Help me accept age gap.. why can't I?

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, this is my first post, and I would really appreciate some honest advice.
The story goes back 7 years ago, I met this nice guy and I was 31 at the time, we started going out for a bit, but he told me he was older than what he was. I was ok with that..because I thought it was only a few years age difference. Then I find out the real age gap is 6 years and 8 months a little into our seeing one another. At least he came clean. At the time, I was pretty upset with him because I thought if he lied to me about his age, what else was there... Anyway, i couldn't get it around my head that he was 24. In my opinion, I was not after a guy that many years younger, I had gone out with someone else years ago when I was 25 and he was 19 and it just didn't work, He put me off with his immaturity and using me... , I was in my 30's and looking for a serious relationship and I just thought a guy 24 wasn't for me.
I was pretty upset when I called it off because I really liked him..anyway, we kept in touch now and then over the years..

Here's the thing, I have a problem with accepting the age differrence. I know some may say it's only just over 6 years, but I have a somewhat paranoid personality about these things. I don't know why? that's my thing. I do, and it's bothering me that I just can't accept it. I want to be able to!!!

Continuing on... 7 years have passed and we have reconnected. He's now turning 32 next month and i will be 39 in 6 months. He asked me if I was "Over the age thing yet" because that was what was holding him back from pursuing me. He told me I've always kept him at arms length and it's because of me that nothing has happened. He is completely right, and I just stumbled and fumbled, not knowing how to answer. He asked why the older men i had dated hadn't turned out for me, if age was so important.

I feel that this is my last sort of chance with him, I don't want to waste his time, and I know it sounds strange, but I don't want to lose him but I don't know how to get past my insecurity about being older than him. Can you please help me with this? Can you help me get over this age gap and my blatant inability to get over this. What's going on with me? What did you say to yourself to get over this because I feel that once I have, it will be terrific with this guy, there is definitely something very soulful about the two of us together. Maybe I'm worried that we'll look strange together or he'll get bored with me or something. Typical women things I guess.

I'm just looking for some kind of words that helped you to decide to "go for it". I'm a very honest and loving person, who is looking for love like everybody else. I just thought that it would be with a man who was my age or older.

If you could kindly help me out, be honest, whatever you think I would really, truly appreciate it.. because i deserve happiness.

Your friend...

Your story is so much like mine. I met him when I was 32. He asked me how old I was, and I was honest. Age has always been just a number to me. I asked him hold old he was, and he said 28. At first, I thought, "wow that's young- i've never dated younger than me". After our first meeting, it was about 2 weeks til I saw him again, but we talked online. Right before I was supposed to see him for the 2nd time in person, he told me he had something to tell me. I thought he was married! Nope....not married....just 23 instead of 28. Now that 4 year age difference became a 9 year age difference. I did have a hard time with it at first. People looked. I didn't know if they were looking b/c
1. We were so touchy feely with each other- all ga ga in love!
2. The age difference
3. The cultural difference
I live in a very conservative area, so it could have been any of the above!

Anyway, eventually, our love for each other, the fun we had, and the conversations and good times we enjoyed outweighed all the others, and I stopped noticing if people were even looking. It's been almost 5 years, and we are getting married in one month!

Follow your heart....but really, age is just a number when it comes to this. I would hate to think that I would have missed this wonderful man b/c of a number.

FWIW, we've been happily married for more than 30 years, and I'd hate to think we'd have missed out on all that because of some silly fears. Frankly, once you're both adults, a difference of this amount really isn't significant at all except for around those crtical life stages such as when my wife was able to retire and I wasn't. But then I was able to take early retirement and we were both "the same age" again.

Nothing anyone says is going to be able to help you get over this. You need to find out WHY you feel this way-maybe see a counselor. 7 years is nothing as far as an age gap is concerned. In fact...that's like normal. Maybe it isn't the age gap you are afraid of....maybe its just a relationship in and of itself and you are just using that as an excuse. You noted yourself that you didn't know his real age, so obviously maturity wasn't a factor. Personally, I think you just grasped at the first out and took it.

