Obsession??????

Okay...I am having some relationship problems. It is rather complicated...or maybe it isn't?

I have been in a two year relationship with an OM...I will refer to him as "ST". He is a really nice guy and I care about him mucho...and there is a lot of love there, but sometimes I wish he and I had more in common. He is not the type of guy I am normally attracted to. I am normally attracted to artsy, well-read intellectuals--not to say that ST isn't smart, he is, but sometimes I feel like he is not what i want. Other times I feel like, "hey, we get along great....we have love....we both have fun times...we are good." St and i have a twenty-four year age difference.

He and I are so close...well, not in distance (he is in TX), but emotionally close. He is the sweetest, most understanding person and he is always there for me throughout the good and bad. I would say he is my best friend. He knows that sometimes I feel uncertain about us and he understands.....See, what i struggle with is I feel like if I explore my options that he will be gone and then i might realize the hard way that he was really what i needed and wanted. My family has met him...i don't think my father completely approves, but the whole contraversy has died down considerably.

And then there is this really strange twist....Okay, I met this guy off the internet....I will refer to him as J....I have been corresponding with J for about 3 years. He and I used to chat here and there and we always managed to stay in touch. I have always admired him....he is the type of guy i have always wanted. He is into martial arts...practices herbs...is politically liberal...is well-educated...he writes like a god. I always sensed that there was some chemistry between us, but I was never real sure, until now....things have escalated between J and I.....to a very strange level. Okay, he is even older than ST....he is almost 60 years old (39 year age difference)......i know what you are thinking.....yeah, this is crazy. Anyway, he and i have talked over the phone and exchanged pics and things, even done some webcam here and there. I am a bit smitten with him.....is it obsession? i feel like i am in love. But there are more problems.....he lied, he recently told me he is actually married and not single. He said he is going to get a divorce.

I am confused about both situations....i don't know what i am doing really. I think ST is great and he is good for me and is very supportive, but at the same time, I have this strong attraction and adoration for J, which may or may not be foolish. By the way, ST knows about J....I have told him. ST thinks J is a dishonest dickweed, who is just playing games with me. ST told me to stop talking with him.....and for a while, there was some conflict, so I did stop talking with him, but then he came back......and things are back to where they were before.....only ST doesn't know I am back to my old feelings for J. J knows about ST, but thinks that I am not with ST anymore. ST and I are in a relationship still, but we have distanced ourselves from each other a bit. I did not lie to J and tell him I was not with ST anymore....he assumes this to be so.

I am in a bit of a mess here. I am not even sure if J is being real with me, but I cannot help but feel the way I do for him. It may very well be foolish.....I am really confused. I don't understand how internet love should work. I don't know whether J is being real or not, all I know is that things are escalating and I feel like i am hiding things, which I am. I don't want to let ST go because I am afraid of losing him and hurting him unnecessarily. I don't anything to happen that does not have to be......god, im being selfish here. J could very well be playing games...i don't think he is, but he might be. I am trying to wait and see if he is serious......but as I wait, I feel all the more dishonest and selfish.

any advice? ~Muse

I have had internet love....and lust...and frienship. And yes, I have been lied to in a big way, too..... You just never know....;-)

the J and ST triangle....phone sex with J???? IT is interesting how this can twist the emotions. Not trying to be too nosey, but it sure happens a lot and makes a difference.

My advice, of course, is to stay away from people that are already involved in relationships...no matter how hard that seems. The alternatives are usually worse.

One thing that you really need to 'muse' on is what there really is with ST and you. If someone else can attract your attention, then maybe your love for ST...is not as strong as it needs to be..or as strong as you want it to be. Not a big problem. It could be the early signs that you are still maturing and you need someone else for this stage in your life. Hopefully every relationship you have in life makes you a better person!

Keep us posted...and I hope that we can really be of help to you.

The IrishKid

He knows that sometimes I feel uncertain about us and he understands.....See, what i struggle with is I feel like if I explore my options that he will be gone and then i might realize the hard way that he was really what i needed and wanted

Well doll...hate to say this, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. As Irish said, maybe your heart isn't fully there for ST. I know it must be extremely hard when he's far away.....it makes the eye wonder.

As for the internet love....when you meet someone on line it's easy to have feelings for somones words and wisdom. But when you truly get to know someone it could be completely different.

