Selfish???

This may sound really selfish, but my OM's son has just announced he wants to live with dad, and I am so DOWN. I can't say this is news to me, I have been telling the OM that it is fairly obvious (to me anyway) that he would want to live with him when he turns 12. He would waffle back and forth, and say, "Oh you don't know what he's gonna do, he may not want to live with me at all." Now that it's official, I am having doom-like visions for this relationship, and I feel TERRIBLE about it. It's not that I don't like his son, he is a sweet boy and is very thoughtful (when he's not acting squirrely, which 11 yr olds are prone to) but I WORRY endlessly that he will take up all of his dad's time and energy, and there won't be any left for me. Maybe this is because the whole time we've been dating (seven months) he's only been around every other weekend, or we've gone to a hockey game here and there, so it has been easy for me to fall under the impression that things would continue this way. Maybe I'm overreacting, sometimes it doesn't bother me and I realize I already knew this, other times I feel like my feet are definitely not big enough to fill the shoes of a stepmother. (Even though I'm not even sure what that role MEANS!!!) The OM says his son really likes me, which makes me feel even more PRESSURE, because if I'm not sure about this relationship and it someday ends, I would feel doubly guilty about being another in-and-out person in his son's life. When he brings up marriage and/or having a baby, I'm having a hard time feeling excited anymore, I just get this idea of me as somebody's old hag of a mother or stepmother all before I'm even 25. I do know we need to slow down any talk of that sort, because jumbling all of that up into one conversation, even if it's in a 'joking' manner, makes me want to bolt. Every time I try to bring this up with the OM though I seem to get misconstrued as wanting him to choose between his son or me, which I'm not foolish enough to do, nor do I want to. How can I communicate to him that I just don't want him to forget about me???? I don't WANT him to not be a father, and give his son ample time, but I also don't want to end up like my parents have, being so concerned with the kids that they don't even know or care about the mate anymore. I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THAT!Maybe I am selfish, but I don't want to get lost in the shuffle that I anticipate. So, am I being a selfish witch? Hopelessly showing my age with my silly concerns? Do I need to chill out, or try the difficult task of getting him to see my point of view again? (When he gets mad he says it's "my problem" and that I need to make my own decision.) I feel like such an oddball for being threatened by an 11-yr old boy, and my friends are no help as they think I'm nuts to even consider sticking around. I love him, but is that sometimes just not enough to make things worthwhile?

Dear, you are feeling old fashioned jealousy!

It is normal!

You are entering a new part of the relationship.

Yes, things will change but that doesn't mean for the worse.

You are not his mom or his step-mom, you are dad's girlfriend and that's okay. You are not going to be a big sister. You are going to be another adult who has an opportunity to share your maturity and help the boy become a healthy young man. Ironically, the blue print of parenting is within you. You have an opportunity to grow as a person.

You don't have to be the childs buddy but you have an opportunity to be more than just another grown up to this child.

But, be careful! Dad is dad and he has his way of parenting.
Pay attention! Dad's parenting style will be the same when you have children together.

You are in a wonderful position to see how he operates without the bias of this being your child also. It will give you a leg up on the issues that sometimes pop up when raising children.

You don't have to lose anything. You can allow yourself the rare opportunity of seeing your OM as he was as a child. This boy is a direct extention of him and you'd be surprised by the number of similiarities.

You can choose to gain from the experience!

And, the times when he visits with his mom will give you two an even greater opportunity to fan the flames of the relationship.

Cherish every opportunity to become more than you presently are. Our goal should be to reach our full potential. Your relationship could blossom like a flower or wither from neglect.
The choice is yours.

Thank you, Orpheus, for your words of wisdom. You helped to put things in a new perspective, when I seem to be stuck in a negative pattern of thinking. You are right, as much as it stings to admit it, I am jealous- of losing HIM. Which is hard to rationally justify, but these feelings are definitely NOT coming from a rational place. I can only wait for things to unfold and try to be patient, but this is new to me and I can be discouraged. THANK YOU for being patient with me, I half-expected to be yelled at. (I'm really trying NOT to act four years old.) :)

Hey you will be fine... and orpheus is right.... Youw ill get to see his parenting style..... My OM has a 17 year old living with us..... I wish I was you with someone that young..... Now I have one tht fights with me constintly so... Iam having issues with him

You hit home with me too. Thanks for posting....we are always happy to have a male perspective.

datura81
Girl I feel ya! My jealousy/neglected meter has gone through the roof. D has a troubled teen, so he NEEDS to be a father more than anything right now. Which I totally understand (his son lives with him) but I feel so pushed to the side. Then I stop and kick myself sometimes for feeling such feelings. D has an opportunity to turn his son's life around and here I am woways me, but how could I live w/ myself if I didn't allow D to become a wonderful father. I won't lie...it is rough, but like OrpheusdeCocao said:
And, the times when he visits with his mom will give you two an even greater opportunity to fan the flames of the relationship.
You two will love the time together even more than before ;)
My best to you
~EMCAD