advise for confused girl

Hi people, it is my first time using this page.
I am 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 15 years older than me. I have knew him for 3 years already. we started as friends, and yeah, our feelings for each other grow. I am a shy girl and I am not used to the age gap between us, in fact it sort of disturbed me now and then. I will always think like : what would people think? will people think I am abnormal or something, going with older guys? btw, my boyfriend is a caucasian, and I am an asian, so when we go out together, people might tend to notice us. it just feels like I am doing something abnormal from what they are doing. do you people think 15 years age gap is weird?
Well back to our relationship......I have knew my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and I think he is really a great guy. He is very sensitive to my feelings, is willing to go the extra mile just to make me happy and blessed, cares for me a hell lot ( more than I care for myself ), and he is very romantic, a typical new age sensitive guy, the guy I talk to everytime I have problems we talk on the phone at least 2 times every night. Just imagine, when I told him I want to go to UK to study, the very next thing he did was to research on every single university in UK, help me contact banks to loan my studies in UK, just everything to ensure my wellbeing there... That is just part of the great things he has done for me when I never even ask him to do so. Sometimes he is just too kind to me, that I feel so guilty that I never do the same to him.
And now comes the problem, for your information, my current boyfriend is the first guy I have ever had serious relationship with. And I would say he is very willing to promise me happiness if we continue our relationship in the long term. But lately, I was asking myself, he is just the first guy I know, maybe there are better guys out there I should try for myself and see whether they are better guys than my current boyfriend. I may sound like a **** here.... But sometimes I have this idea that, if I get tied down with my current boyfriend now for the rest of my life, it just feels like I may have miss better chances for me. But at the same time, what if I break up with my boyfriend and try relationships with other guys, and I realised that my first boyfriend is the actual mr right, wouldn't it be too late? Why should I spoil something that could turn out to be my happiness?
Lately, I was asking myself whether I love my boyfriend, well, the feeling was pretty numb, I did not feel the instant passion that I had when we knew each other initially.But when I thought of losing him, the very idea scares me a lot. I actually cried and got very sick of the idea of him not in my life anymore. Does it mean I don't love him anymore? if I don't love him, why did I cry? what is the meaning of love anyway?
I am very confused. I don't want to feel weird about this age gap( sometimes I think I am finding excuses to break this relationship because others might frown upon on our age gap ) I want to feel that I have made the right choice with the right man before I commit to him. What should I do? should I break up and try other relationships which could be better, or may be worse or should I give our relationship another try and let it blossom? I don't want to break my boyfriend's heart by hurting him too when he has been so kind to me. I think he is a very nice guy for me to let go like that, but how do I know he is mr right when I haven't experiment my relationships with other guys? but when I have realised what I've lost will it be too late? Is it fair for me to ask him to wait for me?

Oh poor dear...you have a tough choice ahead of you. I not only understand, I empathize...

Mayjane...you have a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too...or rather, wanting to try different kinds of cake and still have your cake waiting on the side.

In a perfect fantasy world--you could go out, date other people, explore other relationships, find yourself, and still have this nice man waiting on the side if things don't work out. You could find something better--but hey, if you don't, you can always go back to him right?

Well...its possible. Maybe even probable that you found a perfect guy who will wait--while you explore your options and get to know yourself.

But I believe your question is less about him and more about you...if you are 20 and have known him 3 years, you were 17 when you met, correct? AND he's your first serious relationship? Bad set-up. You haven't had enough time or experience to know if he is THE ONE, you know, the forever sort. Few people in your circumstances would be ready to settle down--no matter how nice he is. And since you are having these questions and doubts, you may be realizing that you are not ready. Its understandable.

However, if you take the time you need--and you do need to take some time, in my opinion--if it doesn't happen now, your unhappiness and uncertainty may grow until it happens later in a much less pleasant way. IF you decide to take this time, you cannot ask for him, or expect him, to wait. He will do what's best for him. He may wait. He may not. This is the chance you take--but like I said, I think if you do not take YOUR time now you will take it later--causing much more hurt than necessary.

You cannot avoid hurting him, unfortunately. I know you don't want to hurt him--been there myself, in the unfortunate position of being the one ready to move on. It doesn't feel good. The only way to do this, and do it right, is through absolute honesty. You must tell him exactly how you feel, and exactly why you need to do it. You must also let him know that you do not expect him to wait on the sidelines...he is free to do what is best for him. As you do what is best for you.

