I'm developing bitterness

I've become bitter and cold towards my boyfriend because he won't grow up. I'm getting annoyed that he still behaves jealously and can't have a normal conversation without whining about this or that or acting lonely and needy.

It's the same in person or long distance.

Also, I'm so sick of hearing about how my friends are more important to me than he is, blah blah blah. He seemed to think that after he won my heart I would magically depart from my actual life and spend all my time pining over him, chatting with him, calling him, visiting him.

A couple of months ago he bought a flight to visit me from August 3 to 31 and I was excited but then my plans changed, and I'll be in St. Louis in USA from August 10 to 16. I made a few suggestions, including changing his flight dates, offering to entertain him with my family members, letting him stay at my place the time he's away, asking for his suggestions. I wouldn't take him with me, it would be too much stress on me in the few hours I will get to sleep if he's begging for attention.

My boyfriend actually had the nerve to complain and whine to me about how this affects his visit, instead of working on a solution with me. He complained that I care more about my job than him...uh... for crying out loud!!!! He doesn't pay my bills or feed my three children, *I* do. Should I tell my children that mommy can't feed them today because mommy wasn't able to go to work, because her boyfriend wanted to snuggle?

I understand that he misses me, but he stresses me out with all the whining and begging and complaining...and I just want to end it.

Then I remember how it feels to kiss him and I manage to hang on another day.

Anybody else deal with this kind of behaviour from their very young man at some point in a long distance relationship?

Yes, I did. I let the 18 year old control freak tie me to the PC almost 24/7, trying to meet his incessant demands for attention.

I'm embarrassed to admit that in trying to please him, I neglected virtually every other aspect of my life.

Then he came to stay with me for 6 months and we got engaged. During that time, I severed all ties with my friends and became alienated from my family.

His visa expired and he had to return to his native country. It was a blessing in disguise. I ended the engagement three months later, when he told me that he didn't need to go to school or get a job, because I received enough alimony & child support for us to live on.

I don't remember what it was like to kiss him, but I remember what it was like to do other things with him. :yes:

Nice as it was, it wasn't *that* nice.

charlotte... i just saw this thread. its been hard and demanding the whole time it seems for you. but you have stuck by him...
has anything resolved? especially about august?

This is going to sound really harsh Charlotte, but well, if this is something that is going to grow progressively worse over time, walk away for your own sanity. I had to. My vym drove me to the edge and left me dangling - he manipulated me, he stole from me and when the moment came when I refused to do what he wanted anymore and he realized a little too late that I was cutting the cord, he retalitated by being creepy and stalking me.

Ask yourself, is this REALLY what I want out of a relationship? Is this really how I want to live my life? With somebody who is constantly needy and cannot deal with the realities required of this relationship? You deserve better than this and I can understand why you're feeling bitter - your needs aren't fully being met and that's just wrong.

Yes, I did. I let the 18 year old control freak tie me to the PC almost 24/7, trying to meet his incessant demands for attention.

I'm embarrassed to admit that in trying to please him, I neglected virtually every other aspect of my life.

This sums up my experience, too. Except that my guy was 28 - but in years only, certainly not in maturity.

He was spoiled rotten by his parents and their money - they kept him on a leash. I'm sorry to say that I enabled his selfish sulky demanding behavior to continue. Yet I never could comprehend his German sense of entitlement - I still don't understand it.

But I was addicted to him - blindly madly in love. And like MissMuffins, I neglected everything else in my life for him. Now that it's over, I'm left with my life in complete shambles. Health, finances, and career are all in ruin. And bitterness...? That sums it up, too.

Be careful, Charlotte.

Without knowing all the ins/outs of your relationship, I still have to agree with RobsGirl. In the end, it's your life and you have to decide whether you're going to live it with someone sucking the life out of you. I call these personality types "emotional vampires" because they will leech you dry trying to make themselves feet better. For some reason, they can't find security/happiness within and need constant validation/attention. It's a personality/maturity thing, more than an age thing. He may never be the person you "need".

Whether you stay or go, please draw healthy boundaries, give your priorities due attention and let his whines/tantrums be "his problem".

I call these personality types "emotional vampires" because they will leech you dry trying to make themselves feel better.

I call these folks "psychic leeches" or "spiritual vampires."

*MM high fivin' Gypsyheart*

What do they call that when two or more people have the same good idea in different places at approximately the same time?

My experience (and the experience of other women I have talked with) is that if a person (could of course also be a woman) does not want to grow up, he/she never will. And not wanting to grow up is not restricted to certain ages. I was married with a 12 year older man who never will grow up.

My advise would be to get up and run for your life. ;) You only have one life. Of course from my own experience I know that coming to that realization and putting it into practice are 2 different things that are not always possible immediately, but I know in my life the day came when I said to myself "I have better things to do than to be a mother for a grown up person. That person already has a mother. :p"
Besides, "playing mother" does not exactly spark the erotic factor. (*sarkasm*)

I call these folks "psychic leeches" or "spiritual vampires."

*MM high fivin' Gypsyheart*

What do they call that when two or more people have the same good idea in different places at approximately the same time?

*smiles* I don't know the phrase MM, but I am definitely with ya on it.