You pretty much have 2 choices in life. Take risks and possibly get hurt, or take no risks at all and just be miserable. I think you should see a counselor, but in the meantime-see the guy and tell yourself there IS no age difference. Just relax, have fun and see where it goes.

I don't know that I really lost my concerns about the age gap. All I can tell you is that when I'm with him, I just feel in love. I don't think twice about the gap until I am alone and really have the opportunity to dither. I clearly remember asking myself "Why am I fighting this?" then making a decision to go for it. (BTW, we have a 25 year gap.

Twinkle, honestly, I got over it because I love him SO much, that all of a sudden I didn't see an age anymore at all, alls I saw was him as a person. He is just Mike, the guy I love. At first, I felt like you do. And mind you, our gap is 24 years. Seriously, your gap is VERRRY small and I wouldn't even worry about it! This year, we have been together 10 years. I don't see, or feel a gap when I am with him. He is just my other half.

Kye, put it well.

We met when I was 31 and he was 20. I did like you and sent him away for 3 years. He was consistent and knew what he wanted. I finally allowed myself to let love in. As we get older 26 and 37 (yikes, 37), the age gap gets smaller.

We've also built a common past now on which to base our future, so age gaps seem like a trivial little thing.

I would say that you should allow yourself the chance to see what this can be. I mean, what about the age gap is bugging you at this point? List the things out. If its only that you are afraid of what others might say, then that is a problem with your own thinking. If its something else, then work through that until its logical conclusion.

Truthfully, its hard to get a rise out of anyone any more when I tell them... and I try!

Love, in general, is rare. And I waited a long time to find the right guy... Thank god I didn't miss out for something so trivial as age. (We're getting married next summer)

I remember when I found out Clint's age. Before him I always only dated men a few years older than I am. I still find older men terribly sexy so here was this younger guy who I thought was 25 maybe 26, I was 33 at the time. When I found out a month or so later that he was actually 20, I think I went back to my desk at work thinking "crapcrapcrapcrapcrap", because he was so young I tried to cross him off as dating material by trying to encourage my twentysomething friends to "go for him, he's a really nice guy." He didnt even blink an eye in their direction because he wanted me, 33, four kids and all. Very weird.

Part of the misconception that I had about dating a much much younger man was that I would be with someone immature, that I would have to make all the important decision in life instead of having a partner, I use to believe that if I was with a younger man I would have lead and he would have to follow, I didnt want someone that I would have to guide along and honestly for me personally having come from former older man younger woman relationships. I liked being the baby in the relationship, I liked being spoiled. I didnt think a younger man could make me feel like that.

I was wrong. lol. My man ( and I say my man because not all young men are like this) babies me and spoils me. He is also the most opinionated, stubborn, headstrong, so and so that you would ever come across. I wouldnt be able to lead this man to water if he was dying of thirst if he thought he knew a better route to get to it. He is, as lame as it is when I see this typed, "mature for his age", excessively so, so much so that I call him my very young old man.

As for the maturity, I dont see any difference in maturity than older men that I dated, Clint likes video games, my ex who was 32 when I divorced him likes them too, my ex bf who was nearing 40 when we broke up liked them too...my step dad who is nearly 60 likes them too. So I have ceased to see a love of video games as a marker of immaturity. Maybe its because we all need something like that to keep us happy. Clint and I have a lot of things in common and have these past years developed things together that we like.

More importantly for me, Clint is responsible. You cant teach that either they are or they arent.

In the end I chose to take a chance, I went into this expecting the worst, leaving an open door for escape if dating a younger guy turned out to be the nightmare that I thought it would be. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised and am still surprised everyday by him.

We are getting married this year.

I'M 42 he is 21 and we are getting married..we have had a few rocky roads due to the crap with his parents and my ex...BUT guess what....still going strong AND in fact stronger. I love him deeply and him me.

