23yw/59om

:confused: hi everyone. I am in a dilemma. i'm in love with my boyfriend who is my ex teacher. I want a comittment but he doesnt. He is significantly bothered by our 36 year age difference. He hardly ever wants to go out in public b/c he is afraid people will think he is a "letcher". I love him and want a commitment but he doesnt. i am feeling very sad about all this and could use some advice. :(

hey there don't be sad.....

You know this is very common amoungst the older men not being able to see past the label of age......

Anyway... you can't force him to be comfortable either he is or he isn't ... Try and reassure him that you don't see an age.... you see him.....have him come on this site... maybe we can help him.....

No matter what though keep the lines of communications open..... but remember you can't force you can try but don't lose yourself in the process.... You may eventually need to do what makes you happy even if he is with you or not...

:) your advice makes me me feel better and allows me to think more positively about my relationship. I will try and talk to him and bring him here so i can show him that we aren't the only ones that have an age gap in the world. His problem is that he doesnt want people to think we are weird or something. I'll keep ya posted:D deedee

But you don't always feel it. My sweetie still till this day has a HUGE problem with only a 17 year difference. He freaks out all the time when he sees a good looking 20 something guy....you should be with him I hate when he says that stuff. MerAlove23 is right....it hism you enjoy - he just happens to be 36 years older than you. [

QUOTE]Anyway... you can't force him to be comfortable either he is or he isn't ... Try and reassure him that you don't see an age.... you see him.....[/QUOTE]

I tried this meathod last night...but that's a whole nother thread ;)

OMG my guy always says that when he sees a younger guy too. Ya know i always tell him to not talk like that cuz it makes me upset. Then he says that i dont wanna hear the truth. When our OM talk like that do u think they aren't really thinking of us in the long term??? I wonder..................

I think they are just concerned for you...Truth is that you may outlive him but who knows... I didn't think my boyfriend was going to die when i was 23 and he was 25 right? so who's to say you are the one to out live him......


Just go with it ..Keep your head up if it is meant to be it will if not than just means you haven't found the right guy.....

He's never said that I don't want to hear the truth....directly. He says that I just don't know what i want. Uh...what am I....12? I'm a grown woman and can make my own choices. I love him and I choose to stick around, because of who he is. It upsets me too when he says stuff like that, but actions speak louder than words. I can tell by the way he stares at me, the way we sleep next to each other...the list can go on...These things take time for our honeys to get used to. MerALove is right....they are just looking after us...in all truth, we can look after ourselvs - but they don't see it that way. Give it time...I have, still waiting, but hopeful ;)

Emcad i totally relate to you. My OM stares at me and when we kiss its like so much love. The funny thing is, i wish i was in your position. You get to stay over and be with him as often as you like . I, on the other hand, still live with my parents whom know nothing about him. He says that things would get better if i had my own place but my parents are so old fashioned and controlling, they say they will never talk to me if i move out. I was wondering how long you and your OM have been dating??? I'm sure you would love to get married to him ASAP!

I couldn't help but comment on your last post where you said that you parents wouldn't speak to you if you move out of their house. You are 23 years old. If your parents don't think of you as an adult and treat you accordingly they are doing you a great disservice. I understand not wanting to upset your parents, but you cannot let them use emotional blackmail on you. Do they expect you to keep living with them until you get married? What if that wasn't until you are 30 or so? (just speaking hypothetically) I think you need to look out for yourself. You are at an age (as am I) where you need to be establishing yourself as an adult. Living under the thumb of controlling parents doesn't fit that bill. Perhaps your relationship with your parents is a part of the problem with your SO. I don't think I would date a man who was in that position (living with controlling parents)even if there was no age difference. Just something to think about.

