General Question / Rant

Well, one of my best friends in the whole world just really bummed me out with her opinion of my relationship with B. It makes me sad that she's thinking this way or that she's not *really* happy for me.

We were originally talking about HER realtionship(ish) with a fella that's been having a hard time over the past five years making up his mind about whether he wants to be with her or not. We talked about that and I felt I was honest, but supportive.

Then, we started talking about my relationship and . . .well, she just doesn't think it's a "real" thing. Her opinion is that I am going to change my mind about having children (I intend to remain childless); that I should just hang out with him until I feel like getting married again (ahem...there are some things she DOESN'T know) and then marry someone my own age. She was trying to drive her point home by saying that even in ten years, I still won't have hit 40 and that he will be 63. She went on to say that she was happy that I was happy at the moment, but wondered, out loud, how long I would stay with him.

I asked her, though, what was better - me "settling" for a guy my age; maybe staying in misery (like I was with my ex-husband, who WAS my age) or mediocrity with someone because he's my age -OR- that I was with a man, who is perfect for me, and maybe only HAVE ten or fifteen years to enjoy him? I also brought up that just because a man is young, that doesn't guarantee that he has tomorrow to live. He could get hit by a bus any day. . .none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

(sigh) She said it was just something for me to think about. Well, heck, I think about that more than I should in the first place. I try NOT to think about ten years down the road; I try not to think about that my mom, dad and honey's health all might start to deteriorate at once. I try not to wonder what will happen if, in ten years, he gets cancer or something. He can't stand to be sick and has DEMANDED that if he is ever in that kind of condition, that we do nothing (chemo or something) and just let him live with a higher quality of life rather than dying over a long period of time. Of COURSE I think about that.

But what I also think about is how happy we make each other, in the PRESENT moment. I think about how much I learn from him; I think about the amazing amount of love he has shown me; I think about how kind and loving he is to me and that's worth more to me than anything on this earth.

He is more suited for me than anyone I have ever met. EVERYTHING about him is perfect for me. So, according to her mind-set, I should be like "Well, you are perfect but I have to turn you down because you are 24 years older than me." I know she's only saying that out of love and concern for me, but I am SO happy; I am SO loved and I am treated SO well by my man. I don't WANT anyone else.

The whole time I was with my ex, I constantly wondered what else was out there. As much as my ex's hands wandered, my EYES and MIND wandered just as much. With B, my eyes are no where except on HIM. My mind, my eyes, my hands are on no one else but him.

I can't make her understand (- and I'm really not going to try anymore -) how much I truly, honestly love B. Everyone who knows about it in my office won't touch the subject with a ten foot pole. No one (except the 21 year old runner who IS interested in conversation about him :) ) is remotely interested. I've become the "wayward child" in my office.

I am so glad that you guys are all here so that I can remember (daily!) that there are people out there making this work. My love for B may be uncoventional, but I know he loves me and I am secure in my love for him.

My friend said (about B) "Boy, he's got it made. I mean, 53 years old with a cute 28 year old blonde on his arm. . ." (I'm a totally fake blonde. My hair is naturally rather dark, but believe it or not, I look better blonde)

Maybe he IS lucky to have me. I'm dedicated, loyal and ready to be loved. But I think I'm lucky - lucky enough to have a brain/heart to know love when it comes knocking and NOT turn it away.

Sigh - just rambling. Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.

Happy

Oh, Happy...your friend isn't being a very good friend.

What I know of this: my best friend and I hold nothing back. Sometimes we want to, and the other will call a bullsh!t alert. If I feel she is holding back because she has to say something I might not like, well, I tell her to spit it. And she does. Gives it to me straight, but with compassion and love.

When I first met the OM...I was soooo silly/giddy. And she was right there, relishing every happy/giddy moment with me. I was the one who said, "But he's __ years old!" And she was the one who said, "So? You sound happier than I've heard you in years...GO FOR IT!!"

