The Steele Trap...Issue 1 Married and...Cheating?

brought to you by popular demand (okay, so it was only a couple of sugestions!) :p

So here it is. A story, and my opinion on the matter.

I work in a male dominated arena. For most of my shift, I am the only female around for miles, so I recieve a lot of male attention. A LOT. While this is flattering, as I said, I'm the only female most of these guys see for about eight hours, so I take the attention with a grain of salt.

I get phone numbers slipped to me. Guys flirt as they pass by. My position is one of small (very small) authority. My challenge is to accept their attentions in a way that doesn't cause problems. If I am too harsh "Excuse me, that is NOT appropriate." I run the risk of being the Big ******. If I am too receptive, "OHHH! hee hee, thanks you big hunk of man-meat! tee hee" I become the Big Bimbo. I find a balance in gently rebuffing "Oh sure you say that to all the women you see." with a smile.

That's the background. Here's the story.

As I said, I frequently get phone numbers slipped to me. I have never, and will never use these numbers. Can you picture it? I call one of these guys, I date him, regardless of what happens on the date, next thing I know I'm getting sly looks, and the man of my choice is getting the old "nudge, nudge, wink, wink, slap on the back, way to go!!"

Well one gentleman--and I use the term loosely--slipped me his phone number. With his left hand. There is a gorgeous platinum and diamond ring on that hand. WHAT!! Was I not supposed to notice?

A few weeks later, he was saying "Hey, why didn't you call me?"

Ummmmm....I was afraid who might answer! Think that has something to do with it? (among other reasons)

I realize that some marriages go bad. I worked in a domestic violence shelter for three years; this is all I need to know of how bad it can be. I have no judgement on people who are stuck in a bad situation.

This is for those OTHER people. The men--or women--who are blatantly, and without shame, looking for a "piece" on the side. What does he really think he has to offer me? Am I really interested in a few sordid liasons which could be interrupted by his cell phone ringing "Oh hi honey, sure I'll be home for dinner...mmm-hmm, sounds great...okay, kiss the kids...love you...bye!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My question for you all: Why do men do this? (or women, again, but that at least has never happened to me--a married lady giving me her phone number in a sexually-connotative way.) What would you do in my situation? What would you say? And most importantly, what is your opinion of "Married and cheating?"

Hi Lara. Well, you gave us a lot to "chew on", but here are some of my thoughts. You have to be careful in a work romance situation because it can create problems. If there are many men, some might be just harmless flirts, while others might be looking for some "fun", and there's nothing wrong with that.
One of the dangers of accepting a date or calling one of those guys is that if he "scores", you might be the talk of the place. Whithin a group of workers where they all are vying for your favors, "the winner" will undoubtely brag about his "score" and you will either get more "offers" or get talked about mercilessly.
So, my advice is to just keep it light, don't take them too seriously, joke along with them, but try not to get involved. Of course there are exceptions to all rules and if you find "Mr. Right" in the workplace that's ok too.
As for married people cheating. Maybe it's because I'm single right now so I may be biased, but they are scumbags. There is no good reason to be unfaithful. The usual excuses of "She doesn't understand me", or "we're married in name only", or "We're together for the children", or "I will leaver eventually", are all a bunch a crap and lies in order to get a new piece of meat.
Heck, I've done it myself when I was married!!!
If someone cheats, he's a pig who has no pride or honesty. He's the same guy who'd go ape if his wife did the same thing to him. And most married men have no respect for the woman they cheat with, and will certainly never trust them.
So, stay away from married guys. If they're so unhappy, or if they like you so much, let them leave their wives first. AL.

Ah Lara I knew you had it in ya. Funny your first topic should strike such a personal chord with me. You see, I met the OM at work. He was my boss, he interviewed me, hired me and such and there was an insane chemistry from the very moment I saw him. The bad part was- he was married. However what I didn't know until almost 3 months later was that his marriage was in its final stage of disintegration when I started working with him. In fact the day I started, he wasn't there because his wife had drunk herself to a 0.27 blood alcohol level and wound up in detox, then jail for hitting him twice with a hammer, keying his Jeep and chasing him around the house with a kitchen knife. He says he wasn't actually afraid for his own safety, but for hers because she had been drinking so that's why he called the police. For him this was essentially the last straw, because he had put up with her problem for almost 6 years, which included a LOT of missed work, horrible credit and a DUI (while she was en route to pick up her elder son from school she blacked out and ran a stop light on a busy road). Like I said though, he didn't tell me his marriage was on the rocks for a couple of months, so even though I extremely liked him and knew he felt something for me, I thought he was probably a creep at first. I didn't see him until I quit working there full time, and he filed for divorce at roughly the same date. Seven months and millions of questions and bad days later I am finally fully secure that his marriage did not end because of anything to do with me, and that my young age had always been a source of guilt and difficulty rather than a positive thing for him. He had already informed his family that he was divorcing 3 months before he started seeing me, which led to a reconcilation with his parents, whom he hadn't spoken to in 3 years because they so disliked his wife. So I KNOW it wasn't me, which is essential to me thinking my relationship with him could go ANYWHERE. Our start was kind of 'iffy' because I guess technically we were cheating, because he was still married. BUT, for me being in divorce proceedings and moved out was good enough, and no one can tell me differently now because I have seen the whole thing go down. Is cheating wrong? Hells yeah it's wrong. Do I consider what we did cheating? Yes and no, leaning more towards "no". People can think of us what they will, and I know they will think mostly negatively. But I happened to meet a really good-hearted man who had finally become fed up with the drama surrounding being married to an admitted alcoholic- at the very time he pulled the plug. So does it look suspect? Yes, if you don't look very closely. My answer is: 99% of the time these work flirts are dirtbags. I've met a lot of them, since most people consider me at least fairly attractive. I happened to meet the other 1% though, and no I'm not that innocent (read: naive). Sorry to write your eyes off, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. :D

