The dreaded moment has arrived....

Hello everyone. I'm losing my mind a bit right now, and I don't know what to do. Last night, I was at home. Chatting with the parents. We were talking of school and finances, they suggested I move home to save money to finish up, and suddenly, I freaked out. I couldn't take it anymore- I mean, I felt like they don't even know me, because they didn't know about me seeing an older guy or any of the stuff that went on because of it. So I spilled my guts. Told them everything. At first, the reaction was quiet shock. Then bad went to worse. Everything I suspected about the worst possible scenario reaction happened, and then even worse. Of course they think he's some old loser that seduced me, he's ruining my life, and I'm too young/naive/stupid to see it realistically. I got told what an embarrassment I am, how stupid, how I should be on Jerry Springer, how I must be lacking something upstairs and that I need mental help. Also mentioned more than several times was that there would be NO HAPPY ENDING to this, and that they would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER accept him as a part of my life or family. Never. NEVER. My mom ordered me to stop seeing him, while my dad just sat back and said it will end itself anyway once things are 'harder'. (That means they are planning to make it 'harder' for me. ) Naturally I'm torn. I knew this would cause my family a lot of hurt and stress, which is why I avoided telling them for so long. It hurts me that they're hurt, but also that they have so little trust in my reasoning abilities, and that they think such horribly untrue things about someone I love. A lot of it has to do with age, and a lot I think has to do with money. They know I met him at work (which was at a bakery) and they think he's a complete dirt bag living paycheck to paycheck. I mean, the man makes 55 grand a year, I know that's not awesome, but it's not dirt-poor either. He only has a two-year degree, which is another strike against him. I guess I have shattered their image of me going off to college, meeting a nice boy, getting married, etc. and they think any deviation from said plan will bring a lifetime of sorrow and regret. They regard him as ruining my life, and me looking to him to avoid dealing with the reality of graduation and entry to the "real world". They actually said I'm dating him because it's EASY!!! Ha, what a joke. If they only knew the shit I've gotten from friends, and heard through the grapevine about what people think. If I wanted easy, I would not have considered dating him, knowing what people would think. I'm his piece of *** when he's freshly divorced, and he is some kind of way for me to skip all the unpleasantness that the "real world" initially is. My parents think I'm insane, and "chemically imbalanced", and they have threatened to murder him if they ever see him. So now what? What am I to do, wait for them to make my life hell? Hope they cool down? (I don't see that happening for, oh, 10 years.) I don't even know what to do about summer classes. They were supposed to be the last credits my parents paid for, but now I'm not counting on that either. Then that leaves fall semester. My plan was to take out a fairly small loan to finish the rest, but seeing as I have no credit and my dad still claims me as a dependent because he's paying for school, I probably can't get one without a co-signer. So now my OM is freaking out too, saying he can loan me the money he gets off the sale of some land he had, but I know he was planning to pay off a couple debts with it and I feel terrible. So basically I feel a little lighter for having this secret out of my mouth, but it's made everyone around me feel terrible. I'm afraid my OM will end this now, because he doesn't want to be involved with someone whose family hates him and have it set a bad example for his son. What an absolute mess. Am I nuts for thinking this can work out? Do I have to give in to my parents in order to be happy? Wouldn't I just despise them for making me give up a man I love? I've got my hands tied both financially and emotionally. The only certainty is that I'm going to find a counselor. I need to prove to myself that I'm not crazy and sick for loving someone older and not as rich as my parents wanted. Anyone have any experience or help to add? I would really appreciate it. :(

Oh, wow.

Rough situation.

I wish I had some astute advice to give you, but I have no personal experience with this problem. I made a clean break from my parents a long time ago. It was hard, but it was right. By living on my own without their help, I proved that I can make my own decisions. Does my Mom always agree with them? Heck no, and she never will. But because it is my life, she says her piece--or doesn't say it but gets that pained, "you have no idea what you are doing and I'm not going to tell you" while biting her tongue look. But thats my Mom, and I love her even though we never see eye to eye, and in her heart I believe she just wants what is best for me.

Your parents have to make their own choices, datura, and part of your being adult and independent is being able to sever their OPINIONS from yourself. It is their opinion that you are crazy, and incapable of making sound decisions? Really. I know this opinion weighs heavily on you--but it is NOT you!!

