i desparately need help pls answer

i've posted here before. I'm 24 he's 48. we've been together for 1.5 yrs. A few days ago I was trying to tell him how I felt- that he hasn't been calling (sorry to cut the long story short) but he took it really badly and must have thought I was blaming him. I said one sentence and he told me to go home. Before I left I told him that I love him and that I've been there for him when he needed me so please don't push me away. He said I'm too old for this, go home. True I was behaving a little irritated lately (the weather probably) and he was probably getting annoyed with me being irritated. I don't know. But we haven't spoken since.

So does this sound like the end? Will he come back? Should I just sit on my hands and give it time or what?

please please please help me

oops forgot to say that I was crying and he told me to go home. I think he doesn't know what to do when I cry. Anyway that was horrible, telling someone to leave when they're crying.

I also forgot to add that we haven't spoken to each other since although I did send him a short message to say that I'm sorry for being irritated lately.

what should i do?

It's hard darlin'....let me dig in and tell you my story......after these messages.....

LITTLEME

While I attempt to respond to this post here is my story:
Grr baby....very grr (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3868)

Read this so you know that we are ON THE SAME PAGE. And then come back to see if I have posted.

Why don't they call? Great question...I wish I knew, it would help us a great deal. The ladies of this board have picked up my pieces and helped me get my head on straight. So if (and I know I will) I forget anything, the ladies and gentlemen of the site will have such great words of wisdom!

First - I think you and I used to chat via Yahoo!, so I (if I remember correctly) remember your situation.

A year and a half is right about where D and I are at. It seems like the end when they stop calling. I almost want to give up. But there is too much to give up on. Especially when he gives signs that I shoudn't. As most of the readers probably know lara_steele is my rock and has super fabulous advice. The other day we were shootin' the shit on the phone. I was venting to her, holding back tears and being honest with someone I feel so completely close with...yet...we've never met each other.

One thing she told me that really sticks in my head and helps me is MILESTONES. D just turned 40 on Wednesday. And as she said age really doesn't matter, but the older you get the milestones become a bigger deal. How true is that. And she's right...he is in his own personal hell. He created it for himself. I think that OM who haven't come to grips with a younger woman loving them have self esteem issues, not to mention insecurities of the world. The generalize and sterotype us from all the 'bad' stories of May/December, they always talk about how the YW leave the OM as time goes on. Never do they hear or talk about the May/Decembers that last....even in death.

I know D hasn't called my in over 2 weeks now. The pain is almost unbearable. The tears come way too often and betrayal is hard to cope with. D was someone who befriended me with no question. He always listened to me and any problems I had. He let me vent and let me be me. So naturally, he became a dear and close friend, if not, then, my best friend. It's hard to find a quality friend, and then for that friend to become a lover, a someone who you can picture yourself with forever...that's the ultimate. Then when they stop calling and push themselves into the distance....yeah. I was and still am hurt that he couldn't come to me - even as a friend - and tell me what's going on. Happy4Me once said that she the kind of person that needs to know.....ME TOO! I hate being left in the dark. But I know (at least I think I do) what D's tiff is. He loves me, he loves me so much that it scares him. He's afraid of "what if society is right". He says he doesn't live his life by what others think or say....and both you and I know that's a load of ***! He's scared that what people say about us in a negative way might be true. That maybe one day I'll be like his ex-wife - up and leave for an 18 yr. old pizza boy. That I'll be like his ex-girlfriend and before things start to get too serious, I pull away and say that I don't love him any more. Well you know what....THAT'S NOT ME...THAT'S NOT WHO I AM. I think deep in his heart, he knows that, and that creates another fear. How can someone so young love me so much? He's afraid of a love that he's never had before. He's afraid that deep in his heart I might be right for him.

He's pulling away because he feels like if he dosn't see me, he doesn't have feelings for me. The whole out of sight out of mind mentality....but I know for a fact that he loves sleeping next to me. And when he goes to bed at night he feels empty and lonely. I wonder if he thinks of me during those moments. I would like to think he does because I think of him. We are the type of people who have so much love to offer....only he's afriad to receive it.

So - maybe your OM is having a personal break down. How long has it been? I say give it at least a month. Do what lara_steele told me to do.....wait.....but don't wait.

