Good bye ageless It is really over….

Well as most of you know from my later posts I went to spend the summer with my o/w girl friend in TX. Well it has been 8 days so far. The first days where great we had so much fun! but after 4 days in to it I became ill, I had come down with a severe sinus infection and well I guess my g/f… (Well I can say my ex girl friend now) in this time had been chatting a lot with her abusive Ex husband. I remember the first day it started. She had asked if I wanted to come over and spend the evening with her and her kids. I said “I don’t really feel up to it tonight I really don’t feel good” and I guess she took it as I didn’t want to be with her kids. I told her that wasn’t the case [but] I would need time anyway to get use to the kids so please don’t get mad if don’t want to come over one night or something because I never dealt with kids before and I am still getting use to the idea. Well I guess that night when I didn’t come over her husband called and she told him all about my age and location and he even knew about where I am currently living in TX. After she did that he has been calling her like crazy guess he was thinking that if he didn’t get with her soon enough it would be over between them and he would have to pay child support. I remember she came over to my room on her lunch break to spend time with me and spent the whole time just talking to him on the phone in front of me. I mean for 8 months she had no feelings for this guy. She told me the only things they have in common are the kids and what he has done to her she would never go back to him and said this over and over again and made me believe this till I came down…. Well the day she was suppose to take me to the doctor she decided to break up with me instead I got a lovely text that morning when I woke up saying “we need to talk”. I was so confused and so shocked I really couldn’t even think I was to sick too I could barely breathe. She couldn’t even look me in the eyes when she told me and when I tried to talk to her about it she turned me a deaf ear (it was like talking to a brick wall with a tape recorder glued on it). Well lucky I made some good friends down here that are doing all the things she said she would do like take me to the doctor! I really am lucky because I never been here long enough to make friends before and They even offered to take me to the airport. So I am going back tomorrow… I feel crushed my heart is not there anymore I can barely think straight breathing is so hard. The Thing that gets the most POed is that her and her kids are going to get hurt again by this ***hole and she knows it. I asked her why she is doing it? And why am I going home, After 8 months we talked about it! And she still hasn’t told me why. The little bit she does mutter out to me is that “randy (her husband) wants his family back”. She has totally changed… She has gotten so cold it’s so awful she barely will even talk to me. One minute I am the best man the next I have to go home, but now she has gotten to the point where she just keeps saying she wants me home and barely will talk to me about anything else. And please don’t think I didn’t say every thing I could because I really tried my throat hurts so bad from explaining to her why its going to hurt her and her family if randy comes back that I just cant do it anymore because she says I am being mean to hurt when I talk about it… Anyway I just wanted to let you all know this fairy tale didn’t come true. She just changed… I don’t think I will be able to love again for along long time and I think I am better off on my own anyway. I do blame my self for this! If I came over, if I was the better boy friend, she wouldn’t have went back to that drunken abusive POS. I must have done something horrible and not even notice… That’s why I should be alone.
This sadly will be my last post here on ageless other then replies to this threat because my ageless relationship is over…. Thank you all for your support. And I hope all the best to you all! I got to start packing…. I feel so alone....

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like she jerked your chain around real good! Shame on her!

I think one lesson you can come away with...don't get involved with someone who hasn't broken all ties with the ex. She hadn't gotten a divorce yet had she? It's too bad that you had spent money to go and see her. I know you are broken hearted, but there is nothing you can do about it. She made her choice. Sounds like she wanted her cake and eat it too. And you were only there for 8 days? She should never have let you come all the way out there to begin with. I think she has been thinking about going back with the ex this whole time. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling she has been with him this whole time. She just never expected you would get to the point where you would actually make a move to TX to be with her.

I am so sorry about this terrible experience you're going through. What Guinavere says makes a lot of sense to me, as I can't even comprehend the behaviour of this woman.

I know you must feel devastated at this moment, but be kind to yourself and allow time to pass by little by little, so that you may become strong again.

I hate to hear about your awful experience! Please don't for a minute think it was in any way your fault for not being "a better boyfriend"! Sounds to me like this woman was using you. She obviously has serious problems if she is going back to an abusive husband. Those guys never change, not without some SERIOUS long term treatment and effort.

Please be kind to yourself. And you don't have to stop hanging around here with us just because your relationship is over! We have lots of "flying solo" folks here, so please keep posting and reading all you want to. We will be here to help you get through your grieving process.

I am terribly sorry about your ordeal. Please realize that you did NOTHING WRONG. This woman was obviously very very confused about her feelings for her ex, and unfortunately drew you in to a relationship long before she should have.
I hate hearing stories like this. I have heard several younger men say that OW seem to only want them for sex, for an ego boost, etc.. and I think it gives us honest, kind OW a bad rap. I'm sorry and I hope this doesn't skew your opinion of Older Women in general. Most of us are really terrific and can make amazing partners to our YM. Keep your chin up, sweetie!

GoW,

Because your relationship with your ex ended doesn't mean you need to leave Ageless. Our relationships are what led us here, the connections we made are why we stay. The membership is a collage of various relationship statuses from single to multiple and various ranges from same age to many years apart. I believe most of the advice to be top notch and don't plan on leaving any time soon, even if my relationship should falter.

Just wanted to put that out there in case you are feeling you need to leave. Whatever your decision I wish nothing but the best in your ventures and hope you'll pop in from time to time to update us.

As far as your girlfriend. Well it was a pretty crappy thing she did and I assure you not all us ladies treat our internet loves like that. My fiancé and I met online and would never dream of treating him so poorly. Know that her behavior is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of her.