Right now you are saying, but its more complicated than that. You're right--it is. AND, it isn't.

Financially dependent on parents--how old are you, datura? Because I know there is an age by which you can sever your finances from those of your parents when it comes to financial aid. I believe it involves a period of time lived on your own, but you need to look into this. Because once the parents are off your financial aid request, you get more financial aid for college. Look into this.

Basically, what I'm saying is this: you are emotionally overwhelmed right now. You're just about wrung out, right? (hugs) Its hard to think...but give yourself a bit of recovery time. Take some breathing room. And realize, and KNOW--that there is always more than one answer to every problem.

It isn't "their way or the highway", there are a lot of options for you. Right now you are probably having a hard time seeing thru it though.

You'll get there. You are strong, and capable, and definitely NOT crazy. You CAN make good decisions. You CAN choose the right way...and so can your parents. You need to live your life, and make your choices--because you CAN. And they need to make their choices--like, how to react to you. What they will or will not do about your decisions. Its like this: parents have a major hold over us. And they always will. But your parents have to decide to use that power for good or for ill, and you cannot control their actions. All you can control is how you react to their actions.

They can TRY to make your life harder--as you are worried about.

And you can let them succeed at this...or not.

Getting a counselor sounds like a good idea--but only if you are doing it for yourself, not for them. Don't let their idea that "you are crazy" make up your mind about it. But talking to someone is always a good thing, in my opinion.

Datura...you can and will get through this. Read the archives on this site. I know I've read more than one tale of parents hitting the roof at first--I recall one involving cops and the priest, for crying out loud...but a lot of these stories were resolved in the parents coming around.

So keep hope, dear.

We're pulling for you.

And tomorrow is another day...a better day:)

Lara, I know you're right. Right on about everything. This whole parent/child relationship is like a chess game, and I'm waiting for their move. My dad told me last night that he will always love me, and he would never disown me, no matter what. I figured as much. But it's quite a bleak life to be tolerated rather than accepted. There's a great difference there. Also knowing what a great person my boyfriend is, and that they would certainly love him under different circumstances, makes it even harder. I know this is all very new and shocking to them, but I thought they would know better than to completely over-react. I mean, the first time you think about the age gap, it's shocking. The 100th time, it's still shocking. By the 1,000th time, it has lost some of its value, and eventually it's like seeing yet another kid with blue hair, and you think "does anyone really care? is that really different?" As for money and school, I'm not extremely worried. I don't have a lot left, but I don't want to take time off either. (I want to end this misery as quickly as possible and look for My Real Job.) It's damn near impossible to work enough to pay both rent and tuition at the same time here, and our tuition hike next year is another 15%. That's why so many people take 5+ years to finish a 4-yr degree. If you don't have loans, scholarships, or a generous parent with money to spend, you'll probably have to take 'breaks' to save up every couple semesters. Believe me if I had an extra 5 grand to spend on tuition, books and fees beyond living expenses, I would. But I don't make much money working part time, and anyone that would turn down a free four years of college is nuts in my book. That's all coming to an end, but I would have to be independent for a year to apply for aid or loans based solely on my income. I could wait around for this, but that would mean more time. The real worry is having to choose between being the family outcast or losing my favorite person in the world. I'm not prepared to do either actually. But it will take a lot of time before anyone comes to see 'my way'. That's ok though. Because while I'm still going to see a counselor, I trust myself. I'm not crazy. Funny how all that open-mindedness is good in theory.....but people don't like it in practice. :rolleyes:

Detura,

Lara has given you alot of good advise to ponder on. The only thing I'm wondering about is that your OM has offered to lend you the money for school. I'm not saying go for it but don't take his gesture lightly, He obviously loves you enough to say ...hey we are in this together and I'd like to help.

Just thinking your helping him by not taking his money, may have the opposite effect on him. Making him feel like you don't want to depend on him so to say. It sounds like he loves you deeply and that to him, your problems outweigh his debts at this point.

Money can always be a hard thing between couples, and has been the breaking point for many a relationship. Just the same many a relationship has gone the test of time with one or the other giving all they had into it, and both being ahead in the end and still happy together.

