He is trapped and so is my heart

Hello all you wonderful age-gappers. This is a new twist on probably a common story. The common question, what do I do now? Head or heart?
The man in question is the reason I even hunted out this site in the first place, oh so many years ago. It was a long distance thing. IM’s and talked on the phone for ages. I swayed emotionally with him and tried to not take it seriously, just be friends. I even stopped talking with him for almost a year once. We finally meet last year and spent 3 days together. I felt we didn’t have a chance and ended it in Feb. And not a day went by that we both didn’t miss each other. We talked for the first time two nights ago and I am more confused then ever.
The story goes as follows:
He was a foreign student in London and found himself having to join the British army. He was eventually promoted to the leader of his squad and made the decision to not obey an order and didn’t kill a bunch of women and children being used as human shields. When they found out he and some of his men were court marshaled and put in military prison. There he sat until along came the US military that made him a deal, either stay here for eternity or come work for us. He was not given citizen ship and never offered it. He is their property and if he wants out he will be sent back to that british military prison. I think the US army is treating him well and he has accepted it but the problem is I am in Canada. This is where I have to stay. It would be a bit better if he moved closer to a boarder like Buffalo or Michigan. He can’t even cross over to see me. He made the mistake of marrying a psycho alcholic cheating native woman and lived with her and her 14 year old son on the reserve. Their divorce was proceeded over by the native court so he will be paying a huge alimony forever which again limits what he can do. Side bar note, he was 23 when he married her, separated 6 months later, I meet him in the yahoo chat room when he was 25. With the army sending him over seas all the time and his crazy ex wife and the fact that he is trapped in the states is really making a relationship with me a selfish thing on both of our parts. I am just getting older and will end up being alone forever and he is wasting valuable time he could be using to find a stateside girlfriend. He is 29 and I am 47. I have tried to date others, but my heart isn’t into it, we have a pull for each other that is very unique for me, I don’t love easy and I love him. I can’t move to the states, I am tied here because of my elderly father and my two sons.
Do I let things return to where they were and just kill time until it ends, hoping something will change to make the ending a happily ever after ending, love conquers all or suck it up and end it again before things get out of hand? I want him, I really really want him. I want him to be here with me. I want to be able to get a real hug anytime. Not have to shell out $1000 on a plane ticket and a chunk of vacation time to get it. My best friend doesn’t want me talking to him, she feels he is a waste of time. But……

Ok, so this has all happened but, after 4 years, you still haven't met?
I'd start getting out more and tell him the way it is....keep talking to him, if, you still want to and, if, he understands how important you are and loves you enough to see you happy.
Maybe the more you go out, the easier and more fun it will become.
Past that......this dude sounds like he has an awful lot of baggage:yes:
Are you ok with all of it???
Blessings, TD

Oh please! The stories this person is telling you are ridiculous. Get rid of this person, 4 years and you haven't met? If you wanna waste yet another 4 years on this person, just read some of Suicidblondes posts....

This guy is a waste of time... move ON

We finally meet last year and spent 3 days together.

It sounds like they have met at least once.

ToGirl -- I have to say that I have never heard of the US military offering a deal to a british soldier. I find that part of the story to be really strange. Are you certain he is in the US military now? And are you certain that he is in the US military for life? It's a strange story that just doesn't make sense to me.

I hope for your sake that he's not leading you into believing some bizarre story.

Four years and only 3 days face to face time? That's a lot of emotional investment in someone who you know very little about. I think your first matter should be figuring out a way that you can spend some real time with him. Without that, you are investing in a fantasy. I met my YM online and when I first came to this site, I was adament that these online relationships were real. I have, over the years, changed my tune. The internet might be a vehicle for bringing kindred souls together, but without time together in the real world, those relationship are really more illusion than substance.

I think everyone else has said all that needs to be said

Oh please! The stories this person is telling you are ridiculous. Get rid of this person, 4 years and you haven't met? If you wanna waste yet another 4 years on this person, just read some of Suicidblondes posts....