Be open to him when he comes around, but don't sit and let life pass you by. It's hard....trust me, I find it hard to get out of bed to be social. I want to stay in my room and watch sappy love movies and wish that my life was that movie...but it isn't and it never will be. Keep faith, and when he does come around - talk to him, swallow your fears and be ready for the truth. It may hurt, but at least you'll know. Whatever you need to tell him, tell him don't sugar coat it (thanks for that advice MerALove ).

These are the hardest times. When a May/December romance can get through this, a strong power and bond creates - which will help you with future bumps in the road.

I hope this has been of some help. It seems like it was more of me venting....but please please please keep coming back here and posting. It truly has helped me realize things I would have never thought about.

My heart goes out to you...don't hesitate.

I'm back!

Read this thread...it gave me hope and understanding of HIS side.

JD8E (http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=259)

First off, Em - BIG SQUEEZE, for feeling how you feel and for offering such wonderful advice to l.b.

Little - after Em's post, I don't really have any advice to give! I think she covered it all. Just know that you can come here any time and post and SOMEONE is gonna have, if not an answer, then at least some great things to think about.

Hugs,
Happy

the not calling thing...god it sucks. It's not just the phone though...since we are in the 21st century it has progressed to emails as well. They hate having to call. B always tells me..."I'm just not a phone guy!" What kind of answer's that?

I think they tend not to call due to their own confusion about an issue. Guys seem to like being in control and when they don't know where they stand...it feels like lack of control. If they don't know where they stand....that means they could be talked into seeing it in a different light. Heaven forbid they be swayed into seeing reason!?

I know this doesnt't help much, sorry. It's just a theory.

Well you said that you said one sentance and he told you to go home......what did you say? that may be a good start to finding out how to resolve why he's upset.....

Sometimes by giving him some space is good.. men go into caves and when they are ready to talk they will... I read the best book and it was called Men are from Mars and women are from venus... It was so true and you so relate to it......It may be very worth reading......

Give him a few days and then he may even call you hiimself... if not try and contact him... but DON'T BEG!!! maybe its me but I don't feel as though any man is worth begging for... I've been in a relationship like that and i felt so degraded......

Follow your heart girl!!!

hi everyone, thanks for your support. I really appreciate them. I'm feeling a bit better today. I went out and did stuff for myself.

Basically I was upset and I told him so. He kept asking me why. I wanted to tell him but I knew I would cry and I didn't want to. Ever since I was young I've always tried to act tough on the outside. Anyway, I said to him that i was upset because he either not called me or called me and wanted stuff from me- from work related stuff to sex. That came out the wrong way because it's not true that he didn't call, he did call but for the few days before that he was really busy and only called me to ask me for info and one time he called me and said that he needs a woman (that was like a joke, he's not a sex maniac). Like the phone conversations were like "Hi how are you? do you have <this information>? Thanks. ok bye"

the thing is he didn't give me a chance to elaborate, or he didn't give me enough time to elaborate before he told me to leave.

ok, i can't say I wasn't totally in the wrong because lately I have been acting irritated as I said before. So a few days later I wrote him and email and said that I'm sorry for being such an irritated person, but nothing more.

I think he is a guy, it is his cue to say something. I konw he loves me cos I saw him 2 days in a row after the fight at some meetings. There were people around and I wasn't ready to talk so I avoided him.

Yes I have read Men are From Mars book. it's so true, they're like rubber bands. I'm giving him time, but how long? if he doesn't talk to me by the middle of next week should I call him or email him again? and this time I might just explain myself at why I was angry blah blah and that it wasn't his fault. I just feel really blah because I can't believe that he told me to leave and I have to apologize and initiate peace (not that I'm not willing to do it, but I just wish the guy can do that!)

yeah a week should do it... i think anyway.... You shouldnt' have to wait your life away ... that's not worth it..... Good luck with how it turns out... Let us know ok.... Keep us updated.!!!!

Mer

I sent him an email yesterday, he should have got it by now. I basically explained in plain english that i wasn't trying to blame him or hurt him, that i don't know when he said he wanted me to leave if he meant he didn't want to see me ever again. i asked him where he stands and told him that i'm right here.

when will he reply? will he reply? sorry i know you cant answer these questions. but i'm hurting so much and i think only you guys would understand. everyone else is telling me to drop him. but i really love him. i can't change his mind or feelings, i know... i can't help crying and crying and i just want to be in his arms.