From what I read in your post I'm getting the vibe that the connection she felt with you online didn't transfer over to when you two met IRL and she didn't know how to handle it. I wonder if she was talking and leading the ex on while talking to you as well. Honestly I can't shake this feeling that she used you as a pawn to get him to make a move.

Take comfort in the thought that they will find themselves in the same position again because nothing about their behaviors changed. And when that happens you will be free and eventually will find a woman, whatever her age may be, that sees you for the man you are.

What you did was brave and worth the gamble. I'm sorry that she didn't appreciate the effort you showed her. While her age doesn't reflect it, she's got a lot of maturing to do.

I 'm sorry to hear this happened, but better to find out now than make a deeper commitment.

There are many of us here who are "flying solo" so don't feel the need to leave because this relationship did not work out.... I have become more secure in the knowledge that I am not alone in liking age gap dating because of the ppl here. This is a good place for support and laughter.







PS....it sounds like she is the biggest loser here- she lost a good friend in you.

I 'm sorry to hear this happened, but better to find out now than make a deeper commitment.

I'm with Teddi on this one... sometimes finding out the "bad news" early on is by far better than years down the road, where the pain and sting is all that much more.

I just wish idiots would be such on first dates. Would cut down my time wasting significantly.

But hang in there as there are plenty of mature/nice/sincere women in the world. Since they don't seem to live near me (ha ha) they must live near you (ha ha).

Statistics tell me so :)

I just wish idiots would be such on first dates. Would cut down my time wasting significantly.

:giggle: Ain't that the truth!

I'm really sorry to hear all this. You OW sounds very confused and insecure and maybe a little manipulative. As much as it hurts, you need to move on and not look back! Not all OW are like this.

I'm so sorry. That really is some harsh stuff. I hope you are OK and feel better!

Wow, what a horrible experience. I am sorry that this had to happen to you, but don't let it make you think that all older women are like that...

I do blame my self for this! If I came over, if I was the better boy friend, she wouldn’t have went back to that drunken abusive POS. I must have done something horrible and not even notice… That’s why I should be alone.


This is wrong. Abusive relationships exist for a reason-because the abusee allows it to happen. Believe me, I know, I was in one for 14 years. You stay because you love the person, because you have hope that they are going to change and because you are an enabler. You do this despite KNOWING down deep that they will never change. You stay because knowing what you have is easier and less scary than the unknown of being by yourself, on your own. It took me a loooong time to get out of my abusive relationship and I went thru a few guys like you. Nice guys that just wanted to help me and who I screwed over big time by going back to my ex, again and again. I did the same thing, left them and turned off my feelings. The truth was I never really had feelings for them in the first place, I just saw some hope of something different in them of a possible alternative future.

What happened is NOT your fault. She is just not in a place where she is ready to leave him, and you are just the nice guy who was in her path. Use this experience to learn-like others have said, make sure that whoever you get involved with has moved on. Don't try to be the knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. That is not a healthy relationship.

Well as most of you know from my later posts I went to spend the summer with my o/w girl friend in TX. Well it has been 8 days so far. The first days where great we had so much fun! but after 4 days in to it I became ill, I had come down with a severe sinus infection and well I guess my g/f… (Well I can say my ex girl friend now) in this time had been chatting a lot with her abusive Ex husband. I remember the first day it started. She had asked if I wanted to come over and spend the evening with her and her kids. I said “I don’t really feel up to it tonight I really don’t feel good” and I guess she took it as I didn’t want to be with her kids. I told her that wasn’t the case [but] I would need time anyway to get use to the kids so please don’t get mad if don’t want to come over one night or something because I never dealt with kids before and I am still getting use to the idea. Well I guess that night when I didn’t come over her husband called and she told him all about my age and location and he even knew about where I am currently living in TX. After she did that he has been calling her like crazy guess he was thinking that if he didn’t get with her soon enough it would be over between them and he would have to pay child support. I remember she came over to my room on her lunch break to spend time with me and spent the whole time just talking to him on the phone in front of me. I mean for 8 months she had no feelings for this guy. She told me the only things they have in common are the kids and what he has done to her she would never go back to him and said this over and over again and made me believe this till I came down…. Well the day she was suppose to take me to the doctor she decided to break up with me instead I got a lovely text that morning when I woke up saying “we need to talk”. I was so confused and so shocked I really couldn’t even think I was to sick too I could barely breathe. She couldn’t even look me in the eyes when she told me and when I tried to talk to her about it she turned me a deaf ear (it was like talking to a brick wall with a tape recorder glued on it). Well lucky I made some good friends down here that are doing all the things she said she would do like take me to the doctor! I really am lucky because I never been here long enough to make friends before and They even offered to take me to the airport. So I am going back tomorrow… I feel crushed my heart is not there anymore I can barely think straight breathing is so hard. The Thing that gets the most POed is that her and her kids are going to get hurt again by this asshole and she knows it. I asked her why she is doing it? And why am I going home, After 8 months we talked about it! And she still hasn’t told me why. The little bit she does mutter out to me is that “randy (her husband) wants his family back”. She has totally changed… She has gotten so cold it’s so awful she barely will even talk to me. One minute I am the best man the next I have to go home, but now she has gotten to the point where she just keeps saying she wants me home and barely will talk to me about anything else. And please don’t think I didn’t say every thing I could because I really tried my throat hurts so bad from explaining to her why its going to hurt her and her family if randy comes back that I just cant do it anymore because she says I am being mean to hurt when I talk about it… Anyway I just wanted to let you all know this fairy tale didn’t come true. She just changed… I don’t think I will be able to love again for along long time and I think I am better off on my own anyway. I do blame my self for this! If I came over, if I was the better boy friend, she wouldn’t have went back to that drunken abusive POS. I must have done something horrible and not even notice… That’s why I should be alone.
This sadly will be my last post here on ageless other then replies to this threat because my ageless relationship is over…. Thank you all for your support. And I hope all the best to you all! I got to start packing…. I feel so alone....

the situation with my OW played out kinda similar though we weren't a couple at any point. When she kinda backed out and told me she didn't have the time and energy to get attached she couldn't look me in the eye and she couldn't explain herself neither. She didn't have an answer for anything even if i'd ask her point blank. She would always make eye contact with me and never break it except for in that situation, she just looked at the ground.

