How do I tell my OM I am in love with him!

I am 23 and having been dating a 35 year old since January (we've known each other 18 months though - he's my kickboxing instructor). I knew before our first date that he was the one for me.... and now after months of terrific dates and spending quality time together, I know that I am in love with him and want to tell him.... but I don't know how, and I'm not sure what his reaction will be...... HELP!

I think most of us have been in (if not in it now) this situation. The words "I really care about you" seem to be annoying now because you just want to yell at the top of your lungs that you love this beautiuful man...right? Well if not...then that's me...pretend I didn't say that.

Anyway, your scared feelings are valid and everyone has them. But you must think to yourself would you rather A.) Tell him how you feel, get everything out in the open and if he feels the same..then super! If he doesn't then at least you know...and you can move on....or maybe there is room to grow in love.

OR

B.) Not say anything, keep it bottled up, constantly go through your mental list of 'what if's', and silently torture yourself....hmmm....I PICK A! It's easier said then done. Practice what you want to say, how your going to say it. My ex told me he had to talk to me about something. At the time we lived 92 miles away from each other....so on the spur of the moment I left to go see him. To his surprise I showed up on his door step. I told him I couldn't wait for our weekend visits to hear what he had to say. He told me that he wanted to see my face when he told me that he was falling in love with me.

Just an idea....could work....could not....but wouldn't you like to know. It takes guts, even if you don't have them....I think it's something that needs to be done.

Keep us posted on this....we all wish you the best!

P.S. I kind of remember your screen name...have you been here before....if not....WELCOME! :) :D

Thanks EMCAD80! I haven't been here before - just came across the site today! SO thanks for the warm welcome!

I guess my biggest fear is that if he doesn't feel the same way.... how do we go about seeing each other 3 nights a week at kickboxing (where we met). It is something we have both dedicated our lives to doing and keeping up with.... and I know that I would "have" to be the one to back out since he's been there a lot longer.

Am I having these "fears" because it's too soon to tell him?

All the information I give is purely my opinion....doesn't mean it's right or wrong...but just my two cents.

Anywho - I think people can fall in love quickly, if it's the right person. I also think it's okay to express it after five months. I think you just need to becareful on how you word it. For example: I want to tell you something, but I don't want it to effect our friendship.

If it does weird him out, I would simply point out that you are both adults and can handle going to kick boxing classes together. If you do feel that uncomfortable around him, then yes, I would suggest finding new kick boxing classes....but seriously, your both adults and can handle the truth.

Take it slow. If your not comfortable telling him yet, then don't. It will all fall into place when it's time.

Young-un....

Isn't it wonderful to feel love...;-)

I knew before our first date that he was the one for me.... and now after months of terrific dates and spending quality time together, I know that I am in love with him and want to tell him

Young...you have spent more than enough time with him so that you can and should tell him how you feel. I think as I have aged (and sometimes even matured, lol) I think being straightfoward is a blessing...not a curse. You heard EM say it is easier said than done...how true!!!

Recognize that if after 18 months...if this surprises him...then he is definitely not the one for you. Come on...take a risk....tell him you have something important to YOU to discuss with him and ask for some time...tonight!!!! or tomorrow...this weekend, at least...

Hold his hand....look into his eyes...and tell him how you feel. Just do it! It is amazing the confidence you will feel when he admits he felt that same way but let the issue of age come in the way. Be prepared to tell him that you do not look at age as a factor...only the type man is important to you. You will feel empowerment like never before. Take the chance...and be the woman you really are....

Do It!!!!! and keep us posted...

The IrishKid...

PS....BTW, I am a true romantic....;-)

Young_un....

hope your finding great advice here...so far...so good ;)

Thanks IrishKid..... it's nice to know that some guys out there are true romantics!

While we've known each other 18 months, we've only been dating since January... but have had a wonderful time together... have a trip planned for the summer to visit my parents.... etc.... but I'm still so nervous.... and not sure when is going to be the right time...