Originally posted by DeeDeeRomance23
[B]yeah you are definately right it is part of the problem i am having in my relationship with my SO. I am starting to look for an apt and plan on moving in with my sister hopefully by the summer. the way i am going to go about it though is to not tell them until i have completely furnished the whole place and have taken care of everything. I just need to have a place of my own so i can hang with my friends and my bf. My only concern is that when i do have an apt, and when i eventually tell my parents, they might pop in unannounced all the time. If they find out about my relationship i am sure they will never speak to me again. So as you can see the only dilemma in my life is not just with my OM it's with my parents. I think that's why i am so in love with my SO b/c he gives me loving support all the time and can understand my controlling parents to a degree. Hopefully things will all come together by the summer. I have to keep an open mind or else i will lose it..............:eek:[QUOTE]"It is better to die on ones' feet than to live on ones' kness"

Stay over as often as I like! Yeah right...everything is planned around his son, which isn't bad...I just don't see him as often as I would like.

Well...I HAVE to agree withPink Panther. Now is the time to move out, not have parents hovering over you, watching your every move. Your 23 for cryin' out loud! It's almost as if they want to keep you in a bubble...sorry mom and dad - LIFE HAPPENS. You must be the baby of the family...yes? Either that or your parents have a fear of you becoming a wonderful woman.

With parents - it's okay to want to please them, but you need to please yourself too! You don't want to be miserable all your life. You can't make choices for yourself if you don't experience life. And life is full of wonderful! Even if you do experience heartache, sadness and sorrow, it's all apart of life.

With telling your parents...well that's different for everyone. My parents are very supportive...love D, am happy I found him. They just want me to be happy. If I'm happy they are happy.

I wish you the best

EMCAD

Okay so i see there are bumps to every relationship. hopefully ours bumps will smooth out in the near future!!!! I am the baby of the family but that's not the big problem. My brother is 27 and he is also living at home. My parents are foreigners from another country and their moto is "only leave home when you are married". My brother has it good b/c they dont bother him cuz he's a "boy". It's basically the dinosaur age thinking. So with or without there blessing i am going to move out with sis. I just pray it goes over well. A happy outcome with be being closer with my honey A.

Dee.....

I was afraid of my parents to.... but they love me and said as long as I"M happy...... They like him to.. and are helping us plan our marriage........ You just be honest with them... tellthem that you are the only one tht needs to live your life no one else... and if they loved you they should do it unconditionally....

Well If you want to move out then MOVE OUT...... You are older than 18 and you are an adult....

Can I get an AMEN!!!

Amen... heheh

Don't be sad!!!:( Look, it's not the end of the world! If he says he's not in love with you the accept that and move on! I know it hurts like HELL to accept what feels like rejection, but don't look at it that way! He's not rejecting YOU as a person, he's rejecting a silly little number. Look at it from his perspective. If he can't handle the age difference and if that's the ONLY thing that's holding him back, then he will be a sad, sad man who will miss out on a WONDERFUL woman. Too bad for him!

Be happy and you'll find that happiness drops itself in your lap.

Hugs & love,
Happy

Don't be sad!!! Look, it's not the end of the world! If he says he's not in love with you the accept that and move on! I know it hurts like HELL to accept what feels like rejection, but don't look at it that way! He's not rejecting YOU as a person, he's rejecting a silly little number. Look at it from his perspective. If he can't handle the age difference and if that's the ONLY thing that's holding him back, then he will be a sad, sad man who will miss out on a WONDERFUL woman. Too bad for him!

What happened here?!

No. YOU didn't miss anything! I did. I was replying to the original post (which I did not read carefully enough):o

(Pre-coffee)

for not having coffee made! I'm gonna have to regulate! :D

ROFLMAO! Get on over here! SHE NEEDS HER COFFEE OR YOU'RE ALL FIRED!

Your cubical will be cleaned out by NOON today and as you leave bow to Happy and let her know how truly sorry you are for not having HER morning coffee ready!! DAMN IT!