I doubt its your fault at all. I kinda came to my own conclusion that my OW just enjoys the attention of a younger fit 23 year old guy complimenting her and making her feel good, possibly making her feel younger. In your situation maybe shes trying to give the father of her children the benefit of the doubt so her children will have a real father figure in their life. Sometimes in that situation you think more hopefully than logically.

i read your original post, and i really really really wanted to tell you not to do it, that you were being played for a sap, but you're not allowed to tell people that on ageless love. it is a support site, and telling people they're making a big mistake is a big no-no. sorry i couldn't have warned ya, honey. live and learn, i guess. let your last mistake be your best teacher.

just sign me

Cassandra

AWWW Sweetie I am truly sorry for this!!
You know She is co Dependant on her ex...most abusers find there way back in UNLESS the abusee has received help

I know i went back 3 times before i said OMG wth am I doing! I got help though

PLEASE do not stop coming here though!! We are YOUR support group and you need support not just in your outside life but even on here.
We care about you deeply and I do hope you stick around!!


big hugs!

Don't blame yourself, because you weren't a "bad boyfriend." You saw someone in trouble and you tried to help them out. There's nothing wrong with that.

In some ways, don't blame your OW, either. There's a pretty good chance that she's not making a lot of choices right now; it's more likely that she's evidencing a conditioned response...just like Pavlov's dogs learned to slobber when he rang a bell, she's learned to ask "how high?" when her estranged husband says "jump."

Granted, it's not exactly the same thing, but being upset with her for being a victim of partner abuse is a lot like being mad at Pavlov's dogs for slobbering or being dogs. Victims of partner abuse have been so conditioned by our abusers--and most of us were also conditioned by our families of origin--that we have to hit rock bottom before we can leave. One day she'll clue into the fact that "Randy" doesn't "want his family back" any more than he wants to drop a brand-new 5lb can of coffee on his bare big toe. What "Randy" wants is to maintain his control over her and their children.

I had to get kicked out of our house because of his weapons cache, be hauled off by an ambulance in 3 point restraint under armed guard, almost be committed to the psych ward, and have our kids put in foster care for five months before I had a reason "good enough" to end it with my first husband. Even then, my mother and grandmother pressured me to go back to him. After the divorce was final, my mom was still not okay with it until someone at her church had a vision that I would have died if I'd stayed with him.

Another thing about abusive relationships is: it's dangerous to leave. Dangerous as in "somebody could die." Even with an escape plan--secret stash of $$$, safe house, etc.--the most dangerous month in an abusive relationship is the two weeks before and the two weeks after the "victim" leaves.

For that reason, I think your plan to beat feet and go home where "Randy" doesn't know where you are is a darned good one. Don't go back to the same address, don't have the same phone number (land or cell), don't use the same email address, and watch your credit reports for signs of identity theft.

Not that you need a lecture or anything, but it's pretty much always a bad idea to get involved with anyone who's going through a divorce if you're looking for a relationship. There's no scientific formula, but people who are going through a divorce--no matter how right the divorce is--usually shouldn't get into a relationship for at least a year after the divorce is final. The same principle applies to the death of any long-term relationship--living together, engagement, same-sex partners...

Even if they're separated, no matter how long they've been separated, there's a reason they're not divorced. That reason does NOT have to be that one of them is still in love with the other & hoping that they'll get back together.

I've been separated from my second husband for going on 4.5 yrs. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years, haven't spoken to him 2.5 years, and haven't emailed him--except to verify his address so I know where to send the divorce papers--in more than a year. Still and all, there's a reason we're not divorced yet. Not being divorced was a safety net for me. If I'm married, I can't date anybody. If I can't date, I can't get attached to anyone--and they can't get attached to me, either. If I wasn't attached to anyone, and no one was attached to me, I didn't have to deal with a bunch of feelings that I didn't wanna deal with.

Now see, if you'd've left the site, you wouldn't have got to know about any of that! :o

Thank you all for your responses! I have read all the posts every one has made. I do not blame my self anymore, it was just hard at that time to understand anything. I was suppose to leave at 12PM yesterday. But at 11:07am she called and said she broke it off with Randy. I really must be stupid but i am giving it another chance. She has never done this kind of thing in the 8 months I have known her and I have met her before in real life and she never acted like that either. I told her that if she decided that she didn't want me here again that I would leave. I had to promise my dad that too when i made to decision. But i guess if i get hurt its my own fault and i should of listen to every one.

she's jerking you around, honey. and you're starting to sound like a glutton for punishment or a masochist. you will have only yourself to blame if things go south again.

be sure and have a plan b/escape clause this time. i wouldn't want you to end up a statistic.