This guy is a waste of time... move ON

OK sorry, misquoted. You have met for 3 days, and yet you have spent 4 years listening to these bizarre and unsubstantiated stories? Again, move on, and take your dignity with you. Waste not another second on this fraudulent human being....

I think I have said this before on another thread.

Where is the proof? Paperwork such as passports, divorce papers, etc etc etc.

You cannot taken things at face value not on the net, it's too easy to keep the fantasy going. How have you made sure that his story checks out? How have you made sure that he is who he says he is? That he is divorced as he says he is? That he is indeed in the military as he says he is?

Four years and 3 days of IRL time? Thats a long weekend at the most and not nearly enough time to have gotten to know the real him, not the just the net him, the real him. Because as we all know there is the net personality and the real personality. Step back and try to see him as he really is and not as the person that you have built in your head based on hours spent in IM.

I agree with your friend.

I was in a LDR for 3 years but during this time we met over 5 times for a week to 10 days at a time. If things would have to go back to LDR, I think I would not last for long. One thing I realized is that life is short and you really cannot waste time with a relationship that is not feasible.

Specially not when you are in your 40s or 50s.

Okay MY question is HAVE you had him checked out?? Police checks you name it YOURSELF?? Maybe hire a Pi to follow him to see if this is all for real.
To me it sounds like someones getting their chained yanked and HARD. I have never heard of the military ever doing this UNLESS they give this person immunity.SOMETHING is VERY fishy girl and if it were me I would run and RUN fast.
TO many RED flags if you ask me.

You only have his story and I can bet you there is a few other sides that are the real truth.

If he was a foreign student in London, why did he have to join the British Army? Unless he were a British citizen he would never have to join the army. I don't even think you are allowed to join the British Army unless you are a British citizen. So I don't believe that story at all. And if I see holes in that story, then in all honesty I wouldn't believe anything else he has said either. I would definitely check him out. I smell a rat...

Sweetie, have you ever heard the expression, "you can tell he's lying, because his lips are moving"?

I'm sorry to tell you this, but based on what you've shared here and what I know of the world, I think this guy has concocted a doozie of a fantasy and roped you into it.

When did this guy have time between being a foreign student in London, serving in the British Army, being held in military prison, and serving in the US Army to meet & marry a Native American, move to a reservation, and get divorced?

I don't know much about the British armed forces, but I am pretty sure that they don't "impress" anyone into service any more (which is what you're describing). I think they stopped that some time between 1850 and WWI. You can google "press gangs" to find out more, if you want. (Okay, this beckoned to my inner trivia buff. According to Wikipedia, they stopped in 1814.)

The British military does accept certain foreign nationals; the US military does, too, in specific instances. However, it is far more common for the military to hire a foreign national rather than to let them join.

Why would the US Army want someone the British (a long-time US ally) have court martialed and put into military prison? That would NOT make him desirable to the US military; if anything, it would make him UNFIT for service in the US armed forces.

And then there's this whole issue with ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement). If he's not a lawful permanent resident or naturalized citizen, I don't think he can join the military, and I think you have to be in the US at least 7 years before you can apply to become a naturalized citizen. According to the timeline he's provided you, he's only been here 6.

From what little I know of earning US citizenship through service in the US armed forces, a whole lot of conditions had to be met. Being court martialed by the British Army isn't one of them.

Why can't he enter Canada to see you? Doesn't he have a passport, or has Canada forbidden him entry?

It could vary according to the tribe's treaty/sovereignty agreement, but I don't think tribal courts have jurisdiction over divorces. I grew up on a reservation and live just outside its boundaries now. The people who live on the reservation and members of that tribe who want divorces have to go through the state district court just like everybody else.

As someone who was awarded alimony, I can tell you that they usually don't just hand it out to anyone who asks for it. The person who's being asked to pay alimony has to agree to it, or the person requesting it has to prove they're entitled to it--for whatever reason. If he's paying her "huge alimony forever," as you say, there's a good chance it's because he left her in such bad shape that she will never be able to take care of herself again...assuming anything he's told you thus far is true.

