Update - posted in both forums

Hi all, thanks so much for your advice a few weeks ago. If you recall, I am a 22 year old who bought a home with a 39 year old last August. For the past few months he has become hurtful and verbally abusive. We've been together over 2 years and he moved across the country to be with me.

We recently went to Jamaica (I paid for his ticket). I have friends there and we went to stay with them. Long story short, he's not welcome back at their place. I never said anything, but my girlfriend told me about half way into the trip that she didn't like him. She said she heard him say mean things to me, and heard him mumbling awful things in the other room. One night he and I were driving somewhere and he just went crazy and almost killed us and pedestrians. There was no reason for him to even be upset at the time. He also began running out of any room I walked into, scoffing about everything and generally making a fool out of both of us. It was very embarrassing and showed me that I really shouldn't be with him. I can't live in such a dangerous and volatile situation.

We got back late Saturday night and have been talking about splitting since. Last night I told him that I really didn't think we'd be able to make it through this. He was so upset he was sobbing. He lost his job on Monday and I was going to wait to talk about all this, but he just kept pressing me to tell him (even though he pretty much told me when he continued acting like that and treating me like that). We have a joint mortgage and I need to find out what our options are because I want to keep the house. I have two cats, two dogs, and 35 birds which is why we purchased instead of renting in the first place. He doesn't really have any ties. The way I see it he has so many options; go back cross country, go where his sister is, go where his brother is, etc. but all he thinks is "oh no now what will I do" and "now where should I even look for a job". He can't realize that I want to rid him of his only responsibility right now and then he'd be completely free. Anyway I'm rambling. Would appreciate any responses. Thanks for reading.

Wow that stinks.... Well I'm glad that you are trying to get out of the relationship if its abusive. That is not a good situation to be in, I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband has an outrageous temper. He even throws temper tantrums like a small child, & in public no less. He too has been verbally abusive w/ me. I want to leave my marriage as well but I'm kind of clueless on the whole divorce thing & how it works.

My question is when did he start acting fruit? Maybe he is having a hard time dealing w/ the job loss, maybe he had indications of it happening before hand & was scared & didn't know how to react. Im just saying as everyone has been saying to me. There may be other issues that you may or may not be aware of that are causing his outbursts... or it could just be that he is an *** & you are just now seeing it. I honestly don't know but I wish you the best of luck.

Hi Josephina, I'm sorry to hear you are in the same situation! The way I see it is that everyone has stress in life. It is how the stress is handled that makes you who you are. Yes, he had problems at work. Ironically, he was fired because his boss said he couldn't trust him (which is my problem too). If this is how he reacts, then it's not going to be with me. See? So people telling you that it might be other things are trying to make excuses for him. There will always be stress and problems in life and it's how this is managed that is important, I think. It is still so sad because we both sacrificed so much to be where we are now...last night when he "realized" he started throwing away all these things I bought him, ripping up pictures, etc. and that showed me even more who he really is. Then ten minutes later was asking if we could work it out !!!!!

Yeah I totally agree w/ you. We both need to get out of our relationships. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do & what kind of issues I'm going to encounter w/ divorce. I wish you the best of luck. You may want to call a lawyer to since you have a shared mortgage, I don't know how that will work for you. Again I wish you the best.

Good luck to you as well! Sounds like you have more property to deal with then I do. He's trying to tell me we either need to sell the house or I need to give him 40K which is what he put down on the house. He actually only put 30k down, which he got when his mother passed away last year. Now he's telling me I have to give him 40k to get him out of there. I'm not selling the house if I can help it. I don't think it's true but can't really afford a lawyer right now. I want to at least be friendly until we work out a separation. It seems so counterproductive otherwise. We're stuck together now anyway so may as well make the best of it. Good luck to you!

That's how I feel too. And of course I am having the other issues b/c I want to be w/ my OM. But I have to deal w/ this sucky marriage. Why does life have to always be hard?? Does it ever get easier? My OM said no... bummer. But he says we'll make it.

Boy..... I'm sorry.... You are a very strong woman to realize that this is not right for you.... you did the right thing.... Maybe he needs some help, Theripist, even if you wanted to go back to you . you should demand he go see someone for this. If this is the first time he's reacted so poorly like this maybe he is experiencing a nervous breakdown. If its not then I am afraid that this is just "him"

Good Luck and I do wish you the best....

Hey mbsnbcr! I had wondered what happened to you, and also acekay. Now that I know, it's no wonder you're not posting so much, it's hard to even know where to start. I guess I'll just keep it short and say you are completely justified in breaking things off at this point, in fact I'd say it's necessary. He sounds like a VERY loose cannon, and you never know when the sobbing will flip back to the completely irrational abuse that he has displayed in the past. You WILL do better, and the sooner the better, before he hurts you or your animals or some other crazy thing. Please keep us updated, and be safe. Good luck!

As a man, I will never understand why seemingly intelligent women get mixed up with assholes.
Also, as I'd tell my daughters, the first time a guy gets abusive, leave him!!!!! No second chances, no trying to understand him, no hoping he changes. Just get the f**k out of there!!! AL:mad:

ROFL at Al's response. He he. Sometimes, we don't know they are a** holes, Al, even when it's right in front of our noses. (That's a different post entirely. If you want to make a thread, I'll TELL you why I stayed with one for a hundred years.)

Anyway - MS, I am so glad you realize you need to get out of that situation. Other than that, I can't do any better than everyone else who posted.

Stay strong and be happy kickin' him to the curb. You need a man who needs a woman, not a mommy. Tell him to quit "wondering" what he's going to do and go out there and do it. He can take care of himself. (And if he can't, that's certainly NOT your problem!)