I look back and think THANK god I did not throw him away over this age thing. YES I had an issue with it, BUT I love him madly and he is a GOOD guy
SO why not go for it??

Is he nice to you?
Does he treat you well?
respect.
make your heart beat slow and fast at the same time
does he give you tiny butterflies??

HE is NOT the first guy...you were 25 the guy was 19 and that one was immature..SOME are SOME are not...SO why base and compare this dork who treated you with disrespect AND immaturity with this guy who seems FANTASTIC???


GO FOR IT!:yes:

Twinkle,

My fiance once said "You are using against me the one thing I can't change. I feel like you are using it as an excuse not to find love." I don't know if that's what I was doing, but I definitely thought that I knew what love should 'look like'.

You can spend your life wondering what-if with this man or you can go for it. What scares you more: Never knowing or the risk of finding out? Can it work? Yes. Can it fail? Yes. Only you know if it's worth the risk to find out.

But if you think it's unusual or wrong to love a YM, read this thread and it should help you address many of the concerns you are feeling:

Common OW/YM (older woman / younger man) Age Gap Questions (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=20506)

Good luck in your journey and welcome to Ageless!

I think if you really wanted to be with him, you'd be with him. I know when I fell for my fella, you wouldn't have been able to hold me back. Six years is very little... you obviously aren't that into him if you let the age stop you from being with him.

I wanted to post and say a big THANK YOU to everyone who replied and took the time to advise me, you are all just so lovely... I have read and re-read your advice to me, and I probably will even print them out so i get the message... :)

I hear what you're saying.. I am going to really try and accept that it shouldn't be such a focus and I really need to get over this hurdle because it shouldn't matter.

Once again, thank you for taking the time.

I think this place is wonderful, and i feel like I've made some new friends.

I'm having my first official date with him this Saturday... I just hope I don't get all weird about age...


T

How would you feel if the age was reversed and he was the older one?

My ex husband is 7 years older than me. I was 18 and he was 25 when we met. 3 weeks later we were married and stayed that way for 25 years. Age had nothing to do with our divorce.

My current husband is 22 years younger than I am. We have been married over 4 1/2 years and have been in a relationship for 7 years.

If I had let age become a focal point, I would have missed out on an incredibly happy marriage with a wonderful, loving husband.

Guinavere... If the age had been reversed, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I would think it was natural. This is why I'm kind of upset with myself. I should know better. I think there lies something beneath that I'm really frightened of. I can't exactly pin point it yet. But I will.


Angel - My fiance once said "You are using against me the one thing I can't change. I feel like you are using it as an excuse not to find love." I don't know if that's what I was doing, but I definitely thought that I knew what love should 'look like'.

Something about what your fiance said really hit home with me.:eek:

Grumpysgirl:-
Is he nice to you? Yes
Does he treat you well?Yes
respect. Yes
make your heart beat slow and fast at the same time Yes
does he give you tiny butterflies??Yes

He's a really nice guy.

Oh thank you everyone so much.

Angel - My fiance once said "You are using against me the one thing I can't change. I feel like you are using it as an excuse not to find love." I don't know if that's what I was doing, but I definitely thought that I knew what love should 'look like'.

Something about what your fiance said really hit home with me.:eek:


Once upon a time I felt much like you. When I found Ageless I felt like I was able to finally start tackling the fears and confusion I felt. I'm still evolving and coming into 'us', but I'm glad he forced my hand and stuck around. I am a kinder softer person because I was forced to face adversity in my own relationship.

His comment hit home with me as well because I had used his age against him so many times. I would've been crushed by him discriminating against me for something I couldn't change, yet I thought nothing to do it to him. Honestly Twinkle, I don't know why he even stuck around trying to convince me, because I definitely handled the entire situation like a nutcase. I have resolved it in my mind that he's crazier than me because he's still here! We're two nuts sharing a padded cell. :p :D

I hope no matter what your decision is that you find the experience challenges your ideas on love and opens you to the possibility to look outside of your comfort zone. :yes:

Here's my take, for what it's worth...

