Anyone else gone thru this?

It's been ages since I posted anything, since but I've been wrestling with something and I just know that SOMEONE in this forum has had to deal with this....so here goes.

Long story short (refresher) - involved with YM (20 yr gap) for almost 6 years when he decided he just could not live without having children. After 2 months apart he reconciled with me, saying he wanted me in his life and talked about marriage. The reconciliation lasted for less than a week. We saw a counsellor who gave him a deadline to make up his mind, and after a month, I ultimately I decided that if he couldn't make up his mind, I obviously wasn't as important to him as he was to me, so I let him go. All this was occurring during the time my mom was in her last 8 months of life, so I was literally reeling from two huge emotional whammies! Certainly not my finest hour as I did some things I'm not terribly proud of.

I've dated a bit since, but nothing serious and I think I'm just off men. Either that, or I'm just not ready to trust again. But that's a whole other issue. :p

Anyway...here's the situation I'm facing now. The ex-ym is getting married next month. Apparently he met someone who was so fabulous that they were engaged less than a year after meeting.

My problem is that over the last couple of weeks, as the wedding date approaches, random thoughts and feelings pop up unexpectedly and I waver between the old feelings of hurt and rejection, and total ambivalence. And it's getting worse.:eek:

I've already proctively arranged to be out of the country on the wedding date. On a totally logical and rational level, I'm glad he found someone that fits the bill, so to speak, and I'm fine with it. BUT, occasionally the residual feelings come bubbling up to the top. They don't last long, but just long enough to make me wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I mean, I've DEALT with losing him, and I have a good life without him.

Has anyone else ever experienced this, or am I just totally losing it (again)?

GD, you have gone through a lot. Six years with a person is a lot. I have 5 with mine. A broken heart takes a long time to heal. Give your heart time, and one day you will feel nothing for him.

I wonder if he had her fertility tested to make sure she could conceive! And maybe he should have himself tested as well to make sure he is firing bonafide bullets!

Sorry...couldn't resist the sarcasm...

What a cop out...now lets hope his life is filled with children that will be there by his side throughout his entire life...no guarantees, you know. There are no guarantees that relationships last whether they are between spouses, friends, lovers, parent/child...etc.

Let's hope his marriage lasts a lifetime as well...

As hard as this is for you, you deserve better.

He got what he wished for, a younger woman willing to give him children...but you know what they say about being careful what you wish for...;)

I was thinking the same think...hmm wonder what will happen if SHE cant have kids OR HE cant help produce them due to low sperm count.
Would that not be karma!

Sorry but he sounded immature and if he truly loved you kids or no kids he would not leave...its a COP OUT for sure

it is NORMALLY to feel the way you do sweetie! You endured so much..not only with his BUT your mom. It will get better and get angry!!! keep a diary aka journal write down ALLLLLLLLLL on how you feel!! trust me IT HELPS!!

HUGS
meri

Hi GD~

I've never been in your exact situation and I'm such a total newbie here that I wonder what gives me the chutzpah to reply, but I just wanted to say no, there's nothing wrong with you--you're normal.

Stuff happens all the time that makes us revisit old events and view them through the new lenses that time gives us. Sometimes it blindsides us; other times it just makes us shake our heads and think "what the...?!" So, like GG said, write a journal. Don't censor yourself, let it sit for a day or week or month, then go back and read it, looking for patterns. Then ask yourself what you've learned...from those events, since then, etc. That helps me. Maybe it'll work for you, too.

You loved the guy enough to spend 6 yrs with him AND take him back, albeit briefly. That in and of itself is enough to trigger the "one that got away" syndrome. But, all of this happened while you were experience other traumas, too. Is there anything else going on in your life that's similar to the other things that were happening when the reconciliation failed?

I think it's a good idea to be out of the country when he gets married, and that you're a wise woman for arranging to do so.

*hugs*
MM

In reading between the lines here, it appears you have found yourself in a quandary. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote, you're not really ready for anything, and don't really want anything, yet find yourself thinking back to the good things you had with this person.

