Happy4Me
04-25-2003, 10:01 AM
I posted this under the original, but I wanted to let you guys know:
Thanks & Update: LOOOONGGGG
First . ..
Spunk! Thank you so much. None of it was really redundant. When I ask for opinions, I DO want a barrage of them. All of your points were very valid and greatly appreciated.
Second / The Update
Well, after I read all of your posts the other day I agreed that B & I needed to talk about it again, but he's got so much going on work-wise that I was just going to kind of wait it out. HOWEVER, the man can read my mind; if not my silence - so when he came home, we ate dinner (like nothing happened) and then we went in the den to watch some "Hardball" on CNN and before he turned on the T.V., he was like "Do we need to discuss last night further?" And I know I had the deer in the headlights look. I didn't say anything and he said "Come on...."
And talk we did. All of these feelings (that I wasn't even sure I knew I had) had risen up when he'd said that he was just loving me day by day: I was angry because I thought I was missing peices of him because of all of the crap from his ex-wives; I was angry that I thought that I was being compared to EITHER of them. Another thing was (Lara, you hit this on the head) that I was upset because I thought that I had done something WRONG. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make him not feel like I was going to be there tomorrow or the next day or the next. And Spunkasaurus is right in mentioning that because I (as a woman) was focusing on validating MY feelings, I was ignoring (and surprised to discover) any insecurity on B's part.
There was so much we talked about, but with me keeping all of your posts in mind, I was able to circumvent the "estrogen filter" and hear what he was really saying to me. RollsHarley or IrishKid had mentioned something about all of his apologies being sincere - and that REALLY helped me stay focused. Because out of all of the things I had trouble understanding, what I DID hear and what I DID understand is that he DOES love me, that he wants me to grow and never feel like I'm "stuck with this old guy", that he wants me, always, but to stay with him because I still love him and not because I feel stuck or trapped out of obligation or guilt (hence the "day by day" speech); that he wasn't NOT thinking about our future together, but that he knew he wasn't guaranteed to have me forever and always and that might be a *good* thing, since it would keep complacency away and he wouldn't take me for granted. He wants me to, if I ever really need to, just come to him and say "Look, I don't think this is working anymore..." and he said he would TRY to be spiritually evolved enough to even help me pack my things. Of course, I took that to mean "You can leave anytime and I don't care" - and I expressed that to him. He laughed and said that of COURSE it would break his heart if I left; of course he would be miserable, it's just that he hopes that if it ever DOES happen, that he can be evolved enough to let me go without anger or resentment.
Of course, in my unsinkable, Pollyanna way, I told him that he needn't worry. Believe it or not, he did most of the talking and explaining with us stopping at things I didn't quite understand.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still a little confused and as I was "sneaking" out of the house to go to work, the back doors fly open and he SHOUTS (It was hilarious) "I LOVE YOU. HAVE A GREAT DAY." Then when I got to work, I had a voice mail that said "You looked bummed when you left this morning, and there's no reason to be because I love you and you love me and everything else is just superficial."
SO...after ALL of that, I came back to work a re-read all of your posts (thank God I printed them) got my final thoughts together and sent him an e-mail. (Which I was going to post to get your opinions on that too, but this post has gotten long enough.)
We are back on track, the tempest was in the tea pot, the light at the end of the tunnel was not a train and I'm safe knowing that he loves me and I'm also safe in knowing how much I truly love him and that, while it may take some time, I'll eventually be able to alleviate all his fears the easiest way I know how - by just being the same, good-hearted, sweet me that I am.
Love you guys,
Happy
Thanks & Update: LOOOONGGGG
First . ..
Spunk! Thank you so much. None of it was really redundant. When I ask for opinions, I DO want a barrage of them. All of your points were very valid and greatly appreciated.
Second / The Update
Well, after I read all of your posts the other day I agreed that B & I needed to talk about it again, but he's got so much going on work-wise that I was just going to kind of wait it out. HOWEVER, the man can read my mind; if not my silence - so when he came home, we ate dinner (like nothing happened) and then we went in the den to watch some "Hardball" on CNN and before he turned on the T.V., he was like "Do we need to discuss last night further?" And I know I had the deer in the headlights look. I didn't say anything and he said "Come on...."
And talk we did. All of these feelings (that I wasn't even sure I knew I had) had risen up when he'd said that he was just loving me day by day: I was angry because I thought I was missing peices of him because of all of the crap from his ex-wives; I was angry that I thought that I was being compared to EITHER of them. Another thing was (Lara, you hit this on the head) that I was upset because I thought that I had done something WRONG. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make him not feel like I was going to be there tomorrow or the next day or the next. And Spunkasaurus is right in mentioning that because I (as a woman) was focusing on validating MY feelings, I was ignoring (and surprised to discover) any insecurity on B's part.
There was so much we talked about, but with me keeping all of your posts in mind, I was able to circumvent the "estrogen filter" and hear what he was really saying to me. RollsHarley or IrishKid had mentioned something about all of his apologies being sincere - and that REALLY helped me stay focused. Because out of all of the things I had trouble understanding, what I DID hear and what I DID understand is that he DOES love me, that he wants me to grow and never feel like I'm "stuck with this old guy", that he wants me, always, but to stay with him because I still love him and not because I feel stuck or trapped out of obligation or guilt (hence the "day by day" speech); that he wasn't NOT thinking about our future together, but that he knew he wasn't guaranteed to have me forever and always and that might be a *good* thing, since it would keep complacency away and he wouldn't take me for granted. He wants me to, if I ever really need to, just come to him and say "Look, I don't think this is working anymore..." and he said he would TRY to be spiritually evolved enough to even help me pack my things. Of course, I took that to mean "You can leave anytime and I don't care" - and I expressed that to him. He laughed and said that of COURSE it would break his heart if I left; of course he would be miserable, it's just that he hopes that if it ever DOES happen, that he can be evolved enough to let me go without anger or resentment.
Of course, in my unsinkable, Pollyanna way, I told him that he needn't worry. Believe it or not, he did most of the talking and explaining with us stopping at things I didn't quite understand.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still a little confused and as I was "sneaking" out of the house to go to work, the back doors fly open and he SHOUTS (It was hilarious) "I LOVE YOU. HAVE A GREAT DAY." Then when I got to work, I had a voice mail that said "You looked bummed when you left this morning, and there's no reason to be because I love you and you love me and everything else is just superficial."
SO...after ALL of that, I came back to work a re-read all of your posts (thank God I printed them) got my final thoughts together and sent him an e-mail. (Which I was going to post to get your opinions on that too, but this post has gotten long enough.)
We are back on track, the tempest was in the tea pot, the light at the end of the tunnel was not a train and I'm safe knowing that he loves me and I'm also safe in knowing how much I truly love him and that, while it may take some time, I'll eventually be able to alleviate all his fears the easiest way I know how - by just being the same, good-hearted, sweet me that I am.
Love you guys,
Happy