YM/OM Dynamic

I need help understanding the younger woman/older man dynamic. I can easily see the attractiveness of the older man to the younger woman if he doesn’t think he is older in his mind nor looks it. What interests me is the younger woman’s desires for him and in this case me especially when there is a big age difference, say in the range of 17 to as much as 28 years on one occasion. Yea I was 50 and a 22 year old woman became infatuated with me and tried hard to get me to notice her. Let me say up front that I am married but not happily a lot of the time due to a psychological problem my wife has called Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. Its something she refuses to deal with by seeing a professional.

I do not consider myself good looking although I am fit, work out regularly and do look much younger. I color away some of the gray hairs. These experiences have occurred in the work place of course since I do not seek them elsewhere. I will admit that their flirtations are a powerful force that at times has me responding favorable to them and adding my own fuel to the fire. Hey it sometimes sets my heart on fire! Nothing, however has led to any type of sexual contact and being married seems to limit how far they will go with their feelings causing a yo yo of emotions. Except in one case it involved women that I did have a leadership role or where I had a higher position but not direct authority over. I can not explain this, but except in the current case, they all have left the place I worked soon after for reasons that have nothing to do with me like a spouses transfer, changing careers, getting laid-off because of the economy, going back to college in the case of a summer intern many years ago or getting a better job.

The latest case involves some one I work with now who is 24 years younger. She is somewhat shy, sits in an isolated location and is older for someone in her beginner job classification which must make her feel awkward at times. I do like her personally very much as she has many qualities I deeply admire. The way we became friendly is in a way fitting of a sketch on the Man Show. She did not acknowledge me much until one day as she was standing at a copy machine and as I was quickly walking by, someone came the other way and shifted into my path at the last second. I instinctively moved toward the copy machine where she was standing and in passing my hand flew out and rubbed firmly, gently and romantically across her entire tusch. As I turned to apologize my boss called to me. I said wait and turned toward her but she was gone. She was involved in meetings the rest of the day.

The next day as I was arriving at work, she arrived at the same time, waited as I got out of the car and stated a really friendly conversation with me. I forgot about the apology because she was dramatically friendlier to me after that. Perhaps she knew it was an accident or perhaps not. Then shortly after that, we started working on the same project together and have grown much closer. I have mentored her extensively and tried to cut through the shyness. I’m the only one who openly acts like her friend. On impulse once after she started becoming friendly and while working with her, in the course of working with her I sometimes touched her again but in much better places. I’ve kept that sparing and compassionate while she has never shown any objection. I have not been like this with anyone else so I guess now I’ve finally lost it. There seems to be this familiar yo yo push and pull once in a while. Perhaps her feelings keep bumping into the invisible wall.

I’ve wished time and time again to have some insight into what is going in the thoughts of these younger women, their feelings and motivations and needs in general and in particular with the woman I refer to above. Does anyone have any insight into this?

Ace

Ace, two perspectives for you:

(1) At age 17, I was infatuated with an "older man". He was 32, had NO morals (I was unaware of that at the time) and was a holy terror to me. I was naive, 17 and very pretty at the time. Boys my age were too intimidated to ask me out (I find that hard to believe, but that was the general consensus) and he was the only MAN who had really paid attention to me. He was my manager at my 1st job; not particularly attractive, but very charismatic. He would play this cat and mouse game where he would let me know how much he desired me; then back off because "Oh! This is wrong!" and then come back to me because he "couldn't help himself." Ohhh, to know then what I know now. Anyway, he was an ego-driven pig out to collect as many bed-post notches as he could. I thought I was in love with him. I liked it that he would take me out to places where boys my age couldn't. He had money to throw around. It was all very dramatic and exciting. I was intoxicated that a MAN; a real, live 32 year old MAN would choose me over the scads of women throwing themselves at him. (F.Y.I. I was a total moron. He was the ORIGINAL "Player.")

(2) Fast forward to now - I just got out of a ten year relationship (some of which was spent married) and I have found my true sould mate. Honestly, the love of my life. I have never loved anyone with the selfless, joyus love that I feel for him. It has nothing to do with his age. He is 24 years older than I am and that is the LAST thing on the list that I think about when pondering our relationship. Yeah, he looks a lot younger than 53. He is in wonderful shape and just a sexy, sexy man. The only thing that I particularly LIKE about the fact that he is older has less to do with the number of his age and more with the fact that he has more life experience than men my age and has quit horsing around. He and I are ready for the same things in our lives: peace and happiness. He IS my peace (I could make a crude joke here, but I won't ;) ) He has had two wives - dumped one and BEEN dumped by the other. He has had enough drama and trials to last a lifetime. So have I.

