Need some advice please

Dear all,

Just a few days ago I came across this wonderful site and spent many hours browsing through the discussions. I would like to tell you my story in short and ask for some advice. I am in an emotional fix.

I am 33 year old, married since nine years with a small daughter. For the past 4-5 years I have been deeply dissatisfied with my marriage, but could not leave because of my daughter and because I am financially dependent on my husband. We got married in extraordinary circumstances; we met and married in a religious cult. I don't know if any of you know what this involves, I can only say that since we got out (luckily!), our lives have been very difficult. We adapt to the outside world in a different way and with a different pace, and I feel that I will soon reach the point where my patience will be completely exhausted.

Three months ago, since my daughter was now big enough, I returned to college to complete my education and met there a wonderful man of 24. I am extremely attracted to him and I think that he is attracted to me too. We have very similar background, tastes, habits, etc. The coincidences are so many, he is exactly like me in so many ways but in a male form. I was twice in my life seriously in love, and this boy has the best qualities of both of my lovers. I just can't believe that I met somebody like that again and that I could fall in love again.

But....I am really trapped in my marriage and will be for the next few years, until I complete my education. He knows my situation very well. I just don't know what to do now. I am hesitant to approach him in "that" way, and can see that he is hesitant too. We flirt a lot at school, but he has never approached me after classes, except once in the beginning when he wanted to join me in the library for a couple of hours, but on the way to the library his cell phone rang and he had to leave. He has never made another attempt, even though he knows that I am free for a couple of hours after classes.

He is somebody I would love to get seriously involved with, he turns me on physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet I am very well aware that I can't risk to have an affair at this stage of my life, I simply can't afford to break my marriage now. At the same time, my heart breaks when I think that nothing is going to happen between us and I will miss this great chance to love and be loved and I think that I deserve some love too, like any other human being.

I lack all the answers for you. Can only say what I would do, if it were me. And if it were me, it would be hard to follow my own advice. I also grew up in a religion that some say has many cult-like qualities and I married for less than romantic reasons, myself. After 30 years, that marriage ended. I was also in college and dependent. I found a young man I was very attracted to and he was not the cause of the end of my marriage (which was emotionaly and physically abusive), but he gave me more incentive and courage. I was hungery for love, like you are, no doubt. But I did wait until it was feasible to leave my marriage and I asked for the divorce before getting intimate with my YM. I felt the two things had to be separate. I ended up with almost three years with my YM. The first two marvelous, the last 8 months painful. I have learned that no matter how much you think there is only one or so men that you can love....there are others. If it would be disastorous to leave your marriage now, you know the answer already. Getting involved with the guy now will force things to end sooner than you can afford. And even if your husband is not particularly nice, it is a bad thing to cheat on him. Promises were made, no matter if the marriage was made under bad circumstances. Treat him with honor, set an example for your child and leave when the time is right. Trust the right man will be there for you when the timing is better. Or get involved now and watch things crumble all around you. Good luck

You are going to college, raising a daughter and have a husband. If you add a boyfriend your life will become more complicated than you can imagine. You risk your grades suffering, your husband finding out and your daughter being hurt by being in the middle of all that.
You cannot know if you have a great love just by the flirting phase. Don't risk your plans for a new life by muddling up your current life. It is very wrong to do that to your husband as well. What goes around in life, comes around. I hope you will reconsider and quit flirting (with disaster).

Thank you, Softrose, for your kind words and understanding. What you write makes perfect sense and I have been thinking more or less along the same lines, though not so clearly. My husband is not physically abusive but has let me down terribly, even by the cult's standards. No need to go into details, and while things are much better now for the past half a year, I feel that he changed too late and a lot of the damage he did is irreparable. I made up mind to leave when I can afford it just before I started college because my husband refused to use contraceptives (for religious and cult reasons). I told him very clearly such rules from 1000 years ago may ruin everything between us. He doesn't seem to care. Or he does, but doesn't want to admit it. I know that after many months of me begging and pleading and crying he will agree to do it but only for my sake, again. But I don't want to be humiliated in this way anymore, I don't want to be driven to tears and despair for something for something so important and fundamental to a relationship.

Yet I know that cheating on him will be bad, he almost did it once with my best friend and I know very well how that feels. I also don't want to hurt my daughter, I am from a broken family myself and I know from experience how hellish can a divorce be for the children. I am also aware that I may be too needy at the moment and may see more in my YM attention to me than is there. But I can't stop playing with the thought that maybe I can have it all, stay married, have an affair and study. I and this YM are from the same Meditarranean country and to meet somebody here in Northern Europe who is not only extremely attractive but has also grown up in the same culture and breathed the same air....I don't know, maybe it is my cultish mentality which makes me think that this is something preordained and arranged by higher powers.

Anyway, sorry for rambling and thank you very much for listening and writing to me. Your post confirmed what I already knew deep inside but didn't want to admit to myself. I guess I will try to just stay friends for the remainder of the course; in three months he and I will take up other, different courses and probably will not see each other again.