I'm not into bashing the other party when a situation ends. He's not here to defend himself, for one, and for another, we can't change or fix other people, only the ones who are here and wanting advice. That being said, it's often very hard when the other person moves on before you are ready, or, before you are ready for them to move on. Another thing I'm sensing here is that you used your relationship with him to distract you from the situation with your mother. If so, there is nothing wrong with that, even if it did add more stress to things. It's an escape mechanism that a lot of people use, even if it doesn't always work out the way we want.

Regardless, he's moved on, and your pace is slower. Again, people heal at different speeds (or hide from healing altogether). Perhaps one of the reasons you're needing to take it slow is because of these trust issues.

Ultimately, I think that the best thing to do in this situation is realize that, when you can't change something about another person or situation, the best thing to do is to work on yourself. Acknowledge that you still have thoughts and feelings for this person, but also admit you may not be thinking clearly about it. Yes, there were many good things to the relationship, but it did end for a reason (or several!) and these also need to be remembered. Then think about the type of relationship you REALLY want, and work on yourself so that when it comes along, you'll be ready for it. Try hard to take the focus off of him and put it where it belongs: on you. You're the important one here, and you're the only one you can change to have the life you truly want.

Another thing to consider, and one that has given me comfort in the past is, if he was truly the one for you, then he would be there, with you. Since he isn't, he was merely a stepping stone to the real thing.

As I get ready to move and with my ex-husband's recent remarriage, I find myself going back to earlier times in my head all the time. For me its not so much that I see these as happier times; they really weren't. Its more a longing to have the pieces of my life fit together and mean something. I have had many, many moments when I wished I had never met that man. But, I spent 27 years with him!! :eek: I keep asking myself why and looking for those happy moments and as I get further from my divorce and closer to my move in with my YM, oddly, I am remembering more of the happy times.

I can't answer for you, but many of us simply want to know the time and effort we put into these doomed relationships had value. In my case I am learning to say that I was with him so that I could be the mother of my son. No other man would have worked because the union wouldn't have resulted in this amazing (yet trying) young person that we brought into the world!

Thanks for the responses.

I think the one that resounded the most with me was MissMuffins'. I fully realize that, in hindsight, this wasn't the best relationship for me, and it took me a lot of work to get to that point, given what else I was dealing with at the time. However it troubles me that I'm even thinking about him, since he's doing what he has to do to fulfill his dreams for the future and I'm doing what I have to do to fulfill my dreams for my future.

I suspect the "trigger events" were the 1st anniversary of my mom's death which came right around Mother's Day, AND the fact that my youngest son, who has been travelling/partying on the other side of the world for 7 months, decided that Mother's Day weekend would be a good time to tell me he was extending his stay and would not be returning until Christmas instead of June.

So yes, something similar was happening when these random thoughts started popping into my head. I remember that I had similar random thoughts prior to my ex-husband's remarriage even though I had left him and I was really glad he had found someone. And after reading Rozie's response, I think I just need to feel that both my marriage and my relationship with my ex-ym had value, otherwise why did I bother with either.

Celtish, you are partially correct. I am not really ready for anything, and I don't really want anything....yet. I'm just not ready, plus I have a really busy and full life without the complications of a relationship. That being said, casual dating is fun.

I do not wish my ex-ym ill. I do hope he and his wife have the life that he dreams of. He's a good person and I really am happy that he was able to move on (albeit a little quicker that I would have liked :p), but hey...it's not all about me ;)

Has anyone else ever experienced this, or am I just totally losing it (again)?

Maybe his inaction to make a decision, thereby forcing you to make one, left a little lingering pain in your heart. This would be harder to see introspectively than the more obvious "I still have feelings" or "I'm a little jealous he found someone new so quickly" type of thoughts. which BTW are normal and certainly not "bad".

Very sorry to hear about this. It can be a big dilemma for guys with the whole children thing. It is even an issue with me that I go back and forth with. But this is not about me. It is about you.