Thank you all for your responses! I have read all the posts every one has made. I do not blame my self anymore, it was just hard at that time to understand anything. I was suppose to leave at 12PM yesterday. But at 11:07am she called and said she broke it off with Randy. I really must be stupid but i am giving it another chance. She has never done this kind of thing in the 8 months I have known her and I have met her before in real life and she never acted like that either. I told her that if she decided that she didn't want me here again that I would leave. I had to promise my dad that too when i made to decision. But i guess if i get hurt its my own fault and i should of listen to every one.



Ok...so you are giving her the "benefit of the doubt", here is my concern for you. Dangerous ex husband. You certainly need to be very careful what you do and where you go, often dangerous men hang out with like kinds. Please, please watch your back.

Also, I am concerned about the timing of her call...why did she wait until the very last minute? Question her motives, now I am not saying she is not being upfront and truthful...hey I don't know her at all...but it all seems orchastrated somehow.....I hope it works out well, but I am going to be skeptical until otherwise advised....

Blessings, Jann

You don't need to listen to anyone but yourself.

We only see one the parts of this woman that you post so if you feel she is worth a second chance go forward, regardless of where it leads, without regret. Our biggest lessons/rewards are our biggest gambles.

However, I do ask that if she treats you like this again that you step away and spend some time figuring out what's going on inside of you to tolerate repeated bad behavior.

I do agree with Jan, ensure your safety first from the ex. He doesn't sound like he's going to give up easily.

Good luck and I hope she spends the rest of your time there making up for the pain she caused you and that together you will find forgiveness.

You don't need to listen to anyone but yourself.

We only see one the parts of this woman that you post so if you feel she is worth a second chance go forward, regardless of where it leads, without regret. Our biggest lessons/rewards are our biggest gambles.

However, I do ask that if she treats you like this again that you step away and spend some time figuring out what's going on inside of you to tolerate repeated bad behavior.

I do agree with Jan, ensure your safety first from the ex. He doesn't sound like he's going to give up easily.

Good luck and I hope she spends the rest of your time there making up for the pain she caused you and that together you will find forgiveness.

Yes she is trying to make up for it, believe me. we spent the night together last night and I guess I slept talked (which i do sometimes) I told her that she really hurt me and i wanted to go home. But i really do not remember this. I just woke up to a sad girl friend. She said she deserves it and anything else i say and she would understand if i went or decided to go home.As for next time me being the one to blame... Well I was the one to blame this time too because I was warmed by many people like my dad and friends but even still came to TX. So I know it will be my fault I am not one to push blame on others. The thing that really scares me is that randy knows where I live now in TX, Knows my Age, Where I am from. A lot of people say he is just talk and no walk. but he did threaten saying "I am going to get anyone who gets in the way or me and my family" which i am not trying to do (he chose to drink and beat his wife he did it to him self)... He is living with another women which he clams he has no feelings for and is using her car, her money and her home to live in but he still says he has true feelings for my g/f.

Please leave her NOW. And go with your dignity. Your heart WILL heal. She's playing you...

Why can't you just go home, away from this incredible mess, until both of you figure out what you want? She needs to make a clean break from this guy, before the two of you should even consider going further. I would not trust this woman, until you have absolute proof that she is divorced...

I would leave as well. I would not stay in what looks like could be a very volitile situation with the ex still in the picture. That woman needs to get rid of him and that means a divorce and she needs to get herself together and her life more stable before bringing anyone else into her nightmare. You really deserve more than what you are getting from this. She is still playing games. And she has put you at risk by maintaining contact with the ex and allowing him to know where you live, etc. Sounds like she loves drama in her life.

I would leave as well. I would not stay in what looks like could be a very volitile situation with the ex still in the picture. That woman needs to get rid of him and that means a divorce and she needs to get herself together and her life more stable before bringing anyone else into her nightmare. You really deserve more than what you are getting from this. She is still playing games. And she has put you at risk by maintaining contact with the ex and allowing him to know where you live, etc. Sounds like she loves drama in her life.

She has been trying to devoice the man for a year now. Its suppose to be over by next month. well it was suppose to be over before i came down here but her lawyer didn't make it to the court on time so they had to reset it, Randy also has been doing everything in his power to prolong it. She isn't talking to randy anymore and she said she didn't know how he got my age and location from. There are a small group here that knows. I feel torn. I really love this women I cant let go even for my own good its just to hard... I am sorry...

GoW - I'm sure you've heard this before...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Good luck!

I feel torn. I really love this women I cant let go even for my own good its just to hard... I am sorry...

GOW: Please, don't be sorry on our account, we are all just genuinly concerned for you emotionally and most importantly physically..

If you really love this woman & she really loves you, going home and waiting for the divorce to be final and putting some distance between you and the soon to be exhusband seems to be the prudent thing to do. I don't care how long someone has been apart from their mate, the divorce is a whole different emotional hurdle.

I don't want to be judgemental, but this is not a healthy situation. I have a good friend who tells me all the time that "love should not hurt" that doesn't mean you won't fight or be angry, but that deep down it shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't cause you this much distress....

Of course this is just MHO, and only you know how much your heart can take,

Of course I wish you blessings, Jann

She has been trying to devoice the man for a year now. Its suppose to be over by next month. well it was suppose to be over before i came down here but her lawyer didn't make it to the court on time so they had to reset it, Randy also has been doing everything in his power to prolong it. She isn't talking to randy anymore and she said she didn't know how he got my age and location from. There are a small group here that knows. I feel torn. I really love this women I cant let go even for my own good its just to hard... I am sorry...

HUN I am not trying to sound like a witch..BUT she was talking to him and starting to have feelings for him..AGAIN...she is playing you like a 12 piece band and YOU are being beat down like a drum.