Just wanted you to keep an open mind to your mans feelings during all this chaos as I'm sure hes hurting just as bad as you are right now.

Hugs and please keep us posted.

Don

Yes, Rolls, you're right. He is terribly guilty right now, and thinks he's ruining my life. He says he can see a lot of things my parents are concerned about (as if I can't) because he's a parent. I'm worried the only reason he wants to loan me this money is because he feels it's "his fault". To that I say, no more than mine, honey. Of course he doesn't listen though. I don't want to spend his money, he's just gettting out of the hole financially from his divorce, and I know how much better he feels overall when he's making headway and getting things paid off. He also doesn't look forward to a life of people hating him for no reason. I understand this, I had a boyfriend whose mother didn't like me for apparently no reason either. It bothers you to not know what someone's thinking, but knowing it's wrong and it means that person doesn't like you. And with family there are always mixed loyalties. I love my parents, but they will undoubtedly be stubborn and slow to warm. I'm not looking forward to the months ahead, but having YOU GUYS helps more than you know.
P.S. Lara, I remember that story about the cops and the priest.....
wasn't it Felix??? But they got over it the VERY NEXT DAY....I'm not so lucky.

do you still live with your parents, dautra?

No, I don't still live there. I've lived at school for 3 years now. There's no way I could have kept my relationship a secret this long if I lived at home, or probably done much of anything I've done in college if I lived at home. Problem is, they assumed I'd move back after I graduate, to get on my feet. That would be fine, assuming I could still live my life as I'm used to. I don't see that happening, so I'm not moving home.

I have no experience in this arena. I've been saying f**k you to my parents since I was, like, five, I think ;) Over the years, they've just learned to roll with the punches. I'm a good gal, but conventional I ain't.

I'm also older than you & have already been married. So while my family worries about my relationship with B, (except my mom) no one can really say anything. (For they fear the wrath of Happy! ROFL. Remember? Dante says I'm VIOLENT!)

There are so many things to worry about in a YW/OM relationship. I mean, if all goes as nature generally directs, I'm going to be having to worry about the health of my parents AND my lover declining all in the same general time period; I'm having to worry that once he *does* die (if it goes that way) that I won't have anything from him except for memories; I won't have any children to fill my time; that I'll be alone and still relatively young; I can't "retire" along with him; I DO occasionally have this fearful vision of me going to visit mom, dad and B in the nursing home all in one day! It's a valid thing for your parents to fear the same for you.

I am certain you parents had envisioned you going off to college, graduating and finding a fella that would make John Kennedy Jr. look like a hillbilly.

Unfortunately, it is rare that an adult will fullfill every fantasy their parents have mapped out for them. My parents can't complain that I haven't done a bang up job on living out my life, I'm generally all right. I'm not what they wanted me to be, but that's not why people have children, right?

I think you SHOULD go to a therapist. Talk to that person and maybe that will help your parents at least feel like your judgment is sound. And, like you said, go for YOURSELF.

And I think, that if you can, gently speak to your parents and apologize for upsetting them. Because from what you wrote, I get the impression that this all just came out like "BOOM!!!", supersonic words-all-running-together...which tends to give the impression that one is insane.

When you speak to your parents next time, try to speak calmly, gently and light. Explain to them that you are SO SORRY for causing them any pain or hurting them in any way - that you did NOT intend for that to happen. DO NOT, however apologize for being in love. Tell them that you love them very much and if they feel the need to "punish" you for being in this relationship, then so be it. That you'll be disapointed, but not angry (even if that's a lie). Tell them that but cutting you off, that is only going to make you dependent upon other means of finishing school, but since finishing school is so important to you, that you'll do whatever you need to to finish...hugs, kisses etc." DO NOT let them bait you into appearing like an emotional psycho-case. I can tell you that the minute a person starts to yell or get emotional is the minute the person getting yelled at quits taking you seriously.

That's just my err...fifty cents..

I am so very, very, very, very sorry you are having to go through this. I am sending lots of love your way.

Hugs and much love,
Happy

Independence is difficult...but I bet it is tough on parents too.

See, they have "been there" and "done that" and a lot of their advice and worry comes from wanting to stop us, their children, from repeating their errors.