So many times I've looked at him and almost said.... "you do know i'm in love with you right" but I bite my lip everytime.... and I'm so fearful that planning a huge night and putting myself on the line could only mean a bigger let down.....

For instance, tonight our plans are to just stay in at my place and rent tons of movies to watch while we hang out in our PJ's and drink wine..... do I just casually say it at a time like that.... or wait until it's an extremely big event?

Can you tell I've been mulling over the details of this one for a while! LOL

Thanks everyone for all of your advice, I really do appreciate it!

How helpful would it be if I could get him on this darn board, then maybe he'd know it for sure!

So many times I've looked at him and almost said.... "you do know i'm in love with you right" but I bite my lip everytime.... and I'm so fearful that planning a huge night and putting myself on the line could only mean a bigger let down.....

Oh My Goodness...you took the words right out of my mouth. I know the feeling. But if this site (the people of this site) has taught me anything....actually this was just a few days ago!!

If you want to tell him - tell him
If you want to cal him - call him
If you want to hold him and squeeze him - do it

Be yourself and don't hold back who you truly are. *Compliments of Irish, Lara, Happy and Mer*

On the same note...it is scary - but this refers back to my first post...if you don't, you'll never know. He could be feeling the same way you are. He's just anxious and ready to jump out of his skin if he doesn't tell you soon.

He probably does have a problem with the age....listen to Irish....let the problem come, talk about it (fears and all) then over come it together.

How helpful would it be if I could get him on this darn board, then maybe he'd know it for sure!

I've tried to get D on this board. I've put him down in front of the computer and had him read threads. I've had things printed out and mailed to him....but never has he come here on his own will. So yeah...I would like that too. In fact - I think there are a couple of couples here....and that is fantastic!

Maybe tonight is the night...if you feel the urge DO IT and
let us know how things go!

Young-un....

Why not tonight??? He deserves to know...and so do you...

"If you want to tell him - tell him
If you want to call him - call him
If you want to hold him and squeeze him - do it"

Its time to press forward and grow in how you handle your relationships. Take the chance...take the plunge....

And by all means, let us know how it went.....

The IrishKid...

PS...I hope that wasn't tooo pushy.. ;-)

Someone sent this to me on a different web site....great advice!

Well, it probably won't make me popular, but I totally disagree with everyone else...

The very last thing you should do is distance yourself, if you are at all interested in him.
[And by the way the advice below, I believe applies, maybe even more strongly, to the young men in young man-older woman relationships, just flip the labels.]

The problem with many older men is that, at least as regards young girls [please even note the way I have said it], is that these older men, feel like they are doing something wrong, taking advantage of a poor, helpless young infant person, for their own EVIL advantage. He hasn't. I can tell that from your post. But the reason that he thinks this is because nearly all of the people around him are telling them that this is exactly what he is doing. Your guy knows what male friends his age would say if he told them he wanted to go out romantically with their daughter. Even telling the married female friends his age that he is even occasionally on a "buddy date" with someone young causes those female friends to get really wierd and do extremely odd things--send stalker types his age after him, hide their daughters (even to sending out of the room he enters when the daughters want to talk to him for other reasons-like career counseling, etc.), constantly try to set him up (and I don't mean arrange dates, I mean arrange ambushes), etc. [and the list goes on both annoyingly and endlessly. And if he divorced someone, the responses are infinitely worse, especially from his own female relatives. Now not all of this may apply exactly to your fellow, but it has a factual basis in my own personal experience and the experience of a number of men similarly situated--we have to talk about something in bars, you know.]

So, the solution, to the extent that there is one, is really really simple. If you want him, prove to him that you are not a young girl. Prove to him that you know exactly what you are doing. Prove to him that you know exactly who you are. Prove to him that you know exactly what you want. Prove to him that you are a fully mature woman. I know that sounds impossible, but it's not.