Who knows...maybe you will find that its a brutal world out there on the singles scene (and I can tell you that's true too but you won't know it till you've done it.) Maybe he will have enough patience and love to wait. Maybe you will set your doubts to rest and see that he is the one for you...

Whatever happens, know you are strong enough to get through it. And so is he.

All of the above is EXACTLY how I feel about your situation (larasteele and I tend to have the same feelings about these things). Both of us have been in tough to choose situations. Heck, I think sometimes we still are...but she's right...DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!!! Don't allow yourself to be doomed to unhappiness.

I am also going to touch on the subject of age and race. With race...I don't think that is a big of a deal. Asian and Caucasian relationships don't get as many looks as African American and Caucasian....even still our society is warming up to inter racial dating. Same with age! The way I feel about it is YOUR the one waking up and living this life. If YOU are unhappy than only YOU can fix it. Other people shouldn't weigh you decision. Follow your heart and not society.

Best of love to you!!
~EMCAD80

I talked to my boyfriend about it in absolute honesty last night. Well, he couldn't believe his ears at all. He was like ' Do you want to try out few other guys first and see whether they are good, or better, and if they are better, you continue with them, if they are not, you come back to me....' He said he couldn't believe I came out with such a proposition because it is not only extremely unfair to him, but also very unfair to other guys. At the same time, he express his fear that it has always been his nightmare to see another guy kissing me, holding hands with me and having sexual relationship with me. Is he too protective? or is it every guy's instinct to protect their girlfriends?
For me, I was very numb the whole night when I told him that. I just feel like some evil queen wounding my boyfriend again and again. At one point, he even broke into tears when he said that he couldn't bear the idea of losing me, and what he could only do was hoping, praying, waiting for me to come back ( if I find other guys not as good as him )......I really feel very bad with myself. I admit it is very selfish of me and ridiculous to do that.
Dear people, do you think I am giving up my happiness for an uncertainty? My boyfriend is a superb guy. But what is the point of having a boyfriend who is so great when you do not have the passionate and sparks between each other. Can I learn to love him myself, and not love him because he loves me? I admit as I am going to university, I may get to opportunity to meet interesting guys, and this idea has made me feel very insecure. When I told my boyfriend this, he said he could feel that it is the beginning of an end. I feel so scared. I don't want to lose my boyfriend and at the same time I don't know whether I want him or not. I am becoming very confused and everytime I think of this, I get suffocated.

You need time to YOURSELF not test it out with other guys......The age thing y ou are just labeling... who cares about the age..... I am 27 turning 28 in may and my fiance is 44 turning 45 in June so does that make me wierd???

You may not love him but it seems to me that you are letting the age thing consume you.... If you can't get over it then this type of relationship isn't for you ..... I lost my boyfriend when i was 23 to a motor cycle accident when he was 25 so Time goes fast and can end anytime...... so Live life for today not 30 years from now.........

Just do some thinking the answer will come to you.... but don't resort to other men to make this decision.... you need to get by on your own then decide....

MEr

Originally posted by Mayjane I don't know whether I want him or not. I am becoming very confused and everytime I think of this, I get suffocated. [/B]

Wow. At least you were honest with him. As far as him being concerned over seeing other men kiss you or you getting involved in a sexual relationship with another man, I can't blame him. That's not "over-protectiveness" - that's care, concern and certainly a blow to his ego. It has to hurt him to have someone he has cared about and been so kind to to talk to him that way. Reverse the situation and pretend that you cared about him as much as he cares about you. Can you imagine him making love to another woman? Even less than that, can you imagine him being so accomodating and kind to another woman; holding her hand, being so sweet to her? How would that make you feel. I know nothing about your life other than what you've written on the board, but I have and idea that your current beau was more than a little hurt.

Now, back to YOU. This guy obviously cares a great deal for you, but he also seems like a really nice man from what you've described. It's great that you are questioning yourself. That's one of the treacheries of age gap relationships - sometimes, the partner (younger or older) go through a period of growth while the other is staying thier same-old-same-old self. The problem is, some people are willing to stand around and get treated like crap during one of these growing phases and some are not. I, personally, love my OM to peices, but would not stand by while he went out and "test drove" other women. But that's me. Your man may be perfectly willing to hang out while you go and find yourself, but that's a shame. If he is as nice as you say he is and hangs out while you go on a dating binge, he could miss the opportunity to be with someone who is more certain of themselves and could love him better than you could.

