my daughter unless they don't give her what she wants at the very instant.

I guess I misread this entire thread. So much for keeping my foot out of my mouth.

Anyway, while my son craves wallowing in mud (and other such dirty activities), through creating a routine we're very good at cleaning him up - daily.

He brushes his teeth three times a day - after every major meal. If I forget to make sure this happens at this point he reminds me at the top of his lungs.

Every night before bed he has a tub, and part of that is washing and conditioning his hair, and brushing his finger/toe nails with a soft toothbrush. Again, if I don't remind him he reminds me.

As far as keeping clothes clean... it's tough to keep up for sure... on days we play outside (which is most days) I've just made it a habit to go down in the basement every night and move wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, and re-fill the washer with the day's absolutely filthy toddler clothes and turn on both machines. Sundays I wash my weeks worth of clothes.

I find routine works for me and my son. Otherwise it's scatterbrain city here lol.

NOT BEING OFFENSIVE, JUST SHARING...

Recently I went to a trip to NYC with my daughter's H. S. orchestra and I was talking to one of the male teachers, and I do not know how we got to the subject, which I found shocking, but he was telling me that lots of the kids, I says sure the boys, he said no ma'am, you be surprised but many times its more the girls than the boys, they SMELL, lack of proper hygiene... I was shocked!

greenpetunia maybe the teacher meant well, and in fact your daughter smells and maybe the kids are making fun of her.

I believe that proper hygiene must be taught at an early age, otherwise when they get to be teenagers it would get much worse, as it is teens are lazy, so imagine, bad hygiene to add to it, not a good combination.

Please greenpetunia, make the effort for your kids to look and smell well, I am not talking about pretty or having expensive stuff but being cleaned and groomed, it will pay in the long term...

Wishing you the best!

I guess I misread this entire thread. So much for keeping my foot out of my mouth.

Anyway, while my son craves wallowing in mud (and other such dirty activities), through creating a routine we're very good at cleaning him up - daily.

He brushes his teeth three times a day - after every major meal. If I forget to make sure this happens at this point he reminds me at the top of his lungs.

Every night before bed he has a tub, and part of that is washing and conditioning his hair, and brushing his finger/toe nails with a soft toothbrush. Again, if I don't remind him he reminds me.

As far as keeping clothes clean... it's tough to keep up for sure... on days we play outside (which is most days) I've just made it a habit to go down in the basement every night and move wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, and re-fill the washer with the day's absolutely filthy toddler clothes and turn on both machines. Sundays I wash my weeks worth of clothes.

I find routine works for me and my son. Otherwise it's scatterbrain city here lol.

Routine, routine, routine is how parents with a lot of kids and parents of toddlers survive. lol

While I had 4 kids when I was divorced, I now have 5 thanks to my fiance. :mad::p

So ages for my kids are 16yr boy, 14yr girl, 12yr girl, 8 yr boy and 1 year pain in the butt girl. damn...I lost my train of thought looking at all those kids.:p

Oh yeah! Routine! Is a beautiful thing. Ive mentioned before that I have a chores list on my fridge and a dinner list on my fridge. Everyone cooks in this house 1 day a week except the 8 year old and the baby and everyone does chores one day a week except for the 1 year old.

Getting the 8 year old to take a bath is a battle lol. I dont know how many times in one night I have to repeat myself for him to get into the bath with the final threat of " Either you get yourself in the shower OR I will strip you naked myself and scrub you down." This usually has him running with a towel to the bathroom to have a shower, since having his mother see him naked would be the worst horror ever.:rolleyes:

At 7 and 10 your children should be able to do the laundry if they have access to a washer and dryer. It's not a very hard chore and it's one of the easy ones that the kids start out with at my home, that and taking out the garbage.

I learned that the hard way, but very quickly. We have a fairly rigid schedule here on days I'm not working, to the point where my son will point at the clock if we've missed a time where something should happen, especially when we're late for "playtime".

I can't complain that he's learning to be punctual :)

He helps me with most chores... loading the dishwasher, cooking, vaccuming, dusting (his favorite), etc. He likes to help fold laundry too.

All this was achieved through repetition and routine. I made a weekly chart in MS Word which is on the fridge, and as we do things on different days I let him check it off to feel "accomplishment", even if I'm the one doing that particular task.

I owe my cousin for this suggestion... it's worked very well.

NOT BEING OFFENSIVE, JUST SHARING...
greenpetunia maybe the teacher meant well, and in fact your daughter smells and maybe the kids are making fun of her.

I believe that proper hygiene must be taught at an early age, otherwise when they get to be teenagers it would get much worse, as it is teens are lazy, so imagine, bad hygiene to add to it, not a good combination.