So I love MY older man because he is who he is. Not because he's 53.

Happy

Aceman, Aceman, Aceman...

I would like to direct you to the post in Chit Chat--married and cheating. We've discussed this issue. And been DISGUSTED by it.

Perhaps I'm on the wrong track here...but you mention that this has happened before, this YW/OM attraction-at-work thing.

You are married. However unhappily, you are Married! And this concerns me much more than your need for advice regarding the "insides of young women's heads..."

You make no mention of your marriage other than in passing. This is...well, it raises my brows. What are you going to do about your marriage? Are you trying to fix it? Do you want out? You make no mention of your intentions, your wants, your hopes for your marriage.

I smell....a pig?

Please tell me I'm wrong. Explain why your "problem" that you wish to get help for is this extra-maritial attraction, with its' age-gap issue, and not the marriage. Because until I have more information, I cannot help you. I fear encouraging a bad situation.

Hi Aceman! I can't speak for anyone else but I am attracted to my OM for several reasons. I am divorced from a very immature man and I find most men my age and even into their mid to late 30's are vey immature and are only looking for the next piece of A**. Many of the good ones are already taken. Some one older usually has sewn his wild oats and as Happy said has had enough drama to last him the rest of his life. In my case, it started out as a crush-he is vey attractive and sexy. Then I spent more time with him and despite our age diff. (27 years) we still have lots to talk about and much in common that we can do together. That is why I am attracted to him. Hope that helps! Good luck with your situation.

B

Aceman,

Just an addendum to my last reply. I was explaining my attraction to an OM but in no way do I condone cheating on a spouse no matter how bad the marriage is. Cheating does more harm than good- speaking form experience here. Enough of that. Good luck working through everything.

B

Uh, Aceman. Baby. Bobby. Bubby. You ARE cheating, you do realize this, right? I ain't gonna read you the riot act, because I met my OM at work. But he was already on his way to divorce court when I came into the picture, because his wife was an alcoholic that terrorized both her kids and him when she was drunk. I don't know your situation, but if you are no longer happy with your wife, either leave or try to remedy the problem. If she really refuses to seek help, and is impossible to live with, then I suggest you leave. If she's willing to try counseling then I suggest you find whatever it was you "lost" when you started feeling up your co-worker and cut that shit out. Anything is better than cheating. I think you know this. P.S. If you're taking cues from the Man Show on interpersonal communications, you're hopeless anyway. :rolleyes:

Yep Cheating it is...... You need to first figure out your "wife" issue..... Whether or not another woman or whatever... Your wife no matter what deserves the truth.....If it's a problem she has why don't you talk to her and offer her help and then if she doesn't want it then maybe you need to walk on the relationship......

AND ONLY THEN should you even consider......

I love my OM but I don't see his age... so there is no FASCINATION to hiim becaues of that ... it's just a woman in love with a man...

I probably sounded like an awful person. I try my best. I do like the emotional connection that has come with these relationships however I would not and have never let anything go too far as romantic is cheating. No matter what I feel, I keep the outward things in check as much as possible (I wasn’t perfect about it) internalizing my strongest feelings and work to stay just friends. You can accurately say there is a void to fill emotionally.

As far as the relationship with my wife I have been in a support group for three years for people who have a spouse or significant other with bpd. It’s the kind of disorder that makes a person emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive and then revert back again to being loving and kind like nothing ever happened. In a relationship with a person like this its either too good to leave or to too bad to stay. This personality type was illustrated in the movie Good Will Hunting and in a composite fashion in the movie Girl Interrupted. Books written about it give insight just from their titles like “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” for those with the disorder and “Stop Walking on Eggshells” for those close to someone with it. It is a very difficult type of thing to understand as most people with this disorder project a public image of normalcy saving the craziness for those closest. That makes it more difficult for those who want to leave as it no one would believe how bad it can be unless they had been there themselves. Therapy is difficult and seldom works as the person with it lives in a world of denial about it. If it were bad all the time it would be an easy decision about what to do as it is I stand conflicted.

