A 16yr old, 38yr old, some parents, and a ‘break’

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"He is someone who finds something he believes in and goes for it 100%"


umm...have you thought about what exactly it is he wants?

i know this is an age-gap forum but i'd highly recommend that you wait to have such a relationship until you are at least 18.

since you are under age, i dont think many people will be very keen on giving you advice as how to manage your age-gap relationship. in my opinion, i dont even think the real issue here is the age-gap or whether or not you should tell your parents.....i think you should take a step back and look at his and your reasons for wanting this to go further.

just my two cents.

The questions that are being asked are valid but we don't live in an extremely tolerant country.

This guy has to be extremely naive, or he has to have an ulterior motive for flirting with a long prison term.

After you've reached 18 you can date or marry anyone over 18 on the planet. But, right now...your relationship is dangerous!

If he can't wait until after your 18th birthday to see you, this may not be the one.

I have worked with people who met their significant other extremely young. And waited 4 even 6 years, to begin thinking about dating. These relationships are very rare but anything is possible when it's really destined.

The heart can make us do things that we will regret until we die.


No one can tell you what to do, but be careful.

The girl inside of you, will deeply effect the woman that you will become.

Originally posted by OrpheusdeCocao


The girl inside of you, will deeply effect the woman that you will become.

^This is a really great line, and I think you should really think about it and take it to heart.

I understand what it's like to be 16, I was only there a couple years ago... but I can tell you, things can change A LOT in those few years that you might wait to get a wider perspective of the world. I can honestly say I haven't changed much since I was 16 since pretty much always been surrounded by people who are much older than me and I relate better to them...but since we aren't aware of what your entire situation is, I suppose we can't completely understand the nature of your relationship. Although, I really question and doubt the intentions of a 38 year old going after a 16 year old.

I hope you don't get offended at any of the things I'm saying. You're coming to us for advice and we're going to give you that objective, honest point of view that you may not WANT to hear, but NEED to hear. I guess all I can really say is that I hope you make the right decision. But, Whatever decision you do make I can only hope that, in retrospect, it is one you do not regret.

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Yeah, the age of consent in the UK is 16, so the couple here are absolutely free to have sex if they want. I think the previous posters just assumed they were in the US. However, if you wanted to get married, I think you need your parents' permission until you're 18, but that's not the situation you're in anyway.

Beyond it being legal, I'm not too sure what advice to give. On the one hand it's better not to tell your parents until you're sure that you really do want to be with this guy. On the other, it's better to tell your parents what you're doing, particularly if you still live at home and it's difficult to see him without their finding out.

However, I get the impression that you really are having questions about this man. Ask him what he wants out of this, and tell him about the problems you're having with telling your parents. Even if you do choose to tell your parents, they're at the very least going to ask you a lot of questions that you maybe don't know the answers to yet. Put yourself in your parents' shoes and ask your boyfriend the things they're going to ask you. If you're not satisfied, then they won't be.

Have a better one!

Fiona

I was worried about replying to you at first, blu ewe , because of your age. Yes, I am in the USA and yes, sixteen is a dicey/questionable age for such matters.

As to whether or not it was a question of your maturity--it is not. Most people on here recognize that we all as people mature at different rates. After all, on the other side of the board, younger men praise older women for their maturity, and vice versa--older women usually praise the maturity of the young men they have found. Same carries over to this side--many of the younger women here were looking for, and found, more mature men because they can relate better to a more mature individual.

So, no, its not so much a question of your maturity.

However...bear with me while I do voice some concerns for you.

1.) You have kept your parents in the dark. I know a bit of what this is like...I had many things I kept my parents in the dark about. But part of growing up is being responsible enough, and concise enough, to state our choices to our parents, and to defend those choices when they come under fire from the heat of parental concern and criticism.

My question--for you alone if you choose to keep your musings private--Why? Examine your reasons for not telling your parents. These answers will tell you much about yourself.

2.) You are young. Again, I realize than certain people are more ready for life-changing choices at an earlier age. However, I strongly believe that people need to find themselves--to "meet themselves," if you will. Get to know you. What do you want in life? What do you want in love and relationships? What do you dream of and hope for and want to make true in your life? Getting to know yourself is a life-long process I think...I get to know myself a little bit more each day, through the things I experince and the choices I make...my reactions to events, etc.

3.) Your male friend. Wooo-wee, where to start here. I have nothing against older men--obviously. However, while good men come in all ages, so do horrible men. Men who use, abuse, are incapable of love, incapable of commitment, want only ONE THING...I quote a lovely young lady on here who is learning the hard way--"just because he is older doesn't make him nice."

I'll stop here before I turn into a dowager, spouting horror story after horror story.

My basic point? It all comes back to you. And boy, it isn't easy. LOVE!! What a pain in the ***!! It spins your head, turns your stomach into a mass of butterflies, overwhelms your senses...short-circuits your brain. So many of us "fall in love with love" And why not? Love is grand, after all. Just realize that a lot of what you feel and think and think you want right now is a direct result of emotional, and hormonal, and sensual overload. Love!! It makes fools of us all.