As an added bonus....he's married!!! Please please please don't fall into the "he's married but he says he's getting a divorce" trap. There are threads here with great advice on that subject.
For example: don't get involved till AFTER the divorce so your don't obscure the picture.

Evaluate your wants and needs. You say you don't want to cause pain...but if you continue down this path heartache will surely follow. Be careful and honest with yourself.

Muse:

Maybe you are bored with ST and half-heartedly looking for someone else. This J fella sounds like he meets your "common interest" needs pretty well. Believe me, I am convinced that strong common interests can make an o.k. relationship WONDERFUL.

But this J guy also lied to you and it was no small tale. Ditch this guy faster than a $20.00 Rolex, sister. You deserve more than lies like that. And if he's "cheating" (in whatever fashion) on his wife, then....history dictates that he's not that great of a guy. He wasn't honest with you from the outset.

I'm sure he's exciting and seems fun and you have a lot to talk about. But this on-line stuff can be soooo creepy. It's hard enough to get to know a person inside and out in the flesh. Hiding behind a computer screen or a telephone makes it THAT MUCH harder.

You probably also need to sit down and ponder some more on your true feelings for ST. I mean, if you could be (even the tiniest bit) stolen from him or have your attention drawn away from him in such a strong manner, your commitment to him may not be as powerful as you'd romanticized in the begining. Do you "love" him because he seems good for you; do you love him by default because there's no one else you were interested in at the time? Do you love the safety of having someone there? Or do you TRULY love him, faults and all? You may find you have an overabundance of affection and attachment, but that he's not what you are looking for. It happens, ya know? But you may also find, digging through your deepest feelings, that you DO love him and make the decision to be more committed to him. I imagine its hard being long distance as well.

But try not to let ST sit on the other end thinking you are devoted and loyal and he has your heart while you sit around keeping your eyes open to see if there is something better. You wouldn't feel so hot if you were reading this post and ST was the one who posted it, right?? It's a hard situation you're in and I don't envy you at all! You have some feeling and soul searching to do.

Good luck and sending the best possible wishes your way,
Happy

Everyone has given you a lot of good advice here, and I don't have much to add. Maybe you should hold out for a guy with more common interests, if they are what really turn your crank. I think you're just into what J's into, because he DID lie about being married. That was a big mistake, and you know it too. As for ST? Yeah....that's tough. My ex-boyfriend never did a damn thing wrong, he was always there for me, attentive, sweet, blah blah blah..... it was hard but I had to see that I really didn't love him. I had been STRONGLY attracted to two other guys during our relationship, so much so that I had to look a beautiful guy laying on top of me in the eye and tell him I couldn't do this because I had a boyfriend. The second time was harder and caused even MORE resentment, until I got fed up (mostly with myself) and broke things off with my ex for what he thought was no reason. And those other two were long gone. So I don't see the wandering interest thing as promising, because when it happens to me, I'm in trouble. Nobody has turned my head since I met the OM, even though I didn't see him the first 3 months I knew him. I'm as confused as you. I know it's normal to be attracted to other people in a marriage or long-term thing, but it sounds like you've taken it to a more personal contact level.....that shows something. I'm rambling again! Let us know what you think about the responses..... I'm also interested that ST is so understanding of this.....

Great advice already given...Irish and EM and Happy and Datura have said a lot, and you should read and think it through.

When Datura talks about wandering attention, though, I completely relate. Yes, attraction to other people is normal and natural and will happen in any relationship. We as humans are failable and have the need to know if there is more out there...but when you are truly in love, devoted, and committed, these other attrations are a minor distraction, not a major obsession. You see someone, you flirt a bit, they are cute, etc...but you dismiss them because what you have is what you want, and is so filling that these others just appear to be so much fluff.

So to break it down:

1.) Figure out what you truly feel for ST. This is hard to do, it involves listening to that voice in the back of your head. When you are saying, "but I LUUUUUURRVVVEEEEE him" this is the voice that calls out truth...it says "no you don't" or it says, "yes but you need to work harder at it" That voice. The voice that we often times hate because it is so much more honest than we want it to be.

2.) This "J" character. IS MARRIED!! bad, bad, BAD situation to be in. No judgement here, Muse, its tough on you, I know. But he is married and regardless of everything--how you feel, what he says--you are just in too much trouble right here already. He is married, and it confuses EVERYTHING.