I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings or upset you. It's just my humble two cents. But if you are going to be self focused, then do so to get to know yourself, not necessarily get to know other guys. I have a feeling that if you knew yourself a little better, you wouldn't be in this sticky wicket.

Good luck with your studies and good luck with love,
Happy

Maybe what I said didn't make as much sense as I thought...dear girl, I agree with MerAlove. This question is not so much about him, or him and you together, as it is about YOU. Take him out of the equation...don't think about him for a second...think about yourself, what you need. What I'm seeing is that you need time to grow, time to get to know yourself, time to just become the person you are well on the way to becoming.

Yes, it sucks to have to "break someone's heart." But it will happen now--cleanly and honestly--or it will happen later, with deceit and hurtfullness and much more pain.

You need to make a clean break. He needs to not "wait around" for you. You need to take this time, for yourself...if having other relationships comes into the picture, well and good, but "exploring other guys" isn't the objective.

Exploring yourself is the objective.

As usual, laurasteele has hit the bull's eye.

I just re-read my post and it sounded a little...ummm..harsh. I didn't mean for it to, I was just in a hurry and while I stand my my two cents, I would like to retract the "tone" of the post!

;)

Happy4Me...What you said has a good point as well...about Mayjane putting herself into her guy's shoes...

Mayjane, if you can see Happy's point...about how upsetting it would be to see your guy, a guy you loved deeply, "trying others" then maybe you can also see why its unfair to expect or ask him to wait. Be SELFISH in accepting that your needs and his aren't compatable; be SELFLESS and let him go completely, no strings attached...as scary as that may be.

That's a lot to take in....but well put and I'm sure it was needed. Sometimes harsh truths are the best. The reason why it is so important to find YOU is because your decisions will be based on another person if you were to jump into dating someone new. So instead of making rash and hasty choices that would usually need some serious thought, take the time for you...find you. Make a standard....what qualities do you want in a SO? What don't you want? Then based on your time to find yourself, if you happen to find that someone who meets your standards...the go for it.

I must agree that asking your boyfriend to wait is not a good idea. Although it is a very nice gesture on his part to want to wait, you DO have to put yourself in his shoes. Would you wait for him?

It's really hard to give advice in such a sensative area, that's why we are all suggesting the 'find yourself' time. So YOU can figure out what you want, because ultimately, we can't give you the answers. Advice...yes, but you may or may not take it and do what you want to do anyway. With that note, if you take your 'alone time' the choices will be easier.

I hope that makes sense, it did in my head :D

All the best

~EMCAD80

I will give you my opinion from a man's point of you. First, I agree with everyone that age and racial backgrounds don't really matter much nowadays, the question is whether you really love him or not.
From what you say, it doesn't sound like true love to me.
If you love him, you don't even think about possibly missing out on a better prospect or experiencing other men while he waits for you to decide if he's "the one" or not.
I think you're somewhat infatuated with him and like his maturity and consideration, but lack the passion. He's a human being and not something that you buy at a mall and take back if you find a better product.
Loving someone means you don't even think about anyone else existing, or finding someone better.
As a man, I can see his point also. I would go crazy thinking of someone I love in the arms of another man, it would destroy me.
I might be old-fashioned, but I would let you go and not wait for you to have your "experiences" and then decide who's better.
It's clear that he truly loves you, but I can see problems in the future and I think it would be for the best if you moved on.
Dating him casually wouldn't work because he would get jealous and hurt.
I think the best relationships are when both parties feel equally about one another. If one loves the other, say 75%, and his/her partner 25%, it will never work.
I don't think you're ready for a commitment and should just have fun till the "right" one comes along.
I think you will know when that is because you won't have the doubts that you have now, you won't even think rationally. All you'll want to do is spend time with him and nobody else.
Anyway, sorry for being honest. AL

Don't be sorry! Honesty is what is needed here. And I especially thank you for giving your perspective. We need more male input on our forums. Yes, we ladies do give some great advice...but sometimes a man's point of view is greatly needed. Please don't be a stranger!!! :D

Hi, EMCAD, (God you're gorgeous!!!!!), well, I guess I will try to put my 2 cents' worth once in a while, if nothing else to give it a little more balance. I enjoy the role of elder statesman now, I'm 49, and dispense advice left and right.
I wish I was this wise when I was younger, but I made many mistakes in the past.
I was married at 18 1/2 because my ex was pregnant. I hardly even knew her but she got pregnant and I felt I had to do the "right" thing and marry her.
Needless to say, it was a disaster and we had 3 daughters all together. We lasted 7 years, 6 more than we should have, and I still have scars, many years later.
Now, I take love very seriously and if I'm involved with someone I dedicate my whole life to it.
It's like no matter how old one gets, hope springs eternal and our search for happiness never ends. Al.