Well, they can't. The only true way to learn is, unfortunately sometimes, from experience.

We're going to make bad choices. We're going to mess up. We're going to repeat some or all of their very mistakes...but we will survive, just as they did. Plus...just because they took actions A, B, and C and got result X...well, it doesn't necessarily mean that we will. We might take actions A, B, and C and get result Q...hopefully, a better result.

Experience is the wisest teacher...so, Mom and Dad have to let us learn. Even if every lesson comes complete with hard knocks.

Datura, Happy4Me has it right. Tell them you love them; tell them sorry for the fighting and emotional tumult, but DON'T say sorry for your choices. And do try to talk when everyone can be calm, cool, and collected, as she also said.

And yes, moving back home after being independent is tough. I've very rarely seen it work out. It takes a lot of compromise between parents and kids, and is tough all around to make every one agreeable. I think it would be best to try to find a way to live on your own...if you cannot do it, then there has to be a SERIOUS talk, maybe even a written agreement...You agree to respect them, they agree to respect your choices, you agree to be considerate of their lifestyle, and they agree to not infringe on yours. Like, you don't come home drunk at 3a.m. every night--but if you do once in a while, they don't give you heck.

The next few weeks are going to be very tough, I suspect. Maybe try to bring your parents and your man together, in a non-threatening situation. Backyard BBQ versus Fancy restaurant.

Talk about your guy to your parents. Tell them little tidbits about why he is so great..."oh i had the worst day and he rubbed my back and made me dinner."

As for your guy...he needs to let go of his guilt, and you can help in this by giving him LOTS of reassurance.

Well....I wrote an encyclopedia again.

We're pulling for you, Datura

:)

Yes, i had problems, a lot of problems, when i told my parents about ST. My dad was the worst....my mom would vacillate back and forth, indecisive on the issue. She would take his side and then change her mind and act like it was alright and then go back to extreme negativity....

It took a year and a half for things to finally die down.....i felt like the black sheep of the family for the first time. I was always the most obedient daughter...and then all of a sudden, everything changed.

My father told me that this "old guy" was just trying to take advantage of me and i was too naive to see it. He said that i am young and i am stubborn, so i don't see it....he said he didn't want to see me hurt. He said that this "old man" is much wiser than I am and he knows how to play his cards. My father even threatened to stop paying for my college. He told me i have to follow his rules because he pays for my education. I told him it was my life and that he should respect my life. He even blamed himself for not doing a very good job as a father...even thought maybe he was being punished for taking advantage of women when he was young.

My mom focused on the religious aspect of it....wondering if God would think it was okay....and since he had been divorced, was that okay with God.....then she told me that she felt it was a sin under the Catholic church.....and then she told me that i should find someone young and untouched.....

After a year, the controversy had died down...and has progressively become better, and now, two years later, it is much better. My mother is almost completely fine with my relationship, and my father, well, he keeps his mouth shut most of the time, even though he still disapproves.

Parents will threaten to disown you; they will threaten to stop paying for your college; and they will use every scare tactic in the book....eventually, they tend to get over it because no matter what they cause you to believe, they still love you. They would rather bend a little in their rules and be a little more tolerant than to lose you. The initial shock that they receive is the worst stage...from there, things can only get better. I was afraid when ST met my parents...thought my father would kick his ***....but my father and mother were polite enough, kept all their rudeness and disapproval inside.

I have taken crap from everyone....parents, friends, etc.....it is horrible. A few of my friends (they weren't good friends) said that ST was a child molester....said he was sick....told me that it would be gross when he got even older....said that if i got married to him i would not experience the same "growing old together" thing. ....said i could not possibly be on the same page as this guy.

You just have to be strong....hold true...you have to be tough....it shows character and maturity......do not sacrifice your beliefs for anyone....people will respect that. Do not give them leverage on you....they will try. I would doubt myself...do not doubt yourself for anything. I only wish i knew about this message board in the initial stages of my relationship.

Remember, your parents love you...they think they are doing what is best for you...show them that you are mature and strong.... they will make threats...they don't mean it.

Good luck! ~Muse

Datura....