Ace

Aceman....

I have to agree with Laura....Finish with the one you are in...before you get into the next one. Your emotional involvement at work is going to bring you headaches you can not imagine. If you can not make the marriage work, end it...and move it. It will allow her the opportunity to find a better match...as well as you.

When you are starved for attention, anything looks good. You really dont want to find yourself in a realtionship same age or not for the wrong reasons.

Best of luck on your search for answers. I think you should get that attorney now...

;-)

I realize I have serious domestic issues to deal with but still I am curious about desires directed my way from much younger women who I have little interaction with and where I could not have done something to trigger that kind of reaction.

Ace

"I instinctively moved toward the copy machine where she was standing and in passing my hand flew out and rubbed firmly, gently and romantically across her entire tusch." (#1)

".......On impulse once after she started becoming friendly and while working with her, in the course of working with her I sometimes touched her again but in much better places." (#2)

"....but still I am curious about desires directed my way from much younger women who I have little interaction with and where I could not have done something to trigger that kind of reaction." (#3)

Yuk.

1. Think you need to see a doctor about the obvious disconnect between your brain and your hand.

2. I have the names of some lawyers that a) your wife could sure use, and b) your co-worker could sure use.

3. I have the names of some therapists that may be able to help you understand the meaning of taking responsibility for your own actions.

Gillian

ROFLMAO Gillian! Oh my! I can't breathe. (Gasps for air!) Oh LORD I wonder what I missed by being home sick from work today!

Happy

Yea, yea. Gillian hit the nail on the head. Bad marriage or not, none of this behavior is appropriate, especially in the workplace. Like I said, the Man Show will do that to ya......:rolleyes:

Isn’t there someone missing form this storm of criticism?

and joins the fray.

So, Aceman...you feel we are too harsh?

Our point is this: you have to deal with one problem at a time. Your "domestic situation" (MARRIAGE) comes first. Why? Not because you are bad or evil and should be drummed out of society for being attracted to other women--but because it CONFUSES the issue. You have a marriage, you have ambivalent feelings about the marriage--THAT affects EVERYTHING! If you were happily married, attractions to other women either wouldn't happen, or they would occupy less of your mind space.

Clean your plate. Clear up your life--and you may, just MAY, be completely surprised at the clarity this brings to other areas of your life!

I think the answer to lies in divorce, unfortunately. My deepest but hidden feelings for my friend and her desire for friendship, among a lot of other issues that have nothing to do with her has highlighted how different it could be. I will work on that.

Ace:

Sometimes it is hard to be honest with ourselves. Once we have that breakthough...we see much clearer. If it's just mid-life hitting you...there are worse reactions. Just take them one at a time and see if the fog lifts and the answer become self evident.

Best of luck


IrishKid

Originally posted by larasteele
and joins the fray.

So, Aceman...you feel we are too harsh?

Our point is this: you have to deal with one problem at a time. Your "domestic situation" (MARRIAGE) comes first. Why? Not because you are bad or evil and should be drummed out of society for being attracted to other women--but because it CONFUSES the issue. You have a marriage, you have ambivalent feelings about the marriage--THAT affects EVERYTHING! If you were happily married, attractions to other women either wouldn't happen, or they would occupy less of your mind space.

Clean your plate. Clear up your life--and you may, just MAY, be completely surprised at the clarity this brings to other areas of your life!

What she said!

No, seriously, Ace - just because you don't like what you are hearing doesn't mean that we are trying to beat you down. This is a VERY honest bunch of people and Lara, I think, has said it best.

Don't feel criticized, just accept the fact that this is how most of us feel and if you don't like the comments and opinions you are getting, don't worry about it!! We TRY to be tactful here, but most of us don't soft petal our discussions.

Hope things go better for you.

Happy

Ace..... sometimes words you don't want to hear sounds harsh... If you ask us a question we are going to answer it as honestly as possible..... We wouldn't be helping ANYONE if we were brutally honest right?????

You need to concentrate on your marriage whether it's working it out or divorcing COMPLETELY first!!!!!

Then and Then ONLY can you even consider another... It's not fair to the YW or to expecially your wife..... No matter what when you are married even if it's not happily you both have sacrificed thousands of things for each other and She deserves that!!!!


mer