I believe taking a break is an excellent rememdy for you. Take time for yourself. Walk in the park, in the woods...meditate. Journal...yes, yes, JOURNAL! Nothing works so well for me as to write down every inconsequential thought that comes into my head...so I can look at it and see it again. Get your thoughts out, one at a time, examine them completely, and you may have a better idea what it is you both WANT, and, more importantly, NEED.

okay, apologies for the ramble...just had so much to say to you.

Hope it helps, in some small way.

:)

Hey Blu....

First of all, i'd like to say that it took guts for you to come here with your question knowing that people would think that just because you're 16 it wouldn't be as 'serious'. So i'm glad you feel comfortable coming and seeking help instead of just trying to deal with such tough issues by yourself.

Secondly.... i was in an extremely similar situation as you when i was 17 and it taught me a lot. I do not think that just because you are 'underage' your feelings aren't valid. I do, however, know from experience that waiting until you grow out of your 'teen angst' phase a little (not that i'm saying you're necessarily in it... but it's something we all go through) and giving yourself time to really know who you are as defined through yourself and not through a man or relationship might be a good idea.
Knowing what you expect out of the relationship and really thinking through what this guy wants is something that will be beneficial. Really try to be objective and know that there is always that possibility that he wants you just because you are young and fresh and represent a lot to him. On the flip side, he could really want a more meaningful relationship... this is the hard part. I think you showed a lot of maturity in saying you needed a break. It will at least give you time to really weigh the situation. As far as the parents go...... i've always been a firm believer in honesty being the best policy. If you want to wait until things get more serious with this guy (should you choose that path) i don't think that will cause a LOT of damage, as long as you don't outwardly and elaborately lie to them. I'm in a similar situation now where i am preparing to tell my parents about the most wonderful man i've met and am in love with... who is 47 (i'm 21). Initially i was waiting to see if it was going to be something serious with my love... but all doubts about that have quickly faded and now i'm waiting to see them face to face (they both live far away from me, and each other) so they can see i'm serious and not just a repeat of my past.
Will they be upset? probably at first... but they are your parents, Blu.... parents love unconditionally. If you and this guy are made for each other... eventually they will see that, and hopefully even if they never fully approve of your relationship, they will eventually accept you and your love as valid. So, be careful.... don't grow up too fast... youth is something we always want to rush out of, but can never return to and wind up begging for it back as we get older. So take your time to be young and really question yourself and him and both of your motives. Be careful in situations like this... as mature as we think we are and as much as we know about ourselves, we can always be taken advantage of.... at any age.

Best of luck!

Blu....

Right now you need to be thinking about your future.... You need to worry about that than any guy you are infatuated with.... At your age it's confusing I remember when I was 16 years old... I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend and live happily ever after... BOY WAS I WRONG..... Since then I have dated at least 5 guys neither of which I am with now.... i got my life in order THEN I found the man of my dreams......so


Please just know that this is just a confusing time and any affection and thoughts could mean just superficial.....Please think before you dive in

Originally posted by blu_ewe


Fair point, please tell what you DO think the issue is?


Sorry for not addressing what I thought the issue was...heh...
ANYWAYS....stupid me forgot to pay attention to the fact that you're from the UK and I do know that laws there are different. all of this has been pointed out to me in replies coming after mine and I apologize if it seemed as though I was firing things at you because of that. I guess, as someone else has said, I think one of the big issues is this whole thing with your parents. They are going to be upset, as you pointed out yourself, about you going online and meeting some guy who is twice your age. I don't think any parent would actually be HAPPY about that.

As far as telling your parents...hey, we all have our reasons for not telling them. I have not told mine, but I posted that in 'my story' a loooooooooooong time ago. My parents, on the other hand, are completely psychotic and still think and act as though I am 4. C'mon guys, they hid plastic easter eggs around the house last year and made me find them (MADE ME!!). Among many other reasons relating to their psychoticness, this is why I have not told them.

Although your relationship is completely legal now in the sense that you can be involved sexually without any really negative repercussions that involve people landing in jail....you are still under your parents' roof. And, I think, as long as you are living under them and they are taking care of you, so to speak, you need to at least TRY to abide by their rules. And if that means not seeing this guy till you can get out from underneath them, I think that'd be your best choice. I don't know how long people usually stay at home there, but don't ruin what you have now because some guy is really pushing for it. I understand you care for each other, but don't completely mess up the relationship you have with your parents as long as you are still living there. you've probably been sorting through a lot of things in your head and I hope one of the things is that your parents will probably make your life a living hell if they are really put off by this relationship...anyway, moving along....

Originally posted by blu_ewe

In fairness, im disappointed that the assumption is made that my maturity now is so significantly lower than what it will be in two years. Though, I appreciate the argument for waiting – hence, the ‘break’.