It is YOUR choice to take her back..HOWEVER I would set some bounderies and RULES.
Ask yourself this..is it ALL worth having your heart shredded over???
Just do not be co dependent hun and I agree it is NOT healthy at all. She has a ton of baggage and needs to get some therapy so she can be healthy for YOU...JUST BE SAFE SWEETIE we all care about you

You're better off without her. Trust me. After pulling that kind of stunt, you need to aim higher not lower.

Get tough, feel the hotness within, and get out there where you are and find some sweetie to share some sweet feelings with.

I think that everyone above me has hit the nail on the head. I'll just agree with what they said and wish you all the best!

You already seem to know the deal!

You're better off without her. Trust me. After pulling that kind of stunt, you need to aim higher not lower.

Get tough, feel the hotness within, and get out there where you are and find some sweetie to share some sweet feelings with.

A hearty AMEN to that! And all the other quotes on here! She is unreal. Playing you like a violin. Like she is a cat and swatting her little ball of yarn around.

I have been dumped by YM who think I am the cat's pajamas...but then can not get over their ex's. I thought maybe it was my fat or something wrong with my face, like some wrinkle or I dress funny. I also ran down a list of all the mistakes I made and how I blew it. Felt awful, heart-broken, like the color went out of my world.

But suddenly, one day, my world became full of color. And I am flying solo...only since March this year (last ym dumped me mid March). But I am free...free to find somebody who really loves me for me.

It is ironic too. An ex-bf wrote me a letter 11 years later in Feb. this year. 11 years after he had declared "he never loved me" and all that jazz. He sought me out on the internet and wrote me a letter. I wrote back "I wished him peace but please no contact".

It was pure Providence. I realized something I want you to get too...

It never was all about me.

and this thing my friend...it is NOT about you!!!

It is NOT a reflection of you!

sure, they may even point out things wrong you did or in my case, physical flaws which are numerous...but 11 years later (!!!) my ex has no idea how fat I am (gained a lot of weight) and how I look now (young looking but still looking 11 years older than I did). He only cares about getting something back in his life he once had.

And that showed me something I can now emotionally feel. It is NOT I repeat NOT all about me. It never was.


Same goes for you, my dear fellow.

PS: I will add you to my prayers. I am sorry you are hurting like this. She is a fool.

I am tuly sorry you were hurt this way. Please don't feel you have to leave the site because of your older woman's behavior.

Old, young, skinny, fat, bald, hairy, (I am at least 2 out of 6 listed) are welcome here. You do not know me as I post little but I know from experience, the people here are the most nonjudgemental, loving group I have ever met on the internet.

Perhaps you will reconsider? If not, best wishes to you.

I am sorry to play you guys like a Yoyo... But i decided to go back home today I bought the plane tickets today and i will be leaving soon, no turning back. The main reason why is that she came in my room today and made it clear that she didn't trust me and everything I said to her went right threw her so it didn't matter what i said anyway. I called her after she left to tell her something and the things i said didn't really faze her. So anyway long story short. I texted her saying i was leaving that that i felt like she was changing in to some one i didn't know. She texted me back wishing me the best of luck and I turned off my cell. It is really killing me in side that i am doing this and i know i got along plane flight back it just hurts so much and i am really sorry I played all of you like this but i wasn't sure my self till today. Thanks for all your kind words and i am always great full to hear from you all!

Mark it off as "life experience" and don't sweat it. No one here felt like a yo-yo or is upset with you in any way. Even though we gave you advice, certainly you have to realize for yourself when it's time to give it a shot and when it's time to run for the hills.

I can assure you that there are plenty of smiling, bright, charming women in the world. Unfortunately, we all have to date a few idiots to really appreciate the good ones :)

You will get through this. You deserve so much better. God obviously wants you out of this unhealthy relationship. I hope you grab tight of your freedom and SOAR LIKE AN EAGLE.

:grouphug:

Sending hugs, comfort, and peace your way.

You will get through this. You deserve so much better. God obviously wants you out of this unhealthy relationship. I hope you grab tight of your freedom and SOAR LIKE AN EAGLE.

Well I do miss my friends and family back home it just feels like apart of me is going to die once i walk in that airport you know we where together almost a year I know there where some obstacles like her not wanting to have anymore kids and her ex and her kids but i wanted to do this so bad... I wanted to give it all away because she was something to me... and i really feel like i deserve sh!t....

I think you made the right decision, it's not so pleasant now and you feel like crap but this really is for the best. She was just playing you.

You're still young and you seem sweet as can be, I know you'll be fine. I think it would be best for just have no contact with her and move on from this whole experience.

I think you made the right decision, it's not so pleasant now and you feel like crap but this really is for the best. She was just playing you.

You're still young and you seem sweet as can be, I know you'll be fine. I think it would be best for just have no contact with her and move on from this whole experience.

it just hurts..... Every thing reminds me of her... god i sound so pathetic

No you don't...it's just been a few hours so of course it's still gonna hurt and you're gonna feel like crap, that's why it's good you're still here to vent all this out!

It's gonna feel like this for some time but it does get better and you really did make the best decision. You live and learn and this was a great lesson you learned.

Well I do miss my friends and family back home it just feels like apart of me is going to die once i walk in that airport you know we where together almost a year I know there where some obstacles like her not wanting to have anymore kids and her ex and her kids but i wanted to do this so bad... I wanted to give it all away because she was something to me... and i really feel like i deserve sh!t....
It hurts so bad and you feel like a loser. But you are so NOT a loser! Why do you beat yourself up so much? I know you feel like you died inside. It is sort of like the color went out of your world, isn't it? That's how I felt before.

