thegirlwantsto
04-01-2003, 11:56 PM
Has the age difference between you and your lover/spouse ever been an issue? And how did you address it?
I have known for a long time that it has been on my partner's mind, but I never thought that he believed our age gap would determine the longevity of my relationship with him. He believes that my love and time with him is finite. He does not believe in our growth as a couple and he "has come to accept it" as he told me the other day. He believes that we will grow further apart as we age, and that I should think about having a life with someone who is closer to my generation and at a similar time in their life.
No matter how much I tell him that his age is not an issue, he still admits to feeling guilty about being in love with someone who is so young; he feels as though he is "robbing the cradle." He is convinced that "when he is old and decrepit" I’ll want to leave him, or worse, stay with him out of pity. He tells me that I am in the Spring of my life while he is in the Autumn of his so why would I want to spend my youth with an "old man" like him, he says. Or people will look at us together and mistake him for my father. It is sad to hear that after several years of passion, magic, working through arguments, traveling the world and dreaming together, he has always had this shadow of guilt.
I wonder why he doubts my capacity to love him...does he think I am so shallow that I would discard him like an old slipper when his hair is all grey and he is no longer as agile as he used to be? I think his hopelessness is due to somewhat of a low image of himself. I can see it in his attitude toward life and the different people in it. He feels as though he does not deserve my love, that I wouldn’t want to give it to him when he is old and grey and I’ll eventually leave him. He even admits that he wishes I didn’t love him, that I would leave him to relive him of the guilt that he is robbing precious years from my youth. However, if I left him it would affirm his belief that may-december romances are impractical. I like his low confidence carries into being overly concerned about his image, i.e. being anxious about what other people may think when they see a young woman with an older man.
I know I am never short of complimenting him, telling him how handsome he is to me. I believe I am helpful and supportive of the things that interest him, like his woodworking and sailing. And I think I am understanding about his job demands, especially in the condition of the current economy. Even intimately, I have tried to show him, telling him that I just want to give him a night of pleasure and he can just relax without feeling the need to reciprocate. But he becomes annoyed with himself for not being to just sit back and enjoy because he feels the need to please me in turn. Some may look at the situation and mistake him for not really wanting to please me. I know he enjoys giving me pleasure. The conflict is in he doesn’t believe that I would forgo reciprocation. He thinks that while I am giving him pleasure, I’m secretly wishing that he would do the same and resenting him for not returning the favor. That is not the case at all. He does not believe that I give just to see him feel good. Again, that returns to his belief that he shouldn’t accept my love.
I am convinced that he has somewhat of a maladaptive schema. He was emotionally abandoned and abused by his mother. She has been dead for over twenty years but I believe the coping mechanisms that he employed as a child are being reenacted in his adult relationships. I’m no psychologist, but I’ve been reading quite a bit on the subject of schemas and trauma. How did he learn to resent or wish he didn’t have any emotions? Why is he convinced everything, even our love for each other, has an expiration date? Why does he feel so undeserving? Why does he perceive rejection so easily? Something must have hurt him early in his life so much for him to believe that emotions are a flaw. Perhaps that is why he favors no strings sex to sex with someone that he is in love with. There is risk in love and offering trust, but perhaps for him the risk is too great to love full out.
I love him very much, and he tells me that he is in love with ME. But his attitude toward our relationship is increasingly frustrating for me. I would appreciate any insight. Thank you for you help!
I have known for a long time that it has been on my partner's mind, but I never thought that he believed our age gap would determine the longevity of my relationship with him. He believes that my love and time with him is finite. He does not believe in our growth as a couple and he "has come to accept it" as he told me the other day. He believes that we will grow further apart as we age, and that I should think about having a life with someone who is closer to my generation and at a similar time in their life.
No matter how much I tell him that his age is not an issue, he still admits to feeling guilty about being in love with someone who is so young; he feels as though he is "robbing the cradle." He is convinced that "when he is old and decrepit" I’ll want to leave him, or worse, stay with him out of pity. He tells me that I am in the Spring of my life while he is in the Autumn of his so why would I want to spend my youth with an "old man" like him, he says. Or people will look at us together and mistake him for my father. It is sad to hear that after several years of passion, magic, working through arguments, traveling the world and dreaming together, he has always had this shadow of guilt.
I wonder why he doubts my capacity to love him...does he think I am so shallow that I would discard him like an old slipper when his hair is all grey and he is no longer as agile as he used to be? I think his hopelessness is due to somewhat of a low image of himself. I can see it in his attitude toward life and the different people in it. He feels as though he does not deserve my love, that I wouldn’t want to give it to him when he is old and grey and I’ll eventually leave him. He even admits that he wishes I didn’t love him, that I would leave him to relive him of the guilt that he is robbing precious years from my youth. However, if I left him it would affirm his belief that may-december romances are impractical. I like his low confidence carries into being overly concerned about his image, i.e. being anxious about what other people may think when they see a young woman with an older man.
I know I am never short of complimenting him, telling him how handsome he is to me. I believe I am helpful and supportive of the things that interest him, like his woodworking and sailing. And I think I am understanding about his job demands, especially in the condition of the current economy. Even intimately, I have tried to show him, telling him that I just want to give him a night of pleasure and he can just relax without feeling the need to reciprocate. But he becomes annoyed with himself for not being to just sit back and enjoy because he feels the need to please me in turn. Some may look at the situation and mistake him for not really wanting to please me. I know he enjoys giving me pleasure. The conflict is in he doesn’t believe that I would forgo reciprocation. He thinks that while I am giving him pleasure, I’m secretly wishing that he would do the same and resenting him for not returning the favor. That is not the case at all. He does not believe that I give just to see him feel good. Again, that returns to his belief that he shouldn’t accept my love.
I am convinced that he has somewhat of a maladaptive schema. He was emotionally abandoned and abused by his mother. She has been dead for over twenty years but I believe the coping mechanisms that he employed as a child are being reenacted in his adult relationships. I’m no psychologist, but I’ve been reading quite a bit on the subject of schemas and trauma. How did he learn to resent or wish he didn’t have any emotions? Why is he convinced everything, even our love for each other, has an expiration date? Why does he feel so undeserving? Why does he perceive rejection so easily? Something must have hurt him early in his life so much for him to believe that emotions are a flaw. Perhaps that is why he favors no strings sex to sex with someone that he is in love with. There is risk in love and offering trust, but perhaps for him the risk is too great to love full out.
I love him very much, and he tells me that he is in love with ME. But his attitude toward our relationship is increasingly frustrating for me. I would appreciate any insight. Thank you for you help!