confused

hi, i'm new here and joined to get some advice. i am dating (if u want to call it that) a man who is 12 years my senior. i'm 38. i have mixed feelings about the situation and was hoping to get an outside opinion.

i've never dated a man who was older than me. all my past relationships have been with men slightly younger than me or my age. i had two back-to-back long term relationships and in no way looking to get into a "routine".

i met my friend when he came to my house to install some floor tile. when i first met him i thought he good looking FOR HIS AGE, but it wasn't something where i was panting after him.

well as the job progressed we talked and got to know each other some. after about 4 weeks he said that he was interested in me. now i had been in a really bad and LONG relationship and was not in the "dating" frame of mind. he knew this but kept on pursing. we talked a lot on the phone and some times he even came over to visit. during the course of the conversations he mentioned that he was divorced and lived with his children. later on he mentioned that he was paying $1,000 in child support (which i thought was a little strange since he claimed to live with his kids), so i naturally thought his kids were under the age of 18. after more conversations i learn that his kids are 18 and 21 (roughly)but not fully emancipated, they both go to college. then i learn that he STILL lives with their mother. (he is divorced, i've seen the papers). he claims he lives there out of conveniece. which i don't understand since he has a pension from the army, has a regular job, and does tile installation on the side. i've asked and have gotten two different versions. Me? like i said i'm 38 and i'm a single mom with a 3 year old boy. i just recently moved down south and am trying to make a career change.

ok, lets move on. now please don't judge me for what i'm about to say, i'm really a nice person, but these are my thoughts and i have to be brutally honest, if i want to get good advice. i've always liked nice looking men with nice bodies. not big muscle guys just guys who look like they take care of themselves somewhat. now my friend is not fat or anything like that, he's thin and with clothes on looks good. but when the clothes come off, his skin is not taunt and firm and he has wrinkles. the sex is good, but not GREAT and any satisfaction i get is by my own manipulation if you get what i mean. but to his credit i was actually very surprised as to how long he could go on for.

then the other part is that we never leave my house. the only time i see him is when he comes over here and yes there is usually sex involved. we have yet to even be on a stroll in the park. in the beggining i cooked for him a few times, but i quickly stopped that. like i said i'm not looking to get into a "routine". now i've said to him SEVERAL times that i am not looking for someone to screw me and then leave. that is not what i want for myself. he listens but things haven't changed. ok, not to mention that he's yet to take a dollar out of his pocket for anything.

don't get me wrong he is a nice guy and is always telling me that he loves me (which i quickly tell him not to say, because we've only known each other a couple of months, and i don't think its possible to REALLY love some one in a couple of months). he tells me that he is serious and wants to be in this for the long run, but i think talk is cheap and not feeling totally appreciated for the person i am. am i being selfish? i must admit that i'm lonely. i don't have any friends here and then entertainment i get is when i take my son out. please don't think i'm pathetic, i'm just totally confused and a bit lonely..........

thanks for listening............

First of all, nobody here thinks you're pathetic. We've all needed relationship guidance at one point or another, or else we wouldn't be here in the first place.

I hate to be the one to say this, because I wish everybody could have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship, but it sounds to me like this guy is just out for thrills and willing to tell you whatever it takes to get them.

Paying for his kids to go to college is noble, but the fact that he still lives with his "ex" is very suspicious. If there was enough trouble in the relationship to warrant a divorce, why is he still living with her? At this point, I'd even question his "divorce papers". Such things can be faked.

The fact that you never leave your house only adds to the suspicion. If he really wants to be with you, if you're really the one, then he shouldn't have any problem going out in public with you. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to get caught.

I think you're right about love, too. I think it takes more than a few months to develop.

Obviously, I'm not there to make a good, objective judgment of the overall situation. This is the best I can do based on what you've written. I wish I could tell you something more to your liking, but I have to call it like I see it. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide to stay with this relationship or break it off and seek something better. Whichever way you choose, I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

At this point, it seems to me best not to "give your heart away." Since he is 50, divorced, and quite obviously dependent on his former wife; emotionally, if not physically or legally. It seems both of you are looking to start over, and are still carrying some baggage from previous relationships- who doesn't? Just have fun, don't lose control, see where things go. But keep in mind that he still lives with his family- just like he was married. He may be riding high on attracting a younger woman. Don't let him use you, expect from him what you would expect from any boyfriend (if that's where you want to go) and tell him so. Don't let his age either intimidate you or impress you. Good luck!!

Hello nisuenes - I can hear the doubt ringing loud and clear in your words. Don't let your loneliness sell yourself short. My hunch is this is not the guy for you. However, you sound like a warm, caring person with a lot going for you.

If you want to continue seeing him now and then for sex, companionship, whatever, that is your choice, but I sense that you are ready to move on. There are many ways to meet men these days and you can tell friends you are interested in being set up on dates. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and luck.

~M

Hi nisuenes --

I don't mean to sound cruel, but in a few words, based on what you've described, it doesn't sound to me like you have a relationship at all here. If you did, for starters you wouldn't now be feeling so terribly lonely.

Usually, it's at the start of a relationship when your mind and body tingle with excitement about your new found partner. Only over time and after the novelty of it all begins to wear off, do folks (male or female) begin to look at one another a bit more objectively. Early on, you're already seeing things, feeling things, and thinking things which don't sound very positive about your gentleman.

What it sounds to me like, despite your protests to the contrary about not wanting to get into a "routine" (which I interpret as meaning another log term relationship at this time), is that's exactly what you're probably seeking and deep down you sense that this particular guy is not going make the cut. That's okay. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your or with him. Nor does it necessarily mean that the age gap between you has anything to do with it either. All it really means is that more than likely you're not meant for one another.

You say that you're confused. I sense that maybe what you really are is a bit troubled and a bit stuck. Here's your apparently one and only current contact, in a new location without a lot of new contact opportunites yet, for an adult social and/or sexual outlet. In your heart you sense it's not working, but your head isn't letting it go.

I can only offer you this "head" reason as justification for letting your heart ease out of this now. Being involved with someone, you're really not that much into, will in all likelihood jeopardize or destroy your opportunities when the "right one" crosses your path. People are funny that way. Most tend to back off from someone who might interest them if they believe that he/she is already involved. Sometimes being without is better than trying to force making something right which was never meant to be.

Troy

I agree with all the above posters. The problem is not his age or the age gap...nor is it your desire for muscular nice looking men
( nothing wrong with this!)...this man has way to much baggage and issues.

Move on....