Completely agree TBC. I'm sure the lady means well, and trust me, hygiene is not the problem as I see it, but rather how quickly people start assuming when it comes to child-rearing. It doesn't matter if a kid is multilingual, plays the piano, plays competitive sports, is healthy as a bull, polite and well mannered. No, no... "look that kid had dirt on her nails the other day", and of course, "we have to do something to save her from her mother".

Now, the issue is not dirty nails, or smelly clothes, but why aren't you coming to this beautiful picnic so that she can enjoy herself better. I wish I could spare this from the well-meaning teacher, so I can get home before 9pm on that day.

At 7 and 10 your children should be able to do the laundry if they have access to a washer and dryer. It's not a very hard chore and it's one of the easy ones that the kids start out with at my home, that and taking out the garbage.

Yes, this is a great idea, which I'm going to start implementing as of this weekend.

He helps me with most chores... loading the dishwasher, cooking, vaccuming, dusting (his favorite), etc. He likes to help fold laundry too.

In spite of her strong temperament, my daughter likes to help me, but I'm adamant to let her do it in the kitchen. I cook the old way, everything from scratch, and I have very good kitchen tools to do the job. Too good for my own confort.

All this was achieved through repetition and routine. I made a weekly chart in MS Word which is on the fridge, and as we do things on different days I let him check it off to feel "accomplishment", even if I'm the one doing that particular task.

My goodness TM! A MS Word chart! Your son must be so cute...

I have to say though that my son has a perfect sense of punctuality, but my daughter is another bucket altogether. In the morning, I have to threaten her (only once though because I won't repeat myself to her), so that she comes out of the door on time, and pretty much this is the only thing that has worked so far. This worries me at times, but maybe some of you have more ideas on this.

In spite of her strong temperament, my daughter likes to help me, but I'm adamant to let her do it in the kitchen. I cook the old way, everything from scratch, and I have very good kitchen tools to do the job. Too good for my own confort.

I make most everything from scratch also, simply because I feel microwaved/boxed/prepackaged food is less healthy than made at home with good ingredients. Since I am not as verse in cooking as you, I use one of many cookbooks and my son and I work through them together, as a team. This promotes:

1. Food that is edible and healthy, unlike most of the microwaved goop often boxed as "food".

2. We can do this together which he enjoys, and I can keep my eye on him for when he's not in the same room as me often times he climbs things, like my living room floor-to-ceiling bookcases, immediately followed by the dreaded "thud".

3. It's one of several ways I encourage reading. We read the whole recipe together, word by word, trying to get him to sound them out. We're just starting and he enjoys this so I think this is a fun way of starting him off.

4. "Teamwork". My son enjoys doing things together, no matter what it is. Thanks to "Wonderpets" on Noggin he's been chanting "teamwork Daddy" for the past year... so fine with me, even though most of the time his "help" extends whatever it is we are doing.

Regarding kitchen appliances and cutlery, my son is not allowed to touch anything even remotely sharp. So far I've not had a problem with the continual "Can I do that?" question as I simply give him something else to do. While I'm slicing up the meat, he can mix the sauce or marinade.

Standard bait and switch. What I will do when he figures this out I have no idea :(

Most of the time he plays "fetch", meaning he gets the ingredients out of the fridge as necessary. Like you, I worry about safety in the kitchen. This is partly why I myself suffer cutting things with butter knives rather than the good cutlery - just in case my back is turned for the 3 seconds necessary for his curious (and sticky) fingers to find something sharp to poke himself with.

My goodness TM! A MS Word chart! Your son must be so cute...

We have many charts, and I started making them for myself so I could be consistent, but quickly discovered my son loves to see his own progress as well, and really gets into them.

We have a chart for our daily routine, which differs a little for each weekday. As we end one "event" and start another, he gets to check them off with a blue crayon.

We have a "potty chart" in the upstairs bathroom whereas each calendar day is listed 1-31 with eight boxes next to each date. Every time he uses the potty and not a diaper, he gets a sticker of his choosing and can peel it off himself and stick it in the next box on that day. Someone gave me a box of 50,000 1/2" square stickers so this was a good way to use them.

We have another chart on the fridge which has the four food groups:

(1) meats, poultry, fish, eggs;
(2) dairy products, such as milk, cheese, and yogurt;
(3) grains;
(4) fruits and vegetables.

I print one out every morning as I wait for the percolater and together, after every meal and snack, he marks with his blue crayon what he had by adding "X" in the box with the above four labels. Again, this is a time-eater and he enjoys it so I don't view learning the four food groups to be a bad thing.

Dispite my "rigid" schedule, I have to make major allowances as "life happens". For example, the 2am trip to collect my ex off her stoop and take her to the hospital ruined the schedule for a few days. Perfectly fine. My working does the same, as does house projects. But we try to stick with it the best we can because if things happen at a certain time, I can plan my non-baby life around it easier, and his expectations are "set" in a way.