First of all, don't blame yourself for any of this. Second of all, don't hold anything against him. Try to be happy for him in any way that you can. Do not have a pitty party. You are free now and I am sure there are many men who would be glad to know you. One thing though: Do not go get in some rebound relationship to try to heal this or go have a fling or flings to make yourself feel better. :no: You will be fine. :yes:

Maybe his inaction to make a decision, thereby forcing you to make one, left a little lingering pain in your heart. This would be harder to see introspectively than the more obvious "I still have feelings" or "I'm a little jealous he found someone new so quickly" type of thoughts. which BTW are normal and certainly not "bad".

Truckman, it's not that I'm jealous that he found someone new so quickly, I think I'm just disappointed that I'm so easy to move on from. But hey, I'm a woman and we always like to think we're unforgettable :p and that a relationship had meaning.

Harmony 7, I'm WAY past the pity party...been there, finished that, moved on. I'm a firm believer in looking forward, not back!

I have a fantastic life, with an amazing family and wonderful friends, and the reason I posted in the first place was because I was disturbed that I even had any random thoughts about him at all and hoped that this wasn't "abnormal". I mean, it's been 18 months since I bade him farewell. I kind of figured that since it didn't bother me when I first found out four or five months ago that he was getting married , that I wouldn't really give him another thought again. But that was long before I went through the first anniversary of the loss of my mom, which took me back to a very painful period on my life.

Anyway, thanks again for the responses. The collective wisdom in this community is fabulous!

GD,

Although life has changed for me now, I can definitely feel your pain. I was with someone for 3 1/2 years of my life, AFTER my divorce. The break-up was terrible and it kept going off & on for another year afterwards. He'd find women and still call me and try to be friends, then try to get back with me...it was a nightmare, a never-ending source of pain. I recently (4 years later) found out that he got married in April... when just in November he had been calling me wanting to see me again! (of course I told him heck no!)
At first, I didn't know what to feel because even though I am very happy and in love with my YM, it still hurt on some level and made me feel a bit angry that he would never have straightened himself out enough to marry me...then I really thought about it...and said a silent prayer for the poor girl who married him, knowing what a monster I'm sure he still is or will become once again when things don't go his way.
There's a reason things happen the way they do...don't question yourself, just breathe and keep walking with your head up! The pain will get less as time goes on.

Anyway...here's the situation I'm facing now. The ex-ym is getting married next month. Apparently he met someone who was so fabulous that they were engaged less than a year after meeting.


It sounds like he just wants to get married and have some kids to fulfill some sense of "normal" or something. I hope it's true love but I suspect it's not. If that's the case I feel sorry for the future children.

Am I the only one who doesn't understand the drive to pro-create just for the sake of it? If you are in a relationship with the love of your life and it's something you both really want I totally understand but just answering some call to provide grandkids or fit into the norm is just selfish. The kids are what's important, not just the fact that you popped a couple out. We aren't having a poplulation crisis or anything. If anything there are too many kids that aren't wanted right now. Do something to help that situation instead of setting yourself up for a couple of decades of child support. Plus being attached to a person you should never have married in the first place. Ask me how I know about that last one!

As for what you're going thru GoldDust, I understand the mixed emotions and my heart goes out to you. You will get thru this and be stronger for the experience. The children thing is one of my biggest fears when it comes to the OW/YM relationship. I guess I could still have a baby but my daughter is 23, it's grandkid time not baby time.

Me, I'd say cut yourself one huge, huge break. You're allowed to be triggered when your ex of many year's duration gets hitched. You're allowed to think horrible thoughts, be jealous, doubt whether it's real, feel sorry for yourself and all the rest of it. You wouldn't be human if you didn't :>

I think striving for post-breakup purity of word and deed is one of those things we use to hit ourselves over the head with unneccessarily.

Maybe it's real, maybe it's not, maybe it'll blow up in his face, maybe it won't. It doesn't really matter and there's no way to tell. What happens going forward doesn't eradicate or make without value what happened between the two of you, it's just a different time with different things going on.

So if I were you, I'd let myself feel my feelings, without judging myself too harshly for them, devise a few vicious comments that I won't ever make but whose cleverness and devastating wit makes me happy, try to laugh at myself a little and then get on with my life in this time.