I think I was the first to read your posting...and I have pondered on what response would be of help to you. I sensed your pain...and wondered what it would be like. I haven't been there. But I do have kids your age...so I think I understand your parents...even if I don't agree with them.

I have already had this talk with my lover...so don't be surprised by what I say. I think as parents who love their daughter (yes, i have one)...we have some real idealism about what we want for her...sometimes it is unfairly different than what we want for our sons (yes I have those, too). I am sure I would not respond well to such a revelation. Trust me...the first time hearing it would catch me by surprise, and I am not sure that what would come out of my mouth...would honor anyone. I am really surprised that your dad didnt come unglued.

Having said that, I would say...my love for my daughter would always win out. I love her...and ultimately want her happiness. Lara's advice....

Talk about your guy to your parents. Tell them little tidbits about why he is so great..."oh i had the worst day and he rubbed my back and made me dinner."

...is just about right on. If your parents are really ok with you being sexually active...and you talk about it with them, then I wouldnt mind the 'rubbed my back' allusion which makes me wonder what came after....lol But definitely tell them pieces of why you love him. How he treats you is key. If they happen to be aware of a past relationship you had that was not good???(seems like we all have them), then contrast the two. It's all about your happiness...

If you can emotionally wall off your feelings when you talk with them, I think you will do much better in getting your points accross. Remember...parents want your happiness...show them. You DID drop a bomb on them...even tho it is the truth. Give them time to recover before you consider your relationship over for the rest of your life....;-) There IS life after this kind of discussion. Remember...how you handle this is setting a pattern for your adult life with your parents. You ARE an adult...and happen to be their child. Keep the perspective.

Some how...very subtly...they have to understand that they could be out of your life for good if this doesnt resolve. Hopefully they read between the lines and figure it out for themselves. You might have children...that they would not know??? They sound like they really love you. Take heart in that. If they didnt love you...they wouldnt really care.

I like Happy's point....

And I think, that if you can, gently speak to your parents and apologize for upsetting them. Because from what you wrote, I get the impression that this all just came out like "BOOM!!!", supersonic words-all-running-together...which tends to give the impression that one is insane.

Apologize for actions that hurt...not for the object of your love. I am sure you did not want to hurt them...or emotionally stir them up.

I am sure our words have already been thought of by you already. Just know that we are here for you and would be happy to continue the dialogue with you. If you need any more insights about a man that loves his daughter....ask away. ;-)

Datura, you have to be proud of the way you handled things with them. They may be seeing you as an adult for the first time in their lives..... Way to go!!!!!!

The IrishKid

Datura.....
Oh my goodness, I really don't know what to tell you because I've never been in this situation. All I can really add is know that your parents love you and will eventually calm down, stick with it and follow the advice given above.

Lots of love!
EM

I tried to reply last night, but once again Ageless shut me down. I get so sick of that. I don't really remember what I was saying..... Oh yeah, the OM is taking all of this too personally and has decided this will never work. I try to tell him, to my parents you are Mr. X, age 39, divorced with child. That's all they know about him, really. So to get offended by their worst fears and accusations.....would be like Kate Moss getting offended by someone who's never seen her calling her obese. I mean, when people say bad things about me that are completely untrue (like my roommate) it upsets me, but then I think, well they really don't know what's going on. So it's comical in an annoying sort of way. The timing of all of this is really inopportune. I have finals coming up, 3+ months worth of information crammed into 2 hour increments of hell, and I'm worried about my parents' opinion of me and my boyfriend bailing out. How can I convince him to settle down until the situation evens out a little more?
MUSE- what do you say your parents call my parents??? ;)
Try to talk some sense into them??? I mean I didn't go home and say I was engaged or anything drastic, I just want to see where this goes! They're acting as if I'm on the road to hell. When's that Ageless convention going down??? I need to see some flesh-and-blood level-headed people, to remind myself they're still out there!

I can't help it. Damn those e-mail notifications! I'll try to keep this short.

Datura - I can't tell you how sorry I am this has all gone down this way.

1. Try to explain to the honey that your stress level is at critical max; that your exams are coming up and that if truly loves you you NEED HIS HELP RIGHT NOW.

2. That YES, your parents reaction IS an issue, but that you have things you NEED to get done and what you NEED (not want, but absolutely NEED) is for his level head to preavail.