I think you feel something for this guy, and being the self defeating creatures we are sometimes, it scares you. And I think you've fastened onto the only point you can really bring against him, to try to hold the scary stuff at bay.

Just enjoy the date.

Try just giving that time to yourself as a gift. Tell yourself you'll worry about the other stuff the next day, but you DESERVE a nice date, and so does he.

And do that the next time, and the next.

You can't force your mind to change whatever it's trying to do to you, but you can retrain it to get past the anxiety.

He sounds like a great guy. What a waste it would be to miss a really nice time, just because of an irrational fear, huh?

Angel... I can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me with this and all the beautiful people who have. Maybe I am scared, scared like you wouldn't believe... and maybe I have used this one thing (like your fiance said) I've been using the age thing because of my own insecurity and fears..:eek: I'm upset with myself. I think it goes down deeper and this is all coming up to the surface now.
He hasn't been constantly around, like throughout the 7 years I've only seen him a handfull of times, he's dated other people and so have I. He told me he didn't want to force me, that he wanted it to be my own decision, and I needed to resolve how I felt about the age difference.

What your fiance said is sticking with me like you wouldnt believe.

Bella... thank you.
I think you've fastened onto the only point you can really bring against him, to try to hold the scary stuff at bay.
:eek: oh so true :eek:


That is such wonderful advice and I think i will do just that just focusing on the date and that's it :)

You don't know how glad and appreciative I am that I found this place and I don't think I would go forward with this if it weren't for the people here really helping me face my anxieties about this.

im with a older woman 39 im 20.i dont mind the age since im happy when im with her.we been in this relationship for about 1 and a half years.i dont care about the age its just a number you live once might aswell do the things that make you happy.its like friends,you like them for what they repersent inside, age got nothing to do with it.
follow your heart

How'd the date go?

I don't know if I can give you advice because I have never really dated, something is not culturally done in South America too often. Often, you meet people through friends, acquaintances and family, and when you meet for the first time, you focus on having the best time possible in company of the friends, relatives whatever who happen to be present.

It's a very fluid process, and there's no exchange of phone numbers, e-mail address, etc. If there's interest beyond the first meeting, then there's a major networking going on trying to get friends to have the girl or the boy in future meetings. Crazy, don't you think?

Anyway, I think instead of focusing in the age gap, which in my opinion is minimal, you should focus in having fun with this person on your night out or whatever your date happens to be. I think dating is somewhat stressful in the sense that you have this sexual connotation plus a possible expectation of God knows what, I couldn't tell you, but I would be a wreck of nerves thinking about that.

I think you're probably used to dating, so don't worry about the age thing, just enjoy the company, the conversation, and whatever activity you will be doing. Keep us posted. ;)

Hi All,

Just thought I would post... the date never happened. Well Saturday came along, and I get a call. It's him. He tells me that his brother in law needs help fixing something and I say fine, fair enough... he obviously didn't want to see me later that night. He says "What about tomorrow", i say "I can't, I've plans tomorrow", he says "ok, when you're finished with what you need to do tomorrow, after that, we can catch up", I say "I can't as the plans will run into the evening. They were plans pre-made from ages ago. So, it never happened. It's left at that. Then, I say, let's make it next weekend if you're not busy. He says yes. Well that is this Saturday coming. Let's see if he cancels out on me this weekend. If he does, I don't think i will pursue this.

I'm somewhat confused. When we talk, it seems to be great, but then he won't call for days. Anyway, thought I'd be proactive. Wanted to know if Saturday was still on, so I just sent him a text asking him to let me know if it was still on or not. I don't want to waste my whole weekend away just waiting for a call if you know what I mean. If he can't make it, then I will do something else.

I really like him, but he's confusing me a bit.

Hope this all makes sense, so that's where it stands. Date cancelled, never happened.