Unfortunately I have SEVERAL needy people in my life and have lots of experience with those types. I think anyone caring/giving tends to accumulate at least a couple. My mother is like this and it's taken years to learn to say "no" and draw healthy boundaries that keep me sane. My ex husband was/is like this and even though he's remarried, he'll suck me dry if I let him.

Worst part is my daughter(who is 15) is like this. I believe some of it learned behavior and some of it is that I HAVE TAUGHT HER it's ok to drive me insane with her neediness. I think some personality types can mature out of it and others remain locked in their narcissism.

You *can* love someone like this, but it takes a tremendous amount of work to maintain strong boundaries that they constantly push against, and hopefully reprogram them to what is acceptable behavior.

First step is saying "no" when it's appropriate and letting their tantrums/whining fits/bully tactics remain their problem. You cannot waiver or take on guilt they try to place on you. Staying emotionally disconnected to some level helps. It's imperative that you remain strong when they push hard with emotional aspect of it. (ie: If you loved me, you'd ---)

Eventually, they do one of two things. They learned to take what they get and be happy about it, or they move on to someone that they *can* manipulate.

I personally don't have the energy to ever voluntarily add one of these personality types back into my close circle. I had to tell my daughter last night that I wasn't NOT put on this earth to keep her entertained 24/7 because she would NOT let me study in peace. /sigh

Charlotte, I think you've recieved some very good insight from these ladies. Only you know whether what you have put into this relationship has been worth it. I think giving and loving unconditionally is a wonderful thing. Most of the times we do this, it comes back to us in some way. Because we have given freely, we aren't expecting much and we are satisfied. But if it doesn't come back, at all, ever, then I think bitterness is the natural response.

In my own life it usually takes a looong time before I start to feel bitter, so when I begin to feel bitter, its usually because there has been a pretty dramatic failure to reciprocate my feelings. I am not by nature a bitter person, so for me, bitterness is a HUGE red flag that something is really, really wrong. I don't want to tell you that you need to dump him; I DO want to tell you to listen to that internal voice of yours. In your shoes, MY internal voice would be saying "Its time to end this." I stayed in my marriage just way too long and as a consequence, I am still bitter about that man, despite how wonderfully things are going with respect to my YM. I hate that I feel this way about him.

At this point, I'm deciding to just get through the visit together without expectations of what should come next.

When he leaves, I'll either be kissing him until next time...or kissing his behind goodbye.

Only the next four weeks will resolve this for me.

Thank you for all your great insight.

36 hours and counting...

awww, Charlotte :bighug:
I really do hope that his stay will be a good one no matter what!!!

hoping that it goes well!

I was in a relationship for 7 years with someone like that. When we first got together, I loved all attention because the person I was with in the previous relationship had no time for me.
Things were fine for the first year and 1/2. Then I moved here to NC from CT and he came with me. After that, things when downhill. He would complain every time I went anywhere without him. He would call me at work a lot and got me in trouble multiple times for too many personal calls. He didn't work for 3 years, so I supported us. He would complain how my job was more important than him. It got to the point that I never went anywhere without him and had no time for myself. Whenever I would say that it's healthy for people to have interests outside the relationships, he would say that i didn't want to spend time with him.
He became emotionally abusive and towards the end, physically. I gained 40 pounds being with him due to depression and lack of a life. I was so isolated and didn't spend much time with my family, which was the reason I moved down here. He would complain about how I wasn't the same person as I was went we met.
It's been 2 1/2 years since I left him. I'm paying off the debt that we accumulated together since it's all in my name. We were never married so that's why i'm paying for it.
Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. He was 6 years younger than me and never really grew up. He wanted all these nice things but always thought work was a 4 letter word.
I have gotten myself back now and found someone who treats me the way I deserve. I've learned what I want in life and will not settle for anything less.
I can't tell you what to do in your relationship, but I can tell you I don't miss the kisses or anything else. And what's left are the bad memories.
I think the best thing is to look at the bad versus the good and if the bad is more, then you need to think about if you want that for the rest of your life.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Lynetta

Girl
I remember when Kai was like this, but when we had a good long talk and I told him either you learn to deal with your jealosy or I am out of here..it stopped. He had a few moments BUT not like it was. NOW though, nothing is said and he is extremely supportive.
However there are some couples who have to deal with one very clingy partner and jealous. He sounds extremely insecure and really needs to find out WHY he is this way. He needs to remember YOU are not part of his past that made him this way and if he can't trust you, thinks your job is more important, your family, friends and so on THEN he really needs to wake up and grow up and realize YOU have AND had a life before and after he entered into yours.

I would sit down and have a long talk with him and tell him everytime he says the things like YOUR JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT or YOUR FRIENDS...tell him You are tired of his immature response and him being so insecure. It makes you feel like he does not trust you and that YOU are not his past that made him this way

sorry you have to deal with this for so long!!

PS Molly is right to...If this has been going on your whole relationship and nothing has changed, if you two ever decided to get married it will get WORSE! My ex husband was that way and notice I said ex. IF they cant get help for past issues and REALLY try hard to change AND you do not see a change..then GET OUT NOW

HUGS!