For example, this afternoon was "pool time" for a couple of hours, and he resisted getting out of the pool to go inside to dry off so we could make dinner. "It's not dinner time yet Daddy" to which I said "Why don't you check the chart?". "Okay Daddy, lift me out" which i did, and he ran inside leaving a trail of wet footprints through the kitchen. He came back outside a minute later and yelled "Daddy, it's dinner time, come inside and help me make dinner!".

This way the "chart" is the bad guy, not Daddy. Since I'm by myself in all this, I don't have a significant other to play good cop/bad cop, so I try to always position myself as good cop and let the chart do the dirty work.

Also regarding rigidity, each day has a little "computer time" where he can play various games he enjoys, some are online (pbskids, noggin, etc) others are local on the PC. Now that the weather is nice(r) he often asks to give up computer time for outdoor time, typically pool time. Am I going to say no to that? Of course not. In the pool kid! Even though computer time is when I used to do laundry, write bills and so on. Things I now do at 6am before he wakes up each day.

I'm from BC and I can totally see where your daughter's teacher is coming from. After all, she is from Paris, France, where everything and everyone is so civilized and after all, we are simply "the colony". pfffffftttt *insert rude word here*

Sounds like Teacher is a pretentious so-and-so. Your children sound just fine to me. Like Angel pointed out, I've never heard of fingernail dirt causing life-threatening danger to any child. If your child is reasonably clean and doesn't smell like something rotting in the sun and she's not concerned about whether or not she has a perfect "french manicure" then there's no problem.

It sounds to me like you are doing the important things in life for your children; raising them to be healthy, whole, socially skilled, talented, well rounded, world-savvy, functional wonderful human beings.

And that is a LOT more than most parents are doing.

I say KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!! :yes:

I'm from BC and I can totally see where your daughter's teacher is coming from. After all, she is from Paris, France, where everything and everyone is so civilized and after all, we are simply "the colony". pfffffftttt *insert rude word here*

Oh rosiesue, don't we actually know where our place is? I hope you don't have as many of those characters as we do on this side of the country. I don't think even the nationalists stand them. You really got that one, didn't you?

Standard bait and switch. What I will do when he figures this out I have no idea :(

Really TM, when my children are at their best, they're not even half as nice as what your son seems to be. What a blessing.

Really TM, when my children are at their best, they're not even half as nice as what your son seems to be. What a blessing.

I must have misclicked earlier, or maybe Ageless is tired of my prolific ways as my reply didn't make it through.

I will admit I'm blessed - my son is really easy compared to other children I've met throughout my life. He's completely a type B personality, and for the most part as long as I explain why the answer is "no" or "not yet" generally he's very good about it. I usually follow the explaination with "bait and switch" and so far that's fine with him, but I know that will change at some point as he's starting to test rules and boundaries more often than before.

When I significantly miss the mark for the three big meals or his bedtime, we get thrown off enough that sometimes he goes into 'defcon 5' and becomes real fussy and uncooperative. My fault of course and this is why all road trips we go on (for any reason) the plug-in cooler comes with us packed with juice boxes, fruit, yogart, etc. and I always have a set of PJ's with me "just in case".

The bait and switch works very well to thwart unhappiness, and I perform this in this manner:

When he "demands" something I cannot give him (tangible or not), I immediately offer two other choices and show them to him and let him pick what he wants. Silly, but recent example. About an hour before dinner a few weeks ago he demanded ice cream. If I gave it to him dinner would be ruined and he'd be unhappy later on, but he kept opening the freezer and pulling out the ice cream so I didn't want to make it a "No! No! No!" scenario, so without getting into it I quickly pulled out two frozen juice pops - one cherry and one grape, and waved them in front of him and said he's welcomed to have whichever one he chooses. He smiled, put the container of ice cream on the floor, then said "I want the Grape one!". I handed it to him and he peeled off the wrapper and shoved it in his mouth, while I scopped the ice cream container and tossed it into the freezer. I opened the cherry one and we went outside together into his play area. Ice cream forgotten.

Of course after dinner he remembered he wanted ice cream, but since he ate at least as much as usual, I didn't mind giving him a little bowl of it.

I do this with anything that if I resist, may result in a painful outburst. Most of the time this works out, but once in a while we just have the meltdown anyway and that's when I really struggle. For whatever reason, even though during a melt down he's more than happy to hug and cling for a while, I don't seem to have a naturally calming effect on the lad. If it's a particularly long experience, I typically end up with teethmarks on my collarbone as a reminder of my imperfections :)

I do not know if this is the "most correct" way of handling such issues with a 3 y/o, but it seems to work out so I've continued it.

Actually in thinking about it, it's not really a bait and switch in entirety, it's more of a Hobson's choice : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobson's_choice.