he's come and now he's gone......

2 1/2 weeks of fun, adventure, hanging out, talking and being in love together in the same place!!! Now I sit here feeling both sad and happy. Crying every now and then because I miss him and want him close by and because of the unsurety of the future and happy because we have this incredibly deep love we share and we've been able to spend these past couple of weeks together.

Lots to process yet again and I need to talk so this is going to be long. We are continuing in our relationship and as an LDR for now. We have talked of the future and possibilities/options. We talked about him possibly wanting children in the sometime future...(his grandmother spoke with him about that when he told her about me...she's the only one in his family that he's told about 'us'). and he talked about how our age gap is okay right now...he's never ever found it to be an issue, but that now he's been thinking about it some more and he's not sure that in 10 years he will feel that it's still okay when I'll be 59 and he'll be 36 saying that that will feel like too much of an age gap. We talked of some of the age gap related issues/challenges we face--his family's and culture's lack of acceptance, taking risks versus focusing on security (though I've never been more ready to take a huge jump into the unknown!!) the fact that he's got lots of years ahead so he can take his time while for me, time is a more pressing issue (this plays into how I am feeling so ready to have a live-together relationship and yes, do feel in some ways the pressure of time running out vs he feels he needs to get his career/finances/life under way/established before he can jump into living together..feeling that he has time for that in the future). He said that he had had the thought recently "why couldn't she have been 15 years younger" when he was reflecting on our meeting and falling in love and how perfect of a partner I am for him. I've had the same thought (or him 15 yrs older) .

We've questioned whether we should continue to invest our love if we dont' think that in 5 or more years we'll be together but then we always come back to how much we feel connected and good with each other and that age doesn't matter and we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. He's not a superficial kind of person at all and I know he really loves me and I know I really love him. Even though we sometimes dont' connect about things or we misunderstand each other..but that's par for any relationship so I'm not worried about that though I have had questions about his lack of self awareness at times and would that be different with someone with more life experience??

He wants to continue but he's asking me to wait for him...he finishes his degree this month and then he needs to get a job and earn/save $$. He thinks it's best for him to live with his parents for likely another year til he gets himself established....so for now though I am ready to move there and live with him, he's not. (And he doesn't want to live with me supporting him (instead of his parents) until he gets himself established--I've offered that option). It's so crazy because when he was ready to live wtih me, I wasn't ready to make that decision, then when I'm ready, he's not. We wonder if it's not in our destiny to be together and we've asked ourselves if we are just avoiding the inevitable because it would hurt so much to break it off now...we really do care for each other and want to be together but there's all this other stuff that seems to make it seem impossible. And I start thinking...well what will it be like in one year...we won't be able to see each other again for another 5-6 months ... I can go down to Mexico in January and then it will be another 5 or so monts from then maybe less. I get worried that the age gap issue will become more prominent though he assures me it's not an issue right now (or ever was for him, only when he thinks about the future and a family).

he told me I will always be in his heart...even if we end the relationship and he or I meet someone else, even if he marries someone and has a family he said that they would have to accept that part of his heart is for me and if they don't then he won't be able to be with them. I feel the same way...it's like we are in each other's souls or something. It's so very deep. I love him in the way that I want what is the very best for him..and if that means a life without me then I would give him that and he feels the same way about me.

Though there are tears, I AM happy, incredibly happy in fact and so is he. but it's also really hard . Being apart is really hard though I am willing to do so for a bit longer, maybe even a whole year. We'll know more when he finds out about his job options over the next month.

Thanks for listening. I have more to share and ask but I'll post later and likely in the relationship support area.

sigh.....why does love have to be so hard sometimes!!!!?????:confused:

mariposa I am so glad it well so well... Your writing read so well, so full of love, but then so full of questions... And so few answers!

Do some soul searching... May the light guide you!

:bighug:

I know all these feelings far too well. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to make it easier. I could give you my answer to every single one of you concerns, but you need to find your own answers. I guess the one piece of advice I can give is to try not to look ahead so much. Its sort of a futile exercise...you could spend every single waking moment thinking this through and still end up very wrong. Stick with what is known...you love him!! So for now, you are right where you should be. :yes:

thanks tallblondcute and rozie...your words warm my heart and ease my sadness. It's so true...I just need to focus on what's known and closest at hand and that's the love we share and that we still want to be together even if we're apart for months at a time. Time will tell how things develop. I know I need to focus on my vision and what I want as well as what he wants...my friend said an interesting thing today. She thinks that men focus easily on their future and their plans without thinking as much as women do about the other person, i.e, that women easily give to what men want (this isn't meant in a negative way in this context but rather just our biological nature perhaps.. men hunt, women gather and care for the children) so she cautioned me to really think on what I want and not just go with what he wants in that for him, in his thinking about the future, it's not such a big deal to wait a year or to end the relationship if after 5 years it doesn't feel right--he'll only be 31 and has 50+ more years to explore relationships, have a family etc. Whereas I only have 20-30 more years and the latter of those years are not in the 'prime' of my life (physically speaking...of course I know and believe we can live full and well in our 70 -80's but hey, ;et's face it I won't have the same spunk I do now to go out dancing all night or carry a canoe on my shoulders for e.g. and believe me I am all about living the rest of my life in good heatlh and physical strength and agility, so I say this with that at the forefront of my beliefs about aging!)