3.) J lied to you. Character is shown in the little things...and the large. He told a major lie to you, and the fact that it regards his single or lack there of status just doubles the lie!

4.) You find yourself doing things you wouldn't do, and probably don't feel great about. You are not honest to either of these fellas. Again, no judgement. You are doing what you have to do, but I bet it feels very bad. And you are better than that, you are a better person than that, and you deserve more than to be caught up in a situation where you cannot be honest. To him, to them, and to yourself.

My advice, for what ever it is worth...

Disengage.

From both of them.

Because there is a person here who demands all of your attention, and that person is yourself. Do whatever it takes to get back inside your own head, where you can think and see clearly, and make the wisest choice.

Pay attention to yourself, dear, cuz you are just about getting buried by all the rest of it. And its only going to get deeper before you can dig your way out.

Good luck, Muse...and please, please understand that I--and everyone else here--speak from our experiences, from a sense of concern for you. No judgement, because we are all flawed, and a lot of us have made these same mistakes.

Please, keep reaching out that hand from your emotional hole--we're here, on solid ground, waiting to pull you up anytime you need it!

My super wise cohorts have truly said it all and there is nothing for me to add. So why am I posting?

"I had to look a beautiful guy laying on top of me in the eye and tell him I couldn't do this because I had a boyfriend.
The second time was harder..."

datura, you crack me up... :) and my cohorts let that one slide on through.

What can I say. I could have gotten into a lot of trouble here at college, too bad no one ever told me I was SUPPOSED to. I wasted a lot of experimenting time with that one guy, but at least we're still friends. What did he do? Well after a bout with depression and a suicide attempt, he got back to school and lived out the freshman year he never had. Smoking bud, drinking, hitch hiking completely drunk, sleeping with a girl he didn't know outside in an abandoned lot, and letting her take pictures for her 'memory book'! Now that was a new one for me, apparently she kept an album of her one-night stands. :confused: So he did all the usual stuff, then decided college wasn't for him. At least not now. What did I do? Well I did have a fling with that French guy....but of course he went back to France. Then I spent a year single before falling for an older guy with a kid, and now I'm play-acting and toying with the wifey/step-monster roll. Scary, huh? So which one of us is dumber? Maybe if I was into getting stoned this could have all been avoided....but then I would have never met you guys! Life is one strange trip, and if the only good indicator of the future is the past, it's only gonna get WEIRDER. How DID I get so lucky....:rolleyes:

Okay.....IrishKid, you are right...there is a lot of lust there....
cybersex..i always thought cybersex was stupid and boring until J. J writes like a god, so he can write erotica like no other...is quite impressive, but at the same time....

I don't know what is wrong with me. The man is moody. He and i go back and forth like yo-yo's....one minute we are at the height of passion, pining, longing, lusting, next minute we are throwing our "**** you's". Maybe i enjoy this? Maybe i like fiery, tumultuous, relationships? Maybe i like someone who draws me in and then pushes me away? all this bouncing makes my head spin.

Sometimes i think J is full of BS...he offered to send me things in the mail a while back...i told him not to, but he was persistent...at the same time, i thought that if he sends something tangible it would make this all seem more real. But nothing ever came.....which worried me because it made me think that maybe he is a fraud. Anyway, yesterday, i was talking to him and i mentioned to him that he shouldn't say things he doesn't mean. Then he said that he offered many times to send stuff in the mail but i was too prideful to accept....so I told him to go ahead and send something. He offered to send me money to help me buy some little things because i am a strapped college student....now i don't take money from people normally (especially people i have never met), not a pride issue, just a principle, but he was persistant...and plus i can't deny that i was curious as to what he had in mind (plus i have only three bucks left on my meal plan). He wired me sixty dollars through Western Union and when i got it, it gave me this eerie, euphoric feeling like....."wow, he really does care."

I bought groceries with the money (will feed me for a week until school ends), all the while I was feeling like a dream was poking its head through into reality. It really is an eerie feeling. I have never recieved money from someone i have never met...felt like i was a bit dazed and even more confused about everything. But that eerie feeling, it still lingers.....feels like a ghost gave me a gift. I am thankful though.


Anyway, i am still thinking things over. I keep an open mind always.....i know i have a good head on my shoulders, but at the same time, i constantly doubt myself.....it is just me trying to keep an open mind about it. I agree with you Lara_Steele...i should be thinking more about me, my needs.