But the good news is...you WILL bounce back and SHE IS THE LOSER, not you.


You gave your heart away to somebody who stomped on it and treated you worse than dirt. She was taken out of your life out of mercy, I believe. You will think "if only I did this, or that" but my friend, I believe that God in His mercy spared you and did not want her to keep kicking dirt in your face. You sound like a really upstanding, nice guy. I can't believe some people. I really can't.

Sure you made mistakes...sure you could have done some things better. But just think of this...if you had a nephew or son that was treated the way she treated you, would it not break your heart to watch?

I used that line on myself...several times. I have a niece who is my goddaughter. She really looks up to me. I don't want her to see me in stinking bad relationships being treated bad since she may do the same in her life...and it would break my heart to see a boy not appreciate her.

So when you catch yourself saying "I deserve shit" replace it with "I deserve much better!" Say that to yourself, even if you do not believe it right now.

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!:yourock:

I second that after Jenny...please keep on venting here. Keep talking. Ride the pain out. There is a light at the end of this tunnel! Talk to us! that is what we are here for!

I keep praying for you too. I hope you can feel God hold you in His Arms tonight.


I have been there (most of us have) and while it hurts so bad it makes you throw up (me), shake, sweat..panic...


It shows that you have a heart that loved. YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. IT WILL GET BETTER. I promise!

I second that after Jenny...please keep on venting here. Keep talking. Ride the pain out. There is a light at the end of this tunnel! Talk to us! that is what we are here for!

I keep praying for you too. I hope you can feel God hold you in His Arms tonight.


I have been there (most of us have) and while it hurts so bad it makes you throw up (me), shake, sweat..panic...


It shows that you have a heart that loved. YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. IT WILL GET BETTER. I promise!

Well like today I did something to her I never done to her before it felt so wrong... I hung up on her i couldn't take it she wouldn't hear anything that came out of my mouth... I promised her i would never hang up on her because her ex did it to her all the time. I broke a promise to her. i just couldn't take it her not listen to what i was saying... I am not this sweet good guy you believe me to be. Please don't pray for me i deserved all of this. She had a rought life and i just made it worst.

Well like today I did something to her I never done to her before it felt so wrong... I hung up on her i couldn't take it she wouldn't hear anything that came out of my mouth... I promised her i would never hang up on her because her ex did it to her all the time. I broke promise. i just couldn't take it... I am not this sweet good guy you believe me to be. Please don't pray for me i deserved all of this. She had a rought life and i just made it worst.
Did she call you? If she called you up to just start badgering you...I don't blame you for hanging up on her.

We all struggle with being good and bad. None of us is perfect.

As for your promise to not hang up on her...let it go.

Her life may have been tough but that does not give her an excuse to take it out on you.

Give her to God and move on. Let go. Let God.

You need to take care of yourself. I demand you do something NICE for yourself for a change. I do little things for myself like have a hot chocolate. Or get my nails done. Not sure what you want to do for yourself. But do something nice for yourself!

I will pray for you and I will pray for her. Sounds like she needs it. Leave her in God's Hands and work on healing yourself right now. Work on you.

I am sorry to play you guys like a Yoyo... But i decided to go back home today I bought the plane tickets today and i will be leaving soon, no turning back. The main reason why is that she came in my room today and made it clear that she didn't trust me and everything I said to her went right threw her so it didn't matter what i said anyway.

She doesn't trust YOU? You are the one who made all of the sacrifices to be with her. You are the one who went to visit her the first time around. And then made plans to spend the summer in Texas just to be near her. You left your family and friends behind to do that. You saved up money to be able to do that. And she says she didn't trust you? What a bunch of bull! How in the heck can you trust HER? She is the one who tells you after 4 days of being there that she is thinking of staying with an abusive man whom she can't even get the guts up to divorce. She is the one who can't be trusted. She played with your heart. She played games with you once you got there. And then she turns the tables on you to try and make herself feel better. And tries to lay the guilt on you. I have absolutely no respect for her. You deserve so much better. As much as you must be heartbroken, don't beat yourself up over it. And don't look back. I can almost guarantee, that she will try to win you back. She is the one playing you like a yoyo.

Dude I've been hurt badly in similer situations before, hell I only recently decided to start dating again after a whole year of being on my own.
The thing is nobody is perfect and it seems to me she wanted you to be perfect and because you didn't live up to that she started backing off and in the end it's never good to be in a relationship where you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself.
Don't worry I have no doubt you will get through this and you'll gain some knowledge which will help in your next relationship.
I have faith stay strong buddy

Well I do miss my friends and family back home it just feels like apart of me is going to die once i walk in that airport you know we where together almost a year I know there where some obstacles like her not wanting to have anymore kids and her ex and her kids but i wanted to do this so bad... I wanted to give it all away because she was something to me... and i really feel like i deserve sh!t....

YOU do what YOU have to do to protect your heart hun...YES it will hurt but it will for a while...and cry if you have to ITS OKAY!!
YOU DO DESERVE THE BEST....we ALL DO. SHE was not giving you what you wanted...no comprimise at all.
I am SO sorry she did this to you and sweetie we all have been there...pain is pain no matter how you slice it

BIG HUGS!

She texted me back wishing me the best of luck and I turned off my cell. It is really killing me in side that i am doing this and i know i got along plane flight back it just hurts so much and i am really sorry I played all of you like this but i wasn't sure my self till today. Thanks for all your kind words and i am always great full to hear from you all!