Oh, no!! Your maturity is not what is in question here. By your posts, you have exhibited a lot more maturity than most 16 year olds I have encountered. You have actually been thinking about the effects of this relationship and have decided to take this break. I do not know you personally, but I can tell you one thing... you can very well feel that you've got a good head on your shoulders (which is seems you do) and that you are mature beyond your years, but that doesn't mean there isn't more space for that maturity to grow. I don't know one person at 18, 20, or 22 that would tell you they didn't change or grow at all since they were 16. Things change A LOT when all you have to rely on is yourself. And relying on yourself is what happens when you "grow up", so to speak.]

Lucky Lass made a lot of good points since she as been in a situation like yours. Don't just take what she has said with a grain of salt.

Please, please, if you can allow yourself to do so.... learn from OUR experiences and try to be objective and recognize when you might be in a bad situation. I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think you were mature enough to do it. ;)

My last thought is in response to Mer's post...
What she said is pretty typical of most young women. No matter where you are, being 16 is a very confusing time.

blah blah blah this is getting long and i am starting to feel a parent that is lecturing you or something. I dont want that, so I will only reiterate what I have said before: Whatever decision you make I can only hope it is one you do not regret.

keep us updated!!!!

sorry this was so long, guys.....

good luck :)

Blu_ewe:

It sure had been interesting to see how you have taken so many by surprise. We are probably all here because our love life seems unconventional to the 'norm', (whatever that is). And sometimes we dont see our own prejudices until someone posts like you have.

I think we all have secrets from our parents...Heck, mine just hope i invite them to the wedding....True, i live on my own...but i am not open with them about everything. I have two sons living with me...and trust me...they are NOT open with me about what is going on in their love life. I am lucky to figure it out...and of course, i am not very shy about asking. (they are 19 and 22).

Blu......you have a blessing and a curse at the same time. You are obviously ahead of your peers in maturity in many areas by years. This is a good thing...but comes with baggage. You are comfortable with OM, and you are in a position to really learn about life...and probably miss many mistakes that some of us have made. (An advantage of an OM). One of the drawbacks, is truly discerning the motives of an OM. You can talk to many on this board about the heartbreak caused by dishonesty...as well as the true over-the-top love that you can have.

It sounds like your instincts are really good. What a blessing...Your feeling about a break may be just what you need. I feel it is sooo important that you 'flow' with your lover and that you feel alike on major issues...and that your 'gut feeling' agrees with the direction of the relationship. It seems like maybe you guys are not in agreement here...and that causes me more concern than whether your parents know or not. (I know one couple that were married when she was 14...and they are still married 60 years later).

If your relationship continues to grow...and your instincts tells you it is right, you will find the right way to tell those you love what they need to know. Most parents want what is good for their children...even if it is not what the parents would wish for their child. I would focus more on finding out if this is the right guy...and leave the parental info to later.

I hope that all this 'preaching' is taken with a grain of salt. You are there...and we are not. IF anything we have shared helps you in your journey...we ALL will be pleased.

I hope you continue to keep us informed...and just gloss over the times we are really off the mark.

Best of luck....

Irish Kid

Blu_ewe, I can come at this from two directions - I am in love with OM an have been since 14. But I am also a mother, and it scares me that you are meeting men via internet. Surely there are places where you can get to know lovely men in the real world - I've been to Yorkshire and there are lots of good men up there! I met my OM at school (teacher!) and that was probably the biggest taboo at the time. But at least it was "safe"... just a bit concerned for your safety, girl!

You're 16 and thinking of a relationship with an older man.

Some one mentioned prejudice?

Sometimes, I can only smile?!?

Here in the states, your relationship would be "dangerous" for your gentleman.

In some states or cities it would be extremely dangerous!

I don't know what sort of impression you may have developed or may be developing.

Pick up some newspapers from the U.S.!

Men and women, teachers, coaches, everyone is being tried in our courts for "contact" with "underage girls"!

This is the reality of My Country that I don't want glossed over!

I've traveled existensively and I know that there are different beliefs in different parts of the world, about almost everything!

One discovers that it is important to gather as many opinions (pro and con) as possible before embarking upon a course of action.

You are to be commended for seeking advice from a group who will provide you with a wide and diverse array of opinions.

Now, it is up to you to utilize this information in oder to make the "best" decision for You!

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Blu. . .about your maturity being significantly different now than it will be in 2 years. But, this has yet to be seen. In some ways i've grown a little more immature since 16. Other ways I haven't though, but my basic thought process is the same now on the doorstep to 20 than it was back at 16.

Remember all, it isn't so much that he can't wait to be with her until she's 18 as she can't wait to be with him until have 18. When you meet someone you click with so well, it is very hard to withhold romantic feelings until you're of legal age. So please, let us not chastize her for being 16. Plus, as she said, were she's at 16 is fair game :)

I honestly don't care how old ya are Blu. In your country, you're legal to pursue any relationship that you want. I do, however, hope you don't get hurt and this relationship doesn't come back to bite you in the *** later.

Remember being deceptive is never a good thing. I believe in being truthful, but at the same time, I don't believe in having to volunteer information left and right. If anyone wants to know about my relationship. . I will tell them. But I do not offer up information other than "i'm taken"

I hope these words have helped a bit.

Steve