I will keep you all posted....

I read this last post and I find your approach confusing. Why text him on Tuesday to find out of you are still on for Saturday? If I were in his shoes I would think one of two things: 1) she's sort of clingy/needy or 2) something's come up and she's looking for an out. Don't text him again, unless you haven't heard from him by Friday.

I read this last post and I find your approach confusing. Why text him on Tuesday to find out of you are still on for Saturday? If I were in his shoes I would think one of two things: 1) she's sort of clingy/needy or 2) something's come up and she's looking for an out. Don't text him again, unless you haven't heard from him by Friday.

I totally agree.

Also: text messages sometimes don't arrive or they take a long time arriving, and then you may not get an answer as quickly as you hope, and you end up thinking "he does not care".

Text messages are not the tool of choice for clarifying dating issues.

Apart from what I said in my previous posting, I somehow feel you view the whole thing too pessimistically.

Just thought I would post... the date never happened. Well Saturday came along, and I get a call. It's him. He tells me that his brother in law needs help fixing something and I say fine, fair enough... he obviously didn't want to see me later that night. He says "What about tomorrow", i
Why do you take it personal that he does not want to see you later that some night? The following day you also have plans, and you know that on the same day you cannot see him anymore, because your other plan will run into the evening. His situation is the same. He probably knows that his brother in law will want him to stay there for the rest of the evening and sit with the family.
Besides, it is hard to be punctual for a date when you have got work to do and you don't know how much time he work will require.

say "I can't, I've plans tomorrow", he says "ok, when you're finished with what you need to do tomorrow, after that, we can catch up", I say "I can't as the plans will run into the evening. They were plans pre-made from ages ago. So, it never happened. It's left at that. Then, I say, let's make it next weekend if you're not busy.
Since English is not my mother tongue, I don't know whether "after that" can also mean "on the next day".
Next time you get into a situation like that, you could say "tomorrow I am busy all day, but I would be happy to meet you ....(and suggest a clear alternative). Don't say "if you are not too busy". If he is busy on the suggested day, he will say so. I would also leave out the "plans were made ages ago". That sounds like an unnecessary justification. You have got plans. Fullstop.



He says yes. Well that is this Saturday coming. Let's see if he cancels out on me this weekend. If he does, I don't think i will pursue this.
Why do you think he should cancel this? He might actually cancel it now, thinking that you are looking for a way out.
Text messages often cause more harm than good. ;)
But you are of course right that if he cancels it (and does not have a good reason and suggests and alternative), there is no point in pursuing. Nobody should write "please take me" on his forehead. :D

I'm somewhat confused. When we talk, it seems to be great, but then he won't call for days.

Maybe friends told him to not call frequently because otherwise you might think he is needy.

Thanks for the advice... Yes, good point (redhead, rosie), I can see how I've come across as needy. So, i will take that on board. Don't want to be needy :eek: and I don't mind the constructive critcisim. Got to get it to learn from things. That's why I'm here.

Just to let you know, he did get back to me, said he couldn't make Saturday but could do Friday or Sunday. So, I guess we'll see what happens from then.

I'm just going to play it cool, not text and leave it up to him.

Thank you all for your advice, whether it be good or bad, it's helping and I appreciate all the advice.

Will keep you posted.

T.

Thanks for the advice... Yes, good point (redhead, rosie), I can see how I've come across as needy. So, i will take that on board. Don't want to be needy :eek: and I don't mind the constructive critcisim. Got to get it to learn from things. That's why I'm here.

Like you, I also appreciate constructive criticism, and I appreciate if people tell me directly what they think the issue is (without beating around the bush).

I would generally never ever try to clarifly by text message anything that remotely has to do with relationsships. Make it a rule. You will save yourself trouble.


Just to let you know, he did get back to me, said he couldn't make Saturday but could do Friday or Sunday. So, I guess we'll see what happens from then.