GOW: Having your heart broken is hard....being the one to leave a bad relationship is hard....you really are growing right now, you need to know that. Growth is painful, horribly painful...and guess what its not just for the young...I had the most painful experience of my life in my mid 40's...and have I grown...you bet your hind quarters I did. What it teaches us is just how strong we are, just how much we value ourselves....you made a really hard choice, how smart of you. To know that the decision is painful and difficult but you do it ANYWAY. That my dear friend is a sign of maturity and self awareness.....you know that you do not want to be in that kind of a relationship.

You, I feel are on a healthy path now, one that while rocky will lead you to true happines with some very lucky woman, who will appreciate and love you in a way that is MUTUALLY satisfying to you both.

I agree that a no contact for at least the next few weeks would be really smart, give you time to reaclimate and to sort out all of those conflicting emotions...I was given the same advice here and trust me it was hard, but guess what they were all right...I have a much clearer picture of my EXYM now...and his power over me is almost gone.....almost, and I am sure it will be completely gone soon.

Please, keep us posted and use us as your emotional tag team.

I am sending you blessings for a safe journey and a timely healing, Jann

how art thou today, GoingWest?

I agree with the ladies...

You're giving her too much power to use over you and your heart. First off, she may be in an abusive behaviour, but just by the way she's treating you, she has not learn much about emphathy or charity. She is still very much a product of her environment and until she finds some kind of counseling, she's going to end up with men who will treat her horribly.

She doesn't recognize kindness, caring, love, cherishes when she see them. She still lives the life of Randy and unless she decides that her character and her personality is not the extension of her ex, she will have learned the bad side of his personality and be so influence that now, her new self esteem feeds off of what Randy has taught her. She's not choosen to find her own inner voice. That takes time.

This is why one must be careful who one chooses as a mate. Because in love, that mate should be uplifting you, making you a better person and striving to see the good in your spirit and helping you in bringing forth that spirit to the surface as you will have done for her. This is where "the two become one" mentally comes in. Not in a physical sense, but in mind and spirit.

You're letting this women crush your soul. That is your responsibility, besides your parents and the people who love you, you are the steward of who you are, not another. No matter how wonderful this relationship may have turned out, YOU are still in charge of you and your joy. I dont' think your soul was in this woman, anymore than hers was in yours. But that doesn't mean that you didn't try to bond yourself to her and this is where that pain is coming from. But I believe, you will be ok in the end. Cry, vent, scream if you have to, eventually your soul will say, "ok its enough", then you will know that its time to let go and heal and be prepare for the next woman who just around the corner, awaiting your return.

Don't keep her waiting.

Paris

GOW, let me tell you a little something else about abusive relationships: they're not always a clear-cut case of "he's bad guy, she's the victim." A lot of times they're both the bad guy AND the victim.

It takes two to tango, and most of these people function as two halves of a whole. Abusive relationships are not about cuts and bruises and affairs and forced sex and drugs and alcohol. Abusive relationships are about establishing and maintaining control over domestic partners, and abusive people are experts at laying head trips on us.

One scenario: He does what he can--abuses her and the kids--to control her. Meanwhile, she does what she can--threatens to leave him and take the kids with her--to control him. Each of their behavior escalates until he stops abusing her, she goes back to him, everything is "perfect" for a little while, and the cycle starts again.

Right now, she's probably getting the most attention from Randy that she's had in years...and loving it.

Think about it: Randy wants her back. Randy wants her back sooo bad, Randy's going to stop doing X and start doing Y. Randy's gonna change for sure this time, 'cuz he doesn't want to lose his family. Randy's probably taking her out to eat and buying her presents and playing Father of the Year...

....mean time, she's getting all this attention from you and it's the best of both worlds for now...

...and they'll have a perfect minute or hour or two weeks or six months and then the whole merry-go-round will start all over again.

You keep saying that you feel like she doesn't listen to you. That's because she's not, and she isn't going to. Everything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other, because you're not telling her what she wants to hear. She doesn't want to hear that Randy is going to hurt her again. She doesn't want to hear that she has to make a choice: Randy or you, it's not realistic to expect a relationship with you both.

She wants to hear that Randy is going to change this time, but you'll still be waiting in the wings "just in case."

You feel like she's changing into someone you don't know...because she is. You know her as she is when Randy ignores and abuses her (and their kids). You're just now meeting the side of her that Randy wines and dines.

You don't need to be any more of a casualty to their drama and trauma than you already are. Get on that plane, go home, and don't look back.

Mean time, pack your bags, request a different room, tell management that you don't want any calls put through to your room, and don't accept her calls or text messages. Don't chat to her, IM her, email her, or go to her myspace/facebook.

If she's contacting you a lot and you just can't ignore it, call your parents or someone else "back home" and tell them you're turning off your cell, but you'll check in at (time A) and (time B) and (time C), etc. from now until you board the plane. Then stick to it.

If you respond even once, she'll drag you into it all over again. She doesn't want to listen to you and work this out; she just wants to argue with you and lay a guilt trip on you or any other way she can find to make you feel bad.

GOW, let me tell you a little something else about abusive relationships: they're not always a clear-cut case of "he's bad guy, she's the victim." A lot of times they're both the bad guy AND the victim.

It takes two to tango, and most of these people function as two halves of a whole. Abusive relationships are not about cuts and bruises and affairs and forced sex and drugs and alcohol. Abusive relationships are about establishing and maintaining control over domestic partners, and abusive people are experts at laying head trips on us.

One scenario: He does what he can--abuses her and the kids--to control her. Meanwhile, she does what she can--threatens to leave him and take the kids with her--to control him. Each of their behavior escalates until he stops abusing her, she goes back to him, everything is "perfect" for a little while, and the cycle starts again.