I could have fun with this all night, but I have to go to work tomorrow and that necessitates some sleep.

In short, I'm with your best friend IRL, tinydancer, and everyone else here--don't have anything more to do with this guy, and try to get out more.

^^ What she said

Sometimes when we want something so bad, we are blind to the facts that everyone else around us can see-including your friend. This guy is a great story crafter. Besides, if you REALLY, REALLY wanted him that bad, YOU would find a way to make it work. Having a sick father and 2 kids-meh, I would still move if it was the right guy. Personally I think you know his stories are bs and you are probably afraid, for whatever reason to be in a relationship. Believing him and telling yourself you are powerless, is a great way to let the fantasy just ride out.

hummm.....you are in a tough spot here. I have to agree with the other posts though. It sounds like he is in a fantasy world and drawing you in with him. It's not that hard to check people out now days. Online searches can be very revealing. There are "detective" sites that you can join and they can help in that area too. I hope you will take the advice given by these wonderful people here, " they know what they are talking about!" Good luck to you and please, guard that heart of yours.....sorry I couldnt be more positive for you, I know this must hurt.

Thanks everyone. I broke it up with him for a year because I smelt something fishy. Yes he is in the army, saw the id card. Can't confirm anything else. There is more to the stories, as you can imagine, I just shortened it to explain why we can't just be together. I am not all that convinced that it is all a lie, I guess I am gullible. There is part of me screaming loudly in my head saying it is all bs. Up until we meet I was ok with just being friends and not taking it seriously. I was fine with dating others the whole time. I am a nurturer by nature and he is so pathetic.
You have all helped me greatly, given me the reality boot I needed and kinda knew I would get, which is probably why I have only just posted this story.
Thanks again.

Just wanted to add to what others already said. Just because 'some' of what he told you is true, doesn't mean he hasn't embellished beyond belief in most areas. I'm sorry you went through this, but please learn from it.

It seems I've heard it all over a 5yr period of internet/online dating. I've met some seriously pathological liars along the way. At first they start with a seed of truth and then they spin stories that take on a life of their own. It's sad/pathetic too, because they honestly believe what they tell you. Their stories/lies are told so much they get lost between reality and fiction.

Why do they do it? Need for codependent attention or someone to feel sorry for them maybe. What lesson to learn here? That the minute your gut says "hold on a minute!!" ... you should listen. Not saying LDR's cannot work, but I personally have been lied to enough to last a lifetime. I wouldn't invest emotionally in another LDR unless my kids were grown, I was retired and had money to "visit" alot.

Sounds like you did the right thing. You're an attractive woman will do just fine. :yes:

Dear TOGirl,

I sympathize so much with you, and what you are feeling. I am myself a new comer to Canada, and I must say out loud that not for a moment I've been treated like an immigrant, not to say that there's no racism in this country, but I have been treated first and mostly as an asset, and I have reciprocated by being productive and by gladly accepting to pay taxes here so that we can all enjoy life without crime and despair.

Canadians are an extremely decent bunch, both anglos and francos, and because of this, I have become more trusting than what I was when I first moved here from a country torn by a civil war. Regarding this experience, I can tell you that Canadians know very little about what really goes on in a war. You get emotionally damaged very easily when you're facing death and destruction everywhere.

From what you mention in your postings, I can tell that this YM needs help, but not yours. He has managed to push the right bells on you: those of compassion and care. I could keep going on about the things that aren't consistent in his character, but I prefer to tell you that you'd better break all ties with this individual, at the risk of being hurted in a big way.

Besides that, I understand your feelings about being alone at your age (I'm 46 with 2 children). What can I say, it's a tough situation, but you still have options, and plenty. I know there are plenty of locals in TO trying to date women your age, so possibly what you need is to take the lead and look closer to home. Think about what you would like in a man, talk to your friend in TO, she's obviously on your side, be honest with yourself and don't take less than what you deserve.