Anyway...life is full and that's what I want so yeeehaaa onward we go!!

oh I forgot to add this to what I was saying about what my friend was saying to me...

she cautioned me to really think on what I want and not just go with what he wants in that for him, in his thinking about the future, it's not such a big deal to wait a year or to end the relationship if after 5 years it doesn't feel right--he'll only be 31 and will have 50+ more years to explore relationships, have a family etc. Whereas I only have 20-30 more years and the latter of those years are not in the 'prime' of my life (physically speaking...

so if I am saying I am ready to be in a relationship where we are together either living in the same place or living together, will I regret continuing on in this relationship waiting a year to see if we are going to live together and knowing it might end within the next 5 years??? but I think well but I love HIM right now and if we end it now because of the unknown future, will I regret NOT being with him this year and having spent the year alone (because there's no guarantee I'll find myself in another relationship this year!!!and besides I'm not even into pursuing that (other than with my man right now) so it's not like I'm out there trying to find a relationship)

I'm rambling...not sure if it's making sense....but she brought up some interesting points

I know I need to ease up on analyzing it all...keep it light, and trust that everything will come clear, just as it has up to now.

I agree with him that he should get some sort of financial stability before living together. The convenient part about living in the same city, is that while you wait for the financial stability, you can date, but with LDR, you do not have that option. :(

If this is meant to be, it will be. I do not think that I am the best advisor now because I am going through some problems of my own and I may be a bit pessimistic about things in general. :o

Having said this, big hug.

Hey sweetie. I remember these talks and then one day we said NO MORE TALKING ABOUT WHAT IF THIS OR THAT lol
So my suggestion to you both is stop discussing the what ifs and start living day to day enjoying each other. IF it is real strong love...those things will not matter. If he wants children and YOU want to do this for him; he needs to realize that you probably can't and think about adoption OR in-vitro.
We have discussed this as well and I have talked to my gynecologist. She said I am still going strong..BUT who knows what 2 or 3 years down the road will hold. SO We are going for it. If not the adoption. I have been wanting more kids FOREVER.

I remember thinking OH god do NOT fall for him DO NOT fall for him..what if you CANT give him a child will he be okay to adopt will he love me when I am old and wrinkled like a prune...will he love my body and so on
well as you can see I am EL chubby and he loves it all.

If you are willing to wait THEN do it..you know that Kai and I been apart for over a year now and waiting on the visa (6 to 9 month wait)
IF it is ALL worth it..you both will wait. Just remember that some YM can't handle it BUT SOME CAN!!

I will be praying for you both as I can see you love him and he loves you!!!

BIG HUGS!!
Meri

I think you are a few years younger than I am, and there is no one on the planet who worries more about aging than I do. So on this point, I am an expert!! Unless you have some major underlying health problems, 5 years when you are in your mid 40's to mid 50's is really nothing in terms of how you feel and operate physically. I completed menopause and outside of some annoying vaginal dryness, I really look and feel no different than I did when I met my YM. Now what is different in your case is that you have to be apart for such extended periods of time. (I think our longest break was about 2 1/2 months.) And, we haven't hit the five year mark as a couple. But geez, when we finally get together after not having seen each other, my advancing age is the furthest thing from his mind!!

I just recieved a scrapbook from my place of employment that spans more than a decade. I really have changed (I think) but overall there is something attidudinally (is that a word?) younger looking about me now (post divorce.) I'm interested in seeing what my YM thinks about the before pictures. I think he'll be surprized to realize that I really have developed some new wrinkles, but yes, I look better now than then. You think happiness might be a factor?

We had a discussion the other night about dowager humps. This really bothers me, because in my dancing (damned those mirrors) I can see my head starting to come forward and I think someone's back is a dead give away to their true age. I made some comment about my head "falling off my neck" and YM dissolved into a fit of laughter and then started in on how I had to hurry my butt to Florida, because he didn't want to miss this head falling off thing!!:happy0188:

He finds real humor in my paranoia. Not sure why I'm talking about myself here, except to commisurate. I know how scary this is. But with the right guy, even the scariest aspects of aging seem OK.

Hey Rozie... me too...I feel and look (even with more wrinkles and sagging skin) better than I did many years ago. I do believe it is the happiness and the love that we feel that does this.