First, you need to be a woman. Do you in fact know what you want? Do you in fact know how you feel about this man? He can't even keep himself from blurting out that he loves you. You stay silent. You let him make that into a thing he should apologize for. And you say nothing. THIS IS NOT GOOD. IT IS EXACTLY THE WRONG THING. If I wrote a script for you it would instead have you dancing around the place saying, singing, yelling, [whatever mode you prefer], "You said you loved me, you said you loved me, [repeat at least until he protests]." Or how about some of the following: "No I'm not going to accept your apology, I'm just going to use your body shamelessly for my own needs from now on." "Go make me breakfast; a man who loves me would." "No, you don't get out of this that easily. I'm going to hold you to that." "OK. Why do you love me?" "Does this mean that I get to run and jump on you and hug you in public if I feel like it? It sure better!" "Does this mean you are going to hug me in public on escalators? It better! [I put that one in for Melanie-cl] "Now how much do you love me? Enough to have a bunch of children?" "So when is the wedding?" "How do you feel about children?" Feel free to make him happy, blush or even uncomfortable. Look the elephant is in the room. If you ignore it, that is just not at all grown up. By contrast, in my script, you say whatever you need to in order to force him to acknowledge that you like the fact that he "loves" you, and that it has some grown up implications. And you expect certain things. And that you don't think that it is bad or evil to see grown up implications, but on the whole a wonderful thing. In my script, you tease him and let him know that you know exactly what you want. You let him know you are a grownup by delighting in what you want from him. Know yourself. You have to express how you feel, in completely grownup and adult terms. And do it now. Practice if you need to. It's OK. All the rest of us need practice too.

Second, on the more sad and serious side, you just need to demand the respect that you are entitled to. Let's face it, this is not respect. He is protecting you from himself, which implies that you are an infant. When he says those things, "you're too young", disagree with him. Do so forcefully. Tell him you find it insulting if you do. Frankly IMHO you should. Tell him he's just being silly and insecure. [Most men will do anything not to be "silly and insecure."] As "Father" Bill, your "confessor", I even hereby sanction you bringing out the Big Guns--crying, but it has to be mad crying and not just "helpless" blubbering. Anger is OK. Don't be afraid of telling him that he is not being fair to you. He's not. Somehow, you have to let him know that you consider that line of thinking, which proclaims you a helpless infant, is just totally and completely unacceptable.

Third, neutralize the opposition. Ask him, "Why the hell are you apologizing for loving me? Is someone you know so stupid that they think that is wrong?" [It is likely that his ex-employee, who probably thought it was her place to be involved with him, would be one. Bring her up. Together discuss what a dork she is being.] Demand specifics. Who? What? When? Where? How? Tell him how foolish such notions are with regard to you. Calm him. Give him things to say when he gets oppressed by others.

Fourth, don't be afraid to chase him some. I sincerely assure you, based on your post alone, that you will know if you have gone too far. BUT DON'T WITHDRAW. That would validate entirely his feelings that his love is wrong and something to be apologized for. AND SAY SOMETHING. "Come here; let me tell you what I want", is always a good start. I offer you the following famous, well known and even published love story to illustrate my point further.

There was a man, who managed recording artists, and at age 38, he signed this young 12-year-old female artist who was the youngest of 14 children from a poor family. She was an exceptional girl in all ways. Her voice was to dream of. But also she was very very exceptionally grown up for her age, intelligent, philosophically astute, not spoiled, pampered or willful. In short, she was the perfect artist to manage. Eight years later, one night, at age 20 this girl totally shocked and surprized this then 46 year old man, by trying to seduce him. He actually ran away to his own room in the hotel. He adored her. She was beautiful. He ran. And he wouldn't even answer the phone when she called at first. She was persistant. So later that evening she succeeded. This poor confused 46 year old was trying to treat her as a child. What a joke. At 20, this woman knew exactly what she wanted. His name is Rene Angelil. Her name is Celine Dion.