Little.....

Sorry about your troubles. It is never easy to handle the bumps in a realationship. Not communicating really doesn't have a good answer...and from my perspective it is not playing fairly.

I have read the posts and basically agree with the advice. The one thing I would add is...don't forget that even though we may be in our 40's we usually still have some growing up to do. You will have a roll in your lover's emotional development. For me...communicating has not been a problem. But....where there are, or have been problems....the best way to communicate it to me was....Telling me how you really feel. How you feel does NOT have to be logical (although that would help<smile>) If I can see how my actions (or in-actions) hurt my lover...it is the surest way for me to address the issues.l

Best of luck in working this out. I would initiate contact...afterall, both phones work. If you love him ...call...and help him where he obviously needs help....

Keep us posted....

The IrishKid

when will he reply? will he reply? sorry i know you cant answer these questions. but i'm hurting so much and i think only you guys would understand. everyone else is telling me to drop him. but i really love him. i can't change his mind or feelings, i know... i can't help crying and crying and i just want to be in his arms.

Oh Little...I know exactly where you are at, what you are feeling and why your feeling it. It sucks and is so painful that sometimes you cry so hard that you go numb, you want to vomit, but can't. You get a head ache, but no amount of advil will make it stop. Your eyes have a constant haze and you just want to sit in a corner and shut yourself out from the world.

The heart is very fragile thing and most humans don't understand how fragile it is. I have mixed feelings about the situation we are in. I don't want to wait forever....but I can't bring myself to move on. I'm in the process (and have been for the past week) of writing him a letter...it would be so much easier if he knew how to use his email...but it's hard to find the words that match my true feelings. I want to call so bad. I've only called to say Happy Easter and Happy Birthday. I've dialed once, but hung up because I didn't know what to say. It's ruff darlin' but let's help each other out and be strong :)

For me...communicating has not been a problem. But....where there are, or have been problems....the best way to communicate it to me was....Telling me how you really feel. How you feel does NOT have to be logical (although that would help) If I can see how my actions (or in-actions) hurt my lover...it is the surest way for me to address the issues. Best of luck in working this out. I would initiate contact...afterall, both phones work. If you love him ...call...and help him where he obviously needs help

Irish....
Thanks...we needed that! :)

Everyone: thanks for maintaining your attendance to this site...it really helps out more than you know...or maybe you do know ;)

pls tell me what you think of this and soon pls:

i want to call him and drop by his place and tell him that i was supposed to give him something last time. I would go and give him a hug and a kiss and say that even though i've sent him the email and that I still dont' know where he stands, i want to take the oppotunity to do this (kiss him and hug him) because if he has decided not to be with me anymore than i would not have the opportunity again.

then see what he says/does.

too much?

You and I are so much a like it's not funny!

I think the same way...but I also sit down and analyze how my actions will be taken. If I did do this...would he see me as a "love sick teenager" type of gal!? Will I come off as annoying? Will I push it too far....but then I think to myself what if he doesn't see me that way.

I hate to be left in the dark about things. It's the worst feeling in the world next to the 'what-if's' I try not to have what if's in my life...but we all do, so I usually end up calling or going over so I know in my heart - so I can see his face and reaction, that will truly tell me something.

However, I don't know you guy....you know his actions better than we do....use your best judgement....crappy advice I know, but it's hard to say.

Like you guys, I HAVE to know things. However. . .

Little, I must say this. Once you ask and get your answer, even if its an answer you don't want to hear, you need to back off immediately. I've seen people get really creeped out at the intensity of some potential suitors. Some people's "creep out" level are lower than others. You don't want this guy thinking you're a psycho, do ya?;)

Look, just talk to the man. Tell him to hear you out, listen to you and that you need an answer. Don't, however, make him feel responsible for your feelings, ya know? I mean, be choosey about your words - don't (intentionally or UN-intentionally) make him feel guilty enough to give some half-assed "on the fence answer. But I'm not sure showing up on his doorstep would be the best thing to do. A phone call might surely be in order, since you are SO uncertain about all of this.

Happy

You might want to try the whole letter thing