Advice on feelings

I'm new, and am so glad I found this site. Here is my situation. I've been involved with an OM for almost 4 years. He's a widower and has 3 teenage sons (20, 18, and 14). I love this man and we have talked about marriage which I'm sure will happen, but sometimes I have feelings that I will never be part of the "family". I have a great relationship with his boys, but I feel like I'm just "dad's girlfriend". I know I will never replace their mom, and I don't want to, but I wonder if they will ever look to me as a mother figure. I'm 34 and my OM is 51.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I also go back and forth with the having children issue. He doesn't want anymore children, but he said that if I were to become pregnant then we would have the baby. The majority of the time I"m okay with that, but sometimes I think that I might want a baby.

Should I stay with this man because of that? I get very confused. 95% of the time I'm SOOO happy. He loves me so much, treats me great, my mother is fine with the relationship though she does ask me about "grandchildren" (my father was too but he passed away last year).

I"m just looking for some words of wisdom.

thanks so much:confused:

Hi Lisac....

Welcome to the site :) ..... I don't think i'm the best person to really be responding to you, because i don't have exact personal experience on this subject.... however, i can tell you that i have a step-mom that somehow did things in an amazing fashion... she didn't try to replace my mother, nor did she try to push herself on either my sister or myself... rather, she was always there whenever we needed her and she let us come to her... i think that's the key to establishing a good relationship with 'step-kids'.
I have been in a situation where i was in a somewhat long term relationship with a man with a son.... however the son was a bit older than me lol... as it turned out... i did little things (like sending birthday presents and cards... ordering pizza when i knew he was hungry or had friends over... making a conscious effort to not 'be in his way' but to be available, etc) and soon enough we had fostered a pretty decent friendship.

Sorry my experience is so limited lol... i hope i was able to help in some way... and if i was just rambling, blame it on over-exhaustion lol
Good Luck!!!

Hey there...Welcome to the site.... Your age differance and mine are exactly the same of 17 years.... I am 27 turning 28 iin may and he is 44 turning 45 in June......As you can see in my earlier thread (if you read it) that Me and my soon to be stepson don't get a long that well.... we do and we don't ... although last night he told me that he would stop being so troublesom.... anyway....

If you want to have children that is a big issue.... I know I want kids and my OM is fine with that we are going to have 2..... Although if he didn't want kids to be honest with you I would not stay.... Children mean that much to me to have.......Some women are different though so unfortunatly we can't tell you what to do......Depends on how you feel.....Talk to him more tell him how much you love him and that you want to make a baby out of that love........

Maybe see a theripst about it they do help....

I hope it all goes well for you though

Mer

All I can say is to resolve this issue before you'd even think about getting married. If you want children and he doesn't, it just will not work. I'm not sure if I understand what he means by saying "IF you got pregnant, we would keep the baby." That's almost implying that he is expecting to be tricked into it! And I think that's just about the meanest thing a woman can do to a man, to become pregnant by 'accident' when she knows he doesn't want a baby. So if he holds firm about not having children, it then becomes a choice: this wonderful man and a loving but childless marriage, or a possible other man and a marriage and family. Personally I know having a baby would mean too much to be compatible with someone who doesn't want one, but that's certainly not to say I can prescribe what is best and most satisfying for you. Talk to him. Only the two of you can decide what is best, so I wish you luck.

Originally posted by lisac
He's a widower and has 3 teenage sons (20, 18, and 14). I love this man and we have talked about marriage which I'm sure will happen, but sometimes I have feelings that I will never be part of the "family". I have a great relationship with his boys, but I feel like I'm just "dad's girlfriend". I know I will never replace their mom, and I don't want to, but I wonder if they will ever look to me as a mother figure. I'm 34 and my OM is 51.


Let me start with the whole teenage children thing (and please don't let it hurt your feelings) Those kids may never look to you as a mother figure. The best you may ever get from them is that you are their dad's girlfriend/wife. That doesn't mean they can't love you or care for you, but you have to realize that not every couple becomes the Brady Bunch. If you guys do get married, the best you can do is accept that they might not look to you as a mother, but CAN look to you as a trustworthy friend and confidante. There may be all kinds of feelings there they hold inside. Some kids, in divorce or death, sometimes feel like they are "cheating" on the absent parent if they love the other parent's partner. Just try to be loving and understanding for them.

As far as you having children, that is something you probably want to decide before actually get married. At 51, your partner may really not feel like raising anymore children. I don't want children, personally (something that B is worried I'll change my mind about), but if I did, I think it would make things hard for me & B. I mean, he's got children close to my age. He's been raising kids since his twenties, and I want to give him a BREAK. Besides, we enjoy each other too much to bring a baby into the mix. BUT THAT'S JUST ME!!! If you want children, you have lots of thinking to do. A ten year old with a 60 year old dad (and I've known one!) is a hard thing to deal with. But not impossible.