Your "friend" strikes me as being...hmmmm. Jealous of your happiness? Maybe. But definately unable to get past her own personal prejudices. Even if her intentions ARE good...her delivery sucks!

You are there...you live this relationship...she needs to understand, that every question that could be asked, you have most likely mulled over already, and come to your own conclusion.

And--she needs to share in your joy. For friends are not only our leaning-posts of support in times of need, they are also our celebration-companions!!

Ask her to suspend her disbelief and just be happy for you!! If she is willing to try, then maybe she just doesn't know how silly the things she says are. And if she cannot be happy for you?

wellllll....you need to consider why she is not able to be happy when you are happy, and support you in your joy as well as your trials.

Originally posted by larasteele
Oh, Happy...your friend isn't being a very good friend.
When I first met the OM...I was soooo silly/giddy. And she was right there, relishing every happy/giddy moment with me. I was the one who said, "But he's 51 years old!" And she was the one who said, "So? You sound happier than I've heard you in years...GO FOR IT!!"

I guess that's what I wanted & expected to hear from her; so I was kind of surprised when something else came out!

Your "friend" strikes me as being...hmmmm. Jealous of your happiness? Maybe. But definately unable to get past her own personal prejudices. Even if her intentions ARE good...her delivery sucks!

THAT, my friend, is something B has mentioned to me before about her. He has taken some things she has said to me differently than I did and he thinks the same thing. I hope that's not the case - but he has said it and now YOU are saying it. He literally WARNED me to reign in some of my elation about us because some people, even people you wouldn't suspect - will try to undermine happiness. Sometimes it's subconcious, sometimes it's deliberate.

I don't know why I let these things bother me. I just hate not having anyone thinking this relationship will make it. You all do me a world of good. You know where I am, you know what it's like. And having that understanding (and the fact that you guys don't treat me like an alien in regards to my relationship) means TONS to me.

Thanks.

Hug,
Happy

Originally posted by Happy4Me
(and the fact that you guys don't treat me like an alien in regards to my relationship)

we'll just treat you like an alien in regards to everything else you do!:p

seriously, B is right. There are happiness-wreckers out there. They do it unconsciously, some--yes. Or they do it for spite. Or jealousy. Who knows?

What you need to know is this: DON'T LET THEM SUCCEED.

I believe in you being wise, and wonderful, and the best judge of what is right for you, what works for you.

And I know that you and B are going to be just fine! It'll be tough at times--sure. But life would be boring without the challenge.

(oh wait....I want boring!! Stop making it so hard, Goddess!! lol)

As time goes by, also, you will find that your friends will either be there for you, and believe in you...or you will one day look around and there will be a whole new set of friends, and they will be the loving support you need...the Negetive Nancys will have fallen to the wayside.

keep smiling, Happy!! and I'm smiling for you too.

Well looks like SOMEONE'S not invited to the wedding! I will never understand this phenomenon of human behavior. If you're not doing something similar to what another person's doing, they'll urge you to do what they're doing. I guess it must stem from them not wanting to be "wrong" or missing out on something. Tell your friend you understand where she's coming from, and you don't expect her to understand where you're coming from, BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER BEEN THERE. But do reassure her that where you're coming from is a great place, you're very happy, and you've learned a lot from your relationship. If she can't zip it beyond that, then she's not looking out for your future interest. I struggle with my friends as well, and I'm willing to accept that some people are really bad at putting themselves in others' shoes. I try not to hold it against them, although it does lead to interesting discussion. :)

Happy...

As it pains me to say thing (because I was once upon a time in a similar boat) I say SCREW HER! Seriously, if this gal is a so called "friend" then she must have seen your trails and tribulations that went on with the first marriage. Seeing and knowing what happened with hubby number one...why in the HELL would she try and tear you from happiness? People can be sick, it could be because of jealousy, because of spite because they are so damn unhappy in life that they need the company in their personal hell and they've chosen you to come along for the ride. Rise above it, don't let her have the satisfaction of bringing you down.

