teenyweenie
07-12-2008, 09:52 AM
Back in March, I posted a thread describing the traumatic end of my relationship with my ym (we'll call him Kermit) after he decided to snoop through my emails and learn some disenchanting things about my past that I had been too ashamed to tell him about.
To recap: Two years before meeting and falling in love with Kermit, I went through a dark and depressing time in my life. I was dating a ym (who I'm going to call Snuffy), who I soon learned had serious psychological problems. His depression, hallucinations and dependency on me moved me to take a job as a stripper (long story about how it came to that!) so that Snuffy and I could quickly move to California, where I have family and where I thought we'd be happier. Needless to say, as soon as I started to engage in my secret profession (I told Snuffy, as well as all of my family and friends that I was ****tail waitressing- I was working as a part-time nanny on the side), my relationship with Snuffy began to fall apart, as only a relationship built on lies could do. I became extremely lonely, as I had isolated myself from everyone by living a secret life. I finally realized that I wasn't in love with Snuffy (I always knew it inside, though I cared about him), and eventually met a man at the club who I found I was attracted to both sexually and mentally, whereas I had never really been attracted to Snuffy in *that way.* This man I met merely served as a wake-up call in terms of discovering my sexuality and what I needed. I realized that I was not where I should be, and I quit working at the club. I returned to normalcy after breaking it off with Snuffy and working as a mental health counselor in a hospital... and I entered a new chapter in my life with confidence, optimism, and strength. Many months down the line I met Kermit, who I fell deeply in love with. We both felt that we were made for each other. I did not tell him about the dark time in my past because I was ashamed and remorseful for it... I wanted to bury it. However, 8 months later he found my secret tucked away in my emails, including a flirtatious correspondence I had with the man I met at the club (while I was still with Snuffy), and he terminated our relationship immediately in a state of shock, rage and pain. :throw:
I wanted to kill myself. I knew this was Karma, and that I had lost the love of my life because I had chosen to be selfish, dishonest, and as Kermit saw it, I degraded myself. Not only was he disgusted that I had been a dancer, he lost all trust in me because I kept the secret from him, and I had also cheated Snuffy, so why wouldn't I cheat him?
:jerry: I know, I know... it's bizarre and ridiculous.
It has been four months since then, and the pain has been excruciating. However, I wrote to Kermit everyday, pouring my heart out, pleading and explaining, and he would write back, saying, "obviously I'm still in love with you, but I don't know if I can trust you, you're not who I thought you were." through my pain, I found myself become more spiritually connected and centered , as I prayed everyday, engaged in meditation and exercise and continued to write and assure him that I am light years beyond where I was, that I love him, and that I would do anything to show him that he can trust me. Two months later, he called me and said that despite everything, his love for me was not fading, and that he knew I was the one for him. He just wanted me to show him I can live a good and respectful life. Soon after, he showed up at my house, and we ended up having a passionate lovemaking experience that I will never, ever forget. :kiss2:
Since that day, we have been repairing our relationship. He has gone to LA for the summer to pursue a music production internship, and the distance has only proved to strengthen our bond, and we miss each other intensely. We have both grown from this, and even though I have fallen off the pedestal, his knowledge of my past and my humanity has brought us closer then ever before, and we are learning to communicate with one another and deal with issues in a mature and loving fashion. Needless to say, with faith, love, humility and an ongoing display of trustworthiness, I have managed to save myself from losing the love of my life, and though there is still more repair work to be done, we both know we are going to make it through. He assures me that I'm the only one for him, and that he loves me more than anything, and I feel exactly the same way about him.
On Wednesday morning I am flying out to CA to visit family for two days, and then I'll be spending five glorious days with Kermit in LA. We are both extremely excited. :yay:
I just wanted to let you all know that I learned and grew from this painful experience, and I will never forget the support and advice I received from so many of you. It was flabbergasting to receive so much support and input, and each of you impacted my situation by instilling faith and optimism in my attitude. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. :bighug:
Time + perseverance + hope + love + FAITH and BELIEF= Success!