Love,
Happy

MS...just like datura...I was wondering how life was going for you.

I know he may act like this, but he means well.
This is the first time he's done it, it won't happen again
But I love him

I am happy to know that you (and all women here) are strong and will never be the ones to state any of the above, or anything remotely close to it. Good for you that you see this and your getting the hell out of this relationship. It's sad to know that people can change so drastically within a few years...or maybe he hid his true self very well.

I saw you disappeared for a while....I know this site is for May/December romances...but we are also here for LOVE and SUPPORT when things go sour. I've noticed the boards are jumpin again and there seems to be a growing bond between people. Please keep us updated.

My heart goes out to you

~EMCAD

Hey guys,

Well I'm stuck. I posted in the OW/YM forum as well because I want to get as much advice as possible! I'm stuck with him, he won't leave and won't let me leave. Therapy has been mentioned but I do not want to pay for his therapy and he can't/won't. He has money issues because he lost his job and hasn't found another one yet. We have a joint mortgage and he would have to release one of the names, which he refuses to do. He also won't agree to sign anything saying that he will leave if he abuses me again. He's all over the place and I think he's lost it. It is no fun I'll tell you. I didn't know he would be this way. In the fall of 2001 he went to anger management for a few months because I was going to leave him then. Then I moved back here and he followed me and never went for another session. Guess stuff's just been building up...

I appreciate that you were wondering how I am, that makes me feel good :-) Talk to you soon!

This is a serious situation...

I feel for you...I am afraid for you to.

First things first, no matter how tangled up your finances are with his, you don't have to stay in this situation. Look into what the laws are in your area. Try domestic violence shelters, or--he took anger management course? A lot of times those are run as part of a domestic violence program.

I want to say so much here, but I'm really unclear as to all the details of your situation. All I see is him using your financial/mortage situation as another means of control...and I know there has to be a way around it. Somehow.

PM me if you want...having worked at a DV shelter I know a bit...and maybe, can give you ideas you hadn't thought of.

You don't have to stay ANYWHERE forever...particularlly stuck in a bad situation.

If you have ANYONE....a family member, friend, coworker with an open couch- I URGE you to stay with them until you can get him out of the house. I know you really love your animals, but I'm sure you could find a home for them at a shelter, maybe even temporarily. You can buy more pets, but you can't replace YOU. Hell, if I was you I'd up and run even if it means swallowing your pride. Forget the house, forget the pets (I know that's a tall order) but PLEASE take care of YOURSELF!!! You're going to be at an impasse until one of you leaves the other's presence, and it sounds like it's NOT gonna be him. He probably thinks you're not even serious, so you need to show him that you are. GO. Please??? Pretty please???? :(

Well, I think what I'll have to do is file for partition. I would need to get a lawyer to file, and then Something would have to happen, whether it be selling the house or one of us removing a name. I understand what you are saying about the pets. Thing is, I could have made it easier for myself for the past 4 years if I were to board them or give them away. I just can't do it. I will not abandon them. There must be something I can do ... since this isn't an age gap issue, just an abuse issue (not even physical), I should probably let you all alone and post in a different forum. Please let me know if that's what you want me to do. I will leave him, it's only a matter of time. I don't want to rush out without considering all of my options and making sure I'm doing the right thing. Thanks so much for your concern, and keep me in mind before you automatically think that just because he's 40 or whatever older age that he's mature and good!

There is good and bad in any age. Just because we get older doesn't make us better people.
I grew up in Italy where most men in my town were abusive with their wives, including my father.
In those days, it was an accepted practice and women just took it, but I made a vow that when I grew up I would never hit a woman, and never have.
Verbal abuse is cruel as well, it works into your psyche. I don't deny that when I was married or in a relationship, we'd fight and call each other names, but it ended there. I think that's the more normal way to go.
As one of the members here, I don't mind you posting about your problems and I think just to be able to discuss it publicly might help a little. Good luck. AL.
PS- Your own personal safety is the most important thing and all other considerations, financial or otherwise, are secondary. If worse comes to worse, go to a woman's shelter.

My advice would be get out, and get out now.... you don't want things to escalate further than they have... if it is that volatile a situation it can change in any direction... volatile=unpredictable which equals dangerous in any sense of the word... to you emotionally, physically, and anything in between.

Take care of yourself and your needs, and most of all... use your head... there is never a 'good' time to end things or discuss things that are pressing to us... so just bite the bullet and go for it.

mbsnbcr,
Hi, I'm new here to the site but when I read your post I felt I had to put in my two cents!

Get Out!.....abuse is Nothing anybody should have to endure!
Your saying its not that simple that you have a mortage to worry about, your pets to worry about.

I'm sorry but it IS that simple...yes your going to have ALOT of financial problems to deal with! Yes you may loose your pets that you love and cherish, But you need to be grateful to have your life! Life is full of ups and downs...its not the end of the road, its a long hard trip back to financial security. I've left a relationship before where I slept in my car for 3 months till I could afford another apartment (yes it was abusive, yes it was my only option at the time) In this world there are so many news stories about how they were killed by their husband/wife/lover for such a petty reason.

Material things can be replaced! lives can't! Please take the advise of someone thats been in your situation before.

Time may help with your assetts a lawyer may find for your favor that the house is to be yours in the end. But to stay there for the good of keeping a home!......Please they build homes each and every day in this world a new one can be had. Time doesn't heal all but it sure does make for new beginings.

Myself, and I think everyone on this site knows there is nothing more precious in life than life its self! Don't think me harsh but GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!