My ex roomie (the one that used to work for D) up and moved out one weekend that I was visiting my mom. She didn't say boo to me when she came to pick up the remainder of her belongings. She did state - to a mutual friend - that she felt my (at the time 'friendship') with D was disgusting, gross and stupid. This coming from a girl who is still in love with her ex, they have been broken up for two years, she still obsesses over him, tells stories to people about how he calls her and tells her he still loves her and blah blah blah. Yeah, he used to come over and visit....TO GET SOME ***! And that's about it. She swore up and down that they were getting back together and after two years, he hasn't been with another woman.....WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE DUMBASS! One day she was rambling on and on about him, and (like lara_steel and her best friend) I was brutally honest with her and told her that she needs to get over it and live in the now. She got very upset - alas the down fall of our friendship began. I saw her not too long ago, she's gained wait...I hear from depression. I've gained wait...out of happiness...there is a big difference. I've tried to be the bigger person, sending her email and telling her that I miss her friendship and wish she could be happy for me. Never heard from her...so to reinstate my original reason for posting...

SCREW HER!

You live your life...happily :D

OH LORD! I didn't go to work today because I've got a stomach bug. (Ewww) And I'm sorry I missed the hub-bub with everyone.

Datura, Lara, Em - you guys ROCK. It's fun to hear from you guys. I really appreciate all of the love and support I recieve from all of you. I am so glad you guys are my friends!:D Because, really, I am NOT getting the understanding I feel I should be getting out here in ol' South Cakalacky (S.C.)

Thanks guys.

SCREW HER. ROFLMAO.

Hap

Hey Happy....

We all have friends like that... and i agree with L... she was just trying to be a good friend and make you think.... but if you're happy... go for it!!! and you know what? live your life! it's all one day at a time... of course you do have to think about the future and what it will bring (especially the 'to have or have not' talk about children)... but nothing is concrete. Think about it, but keep it in the abstract. You sound like you know what you're doing, and you sound as if you're in a loving relationship (how's that for overgeneralizing something i know NOTHING about?? lol)... so if it feels right for you, and you love him and you feel in your heart that he loves you as well... then it really shouldn't matter what she thinks....

I met my love online, and my housemate takes it upon herself to get on my screenname almost daily and give him the third degree about his intentions, stating her distrust of him and trying to make sure he won't hurt me... so we all have those experiences... but if and when we follow our hearts, we know what's right and best for ourselves.... as long as we don't allow love to blind us and we can communicate well and about anything with our lovers, what our friends think of our relationships are tangential and should not dictate who we are and how we feel.

Happy..... #1 they aren't "really" your friends.... Although If they are just telling you there thoughts than that's ok...but Ulitimatly they need to RESPECT your feelings and stand by you no matter what they think......


Lucky... Your housemate is not your friend... and If I had a friend doing that to me I would put her A$$ on the pavement!!

:-)

MerA.....


Believe me.... she's gotten more than a few pieces of my mind for it lol.... but overall, she really does have the best of intentions.... i've been hurt really badly in the past and she was there to see and experience most of it with me.... it's all precaution on her part to make sure something like that doesn't happen again.... and the best part of it all? He still loves me even though she give him heck!

Happy:

Sure sounds like you have your stuff together...logical, reasonable...and yet loving.

I know for me, the age issue was the only real obstacle, and I had the same approach as you....If she were 41 instead of 21, would there be any hesitation. Not at all!!!! So I had to grow up a bit...and move forward. I am sooo glad that i did.

I am finding that this process of loving someone not in your are group really separates your 'friends'. Some people that you thought were close to you...really are not. Better to learn that now than later. A true friend will not care about the age...only about your wellbeing.

There are times that I just feel lucky having found my lover. ;-)

Irishkid

Life is short and we all need to live in the present and grab happiness when we can. I have to admit that my guy does not fit the "image" externally of who I thought I would date, but internally he surpasses my "image" which has made him more and more attractive to me with each passing day.

I don't think friends' attitudes necessarily indicate whether they are really your "friend." Personally, I think it's more of a maturity issue and your perspective on life depending on your own experiences.

