Help

Hello all.

I have browsed through some of the posts here, in the hopes that someone would have already answered something similar to my problem and the it would all magically become better without my having to stir from my comfortable lurking corner. Not to be unfortunately, or possibly fortunately, because as I read more and more I came to realize that apart from others thoughts and advice it would help just to get it off my chest. And with that, to the story...

The problem: I am a 35 year old mature student who decided four years ago that I needed to go back to college and get myself some qualifications. This summer I will be sitting my final exams and heading back out into the big bad world again. Last September I moved into an apartment near to the college with a friend from college, his girlfriend and her sister. The problem here is the sister, who has just turned nineteen. At the time when I moved in I looked at her and thought "yeah, she is quite cute" and thought no more of it. I mean I have had this reaction to quite a number of younger women over the last four years meeting some true stunners in college and becoming very good friends with some of them and aquaintances with more. I expected this to be the same. Its not though. Last christmas we all headed home to our respective families for the holiday and I was the first back in the apartment. It was then that I started to realise that what I felt for her was more that it should be. It has gotten to the stage that she is the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I crash at night. The problem here is that whilst I dont think she returns my feelings we have become good friends, she has confided things in me that I wont repeat even anonymously here, but one of the lesser things she confided was her repugnance to one of her co-workers dading an older manager where she works.

This is the core of my dialemma, I want to keep this girl as a friend, but I want more as well. I dont know wheother I should approach her with my feelings or even how to approach her with my feelings. I am afraid that if I do and she shows the same repugnance that she showed with her co-worker that I will lose everything, her respect, her trust and her friendship. Another thing that troubles me is the reaction of her frinds and family if it ever did come to frutition, although I think that if she was ok with it I really wouldnt care too much about the rest of the world. Another thing to worry about here is, are my feelings true or just a result of living in close proximity with a pretty woman? Is there any way of knowng this other than putting them to the acid test? I have dated before, I havent been a hermit or a saint, but I have never ever felt this way before about any of the people I dated.

Thank you for reading this, any thoughts or insights would be good, but even if you dont reply, just forcing myself to type this has been of some small help to me, it has helped me to get some of the issues straight in my own head.

Ralthor....
Thank you for sharing!!! i lurked for a while too before i just couldn't hold some things in any longer lol.... anyway going to your 'problem'...

Do you really like this woman? if so, then you owe it to yourself and to her to at least talk to her about it in a friendly manner. My lover once promised himself he'd never date anyone under 30.... then we met online and being as intelligent and amazing as he his, he worked and pushed through those boundaries he had set for himself and is completely (i think!) open to our relationship and where it can go now (and in case he reads this...i'm very proud of him and it makes me love him even more). Don't think all at once about talking to her, talking to her friends, your friends, both families. Take things one step at a time. Do with her what you did here... get things off your chest... openly and honestly let her know what you're feeling and that you worry that she will be 'grossed out' by it.... but that you couldn't hold it in anymore. If she's mature enough, she will be able to accept it. If not, maybe you didn't want to be with someone that couldn't handle someone having feelings for them...... you said it felt better just getting it out here... imagine having it out in the open with her and not feel like you're hiding anything anymore!

I'm kind of piggy backing on a thought that luckylass shared in her post.

i know it's only natural for us to look for certain kinds of people. rarely do we take chances on those outside of the narrow scope of who we might deem as fitting partners. I think that if you are close friends with her, you should be able to approach her with your feelings.. but of course you would need to do so very carefully.

You could, perhaps, tell her something along the lines of what you have told us here. Tell her that since you feel so close to her as a friend, you need to get things out in the open otherwise your hidden attraction/feelings might cause tension in the friendship and you wouldn't be able to tell her what's going on in as calm and comfortable of a way.

I never would have thought, in all my life, that I'd be with someone who is 32 years older than me. Maybe it's because I haven't been totally burned by other boyfriends, or had to go through divorce or anything like that....I don't know. I've always kept a pretty open mind as far as dating goes.

If she is mature enough, and if she is truly your friend, I don't think that she should blow you off as a friend because you were trying to be honest with her. Honesty and communcation are important to any kind of relationship, whether you are dating or if you are just friends. So if you have any interest in getting your feelings out or taking it to the next level, I think you need to be honest and tell her what's up.

By the way, I think your feelings are genuine because you have said yourself that you haven't felt this way about any other woman you've dated.

Hopefully I've given you some kind of worthy advice...
and hopefully i'm not just babbling endlessly on here just because I want people to post so I have something to read.

Thanks for posting!!!!!! :D

Welcome..... And yes like the other two ladies said thanks for Sharing... I love seeing new people here.......

Anyway...... I don't think she will be repulsed by you asking her out.... Why don't you try nonchalontly and take her to dinner and a movie and see if the relationship gradulally gets going....Maybe she will show you more emotion towards this...... Anyway.... I think you can ask her....... Although If you want to keep her as friends you only know yourself and how you would handle this.....If she rejects you and says she just wants to be friends could you live with that.... if you can answer that question and you CAN live with that then I say GO FOR IT..... but if you want to come right out and ask andyou can't live with it you may lose a friend because it will make you uncomfortable talking to her.....

I am not sure if I am making any sence but I hope so....

Good Luck
Mer