Short answer : ain't nothing wrong with you but being alive :>

Thank you Desert Spring! I recognize that I sometimes do try to deny my "human-ness" in situations like this. I'm getting a lot better at not beating myself up (initial posting would indicate the contrary, but that was mostly due to curiosity as to whether I was having "normal" human thoughts and feelings). I'm human, the ym was a very important part of my life for a long time, and it's only normal that he pops into my head once in awhile, as do thoughts of friends I haven't seen lately.
I'm moving forward to my amazing future!!:yes:

GD:

I'm late to the party/thread but I wanted to chime in.

I've not been in your exact situation but I have had similar feelings over a 'lost love'.

I dated a man for 8 1/2 years, nearly my entire 20s. By the time he proposed when I was 29, I realized that he wasn't the man for me. I loved him dearly and he is a fabulous person in so many ways. He is still one of my best friends.

He got married a few years ago and now has two children. During the early years of his marriage, I felt a myriad of emotions about the fact that 'she' was having with him what we had talked about together for so many years. Like you, I also had feelings of hurt and rejection. Even though I said no when he proposed, I still felt rejected because it took so long for him to make the move and I felt that he'd done it as a desperate last move to not lose me.

I don't have these feelings anymore. And if I do, it is only because I, too, would like to find and marry my life partner.

As DS said, we're human. We're emotional beings with memories. And only those that love deeply will hurt deeply. That's the trade-off.


As for wanting children, I sometimes feel that I am a member of the minority here that doesn't agree that it is a cop-out.

I, personally, have never felt driven to have children but a lot of people do, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's part of the life that they desire. And sometimes I am surprised that so many members here that have children don't understand that desire.

There are things that some of us are willing to forfeit for the right person, and things that we can't imagine living without. Having children as part of their marriage and life is huge for some people.

I commend you for your kind words and thoughts for him and his wife-to-be.

**huggs**

Time heals, GD.

(And what it doesn't, hopefully Alzheimer's will.)

While I have been through the parenting thing, I still would have to agree with those who say it is a 'cop-out' to use wanting children as an excuse to end a relationship. There are a number of reasons for it.

1) thanks to the media, a baby is today's little dog-the perfect accessory. we don't over see the cover of People magazine showing the sullen 16 year old child of some celebrity in trouble for stealing daddys car, or their 2-3 year old having a screaming temper tantrum; however, this is the reality of having children. instead its 'baby bump watch time'. i'm gonna guess that, once it stops being fashionable, there will be far fewer babies born. Maybe the younger male's role model should be Ashton instead of the 'baby-daddies'.

2) as stated over and over, there are no guarantees that 20-something and 30-something women will have children-or that the male in question even has viable sperm. and even if they do have children, no guarantees that the child won't break their hearts.

3) realistically, if he is so set on having children (not just to fit in, be fashionable, do what everyone else is doing) why not take the time to explore alternatives? it costs what $200,000 to raise a child? compared to that the cost of invitro (and egg donor and surrogate if necessary-what, around $50,000?) is not that daunting. Of course if one is not determined that their 'genes' must be carried on, adopt.

I just can't accept the 'I want to have children' argument in a day when reproductive technology is as advanced as it is.

While I have been through the parenting thing, I still would have to agree with those who say it is a 'cop-out' to use wanting children as an excuse to end a relationship. There are a number of reasons for it.

1) thanks to the media, a baby is today's little dog-the perfect accessory. we don't over see the cover of People magazine showing the sullen 16 year old child of some celebrity in trouble for stealing daddys car, or their 2-3 year old having a screaming temper tantrum; however, this is the reality of having children. instead its 'baby bump watch time'. i'm gonna guess that, once it stops being fashionable, there will be far fewer babies born. Maybe the younger male's role model should be Ashton instead of the 'baby-daddies'.

2) as stated over and over, there are no guarantees that 20-something and 30-something women will have children-or that the male in question even has viable sperm. and even if they do have children, no guarantees that the child won't break their hearts.

