Me 42, Him 28 - Scared and Confused

I'm a new member from TN. As I said in the subject I'm about to be 42 and the younger man in my life is 28. We aren't together right now, in fact we've never been "romantically" involved. We met 2 years ago and he pursued me pretty hard but I was coming out of a bad relationship and didn't seriously consider him because of his age. We became best friends instead.

I ended up beginning a relationship with a man my age and decided to move to Florida with him and give it a go. After the move was done and things settled down I began to miss my YM terribly and realize that the man I was involved with was not who I thought he was. While I was gone "YM" went back with an old girlfriend for a few months. I spoke with him about it a few times but secretly hated her guts. I was glad when it ended again.

The "wrong" man and I moved back to TN and my friendship with my YM resumed. About 3 months ago I told him that I had realized I'm in love with him. He said that he was in love with me and when I moved away it devastated him (he had even told him parents about me!) but that he believes our time has passed. I accepted that and told him that no matter what I wanted our friendship to endure and that I could put my feelings aside. Since then we've been as close as ever and I know more than ever that we need to give this thing a chance. I really believe we belong together.

The relationship with "wrong" man is at an end but we have to continue sharing a house until November. I need to wait until after that to bring this back up with YM but everytime I'm with him it's all I can do to keep from touching him or telling him how much I care. We dance around each other, flirting and half-heartedly propositioning each other. He said in November, if I need a place to stay for awhile, I can stay with him but he warned me that he will be very tempted and it might be better if I stayed with another friend of mine. When I pressed him for an explaination he said it was just because he had been single for a while but I saw the look on his face when he said it. He meant it.

We spend a lot of our time together. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel beautiful and strong and I don't think I can hold my feelings back any longer. What if I'm just dreaming and the opportunity really has passed? I don't want to make a fool of myself and I especially don't want to lose his friendship!

So that's my long, silly story. I'm in love with a man that used to be in love with me that I turned down but now I want him and he says he doesn't want me. :confused:

I would wait until you're completely out of the relationship/house/etc/ with wrong man, but do not move in with YM immediately. Needing free/cheap housing is not the way to start a relationship. Once you can honestly say you're free of wrongman, approach YM and 'start to date'. It sounds like he was really hurt when you left town, and it sounds like he's insecure about starting something up because he's afraid of losing you again. Tell him that you'd like to start over, and try again. But do so neutrally - but not living together. You might throw sex into it immediately in that case, which tends to make the relationship about the sex and not about the emotional closeness.

-mplskan

Mplskan is completely right.
First sort out your life, then see how it goes with him.
It is safer if both of you have your own home base so to say.
With that other guy you also moved together too quickly if I understood that correctly.

Good luck and welcome here! :)

I suspect he was very hurt when you rejected him and moved away. Women don't seem to realize it, but most guys take rejection by somebody they're interested in very personally and tend to try to avoid having it happen again at all costs. But from the way you interact, it sounds like he still finds you very attractive, still enjoys being with you, and might not be totally averse to trying to build a relationship if he was very sure that he wasn't going to end up being rejected again. But making him feel like you're moving in with him because you need a place to live is NOT the way to make him feel like you're interested in HIM for HIMSELF, rather than a roof over your head.

It sounds like his "that's in the past" idea is pretty strong, but I'm very happy that I finally got over my absolute principle about never dating anybody who worked for the same employer I did (even though we didn't work in the same office and really hadn't even met at work). And although I always had the same attitude he seems to about not trying to go back to a relationship once it's over, that kind of "rule," like the one about never dating somebody who worked for the same employer, is really one that's made to be broken.

I have to say I agree with Earl..I think he was hurt when he was rejected.
If this is over with your ex, find a place you can move and soon before this younger man gets snatched up. It is obvious HE likes you, has feelings and you do to..HOWEVER you can't start it until you release the baggage of the ex..
Dont be scared..it sounds like it would be a great relationship..but dont wait to long

I don't think your moment has passed. He was hurt when you moved away which is understandable, when you are in love with someone you don't want them to move to be with someone else. It sounds like he deffintly does still have feelings and now you do as well.

I'd say let what ever happens happen. He wants it he just isn't sure how to go about it and you want it as well. If in November if you have no where else to go then take him up on his offer.

Feelings like this just don't go away over night and I'm sure his feelings have not gone away, and from how close you both are and how much time and flirting you are doing it sounds like those feelings are only growing.

Thanks for the great replies. I'm not going to move in with him in November. I know that would be a bad idea. I have a couple of other alternatives that will work better till I get myself straightened out. I just thought what he said about being roommates was very interesting. It gave me chills when he said he would be so tempted. The look in his beautiful blue eyes was so intense that I couldn't look away.

The good news is that we talked Sunday afternoon and we agreed when my current mess is cleaned up we're going to explore the relationship. Nothing until then tho which I agreed was the best thing. He doesn't want to do anything while I'm still sharing a home with "wrong man" even tho we ended the relationship about a month ago. YM (DJ) brought up so many concerns during this talk that I realized more than ever how seriously he's considered all this. He wants to move slowly and I told him that if at any time either of us felt it wasn't right we would talk about it and stop if that's what's best. His main fear is losing me and our friendship all together. Whatta ya know? Same as my fear.

It was a good talk and I feel so much better. I wasn't imagining it after all! :)

I'm a little confused but also think I might be over-reacting.

I haven't seen my YM since Sunday. I talked to him once and it was a short conversation. Wednesday is a night that we have dinner with a group we're both active in and he's usually there but not last night. Sent him a text message "No dinner tonight?" and got no response.

I usually talk to him everyday or at least every other day. I feel like something is wrong but I don't want to over-react about it. I'm just worried that he thought about the talk we had on Sunday and has gotten a little freaked out. I have to admit that I've gotten a little freaked out myself.

He admitted on Sunday that New Years eve of 2006 he wanted to tell me how he felt and ask if we could try a relationship. We went to a party at a friends house and he offered to drive. He never said and I didn't realize it might have been a "date" in his mind. Sadly, since I was unaware of YM's plan, the man I ended up moving to Florida with called me at midnight and basically beat him to the punch by telling me how much HE cared about me. Of course, stupidly, I told YM about it as he drove me home. He never said a word, never acted hurt or anything. Now I know that it devastated him.

Looking back on the time we spent together now I can see how many times I probably hurt him because I didn't take his feelings for me seriously. I feel so stupid! How could I not have seen it? How could I have ignored my own feelings for him because of the age difference? I'm a stupid, stupid woman and I probably don't deserve another chance. I'm stunned by his strength because he never said a word, never acted hurt and actually helped me when I moved to Florida. Now that I see the whole picture I wonder how he's ever going to trust me again and if we really can give this thing a chance.

Maybe I'm just freaking out. I really hate that I feel like the dynamics of our relationship changed when we had that talk Sunday. Normally I would call and say "Hey, what's up? Haven't heard from you." but now I feel like I shouldn't do that. Now I feel like I need to give him some space and let him call me but that's hard to do, he's one of my closest friends. I enjoy talking to him daily and sharing what's going on in our lives. I hate that it might have changed because I couldn't leave things alone.