Love is not always logical...why should it be? ST and i have a great relationship, very caring, very kind.....it is lacking the sparks....sparks are not the most important things...i can do without them, but there is just something alluring about being on that pinnacle, that edge, falling head over heels.....

It is difficult to maintain sparks from a distance....hardly ever see ST.....maybe see him once every two or three months.....ST is not as articulate...a bit less attentive.....he and i talk every day....share pretty much everything (almost everything).

One concern i have about ST and I is that we disagree on some issues politically....and sometimes on religion. he is so accepting sometimes, while i question everything. it bothers me. I don't know....he and i have been together about two and a half years now....we work well together....if he were here, things would be much better and i don't think my eyes would be wandering....isn't his fault at all, just a problem i have.

And i know, i know....the sparks are not what matters....it just becomes difficult...and other things can become so much more alluring in comparison. i think i go for J because the sparks are constantly flying....all over the place--fireworks, then grenades, then fireworks, then all is still until a missile is launched. Sometimes i want to kill him, other times i want to kiss him.

I trust ST more than J. ST is more predictable. J is high-strung....strung like a guitar string....snaps... very in tune and driven with emotion. A very peculiar man he is. Okay, how many 59 year old ex-English professors do you know use the word "****" without shame, smokes joints, does't work, and just continuously works on writing some long book about family birth orders. When i webcam with him, in the background, all i see are shelves upon shelves of books and jars of chinese herbs all over the place, cluttered beyond belief....looks like a mad professor lab. The white guy acts more asian than I, and I am half.

I must be drawn to his peculiarities... drawn to the eccentric.... i can't really compare ST to J...they are too different....is like one end of the spectrum and then the other. ST is more conservative and cautious....J just lets shit fly haphazardly.

i have a lot to think about really. J is a strong force....strikes like a bullet to the heart. I don't know how to take the bullet.....don't know whether to disengage or what. If common sense were to dictate, i would just get rid of J all together.....but it isn't sense dictating here....

So...in conclusion, i am just as confused as i was ever....but i do appreciate everyone's feedback...gives me greater perspective...I agree with what everyone has said....and I especially appreciate Lara_steele's comforting comments. So thanks you guys...i will keep you posted.
~Muse

I would like to add...the way i described J...nobody would understand why i would even want someone like that.....sounds like a nut......

Well, he is a nutcase.....somehow, i like that......

he is not mindless, but less inhibited.....

he is like a vice for me. i may or may not get over it.

the whole situation is odd.....

I may end up having to kill him in order to regain sense.

oh, oh, and the marriage thing.....well, who knows about that one.... what he says and what he does could be two different things......

from what he says he and she do not act like a married couple and it is marriage by legal paper only...he said they respect each other enough to not wave shit in each others faces...he says he wants to sever the marriage cleanly and on good terms.

who knows about that......

generates heated arguments between us....

he says this is not the Brady Bunch.....yeah, well, duh....i think i can see that. expects me to be more understanding....i don't completely understand it.....

i know relationships rarely last....ive seen the statistics...look at the statistics he says....

this is really a mess......

i put myself here......i know the way out, yet......i'm still right here giving blood.

Muse....Muse.....

You make me smile. Let me guess...Dean's list??? valedictorian??? you sound like a brainiac...;-) Its ok....truly...

Muse, there is nothing wrong with wanting stability and intense lust. The problem you face is that it is with two different people...one not really available. Your desires are good..if not normal...they still are common...Certainly don't question yourself as if something is wrong with you. Many people do not understand an intelligent woman. I get continually teased by my lover that some day...."you will hate my mind".

I think you should feel good about your instincts and desires...and consider that maybe you need to find a man that fits those for you. It IS possible to find both stability and lust....in the same person. Put that mind to work on finding him...and take yourself out ofthe path of the oncoming train. I think your current situation is definitely going to cause you pain. You will survive...an you may not be able to stop yourself...but when it is done and over...you might muse on the IrishKids thoughts...and start looking for that man that meats your needs. He IS out there...

I do like the fact that you can look deep within yourselve and really see what is going on...and that you are secure enough in yourself to share it with us. Go the next step and act on it....jettison J.....and replace ST....JuST do it....couldn't resist the initials....;-)

Keep us posted...and best of luck in the matters of the heart....(and brain)....