Chérie, tu as des amis à Montréal, tu sais?

Why can't he enter Canada to see you? Doesn't he have a passport, or has Canada forbidden him entry?

According to Canadian law and due to the sharing of criminal records with the U.S., the only reason why a Canadian couldn't enter the U.S. or viceversa is because of a criminal record of some sort. No need to hire a P.I. or dig into public records... this is a fact.

The other only reason I can think of is that maybe he's staying illegally in the U.S., so can't leave the U.S. at the risk of not being able to re-enter.

He was a foreign student in London and found himself having to join the British army. He was eventually promoted to the leader of his squad and made the decision to not obey an order and didn’t kill a bunch of women and children being used as human shields. When they found out he and some of his men were court marshaled and put in military prison.

The armies in question, be British, Canadian and even American, all have what they call "rules of engagement". These rules are pretty much standard for NATO nations, and any incident would be monitored by the Amnesty International, the UN and other NGO's. Depending of the "theater of operation" (the place where the conflict is being held), rules of engagement might vary a little, especially when the enemy cannot be identified by means of uniform (think of the case in Vietnam where children where used to deliver bombs).

Rules of engagement have evolved since Vietnam to avoid killing inocent by-standers, and I doubt very much that anyone would be put in jail for disobeying a direct order when following rules of engagement to the letter.

Anyway, don't know the particulars in the British army, but like I said, I've been living in a place at war.

Thanks GreenPetunia, the wealth of information you ladies know is amazing. Welcome to Canada.
Having his holes exposed has made this much easier. I still have deep feelings for him.
I caught him in a lie very early on and ended things and somehow we got back together. You ladies have given me the strength to stop self doubting myself and confront or just walk away and not let myself take him back again.
It will always be a mystery why people do some of the things they do.

Thanks GreenPetunia, the wealth of information you ladies know is amazing. Welcome to Canada.

Thank you for the welcome, but it's been some 21 or 22 years since my arrival as a twentysomething. Again, better look closer to home. :yes:

Thanks GreenPetunia, the wealth of information you ladies know is amazing. Welcome to Canada.
Having his holes exposed has made this much easier. I still have deep feelings for him.
I caught him in a lie very early on and ended things and somehow we got back together. You ladies have given me the strength to stop self doubting myself and confront or just walk away and not let myself take him back again.
It will always be a mystery why people do some of the things they do.

Well you can have international love BUT when then lie THAT is a red flag...and some of what he said is a red flag...even if you DID met someone closer to home NO MATTER THE AGE..I would still check them out...IF they have nothing to hide then they wont mind...better to be safe then sorry

some may not agree with me BUT after what my ex did I do it..LOL

Actually, there's something called the Privacy Act that pretty much seals all public records about a Canadian citizen even for governmental use since only the individual has the right to see those records fully. I suppose, one can always check public records for residents in the U.S., but here in Canada we out of luck.

A lot of this is inherently very unlikely

He was a foreign student in London and found himself having to join the British army.

Virtually impossible. Foreign nationals would not be accepted. The British army has very high entry standards and turns down most would-be recruits.

He was eventually promoted to the leader of his squad

British soldiers do not generaly use the terms 'leader' or 'squad' to describe their officers/NCO's or groupings.


and made the decision to not obey an order and didn’t kill a bunch of women and children being used as human shields. When they found out he and some of his men were court marshaled and put in military prison.

No such event has been reported in the UK press - it would have been.

There he sat until along came the US military that made him a deal, either stay here for eternity or come work for us.

The UK forces do not release prisoners in that way and I very much doubt the US ones do either.

SW

liar liar pants on fire!:tongue0013:

it's probably a phoney ID card. everything he's told you is a lie, honey. dump him, change yer number, block the texts, IMs, etc., ad nauseum, and move on. and remember: when you lose don't lose the lesson.