3. Ask him "DO YOU LOVE ME?" (answer - yes) "Then puh-leeze, attend to my actual, SERIOUS NEEDS at the moment."

Really, Dat, you NEED to get through your exam;
You NEED to have his love and support;
You DO NOT NEED him freaking out too.

You are all on a life raft at this point - you, your parents & your man. (the butcher, the baker the candlestickmaker...) and if EVERYONE is freaking out, the needle on the compass is going haywire and the boat is a' rockin' chances of survival are slim to none.

Tell him that SOMEONE needs to calm down and let their cooler head prevail. Tell him that his ego can be brusied and you can nurse it back from the insults inflicted by your parents reaction AS SOON AS YOU GET THROUGH THIS CRITICAL POINT.

Tell him you understand his feelings, but if he could hold all of those thoughts until you get through exam time, you can explore them TOGETHER.

If you guys can get through an explosion like this, you can make it through just about any conflict that comes your way.

Datura - I can *feel* the stress coming off of your post. Try, as hard as you can, to focus on each and every task at hand. Master your concentration while taking those damn exams. And the minute you find your thoughts floating off into other subjects, close your eyes and become aware of how those emotions are affecting your body, physically (tight chest, knotted stomach, furrowed brow...) take deep breaths, heavy exhilations and conciously clear your mind and focus on the task at hand. If you need to, imagine one of the parrots from Huxleys "Island" saying "ATTENTION! HERE AND NOW! ATTENTION! HERE AND NOW!"

As a matter of fact, tell both the OM and the parental units to BACK OFF WITH THE NEGATIVITY until you get these exams over with. Then, and only then, after you've been given what you need, will you be available for negatively influenced conversation.

And if ANY of them have a problem with THAT, tell them to call me. I am totally SWAMPED at work (because I was screwing around AGAIN yesterday, right ??), but I'll be glad to give them all a kind, hypnotic brainwashing.

Sending love, light, harmony, joy and peace of mind your way,
Happy

datura... this is the gal who can make the hard decisions, right? You're the strong one here, you've proven it.

Everyone else has given you fabulous advice (Happy continues to write voluminous posts whilst officially "absent" from the boards;) )... all I'll say is

FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

Do what feels right - if the others are with you they're with you, if they're not, you are the pulsing, confident, loving beacon of light moving FORWARD. Unstoppable. Believe me, act with compassion (to them), confidence (for yourself) and love (to everyone).
- RUN YOUR OWN RACE... make no apologies for how you feel... and let's just see what happens then.;)

Datura....

On the parent issue.... the only advice i can give is to give them more time... it takes time to digest some things... i'm going through the same thing where i just recently told my parents i am in love with a 47 year old man and i'm moving completely across the country to be with him for at least the summer... and hopefully longer... depending on what happens with law schools that i applied to, etc....... they semi-freaked, don't really understand it at all, think that it's a 'sick' relationship, that there's no way we can have anything in common and all those other lovely things all of us hear about our relationships.... however, my love pointed out to me that if they didn't truly love me, they would never act like they did/are.... letting time go by without dwelling on my relationship, but talking more about everyday things has helped a bit....
As to the whole thing with your guy separating himself from your situation.... it could be that he's just genuinely scared for you, that because of him your relationship with your parents is ruined or will be, if not yet.... or that maybe he wasn't ready to be as serious as you telling your parents made your relationship (which is doubtful).... so i agree with everyone else really.... talk to him, tell him you need his help and support in this.... guys like it when you ask them for help anyway... it makes them feel useful for more than just ummmmm opening jars and mowing the lawn?.... hang in there.... things always find a way to work out somehow