Praying for your guidance and happiness.

Love,
Happy

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. At this point I'm feeling strongly that I don't want any children. SOmetimes I feel that "motherly" urge, but like Happy4Me said, I too feel like giving him a break. I guess my confusion lies in the fact that sometimes when I see "mothers" I feel like I want to be one too. It's a confusing feeling and I know it's something I need to work out for myself and with him.

It's also the feeling of being scared of finding someone else, and giving up 4 years of my life and starting over.

It's just nice to have a place to let my feelings out with other women who are in these kind of relationships. Obviously all my friends are in closer age relationships so they can't really give me accurate advice because they've never been there.

I will talk more with V and figure out what's best for us, but for now I"m staying with a man who loves me SOOO much it's scary and see where it goes.

Hey you only live once and I don't feel like I"m wasting my time.

Thank you all!!!

Lisa

Lisa:

I also just want you to understand that it's O.K. to WANT children! :) I just personally don't! Honestly, after my parents divorced, I helped to raise my four other siblings (I'm the eldest) and quite frankly, I've exhausted all of the maternal instinct I have!!!! It's not "just" because B has already had four children!:)

But if you DO feel that urge, recognize it and accept it. If find you feel strongly about wanting children, IT'S O.K.! Don't be afraid. Either your OM will accept that, love you and have a child with you or he won't. And if you discover that having a child is important enough to you, you may find that your current S/O is not the one for you and that there is someone out there waiting to find you to have a child with! :)

It sounds like you are in love and in for the long haul with your OM, but don't EVER stay with him out of fear: out of the fear of the task of finding someone new. You'll find yourself bitter years down the road!

Wishing you love and happiness,

Happy

Happy,

Thank you for your advice. I did read your other post where you said you didn't want kids because you enjoy your free time with you S/O and that may be selfish, etc... and that's EXACTLY the way I feel. I, too, feel that I may be selfish but don't necessarily want to devote my free time to taking care of a baby, etc.... Plus once V's youngest goes off to college (in 3 years) I don't want him to have to be bogged down again with a new baby. It's just I do get the urge sometimes, but I think ultimately I would be okay without having children, and can possibly get my "mothering" urges satisfied with being a guide for his boys.

I know I will never be their "mother" and I don't want to be, but do you ever feel like sometimes you are the "outsider" in the family? I know I am, and I know in time I won't be and I know that V tells me the boys TOTALLY accept me and like me and all that, and I know that that is great and wonderful.

I also just get pressure from my mother about "having kids" and I guess I'm afraid to tell her that I don't think I want them.

Anyway, thanks for your words, it gives me more to reflect on and also gives me support which is so appreciated.

Well, I don't knwo if I would be of great help in this area. Besides, what has already been said is great advice. But I want to extend a warm welcome. There are fabulous people who serve as ROCKS when you need them and wonderful friends. Please continue to come back.

~EM

Thanks EM!

It is such a relief to have finally found a place where I can share my feelings about a situation that I now realize is VERY common. It's hard to talk about this kind of relationship to people who haven't experienced it so I'm thrilled to have a place where I can come when I need advice or to vent or to share happy times.

Looking forward to being aboard!!!

Lisa :p

Lisac:

Nice to see you join our board and post. I hope you find a home here.

Blending families is never easy. The statistics are not in our favor either. Second Marriges fail more than first marriages...and the number one reason...is blending the children.

Whether you are 21 or 41, the issues are really similar. You seem to understand that you lover their dad...and are not replacing their mom. Great!!! The age factor is really not as big as you think. If you were his age, his kids would say you dont understand what they are going through....;-) go figure. If they want to have a relationship, they will. If they want to fight it, it will be a longer time untill they see that you really love their dad.

I think the 'Lass has a good perspective on this.

As for children, you will probably think this is odd, but I have raised this with my lover. I benefited sooo much from being a dad. She really is not interested in having kids, and I think she should. We talk about it...and it's still on the table (almost). She has her reasons...and her best response to me is that she can help take care of her motherly needs when the grand kids arrive. What a lover I have!!!!

She has gone as far to say that she would have our child if I wanted to. What a reversal from all I have read on this board. I was sooo honored to hear that. I have always wondered what it would be like to be sooo deeply in love...and have a child out of that union. OMG...must be a bit of what heaven is like.

(settling back to earth and reality)....Yes, I love kids...and perhaps I should join with my lover and look toward spoiling grandkids...and seeing the world with my lover.

Lisac...so, i have shared...without pushing at one answer. When it comes to have a child...it really is such a personal issue. Best of luck as you struggle with what you feel and what you want.

Keep us posted...

The IrishKid