Great story, Duratura!!!! There are exceptions to every rule and
yours is one of them. In your situation I don't consider it cheating or in any way wrong. Sounds like you were made for each other and I wish you luck. AL.

"TECHNICALLY", I'm cheating too. But my ex and his girlfriend live together (in my old house), so I don't think he minds. THe laws of our state do not permit a "no fault" divorce. You can only divorce based on a specified period of time apart or some NASTY allegations that, while I could've gotten a divorce based on THOSE, I've no desire to make his crimes against me public record, ya know? We are both humiliated enough.

That being said, I GENERALLY disagree with anyone getting involved with another person before they are truly divorced. My rule of thumb for friends who ask this too-friggin-common question is:

1. That if BOTH parties have agreed that they are going to BE divorced and that they can both MOVE ON, then it's absolutely fine. My ex and I actually had that written in our separation papers: ". . .that each party shall live without the encumberances of marriage until the marriage is actually dissolved by the laws of the state of [our state]"

2. The person one is getting involved with is READY (or at least seems ready by your best judgment) to be involved with another human being. Datura's relationship and my relationship (so far) have worked out wonderfuly. I have seen, however, some train wreck relationships because the recent divorcee was NOT ready to love another person.

3. That the person getting involved with the recent or soon to be divorcee can be as understanding as possible when it comes to the backlash from getting divorced. As glad as I am that I am away from my ex husband, there are times when I only remember the "good times" and get a little weepy. Divorce, when two people really loved each other once, can be a horrible thing to deal with. It's like someone died. I had the presence of a man in my life for ten years who I just finally walked away from. Cut off; can't really talk to; can't see. It's hard. Having experienced the feelings that come from the death of a loved one, I can honestly say that divorcing someone is quite close. Anyone involved with a recent divorcee needs to understand that moments of "Oh...it wasn't SO bad..." doesn't mean "I want to go back..."

Now, THAT being said, there are some men out there who are in love with BEING IN LOVE or love the chase. I personally know one attorney, whom I love and adore as a friend, who is a real sweetheart in every area of his life EXCEPT staying faithful to his wife. And I HATE that about him. He chases anything that flashes a skirt and blinks their eyelashes at him. Once every three or four months, he it ". . . totally in love! She's the one! I love her Ilove her I love her..." and then she's gone. And then he gets over-involved with his wife and THEY "fall in love all over again". And I think he LIKES it this way. Honestly, falling in love is much easier than staying in love and becoming shared partners. It's more romantic, sexier to some people. They get addicted to all of that passion and think that passion like that is maintained without ebb or flow throughout a relationship. And human nature simply does not allow for an uniterrupted flow of love and romance. Everything has cycles, including love and passion. Some men just go out on the prowl when there is an ebb at home.

In addition to ALL of the above, some people, no matter how much they love each other, never truly develop their relationship. They depend on each OTHER for thier happiness and not themselves. [The most eye-opening thing that has ever happened to me is that I realized I was the only person responsible for my happiness.] Then, when that person does not meet thier needs, the get angry and spiteful. They are hurt and go looking elsewhere for affection. ESPECIALLY those who do not know how to communicate. That anger sits unresolved and festers until you no longer care whom you hurt. It's sad.

Anyway, that was my 2....3...cents. (O.K. more like a dollar....)