I think if he even gave you two alternatives instead of one, he really wants to meet you.


Will keep you posted.
I sure hope so! :p

Redhead...

I really appreciated what you had to say. You guys are here to help, and that's why I came. Good or bad, I have to accept it.
And I will keep you posted. :)
Keep an eye out cause I'll be right here.

Hi All,

Wanted to come here to let you know that it is over.. to cut a long story short, Friday came around and I never heard from him... waited the whole day, no call, no text. It got to about 9pm and I thought, better call to see what's going on. If I hadn't have called, he wouldn't have, so I found out in the end. So much for plans. Basically he's like come over if you want. Not really caring, could tell by the tone in his voice. Hello,it's already 9pm, I have to work the next day, takes me over and hour to get there, not even ready. I was not really impressed. I just said, I thought I would have heard from him earlier just to arrange things. He's like, well you can always call me, I'm not going to chase you. For me, that was bascially it. It went down him from there. The vibe went downhill so fast. He said, I'm not going to chase you along those lines and started on with immature banter. I started to get quite upset as I thought, a man has to show some sort of interest. Anyway, I just decided that no.. he's not the guy for me. He ended up by slamming the phone in my ear half way through a conversation. That was it for me!! I thought, disrespectful, immature guy. It's over. I sent him a text saying that I didn't appreciate the phone being slammed in my ear, and bid him goodbye. He then sent a text back saying he didn't want to continue the friendship either, and used my age against me. I just thought, wow, what a real creep, goodbye. I erased his number, messges and the lot, and just bid the whole thing goodbe.
I feel so much better, knowing I, a wonderful person will eventually meet a great man who loves and appreciates me.

Wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who gave me advice and supported me.

Take care everyone and thank you.

T.

Just so you know Twinkle...it's not a requirement to be in an AGR to be a member and still post here.

We have many members who started with an AGR that later ended and found themself in a relationship with very little (less than a year :D) and still post and seek advice at times. Many are single and post too! Don't feel that you need to leave. We always tell people that an AGR is how you found yourself here and the people are why you stayed! :D

Either way I wish you nothing but the best in life! :yes:

He's like, well you can always call me, I'm not going to chase you. For me, that was bascially it. .
Understandable from your point. He has quite a nerve to speak like that. :mad:

The vibe went downhill so fast.
To me it sounds like this was his goal.

He said, I'm not going to chase you along those lines and started on with immature banter. I started to get quite upset as I thought, a man has to show some sort of interest. Anyway, I just decided that no.. he's not the guy for me.
Right conclusion. Of course a man has to show some interest. You want to feel loved and appreciated, and you don't want to feel as if you had to write "please take me" on your forehead.

He then sent a text back saying he didn't want to continue the friendship either, and used my age against me. I just thought, wow, what a real creep, goodbye. I erased his number, messges and the lot, and just bid the whole thing goodbe.
I am glad that you erased everything, and I hope he is not going to bother you anymore (with phone calls or the like).
It was very cheap of him to use your age against you. A real friend would never have done that. To say the least, as a friend he does not sound like he is a big loss for you ;). I also don't believe in this "let's remain friends" stuff.

I feel so much better, knowing I, a wonderful person will eventually meet a great man who loves and appreciates me.
I am sure you will!

And I hope you will stay here. Angel is completely right. Look, I am single but I am also here.

Angel.. thank you and I'm sure i will still check in... :) such lovely people here....

Redhead... Oh... he was just so rude. His tone was so arrogant, so immature. What did age have anything to do with it, that he brings that up.. what an immature guy. I'm so glad he's gone. No, he won't contact me again. I won't ever contact him... I know him well enough to know that he said no friendship means just that, and I would never be with a guy like that anyway. It's done!! :)

It was just his attitude that really got to me, the tone of his voice, the way he hung up the phone on me... the list goes on.

Oh well, it's over. I'm lucky that nothing started with guy and I walk away looking towards the future with a guy that is mature and who derserves me.