~Morgaine

Hey..how old are you?

I know for me, the age issue was the only real obstacle, and I had the same approach as you....If she were 41 instead of 21, would there be any hesitation. Not at all!!!! So I had to grow up a bit...and move forward. I am sooo glad that i did.

Why can't all OM think this way! You wanna come talk to D? lol

EM

I'm 47 and enjoying every day.....

As for D.....not a prob...have him contact me. ;-) Twould be my pleasure...and ultimately yours....lol

IrishKid

Thanks guys! Really, everything every one of you said was true. (I haven't been on the board in DAYS. Sick at home and B's computer is s-l-o-w. I missed you guys!!!)

Really, though, I really should remember that my g-friend here doesn't understand the first thing about being passionately and truly in love with someone; loving someone so much that you overlook any silly obstacle such as age.

And you know what I've noticed on this board? Most of us are very "present" oriented people! Living in the present and accepting what "is" is one of the best ways to live your life. It's so much better than dwelling on the past or looking too much to the future! Very Eckhart Tolle! I'm proud and impressed with us all! ROFL.

Nice to be back.

Love,
Happy

Glad to have you back! Do you have an update with your friend?

Not really. She's just in her own little world. She REALLY thinks that B & I are a "temporary" thing! (sigh) Little does she know! Ha ha ha ha! It's really too bad that I can't make her understand how wonderful my life is now. But that's just too bad for her. I doubt she will EVER come around. She has had MUCH less life experience than I (I moved away from my parents at 17; she moved out at 25 / I've been married; she hasn't had a serious boyfriend in 5 years, etc.) and is focused on "criteria" rather than how one feels about a person.

I'm just lucky to have B and to also have "met" you guys through this board!

Thanks!

Happy

If she is a "true" friend she will get over it....... you do what makes you happy that's all that counts...

Originally posted by IrishKid
Happy:

Sure sounds like you have your stuff together...logical, reasonable...and yet loving. Irishkid

Yeah! Yeah! That's me! (glowing)
ROFLMAO! I am COMPLETELY logical unless I'm losing an argument. ROFL. Then I r-e-a-c-h.

So glad that there are people out there like B and yourself who will look past something as so damn silly as a number.

Even B was a little nervous at first! When I first met him, I thought he was mid-thirties. We dated for a little while and I liked him so much that I SWEAR asking him his age NEVER crossed my mind! Then, I overheard one of the guys in my kung fu class say that he was 49. THEN after I met his younger children, they told me he was 50. I was like "You are 50 years old and didn't tell me?" - not that it mattered at that point. I was already head over heels. He was like, "Well... you never asked. Besides, I don't quite feel ready for the AARP. And I'm not quite 50, either."

He's 53. And I do NOT care. He is in better physical shape than almost any man I've ever met; he is far more emotionally stable than any man I know my age and he and I share so damn much. I would be a FOOL to send him packing because his age "scared" me a little.

Love is love and I am so happy that I have it!

Happy

Originally posted by Happy4Me


He's 53. And I do NOT care. [/B]





THERE YOU GO!!!! You have answered all your questions....... This is ALLLLLL that matters :-) Mer

Happy...sorry to hear about your friend's opinion. I'm sure she didn't realize how it would affect you. I have a friend like that too. I've always wondered why she just couldn't be happy for me. Why she couldn't put her thoughts on the matter away long enough to see that things were great and that I was happy. Maybe they want to protect you from possibly getting hurt. Maybe they envy us being bold and going after what we want regardless of society's standards. Maybe because it sets us apart from them. Who knows?

But WE do support you and we are HAPPY for you!

Originally posted by twiggy
But WE do support you and we are HAPPY for you!

That is an increasingly reassuring part of my day! I am so glad I "know" you all! :p :p :p

Love,
Happy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Happy4Me
[B]That is an increasingly reassuring part of my day! I am so glad I "know" you all! :p :p :p



Happy we are glad to "know" you to...

Love
Mer

Hugs all around :)