Love,
Happy

Lara:

Well....I have my own story about cheating. :( Before I met D (and actually HOW I met D) was through J. J is a 29 yr old man with a 50+ wife. Both very good looking people. They live in a nice neighborhood, no children, both employees of D and both flight attendants. They were newly weds at the time. Well...I was still with the ex and was jaded by anyone who gave me the attention I was lacking. One day I was chatting w/ J and he told me his wife was in New York. He wanted someone to watch a movie with - so I went over. One thing led to another and no SEX was encountered (the first night) *shakes head* I actually thought nothing of it. Then the second (and last - also the time I met D) time we did have sex and the next day I felt like crap. I had sex with a married man!! :eek: On top of it all...I had sex in the bed him and his wife share! How awful am I. Nevermind about my boyfriend at the time...he was last on my mind, I knew that was going downhill anyway. That was the last time I ever fooled around with J. But the good thing is (and bad) that I met D. Which D and J are best friends and I get the occasional "How 'bout a kiss for old times sake" when ever I see J. NOT GOOD! I know I can never do that again...my heart won't let me.

datura81:
I am so happy for you!! It's very hard to find quality men that aren't married. I am glad that your honey was having problems whe he was....just about the time you walked into his life. I think you went about it in the very best of ways. Waiting till you left his work place and making sure things were 'clear' before you fully entered the picture. GOOD FOR YOU :D

There are exceptions to every thing. My post is not about situations where marriage or relationships are bad, or reaching their natural conclusion. It is more about...serial cheaters, for lack of a better phrase. People who look around all the time for a bit of action outside their marriage bed, when their marriage is supposedly strong, when there is no intention of divorce or concluding the relationship. When the only intention is--to get a piece.

My question was not, should I go with the married guy? Or even, should I date one of these guys who flirt at work? I believe I see clearly regarding this at least, and I see trouble. I do not want to be next on everyone's hit list if one guy says he managed to get with me. I value my reputation too much to even dip my toe in this pond!!

So here's the funny. My partner at work--my equal in rank and position and job duties--caught me off guard this weekend. The guys--the flirting ones, the ones who slip me phone numbers--were taking their break. After a group of them passed, my partner turned to me and said, "Do you have ANY idea how many of these guys want to get in your pants?"

:eek: :eek: :eek:

Well my jaw hit the floor. My partner is a decent and funny guy...and he pulls no punches. I had to laugh though, having already posted on this topic, then to have it bluntly pointed out. My answer to my partner--"I have an inkling...but if I think about it too long I'll get uncomfortable." Then of course, I had to know what he knew--guys being guys, what made him say it? He merely noticed the way they acted and looked at me...

Anyway...regarding guys wanting to...get in my pants...

I don't want a guy who wants to "get into my pants"...I want a guy who wants to get into my MIND.

For though I am not easy, or inclined to indulge in "free love" (anymore...it was a short phase in college), getting into my pants is much less a challenge than getting into my mind!!

ROFL! (sigh) Some men, serial cheaters, are sweet, good hearted guys like the lawyer in my post.

Otherwise, the rest of them are horney, ego-centered, slobbering pigs.

Love,
Happy.

There are exceptions to every thing. My post is not about situations where marriage or relationships are bad, or reaching their natural conclusion. It is more about...serial cheaters, for lack of a better phrase. People who look around all the time for a bit of action outside their marriage bed, when their marriage is supposedly strong, when there is no intention of divorce or concluding the relationship. When the only intention is--to get a piece.

J is a SERIAL CHEATER I just happened to get dooped into it.

As for the men at your work...it kind of reminds me of what I like to call Dirty Ranchero Bob's. Ok, I'm Mexican and all....but damn! I hate the mexican guys who roll around in their pick up trucks with six people in the cab...when it can only hold 3 and they stick their heads out the window (sticking their heads out....or forced to because of the lack of room???) and make kissy sounds and lick their lips.....

You - my dear - work with DIRTY RANCHERO BOB's!!! Just don't look their way and keep walking....bastards...ew.

OH MY GAWD, EM!!!

Where I live, we have lots of immigrant workers. The problem is, down South here, we have the tendency to look people in the eye and smile "real friendly like". ROFL. I found out as a teenager that this is considered "brazen" in some cultures. ROFLMAO.

So, where I used to look a lot of the immigrant fellas in the eye while coming across them in grocery store parking lots, I have to fight the urge to look up and smile. (It's hard!!) I don't want to encourage hope where there isn't any. He he he.

DBRs! Oh my god. ROFL.

Love,
Happy

I used to hate walking down the street in my home town...that would always happen as they drove by...I HATED those stupid cowboy hats and Bull/Cow decals on the side of their trucks....and I bet they are all married with 800 babies...running around with dirty dipers. Again, I'm mexican...but there is a difference!!!

Lara.....stay away!! :D

Oh there was never even a temptation to hook it up with one of these fellas...and yeah, like I said, I'm the only female thing they see for eight hours, so I get the honor of the leers...lol...good thing I keep my sense of humor handy. And by the way, none of them go too far over the line...no touching, no lame pickup lines, just a lot of looking...a bit of the "honey" and "baby" names (yech...so sad to see)...but if it goes too far, I have NO PROBLEM whipping out the ****** and giving the Evil Eye...it tends to cool the flames of lust. (and quickly!)