Hi guys. I'm not about to jump out a window just yet. I spent the day with the OM, we had a good day until he got a phone call and found out his son is acting up in school again. He talked to him, told him "you're coming with me on Friday night, and we're gonna TALK!!!" and five minutes later his mom called back wanting to know what he said cuz the boy ran to the basement crying. Ah, the joys of parenting.....I can wait a few years. :) It feels like things have settled down a bit in the past couple days; OM has let up on the doom-and-gloom talk somewhat, and my dad asked me if I wanted to go visit some old family friends with the rest of my family next weekend. I accepted prematurely though, I forgot I have my last final......Saturday....2:30 in the afternoon. :rolleyes: Of course the OM thinks this is just a ploy to get me alone and talk some sense into me, because I don't usually spend much time with my family at all. I don't know what to think, I don't want to overanalyze this, and I don't want to avoid my parents. That won't solve anything, just make them more worried, so now I'm pissed that I can't go and that they'll think I made up an excuse. I'm hemming and hawing about directing my dad to Ageless, because I think reading the boards would help him, but then I don't want to lose my "haven" from the storm. Maybe I could just print a few things off and send them to him? In the meantime I'm just WILLING things to go MY WAY. Concentrating....it feels like trying to move a mountain with my mind....but IT WILL GO!!!!!
Happy! Thanks for the reply girl! (Thanks to everyone for that matter, but Happy's supposed to be "on leave") Now don't get yourself in trouble at work- those e-mail notifications are a *****. They're like spam!

datura,

Thanks for the update, Sounds like its settling down for you a bit at least. And whatever their plans, its good that your folks still want to talk with you. Hope it goes well for you and hope you'll keep us posted on it as well.

Don

D-

So far so good...printing posts from Ageless and sending them to Pop....I agree :) Great idea. In fact...it's a FABULOUS idea. People elude situations they don't understand. Educating someone about a May/December romance, may actually help them in their current romance. It shows that love truly holds not boundries. Best of luck to ya sweetie!!

~EMCAD

Ok guys. Just how much time am I supposed to give them before I say **** it, go ahead and disown me??? I have tried very patiently, sent lengthy heart-wrenching e-mails, only to get the reply that my keeping them in the dark shows my immaturity, my unwanted pregnancy showed my stupidity (!!!!!!!!) and that they can't allow me to get trapped in a 'no-win' situation at my age.
I CANNOT talk to them and have them listen to me as anything besides a little girl. It is infuriating, and quite a few things have angered me more than I was before we tried 'communicating'. I can't even begin to FATHOM that they would actually turn me out because of who I'm dating. My mother says she wants nothing to do with me unless I break off the relationship, and that she's fully prepared to stick by that.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING ANY OF THIS!!!!!

I know how great and fabulous being in love is, but what if my relationship doesn't last? (According to my dad I already know it can't last because of the age, I'm just too young and stubborn to see it :mad: ) Then would it really be worth it to cut ties with my family, if that is the choice they're actually going to make???
I was supposed to go home and watch my dog while they're away this weekend- but was now informed they'd rather I not be there. This whole thing is a mad mess, and I thought time was supposed to make things better, not worse. Are they just trying to scare me into complying with their wishes? Or would they really go off the deep end and disown me over this??? Is this even MY call? I've told them what's going on in my life. I feel what they decide to do with that information is not my decision, but THEIRS. So why am I getting the guilt trip? I'm beginning to not want to choose either. I don't want the man, or the family. Just a one-way ticket to a different life.

Do they honestly think our relationship would be worth a damn if they manage to force my hand at this??? Because it's worth very little right now.

I cannot express to you how sorry I am that you are going through this.

I'll tell you this, though, my mother and I quit speaking to each other for years because of an incident involving choices SHE made. We only started talking again after my brother was killed. After which, we both acknowledged that we were reminded of how ridiculous it is to quit speaking to someone because you disagree with their choice. Death makes everything seem petty, really.

The way I see it - you have no guarantee that your OM will always love you. You are *supposed* to have the guarantee that your parents love you through whatever choices and decisions you make. A parent's love is *supposed* to be unconditional. I am sure your parents love you. I just think they are using what any person would fear the most - the loss of the love of a parent. I do not think that's right and I do not think it is fair. If, as according to your father, your relationship isn't going to last anyway, then why are they making such a huge deal out of it? Why are they so worried? If it's just going to end in disaster, as they predict, then why don't they just sit back, watch it happen and offer love, support and a few I told you so's when its over? BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID. They are afraid for you; they are afraid of how this reflects on them - because even the most enlightened humans still have egos; they are afraid of embarrassment, abnormality, they are afraid that the little vignette they staged for you in their heads will never come to fruitition.