Here's a different theorybased on a Mexican belief -- an OW takes the YM's youth from him for herself and he gets older as a result and he actually will live less years because of it. My bf told me this when we talked about the age gap issues in each of our cultures and that's what his mother likely thinks and also worries about...that I am with him to take his youth for myself!! He, of course, doesn't believe this but what an interesting / ??crazy view point.

And yes, when we are together...there's nothing about my age that gets in the way of us making beautiful and fun love together. I certainly haven't seen any evidence of a lack of interest as far as that goes!!!;)

That's really funny about the dowager hump and I am happy to hear how your YM reacts to your paranoias about aging. What a nice support that is. My man rolls his eyes and sighs when I say something about my aging...in a way that reassures me that he's not thinking the same. And when he caresses and kisses my arms, which he does a lot (and about which I feel self conscious because of the 'bat wings' I seem to have inherited from my mother!!) I feel so good and accepted and beautiful. My man's not super expressive when it comes to voicing his feelings ---he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful or pretty or that he loves the way I look. Well, now and then he does...he has commented on how good I look or that I look pretty today but it's not often. I'm okay with that...we talk about how actions are stronger and more meaningful than words and his actions speak loud and clear. And besides I need to feel beautiful about myself and not depend on his telling me that, if you know what I mean, to feel good about myself. (though I have to admit I think it's nice to hear it from your man). Anyway...he does speak his feelings now and then and when he does, wow he always blows me away with how perceptive, profound, articulate and meaningful he is. He seems to save it up for these moments. I'm usually left speechless.

I've come clear about what he's saying about where he's at and what he can do/not do right now:
1. he wants to continue in this committed relationship with me and wants us to see each other whenever we can
2. he can't live together right now and may not be able to for maybe up to a year, til he gets himself financially and work established
3. he can't commit to a long term relationship with me for numerous reasons which include he might want to have a family in the future and/or our age gap might become an issue in the far future


Other pther ideas and plans that may affect the above include
a. he wants to start a business and is inviting me to join him either in 50/50 partnership or as an advisor/consultant who may work for him in some capacity
b. since his visit here, he is open to moving to Canada to find work here

Now I need to become clear about what I want and can or cannot do right now and see if they match with his. #1 and 2-- I am okay with and on the same page. In fact I think it's really good that his priority is about getting himself independent financially and his career off the ground. The question is can I wait? Today, I think I can. I can't say about next week or next month.#3 is harder for me and where I need to spend some time to sort out how I feel about it. I think about how any relationship is unknown in how long it's going to last (people change, people die..anything can happen) but this is more like going into it knowing there's a terminal illness and in 5 years the person dies. I've already noticed how my heart wants to protect itself knowing this is a possiblity and though not all the time, it is closing a bit, not letting myself be fully open. So I ask myself if this is what it will be like to be with him..will I hold back because of the inevitable future heartbreak or can I open myself fully to this love for however long it lasts?

As far as #a and b go....it excites me to think about starting a business together...we're talking about a hostal or a B&B near the ocean, it's a dream I've had to live by the ocean and have a retreat centre of sorts so it's now figuring out if we're on the same page as to the kind of business. And then if we want to do it as partners or not. That isn't so hard to figure out.

Meri, yes if we can both wait, then it'll be fine. He's told me he doesn't want to hold me back in my life..because I've told him I'm ready and want to live with my partner and have that kind of relationship and he's not able to do that yet and that if decided to end it so I could find someone to do that with, he'd understand that. He said he wouldn't be looking for another relationship, he's busy getting his career and life organized and he's really happy to be with me. So sounds like he can wait. So far so can I.

As far as having another child, I don't think I could do that in 5 or 10 years when he might want to....so if it turns out he really wants children, then our relationship life span will likely be determined by that. So again, do we go ahead knowing that that might be the outcome?

I am doing my best to just stay in the day to day, but I do think it's important to think about the future as well. My moving to Mexico needs to be done with some planning about my work/income and what I want as well as what we do together. At the same time I find myself thinking, it's not such a life/death kind of situation. If things dont' work out, well, I'll figure it out. It's just that I want to do it wisely so I don't find myself broke and/or in debt if things don't work out, relationship or business wise. I have some savings but not a lot, not for someone my age and so I do have to be careful, just not paranoid. :)

|Okay enough yakking about it for today...thanks for your comments and your support. I wish you all the very best on this amazing journey of life we are on. What a ride!!!!

Shiela...I send you la buena vibra so you can find peace and clarity amidst the struggles you are in. I dont' have any words of advice to offer you amiga, just be open to where spirit wants you to be. A big hug to you.

well just know i am thinking about you and hoping it all works out...you deserve it..BIG HUGS

well just know i am thinking about you and hoping it all works out...you deserve it..BIG HUGS

thanks sweetie, you are very kind :rose: and I don't know how you've managed to do it, you and Kai, to be apart for so long!! Wow your love for each other must be so strong and so sure.