Hi girls!! Well, he never actually said he didnt love me and he didnt say that he did love me! He did say that he cares about me.....in men's terminology i guess that means that i have a hot bod and that'll keep him around for a while??? Oh god who knows...I'm at the point where it's either have me the way i am or go chase some 50 year older lady if thats what he wants. Although i do see some improvements over the past few days. He's started emailing me more on the weekends and he called me b/c i was out sick the past 2 days and sounded very concerned. We'll see. Hopefully the summer will be promising for me when i get an apt. Geez my mom has been driving me crazy i dunno how i can deal with all this at once. I'm really glad i joined this message board b/c it makes me feel better to see the positive advice from everyone(which i definately need). I'm going to see my honey Booboo(that's his nickname) at work the next three days so that should be fun. I mean i love going to work b/c he is a fellow worker and we have a great time working together. It's just that he doesnt want to be seen in public. God what's a girl to do???? By the way i could sure go for a hugewawa cappuccino with all this talk of coffee!!!
troubled and confused,
deedee:eek:

I care a lot about you

Those are too familiar of words. I think they fear the unfamiliar as well as the truth. He probably has fears like all of our S/O do or did. He's not sure about the age gap and it scares him. Stand strong and be open with him....that's what I'm doin'....it's getting somewhere, but slowly.

ROFLMAO.

Deedee - sorry about the coffee talk. Until the stressors of my work [we have EIGHT voluntary clean up CERCLA contracts we are working on (LOTS OF FRIGGIN DETAIL); one law firm partner out of the office three days a week working hard at the statehouse and harder when he's here; and a lien we are taking out on contaminated property]; re-arranging my schedule to teach a kid's martial arts class; actually TEACHING that darn class; and B's moving the martial arts studio I AM HITTING THE CAFFEINE HARD.:rolleyes:

As a recovering caffeine addict (I had a $25 a day Starbuck's habit) up until this time, I was avoiding it but HOLY COW LOOKOUT! I am back on the smack and nuthin's gonna keep me off of it!!! Starbuck's sees me coming and pulls out the special KFC sized bucket o' coffee and I'm on my way. ROFL. As soon as I can get adjusted to all of these changes, I'm back on strictly water and wine.

And hey, if your fella doesn't get his stuff together, no sweat! You'll be just fine! And you are right - things WILL be better when you get your own apartment. Better for YOU. You might find that freedom from parental units exhilarating and have a blast being independent from parents or even a boyfriend. Besides, do you know how many couples I know MET at their apartment complex pools???;) ROFL.

Back to the coffee pot.

Happy

you are right i guess that's all we can do is wait and enjoy ourselves in the meantime. I always tell him let's live in each moment and not worry about the future so much. he always says "well what will happen in 10 years when i probably won't be interested in sex anymore?". He's always talking about the future. I get upset when he focuses on that too much but then in a way i ask myself "Does he really see me in his future in 10 years?". So i get kindda elated b/c he actually feels that i would be around till then. uhhhh i wish god blessed me with more patience cuz the amount i have now is not cutting it!!!!! Hopefully i'll have better news after friday b/c i am going to spend the next 3 days at work with him. It kindda sucks cuz when i go to work is when i see him the most. We hardly even go out unless i see him at work. I was sick the past 2 days and didnt go in work so i couldnt see him. The test is gonna be next week cuz we have off from school an entire week. I'd like to see how often he calls and wants to see me. I'll keep everyone updated for sure!!!!!:cool:

DAMN STARBUCKS!!!

Never been there..never will....anti-starbucks gal over here!!

Dee - hurry up and get that apartment

Originally posted by DeeDeeRomance23
I always tell him let's live in each moment and not worry about the future so much. he always says "well what will happen in 10 years when i probably won't be interested in sex anymore?". He's always talking about the future.

Deedee - that's a great outlook. I am always happiest when I am living in the moment and present oriented. When I'm not strung out on caffeine and am otherwise healthy, I meditate and focus on the PRESENT. It can keep one from going insane and certainly puts an end to those torturous "WHAT IF" questions.

What will happen in 10 years WHEN HE'S NO LONGER INTERESTED IN SEX????? Riiiiight. What man, no matter how old, loses total interest in sex? ;) I mean, a senator in our state was fathering children well into his 60's. ROFL. On a more serious note, I shut my friends up when they put a similar question to me like "What are you going to do when he DIES in ten or fifteen years?" Puh-leeze. What would I do if I was with a man my age who got hit by a bus tomorrow? We are not promised a future. We aren't promised anything other than what we have in front of us right now!