Here is where your decision is the hardest - and no one here would judge you either way - but you have to decide whether you are ready to make adult choices and live with adult (although, on your parents' end, I must say CHILDISH) consequences. Maybe you haven't had enought life experience to say "Hey, you know what? I will always love you guys, but I am making a decision here. Be aware that I'm NOT choosing HIM over the both of YOU - I am merely making a decision based on my wants and needs. I'll be here when you want to talk and when you can love me again." Privately and HONESTLY assess your situation and your soul. Assess your wants and needs without the opinions of others (your parents, you OM & us) and decide whether you are ready to make that kind of decision. Are you REALLY ready to break the ties that bind? It's o.k. if you decide that you aren't! I mean, neither of these scenarios are easy, but your parents have made it very (errrr...) "apparent" that its him or them. They've handed that decision down to you and would rather torture you with fear than let you experience your life for yourself.

I wish I could say that you could choose the OM and your parents would just be like "ohhhh, alright....", but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen.

And look, if you choose life with the OM and a year, two years, five years from now, it doesn't work out - don't you DARE look back and think that you made the wrong choice. We all do the best we can at the time - and that is always the right decision because eventually, no matter what we do, what "is" is and what "is" is what's supposed to be.

Big hug, lots of love and strength your way,
Happy

D!!!!

now if Happy's post isn't good advice...then I don't know what is! Read it again, and again, and again....then let sit for a while...and read it again! make sure you truly understand her post...because man, i was touched by those words. so true, so hard, yet so real. and then when your all done reading...get some food, grab a blanket, watch tv or a movie and then before going to bed READ IT AGAIN, sleep on it...see if you get any messages through a dream.


damn Happy...your good!

Originally posted by EMCAD80
D!!!!damn Happy...your good!

It ain't me! It's just that Datura's situation has really moved me and I feel for her. Parents usually don't remember what it was like to be young - the stress and worry that come with raising children and being responsible for another human life can beat the "inner child/young person" out of a person. And in situations where parents threaten a child (of any age) with being disowned troubles me deeply. I've met parents of children who have committed heinous crimes - people that no one other than a parent wants love - but their parents can't walk away from them because they don't see the criminal; they see thier child and love them through their crimes.

Datura is hardly committing a crime. She is just not living up to behavior prescribed by society or her parents. Parents seem to have a hard time acknowledging exactly *when* their children can make decisions for themselves. Parents project futures for their children forgetting that they don't have little versions of themselves running around, but actual thinking, feeling beings; spirits that have come here to test out earth and see what it's like to live with pleasure, pain and triumph. How disapointed they are when their fantasies don't work out exactly the way THEY want them to. Estranged parents and children usually come back together when they have some semblance of understanding that they are *not* in control. Relinquishing control and accepting what *is* can make such a huge difference in a person's life.

I am really pulling for Datura here. I am praying that the decision she makes has the best possible outcome for her. I am praying that her parents do not force her hand into making a decision based on FEAR of the loss of their love and approval. I personally feel her parents are being very self centered unde the guise of concern for Datura's future. They *say* that they are only doing this for her own good, however, if they were truly interested in her "own good", they would offer her the UNCONDITIONAL love of a parent - not a judgmental, conditional love based on whether she adheres to their rules.

And it's not that her parents are "evil" or "bad". It's just that they were obviously raised in an era where denying your child love and contact could be used as leverage. I mean, I could see them saying "Datura, we love you and we are here for you when this relationship eventually crashes, but we do not agree with what you are doing." That might be o.k. and would certainly be understandable. But to completely cut her off from what is in her best interest - to cut her off from love and support and denying her to tools to help make her way in this world is just wrong (to me anyway.)

And despite so much ridiculous shit going on in the world today, the world, as a whole, has grown spiritually in leaps and bounds over the past decade and the extraction of the security of the LOVE of a parent to a child is no longer an acceptable form of punishment. You do not encourage someone's growth by taking the security of unconditional acceptance away. You help the light of love grow by letting your loved ones know you are there when they need to lean on you.

Anyway, I'll quit rambling and just hope all of this works out for the best. It is silly and ridiculous that someone would have to choose between their parents and a man.

All my love,
Happy