Al

We like hearing your 2 cents. It's a blast and EM is right. Honesty is a GOOD thing. Sorry to hear about your past marriage, but I'm sure you recognize how much stronger struggle can make us all! (God knows that's what it's done for me!)

P.S. "SHE" got preganant...all by herself? (joking) I think you mean "WE" got pregnant. Men go through it too!!!!! ;)


He he he.

Happy

Thanks :)

A balance is truly what this side of our site needs. I frequently visit the YM/OW side and the guys over there are so responsive. It's always nice to have the male insight. Are you in a May/December relationship (I am assuming so) :)

I'm glad your heart has found happiness after years of doing the 'right thing'

Keep Smiling

~EMCAD80

Well, I don't consider myself "December" yet, more like "October".
Actually, I think I'm in better shape than I've been in years as I like to ride my bike every day, and play soccer occasionally. I haven't began to shrink yet, (I'm only 5'6" as it is), and I still have all my original organs.
Unfortunately, I'm not currently in a May-October relationship, (or whatever months), but I was for a year. It was the happiest I had been in ages and I felt I had more in common with her than I ever had with anyone. She went to college here but now she's back home, far away.
It was tough to let her go and I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling so strongly about someone so much younger than me. I'm glad I found this place and know that I'm not alone.
To Happy. Yeah, it sounds strange saying she "got" pregnant, like I had nothing to do with it. Even though we didn't get along, we proceeded to have two more kids, so I guess we made love at least three times during our marriage. AL.

thanks for your reply, I really appreciate your opinions there. I really admit this whole thing has nothing to do with my boyfriend or us, but me. I was trying to put myself in his shoes that day, and I could only think of myself as some sort of ****, trying around with guys, and testing them, I really feel ashamed of my behaviour, I am surprised my boyfriend didn't even sound angry when I told him that, just very disappointed and sad, I think he really used a lot of patience and tolerance to put up with me. That night when I told him that thing, he couldn't sleep the whole night you know, because he had to spend the whole night thinking about us...........
I was talking to my close friend about our situation, I told him how my bf is, and my situation. Well, my friend's verdict? He said I am a very sick person. and when my bf has treated me so well, I just take him for granted and use his love for my own benefit. And when things start to get boring, I venture out for new sizzles and sparkles. He ask me to have my own space to think of what I want, and also my attitude when it comes to love........I think my friend could be right
hey. I've got to go now, bye bye. keep in touch later

Yeah, it sounds strange saying she "got" pregnant, like I had nothing to do with it. Even though we didn't get along, we proceeded to have two more kids, so I guess we made love at least three times during our marriage. AL. [/B]

BWAH HA HA HA! You know, one of my brother's and I were CONVINCED that our parents made love only four times! And it must have been for a special occasion because both of my brothers were born in November and my sister and I were both born in May. I'm not kidding. I SWEAR.

As far as you feeling like an October - :p - that's what my man says. He's like "LOOK! I feel as if I'm in the spring of my life, not the winter..." (He cracks me up.)

And there is nothing wrong with you falling in love with someone a decade (or in my & my OM's case two) younger than you. There are some young women out there, as you can plainly see by the members of this board, who have wonderful, long lasting relationships with their OMs.

My OM (I'm just going to start calling him "B", guys o.k.? Someone once posted how insulting OM was and at first it didn't bother me, but now I'm kinda like....I dunno) anyway..."B" dated a ton of women after his divorce from ages 35 on up to his age (fifties). He had put limitations on age...silly man. Then he met ME!:D And he swears he couldn't help it. He says he KNEW I was his soul mate and we were already very good friends. If I was good enough, mature enough to be his equal in the field of friendship, then why wouldn't I be his equal in a love relationship???