3) realistically, if he is so set on having children (not just to fit in, be fashionable, do what everyone else is doing) why not take the time to explore alternatives? it costs what $200,000 to raise a child? compared to that the cost of invitro (and egg donor and surrogate if necessary-what, around $50,000?) is not that daunting. Of course if one is not determined that their 'genes' must be carried on, adopt.

I just can't accept the 'I want to have children' argument in a day when reproductive technology is as advanced as it is.

This is a good topic but I don't want to totally hi-jack GD's thread.

Cat, I hope you don't mind if I use my post above and your post here to start a thread on this topic.

While I have been through the parenting thing, I still would have to agree with those who say it is a 'cop-out' to use wanting children as an excuse to end a relationship. There are a number of reasons for it.

1) thanks to the media, a baby is today's little dog-the perfect accessory. we don't over see the cover of People magazine showing the sullen 16 year old child of some celebrity in trouble for stealing daddys car, or their 2-3 year old having a screaming temper tantrum; however, this is the reality of having children. instead its 'baby bump watch time'. i'm gonna guess that, once it stops being fashionable, there will be far fewer babies born. Maybe the younger male's role model should be Ashton instead of the 'baby-daddies'.

2) as stated over and over, there are no guarantees that 20-something and 30-something women will have children-or that the male in question even has viable sperm. and even if they do have children, no guarantees that the child won't break their hearts.

3) realistically, if he is so set on having children (not just to fit in, be fashionable, do what everyone else is doing) why not take the time to explore alternatives? it costs what $200,000 to raise a child? compared to that the cost of invitro (and egg donor and surrogate if necessary-what, around $50,000?) is not that daunting. Of course if one is not determined that their 'genes' must be carried on, adopt.

I just can't accept the 'I want to have children' argument in a day when reproductive technology is as advanced as it is.

I'm with SG, I don't believe its a cop out to want your own children, what's good for the goose is good for gander and the reason an ow would feel its a cope out is because its not with them, but lets face it. Most ow would not want a child and start that over again, even adoption, so where does that leave a ym.

And not every 20/30 something yw CAN'T reproduce, they most definitely have better chances then with someone older, I just think its catty to claim it to be a cop out and you have children yourselves...would you abandon your children so that the ym will not resent you for having your child...I don't think so. This is as much a reminder to ow of their age and that might be what irks them. Kind of reminds me of the movie Flowers in the Attic and how the mother locks the kids in the attic so that the new b/f wouldn't know she had children.

He has every right to have his own children, even at the expense of a relationship. You're only young once, in the right physical/healthy and shape emotionally to deal with the screaming/tantrums etc that you mention when you're a young parent. As for invitro, that's provided it takes in the first try, after that, you're looking at the same amount of money in raising a child. And who the hell has $50gs to spend like that without mortgaging the house.

One would have to be really naive to believe that love only comes around for OW, it comes with any age group, race, ethnicity and/or gender. Its not fixated on just ow/ym or yw/om. The fact that he found someone who he can find a sense of respect, love and devotion to want to create children with that person, says alot about the kind of man he is and I'm glad the OP recognizes that about the kind of father that he wishes to be because he wants the children, whereas others have them either through the oops method, or its part of some mindless schedule with a man they then hate 20 years later, ...to wish him anything less is tacky, vicious and mean spirited.

Being with an OW is not all that, being with someone who you can wake up with for the rest of your life even after a fantastic relationship, creates as sense of hope and faith in your hands in believing that you're can be a good parent. And we don't have many of those, not as ym or om.


Paris

Well...I have to agree with iparis for a change. LOL I sometimes think she is a little blunt but none-the-less honest. I admire that. I have come to realize as I age I think differently. I don't think it's a cop out for a relationship because the ow can't or won't have children. I believe in those situations the desire of the ym to have children is greater than anything else at the moment. And it should not be denied if that's the case. The "something" missing from their life would never be fulfilled. I have lived this...I know. Many may remember my ym went back to his wife after a long separation and being with me because his time clock was ticking and he decided all of a sudden he wanted a child. Well...time has passed. The baby is 1. It is the joy of his life...he brought the baby to see me when it was about 6 mos. old. I was holding it and he remarked....the two people I love most in this world are together. I was shocked....I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled. Is he totally happy? No. But the baby thing is over. Even though things didn't work out for us I know in my heart he loved me very much but the power of procreation was stronger...and that's okay

I'm not trying to say things to be hurtful, but I'm realistic. I can't have children...the need to reproduce does not go away when you want a child. But at my age, I'm too tired to procreate now and wouldnt' want to start handling a baby...