Ugh. Caffeine buzz. . . wearing. . .off. Must get. . .more. . .coffee.
:p

Deedee -

Happy's right...it is a great way of thinking. My honey says the same thing...5, 10, 15 years from now. As some of the members know - it's not worth living for the future, who knows what tomorrow may bring...heck-today even! I wish our S/O could think the way we do...it would make it so much easier.

Originally posted by EMCAD80
DAMN STARBUCKS!!!

Never been there..never will....anti-starbucks gal over here!!

Dee - hurry up and get that apartment

DO NOT EVER CROSS THE THRESHOLD OF THE EVIL EMPIRE. You will get sucked in by a gentle "gateway coffee" such as a Grande Vanilla / Caramel Latte and the next thing you know, you are intravaneously hooked up to a Vinte-sized Columbian Aztec Double Shot Espresso Mochachino Latte. (joking - no such bird, kids. Ha ha ha.)

I used to (sniff) avoid them (sniff); but now I've been dragged back in. The REAL drug lords are the Coffee Kingpins of Starbucks!

War on drugs my a**.

It's rough for you - I know. Hi my name is ___________ and I'm addicted to STARBUCKS.

Sometimes, family and traditions are very powerful.

A relationship can hinge on the fine wiring of the family.

The sense of loyalty to ones culture and traditions is very
evident.

Question: In your religious text, what is the greatest age disparity noted?

In olden times, in the place where your parents were born, what is the greatest age disparity noted?

Do you want children? Does your OM want children?

Where do you want the relationship to go?

Where does your OM want the relationship to go?

There are literally thousands of questions but the ones that you might want to review are:
What do I need to be 90% happy?
What does he think that he needs to be 90% happy?

Life is short to be unhappy more than 10% of the time.

well, i am not religious so i couldnt refer to any specific text, i believe in god and know that he watchs over us all. The norm for an age disparity from my parent's country is about 5-7 years differece. Any more than that is questionable. The age is not the only factor playing into the problem. He is also jewish and my mother only wants to see me with someone from their country. I could never help that b/c i love jewish and italian guys!!!. i don't know if i want children at this point, but if i do i would like them with him. I don't plan on getting married to him b/c it would cause too much controversy among the family. I just want to be able to live my life with him and be happy.

Up until 1960, at 23 you were considered a grownup and then some.

Being grown up means making the best decisions for you and yours. It also means that you respect yourself enough to listen to the things that create dreams and nightmares.

As a grown up, one has an obligation to embrace happiness while accepting all of the things that others use as an attempt to thwart your success.

Everyone feels as if they are right. Parents, friends, relatives and acquaintances. But, in the end (if you are very lucky, you'll be very old) you will be blanketed in your memories (alone within your body).

Each decision that one makes is another thread in their blanket.

Whether a decision is universally acceptable or not is of little real consequence.

What may appear wrong today, may be the norm for your children or someone else in the not to distant future (because of your decision, today).

In some places, marriage can still be arranged but loving can never be dictated!

Follow the course that you believe is best for you and yours.

Just remember to stay within the moment and savor all that life has to offer.

One does not marry or give birth to their parents. Your greatest obligation is to the family that you create. Hopefully, you won't forget the lesson, so your children won't have to go through the same problems with you.

Alas, our memories sometimes change with age.

geez if i could only get my parents to understand things would be fine.

Living is all about risks!

Your life is yours. Respect your decisions and smile at the pain

that you see on the faces of those who doubt you.

You don't need to prove them wrong.

The goal is to believe that you are right because being wrong is

unpleasant!

Think about your (future) Child and your Man.

If that makes you warm inside, you may be going in the right

direction

DeeDeeRomance,

I am a random viewer of this forum who is quite
glad to find someone (from a foreign country as well
(are you Asian???)) whos parents "require" them
by costum to live at home until marraige, regardless
of age. It is just a sign of respect, in our culture, and
I have grown at peace with the collision of the two cultures.
My desires to live outside of this house have subsided,
as I grow to understand where they are coming from,
and their good intentions. I had interests in some
OM, and hope to find that special someone that
so many on this board have!!!

Reply if you like!

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