To recap: Two years before meeting and falling in love with Kermit, I went through a dark and depressing time in my life. I was dating a ym (who I'm going to call Snuffy), who I soon learned had serious psychological problems. His depression, hallucinations and dependency on me moved me to take a job as a stripper (long story about how it came to that!) so that Snuffy and I could quickly move to California, where I have family and where I thought we'd be happier. Needless to say, as soon as I started to engage in my secret profession (I told Snuffy, as well as all of my family and friends that I was ****tail waitressing- I was working as a part-time nanny on the side), my relationship with Snuffy began to fall apart, as only a relationship built on lies could do. I became extremely lonely, as I had isolated myself from everyone by living a secret life. I finally realized that I wasn't in love with Snuffy (I always knew it inside, though I cared about him), and eventually met a man at the club who I found I was attracted to both sexually and mentally, whereas I had never really been attracted to Snuffy in *that way.* This man I met merely served as a wake-up call in terms of discovering my sexuality and what I needed. I realized that I was not where I should be, and I quit working at the club. I returned to normalcy after breaking it off with Snuffy and working as a mental health counselor in a hospital... and I entered a new chapter in my life with confidence, optimism, and strength. Many months down the line I met Kermit, who I fell deeply in love with. We both felt that we were made for each other. I did not tell him about the dark time in my past because I was ashamed and remorseful for it... I wanted to bury it. However, 8 months later he found my secret tucked away in my emails, including a flirtatious correspondence I had with the man I met at the club (while I was still with Snuffy), and he terminated our relationship immediately in a state of shock, rage and pain. :throw:
I wanted to kill myself. I knew this was Karma, and that I had lost the love of my life because I had chosen to be selfish, dishonest, and as Kermit saw it, I degraded myself. Not only was he disgusted that I had been a dancer, he lost all trust in me because I kept the secret from him, and I had also cheated Snuffy, so why wouldn't I cheat him?
:jerry: I know, I know... it's bizarre and ridiculous.
It has been four months since then, and the pain has been excruciating. However, I wrote to Kermit everyday, pouring my heart out, pleading and explaining, and he would write back, saying, "obviously I'm still in love with you, but I don't know if I can trust you, you're not who I thought you were." through my pain, I found myself become more spiritually connected and centered , as I prayed everyday, engaged in meditation and exercise and continued to write and assure him that I am light years beyond where I was, that I love him, and that I would do anything to show him that he can trust me. Two months later, he called me and said that despite everything, his love for me was not fading, and that he knew I was the one for him. He just wanted me to show him I can live a good and respectful life. Soon after, he showed up at my house, and we ended up having a passionate lovemaking experience that I will never, ever forget. :kiss2:
Since that day, we have been repairing our relationship. He has gone to LA for the summer to pursue a music production internship, and the distance has only proved to strengthen our bond, and we miss each other intensely. We have both grown from this, and even though I have fallen off the pedestal, his knowledge of my past and my humanity has brought us closer then ever before, and we are learning to communicate with one another and deal with issues in a mature and loving fashion. Needless to say, with faith, love, humility and an ongoing display of trustworthiness, I have managed to save myself from losing the love of my life, and though there is still more repair work to be done, we both know we are going to make it through. He assures me that I'm the only one for him, and that he loves me more than anything, and I feel exactly the same way about him.
On Wednesday morning I am flying out to CA to visit family for two days, and then I'll be spending five glorious days with Kermit in LA. We are both extremely excited. :yay:
I just wanted to let you all know that I learned and grew from this painful experience, and I will never forget the support and advice I received from so many of you. It was flabbergasting to receive so much support and input, and each of you impacted my situation by instilling faith and optimism in my attitude. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. :bighug:
Time + perseverance + hope + love + FAITH and BELIEF= Success!