The IrishKid

Muse....
I think you need to be open and honest with ST about J... keeping things from someone even if you think it's just an internet lust/love/relationship type of thing is really important, because it is something that can divert you and ultimately draw you away from your current relationship. If anything, your whole experience in this should show you that there will always be other men interested in you, and men that you find interesting. So ST is not the be all end all for you... especially because you're young, but even if you were older. I don't think you need any preaching here, you seem to know yourself... and only you can truly know yourself.
IRISH...... lol
"meat" her desires huh? lol sounds a bit Freudian to me!!!.... i would say it's vari possible that she can meet all of her desires, including the 'meaty' ones lol....

Ladies (and lurking gents) it's all about finding that right person for you in all ways... if you have some of this in one person and some of that in another, it's probably still not right for you... don't tire, keep searching... i found both in the man i love and i couldn't be happier... well, unless i lived closer to him lol

Muse.... You are in a very sticky situation here.....Although.... You really shouldn't involve yourself with a married man it will only lead to heartbreak for you...... Can you really see him divorcing his wife to be with you? or is it just going to remain on the computer? Eventually that will take a toll on you....

As for ST... that is normal.... You may have lost the feelings it's not bad... of course you still love and care about him that never changes you fell out of love with him.... I honestly think you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can see yourself with ST......if not then you need to move on and live your life.... Life is to short.... Trust me... My fiance died when he was 25 and I was 23 and I would do anything now to bring that back but I can't...... I was with someone for 2 years afterhim on rebound and hurt and we were engaged and I knew for 6 months I was falling out of love with him and I just couldn't do it anymore So I left..... and now I am in the most fulfilling relationship with my OM and i wouldn't have done that if I just stayed in a relationship that was bound to be nothing....

Think about you....Your heart knows the right answer...

My lover pointed out a true typo...not a freudian slip...;-)

you might muse on the IrishKids thoughts...and start looking for that man that meats your needs

Who knows, i really know it is MEETS....guess i might have had great sex on the brain....lol....you need both, Muse....

and......

jettison J.....and replace ST....JuST do it....couldn't resist the initials....;-)

I just thought it was too funny...take the "J" from J and the "ST" from beau 2....and put them together....'J'u'ST' DO IT.

I talked with my lover this morning....and we both agree that you can find the hot burning lust and the wonderful fufilling love in the same person....Drop these two...and go find him, muse....I can sense you have a lot to offer....dont settle for half....go for it all...

The IrishKid

I had a considerable crush on my Shakespeare professor. I don't think I've ever met a smarter man in my life. That was incredibly sexy to me, even though he's a good 20 years older than my OM. He would reminisce about the 60's.....and I would just think, my God you're cool. So I can understand the Mad Professor attraction....it's quite exciting. But Muse I still agree that you need to find the best of both in ONE package. What you have with ST will only get more stale, more annoying, and you'll wonder about how he is so accepting of things even more. It really doesn't work for a questioner and an acceptor to be involved with each other too often, because inevitably one or both wonder what the hell the other's problem is. As for J......I think it's pretty entertaining and probably harmless. But I do think it will wear itself out. My only advice is to keep your eyes open for the next big thing.

He is already wearing on me....too much bouncing. Like i said, the man is moody and tempermental. I am drawn to his intelligence......writes better than anyone......passionate, very passionate......yet, i am so pissed off at him right now.

He just went through another mood swing.... i am thankful for his donation to "the feed the poor college student" fund, but really, he needs to learn to control his emotions. I think he is unstable when lit, short-fused and fickle. Little things ignite him, and he flies off the handle faster than a bullet with butterfly wings. I do not really expect this to last long--the man is just too moody.....maybe chemically imbalanced. LOL!

As for ST, I did not tell him about my recent experiences with J, but he and I both agreed that the sparks are not really there. He noticed too. We both feel more distant than ever before. I am not sure if he knows how to feel....but we still are the best of friends.....not sure if he sees us as friends or more right now, even though we both agreed to be friends. He is due for a visit before long.

Well, Datura, at least i know im not the only one who goes for the mad professor types....gotta love those types....I could suck his brain dry and still want more.....Mmmmmm, tastes pretentious, yet oh so filling...like wood pulp, tree sap, and tomato juice extract.
~Muse