Right now, she's probably getting the most attention from Randy that she's had in years...and loving it.

Think about it: Randy wants her back. Randy wants her back sooo bad, Randy's going to stop doing X and start doing Y. Randy's gonna change for sure this time, 'cuz he doesn't want to lose his family. Randy's probably taking her out to eat and buying her presents and playing Father of the Year...

....mean time, she's getting all this attention from you and it's the best of both worlds for now...

...and they'll have a perfect minute or hour or two weeks or six months and then the whole merry-go-round will start all over again.

You keep saying that you feel like she doesn't listen to you. That's because she's not, and she isn't going to. Everything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other, because you're not telling her what she wants to hear. She doesn't want to hear that Randy is going to hurt her again. She doesn't want to hear that she has to make a choice: Randy or you, it's not realistic to expect a relationship with you both.

She wants to hear that Randy is going to change this time, but you'll still be waiting in the wings "just in case."

You feel like she's changing into someone you don't know...because she is. You know her as she is when Randy ignores and abuses her (and their kids). You're just now meeting the side of her that Randy wines and dines.

You don't need to be any more of a casualty to their drama and trauma than you already are. Get on that plane, go home, and don't look back.

Mean time, pack your bags, request a different room, tell management that you don't want any calls put through to your room, and don't accept her calls or text messages. Don't chat to her, IM her, email her, or go to her myspace/facebook.

If she's contacting you a lot and you just can't ignore it, call your parents or someone else "back home" and tell them you're turning off your cell, but you'll check in at (time A) and (time B) and (time C), etc. from now until you board the plane. Then stick to it.

If you respond even once, she'll drag you into it all over again. She doesn't want to listen to you and work this out; she just wants to argue with you and lay a guilt trip on you or any other way she can find to make you feel bad.

Wow.... That really hits close to home and opens my eyes a lot... I am at a hotel tonight and my plane leaves in the morning... you really opened my eyes thank you very much. I am still feeling a little sick and tired but it does feel like a weight has been taken off my back. I'll be going home and my heart will be stronger next time I get in to a relationship again. Everything you say adds up to the guilt trips she put me on to not acting her self. I really am thankful for you all. I am really tired though its been along day of packing and driving back to the city.

P.S. i am doing better powerpuffgirl thanks for asking =)

GOW, let me tell you a little something else about abusive relationships: they're not always a clear-cut case of "he's bad guy, she's the victim." A lot of times they're both the bad guy AND the victim.

It takes two to tango, and most of these people function as two halves of a whole. Abusive relationships are not about cuts and bruises and affairs and forced sex and drugs and alcohol. Abusive relationships are about establishing and maintaining control over domestic partners, and abusive people are experts at laying head trips on us.

One scenario: He does what he can--abuses her and the kids--to control her. Meanwhile, she does what she can--threatens to leave him and take the kids with her--to control him. Each of their behavior escalates until he stops abusing her, she goes back to him, everything is "perfect" for a little while, and the cycle starts again.

Right now, she's probably getting the most attention from Randy that she's had in years...and loving it.

Think about it: Randy wants her back. Randy wants her back sooo bad, Randy's going to stop doing X and start doing Y. Randy's gonna change for sure this time, 'cuz he doesn't want to lose his family. Randy's probably taking her out to eat and buying her presents and playing Father of the Year...

....mean time, she's getting all this attention from you and it's the best of both worlds for now...

...and they'll have a perfect minute or hour or two weeks or six months and then the whole merry-go-round will start all over again.

You keep saying that you feel like she doesn't listen to you. That's because she's not, and she isn't going to. Everything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other, because you're not telling her what she wants to hear. She doesn't want to hear that Randy is going to hurt her again. She doesn't want to hear that she has to make a choice: Randy or you, it's not realistic to expect a relationship with you both.

She wants to hear that Randy is going to change this time, but you'll still be waiting in the wings "just in case."

You feel like she's changing into someone you don't know...because she is. You know her as she is when Randy ignores and abuses her (and their kids). You're just now meeting the side of her that Randy wines and dines.

You don't need to be any more of a casualty to their drama and trauma than you already are. Get on that plane, go home, and don't look back.

Mean time, pack your bags, request a different room, tell management that you don't want any calls put through to your room, and don't accept her calls or text messages. Don't chat to her, IM her, email her, or go to her myspace/facebook.

If she's contacting you a lot and you just can't ignore it, call your parents or someone else "back home" and tell them you're turning off your cell, but you'll check in at (time A) and (time B) and (time C), etc. from now until you board the plane. Then stick to it.

If you respond even once, she'll drag you into it all over again. She doesn't want to listen to you and work this out; she just wants to argue with you and lay a guilt trip on you or any other way she can find to make you feel bad.

Wow.... That really hits close to home and opens my eyes a lot... I am at a hotel tonight and my plane leaves in the morning... you really opened my eyes thank you very much. I am still feeling a little but it does feel like a weight has been taken off my back. I'll be going home and my heart will be stronger next time I get in to a relationship again. Everything you say adds up to the guilt trips she put me on to not acting her self. I really am thankful for you all. I am really tired though its been along day of packing and driving back to the city.

P.s> I am doing better powerpuffgirl =)

So glad to hear that you are leaving a potentially dangerous situation.

You got a lot of advice and support from the ladies here, but the two fellas were more to the point....

Write this as just another chapter in the book of life and go on to the next one.....that's all any of us can really do.

I'm glad to hear you're back home and feeling better :yes:

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!! It will get better hun I swear it will!

HUGS