You can love anyone who is ready to accept your love and friendship. Just because some of us are 19 or in our 20's doesn't mean that we can't have meaningful adult relationships. There's NOTHING wrong with ya!
;)

All the best,
Happy

Hi happy. Ok, here's my story.
I moved to Florida a little over a year ago from the New England area and the very first day I met Gretchen. She lived in the appartment above me and was 22, I was 48.
She was from the same state I was from, (Rhode Island), and so we had something to talk about right from the start. As a college student and part-time worker, she was pretty busy so at first I didn't see her that often. But she'd stop by to say hello and would hang around a while.
I found myself enjoying her little visits more and more and stopped going out so that I would be home for her. I guess we were both a little lonely for being away from home, but we had a good time together. We found that we enjoyed some of the same things, liked the same movies, even music, (60s, classic rock).
Soon, we began going out to dinner, the beach, even to Disney World. I considered my self sort of a mentor to her, a friend and father figure, but when she wasn't with me I found myself missing her tremendously. I had many conflicting feelings about her, and tried to resist my urges to kiss her or hug her. We did kiss, but always as friends.
I even suggested that she'd start seeing guys closer to her age, that, while I enjoyed her company, she was spending too much time with me. She said that she found some of her fellow students boring and much rather be with me. Even so, I never showed her my true emotions for fear of losing her as a friend, in case she didn't feel the same as me.
When spring break came, we were inseparable. We'd spend all day together. She loved to swim and we'd spend many hours at Clearwater Beach, go out in the evening, or sometime she'd cook dinner for me and we stayed in.
One night, we were sipping wine on the couch and got a little high. Normally I'm a chicken and I don't drink much, but I felt pretty bold that night and told her that if we were closer in age she'd be ideal for me and that I had grown to love her, even though I knew it was an impossible situation.
To my surprise, she told me that she too had fallen in love with me, and that night she didn't go back upstairs, but stayed with me. We became an "item" and I was on cloud nine, (why do they say that? Wouldn't cloud 10 be better?).
Anyway, we went on for a few months, probably the best of my life. Later, her parents came down and I was introduced as the friendly neighbor. They told me of their plans for her, of their hopes and dreams once she graduated. I had to agree, deep down, that her life was just beginning and that she deserved to have a chance to fulfill her destiny.
She stayed till fall but eventually a job opportunity arose back home and I told her to take it. It was sad to let her go, and we still email occasionally, (though not as often as we used to), but I will never forget her and will always be grateful that she came into my life. Sorry for being so mushy, AL.

Mushball.

Just kiddin'. Actually, your story is very sweet and it says a lot about you knowing that you let her go and do what she needed to do. And look at it this way, with the exeption of you missing her and having your heart broken, it WAS a wonderful experience, right? It was fun, right?

Well, in any case you made a friend and shared some good times and fun! Sorry your experience ended the way it did, but give yourself a chance once you heal from this. There are some YW out there who have a lot of life experience and are ahead on the growth curve. Ha ha ha.

Good luck!
Happy

Thanks, Happy. Actually I have no regrets and wouldn't change anything. It was awesome while it lasted but I knew that it would end some day. I'm not sad, either, but I do feel a little nostalgic at times.
I don't know what's happening to me, though. As an italian man who's favorite movies are "The Godfather I and II", I now find my self choking up while watching "Sleepless in Seattle". I used to hate that movie!!!!!!!:eek:
Anyway, it's time to get off my butt and do something constructive, but it was nice "chatting" with you.
By the way, I'm having pizza for lunch today. Ciao, AL.

I love your story. It truly is sweet!! I'm glad that you have moved on with your life - and it's ok to be mushy!

I agree with happy, why do we ladies have to call our boyfriend om???? It sounds like they are sugar daddies or something. The truth is, they are not old at all! the age gap might be big, but the age is just something on the paper, their attitude and behaviour are not considered as 'old'. Well, if their thinking is really like old people in the first place, we wouldn't get along with them so well right? we wouldn't find so much in common between us rite? it shows that compare to other men of their age, they are more youthful than their contemporaries. so, for me I would rather use bf rather than OM

Hi Maryjane.

(Just a little back ground) There was a post a while back. Someone was thought "OM" was really insulting to our wonderful S/O's. At first, I was like "Hmmm, well, it's really no biggie! Just a descriptive term that let's everyone know that we are in a YW/OM relationship..." and it really never bothered me! But for some reason, suddenly, I'm like "I don't wamt to call him that any more!"
He's not my OM, he's my YaHM! (Young at Heart Man.)

Ha ha ha!

Love,
Happy

Yeah! Good term!

It never bothered me either, till I noticed that it was kind of insulting. He hates the age gap...so I'm feeding to his discontent by posting OM! I'm sure that makes him feel his age. So I usually say SO, my honey or D. I'm starting to avoid posting OM....I love YAHM though :)