So I say seize the moment!!! Take charge and do it!!! You're losing good quality 'couple' time :)

EM~ That was some first-rate advice. I don't know where you found that guy, but does he do personal calls? My OM could stand to hear some of that from time to time. Heck, I'll just print it out and give it to him. (Too bad he's in Memphis right now enjoying a big happy blues fest WITHOUT ME:( ) Oh well, he needs to bond with his uncles, and they're a crazy bunch. Anyway....that story about Celine Dion was inspiring. I didn't know her husband was that much older than her!
Young_un~ You NEED to tell him how you feel.....you've got a trip planned, to meet your parents, correct? If he's not shying away from this....I don't think he'll mind that you love him. In fact I'll bet he feels the same way, he might just have Older Man Syndrome, better known as Fear Of Taking Advantage Of Young Woman Syndrome. It's clearly outlined in Em's post above. Go for it!

I know...this guy is amazing....too bad he isn't on this board! He was friggen' awesome.

Love that story about Celine too. I knew he was older...but damn. Now D has told me that I am persistant....after reading that...I guess that's a good thing :)

Wow....

Now I have conquered a great disease??? lol...Datura...you ARE too much....

And Young-un...I think you get the point....It Will work!!!

The IrishKid

The disease is sooo true!

A song for you!!! (Oldie - & I can't remember who sings it. Shondells, Rondells, something like that)

"I know, something about love....
God I want it bad
If that guy's got into your blood
Go out and get him
If you want him to be...(something suh-hum-thing)
Here's just what to do:

Tell him that 'cha neveah gonna leave him
Tell him that 'cha always gonna love him
Tell him, tell him tell him tell him right now...."

BWAH HA HA HA HA.

All kidding aside - "GO FOR IT GURRRRL"

Love,
Super-Duper-Hyper-Ready-For-The-Weekend-Happy
(Those APPLES really ARE something!!! Screw coffee! ROFL)

I'm super happy that happy is happy...your too much girl...i love it! :)

Ok - so I did it.... just told him straight out that there was something on my mind for a while that I needed to share with him and I was just like.... "I'm in love with you Joe".... and then there was silence....

He was like...."you are, huh?" and then just pulled me in closer and stroked my hair all night and held me as tight as possible...... because the "silence" was killing me I then said.... "is that okay, did I make things worse?" and he was like..."of course not.... that can only make things better..... it's only getting better with you"

So no "I love you too" but I'm not sure how to read into this!?


Any suggestions?!

Young....

OMG...sooo good for you. Some guys really just dont know how to say those three words,....ILY...(smile). If you look at his body language...what did he say??? Exactly!!!! If he were shocked at this revelation, he would not have held you tight.

Extra points to you for...

"is that okay, did I make things worse?" and he was like..."of course not.... that can only make things better..... it's only getting better with you"

How brave and straight forward of you. For me, I need my lover to act mature and not ever like she is caught up in what 'girls' of young 20's are into. When she is pro-active and assertive, I know she is able then, to handle me. And yes, sometimes I need handling....;-)

I hope you two made passionate love after your talk. That would also be a strong indicator that you have moved your relationship to the next level.

Keep us posted...

The IrishKid

..."of course not.... that can only make things better..... it's only getting better with you"

even if he is not ready to express his feelings in the same ways you are, i would take his words and actions as a good sign! maybe different people progress at different rates when they fall in love, but it sounds as if the future holds good things for you!

yeah for you young!!! it takes some serious guts. even though the words were not returned...his actions and the words he did say were meaningful enough to gather a conclusion of his feelings. If he didn't feel the same in the slightest, he wouldn't have done and said the things he did.

good for you and congrats....we're all here for you! :D

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who offered their advice, I really do appreciate it!

We spent yesterday/last night together again, and his whole demeanor has changed (for the best!) toward me.... he is always making sure to be touching me in some way and is definitely acting as though he feels the same way..... guess that just proves that actions definitely speak louder than words!

Thats great to hear young-un,

Best of luck and keep us posted. Hope to hear your love story as it unfolds!

Don

Good for you Young..... congrads... I love happy endings.!!!!

How super fabulous is this news! It can't get any better right now :D

Keep us posted and let us know the new with you :)

you go young-un!! im happy for you!!:)

young-un...are things going super fabulous!? Let us know...we can't be left hangin'!!! :D