EM: regarding being duped by a serial cheater...DO NOT feel bad, luv, been there, done that. Felt the guilt. And wondered--why do I feel more guilty then he does?

and Happy: "horny, ego-centered, slobbering pigs..." WELL PUT!! lol:D

Yeah. As much as I like to take the Taoist high road and believe that at the center of everyone is L-O-V-E the truth is some people's ego based thinking eclipses that love. ERGO - PIGS. He he he he.

Pigs pigs pigs.

Love,
Happy

PIGS

Doesn't that seem to explain so much!

PIGS - allegedly intelligent but never seem to rise above being HAM on Easter.

PIGS - love to root in sh**.

PIGS - eat sh**

PIGS - eat eat eat

PIGS - slobbering, selfish farm animals.

Ha ha ha ha.

Happy

You've got it Happy....I've dated a few of those!

I think you guys were way too lenient on me- you make it sound like I waited patiently for the all-clear. Well I did somewhat, but not totally! I knew my guy was leaving before his wife did, I even spent time with him at his house once when she was away with her kids for the weekend. She had no clue at this point- but nothing sexual happened. However it did heat up a month later, and he didn't file for divorce until a month after that. Not because he was unsure, but because of getting certain financial ducks in a row. Things were still a mess after he left so the waiting didn't actually help him, and during that intermittent month BOY did I feel like a HO! I knew he was leaving- but I was seeing him almost every day, and every day for a month seems like a long time when you're worried about getting played. I really wish our timing could have been better and not coincided with a nasty divorce but that's life I guess. He filed in October and by Christmas his wife was enjoying hot tub "parties" with her boss and that woman's husband- and ended up banging her husband. I don't think she ever loved my OM anyway, she was just after his money, and when his family business fell apart she picked up her bottle and unleashed the real beast she is. If he hadn't always cleaned up her messes she never would have stayed, but nobody's gonna want a 36 yr old gold digging drunk now. Except her boss' husband perhaps. So I messed up, I didn't hold off quite long enough, but I have a hard time feeling guilty when I think about his X. My karma is a tad soiled but my intentions were always PURE. :D

Alright, Duratura, you don't think we're tough enough? Maybe you need to be spanked a little for your misdeeds.
Actually, I cheated at my ex when I was married centuries ago, so who am I to condemn anyone? I'm hardly the moral authority that I try to act like.
I think most men are weak when it comes to the flesh. I don't think that I have found that great love of my life yet, but if I do, I doubt that I could resist temptation. I mean, if a gorgeous, curvaceous, sexy woman started touching me in strategic places, I don't think I could resist, even if I'm married and in love. It's a weakness and it's true that men think with their penis and not their head. I wouldn't go look for it, and I'd try to be faithful, but if it came my way, it'd be HARD to resist.
Of course, we expect our women to be loyal and proper. Maybe it's an Italian thing.......
Honestly, all these societal conventions, these dos or donts, who made them up?
Your situation is very understable and you are human, after all.
The guy was married to a lush and he probably waited too long to get rid of her, so you're ok. Not that it matters, but I absolve you of all your sins. :) AL.

AL! I promise you if you find the love of your life, no curvaceous hips or boomin' tatas are going to make you stray! And if you do, I hope the love of your life whomps your a**!;)

Happy

Originally posted by datura81
I think you guys were way too lenient on me

O.K. Datura! Then you're a home wrecking sl**! :p Just joshin'. We can't hold that against you because (1) we know how happy you are now and (2) we've all done things that may not be to the morally right side of the line. (giggles)

Love,
Happy

People make mistakes, and if your intensions were pure...there is no reason why we should be harsh....plus we know you (like happy said) and your too fabulous!!! :D

Awwww you guys.....thanks for loving this home-wrecking sl@t! Seriously though I am nice...but only to those who deserve it. Like everyone here! Except maybe AL- if you're really in love you wouldn't be trippin' over a nice body, and I believe that. If you're REALLY in love. Don't worry though I still like you, cuz you're Italian and all the European guys I've ever met are hopeless horn-dogs. :rolleyes:

cuz you're Italian and all the European guys I've ever met are hopeless horn-dogs.

I've heard the same thing!!!

Well, I was trying to be very honest by saying that for most guys is difficult to resist temptation, but I only cheated on my ex wife when I knew the marriage was over and I needed a push out the door.
Maybe I've never found true love, like in the movies where you hear music, or you literally walk on clouds. I do believe in fidelity, though, and prefer that someone leaves me before they go around cheating on me. I think it's the fair thing to do because nothing feels worse than that sense of betrayal that you get when someone is unfaithful. AL.
PS- Most Italian men are horny, but not all cheat.