The fact that I am older should factor in whether he wants that child or not. I had to give up a guy for the same reasons. It hurts, but you get over it, and move on, considering that there are many men in this world who are deadbeat dads and/or not plugged into their kids, its worth it to me to know that a young man wants this child that badly and should have it at the risk of me.

OW/YM don't have exactly the best statistic for a lifetime, and if I drop dead it would be arrogant of me to think he's going to just sit there and wither away. I would hope I have taught him enough about love to give that love to another who would want to share his life and give him children. There are lessons of growth, humility and sacrifrice in having children, that we don't learn with partners and the fact that for many of us, the Lord has trusted His children with us humans for thousands of years, well that is a miracle in and of itself.

Children (if raised humbly) can be a joy. Even when a relationship is over, those little, trusting arms going around your shoulders can make everything right in the world. Yes, They are a handful, we all were, and most people know this, but it still doesn't stop them from having children (even with the expense)...we were children once, we were obnoxious, rebellious teens, stupid young adults, and cankerous old folks, but we don't forget our "human-ness" as DS says.

But when you weigh an older woman whose had children, can't or won't have any more (and a relationship that may last only a moment in time) whereas children are eternally yours...well, you can get over a relationship real quick...but not the lost of a child.

Its a hard pill to swallow when you have 15+ years difference, but if you're going to involve yourself in it, that's a huge risk that you will not win. And you shouldn't make him choose just because you're older and are looking at singleton again and are afraid.

It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Or that the relationship such as it was, wasn't an inspiration to you both. Its just a wrong time, wrong generation...just be thankful you were well loved for the amount of time you had.

Paris

I take just a slightly different slant on all this. Yes, GD's ex-YM said he wanted children, etc., and that was his reason for leaving so he says. And yes we all have "reasons" and interests and priorities in life.

Whether it's a cop-out or not, is not really the issue...I feel...in a 6-year relationship. It would be more of an issue in a relationship that might be developing or just getting off the ground or at a point where it's being decided whether it's serious or not...but after a long-term relationship, my feeling is that deep down it's an excuse or an opportunity to free oneself from the situation. Not necessarily because it's a bad situation, but because they simply need to move on.

In this case, GD's YM saw the issue of wanting children as a "fair" or understandable reason to move on....so he didn't have to look like the bad guy and at the same time, why not? It's an option he has and so he found someone to fit the bill. Who wants to say to someone a lover of 6 years..."Sorry, you just don't do it for me and I need to cut mylosses." No one wants to look like a selfish jerk. It's obviously not about the woman he's marrying or the woman he's leaving...it's about his vision of his life plan. Frankly, he sounds like it's mostly about him. It was about him making up his mind, him having children, and everything and everyone else needs to cater to that "vision" of his life. Which is fine...it's his life. But it says something about the person.

As for children...they are great...but I don't see it as a right, I see it as a gift or one's fate. In reality, I don't believe we really control all that, although it may seem like we do. Certain people are meant to be born and they will be one way or another...we are just the vessels. If this YM and his new wife have children...they were meant to be born.

As someone who now is estranged from her biological father...I will say that just having biological children has little to do with the ultimate relationship. There are plenty of adopted kids I'm sure who have better relationships with their adopted parent(s) than scores of biological children have with their biological parent.

What I will say to you, GD, is while I know it hurts from an ego-centric point of view...I feel...from an objective POV, that you just unloaded yourself of a heavy burden on your life...making this YM happy...an impossible task. Now his soon to be wife can take over the impossible job. You are now free....to make yourself happy...the most important thing of all. Good luck to you!:)