Updates by all...tell us how you are.

Hey Everyone!!

I am posting this because I feel like we're missing something here lately. I don't know why I feel this way. Part of it may be because we have a huge influx of new posters. That is terrific, by the way, but all the new names and stories make it hard to keep the other names and stories straight.

I feel like we're missing a personal connection here lately...am I the only one who feels this way?

Well, even if I am the only one who feels it, indulge me!! This is for everyone to add an update. How you are, how your relationship or potential relationships are going, what you have been doing. I especially look forward to hearing from the "happy couples." Your stories give the rest of us hope and courage!

So grab the cocoa, or coffee, or Evian, settle in and have a group armchair chat. Let's play catch up!

Good thread topic, Lara! I think it's a great idea to get an update of where everybody's at.

Today is our one week "anniversary", so obviously things are still beginning for me. We're still taking things very slow, by mutual decision. Neither one of us has a lot of prior relationship experience (even myself as the "old geezer" of the relationship), and we don't want to rush into anything. And on top of that, I'm pretty convinced that this is the one, and she says she feels the same way, so we don't want to rush things too fast and screw everything up.

But if I had to sum it all up in a word, the word would be "good". :)

I hope everybody else is doing as well as we are!

So I'll begin.

I have been busy lately, first with computer problems, then an out of town trip, then working to make up for the time I had off.

The computer melt-down sucked. Its official, I AM a computer junkie!

The out of town trip was wonderful and invigorating. I felt the need to get back to basics, to get back to me, and did this through a visit with old friends. It's wonderful how friends give us a truer reflection of who we are than we do ourselves at times.

As for my love life...well, it moves on.

The older guy and I are not to be. This realization was difficult, but at the same time a relief...I had hoped for so much, and it hurt to realize those hopes would not be realized. However, it was a relief to let go of all the weight of it...I had been dragged down by the emotional storm for so long that I had gotten used to tempetuous times. Once I put up my umbrella, the skies cleared...the wieght is gone, I no longer cry and cry, no longer feel bad because I feel rejected/used/jerked around.

I will always probably yearn for what could have been. Even though the "could have been" was mostly in my head, it is difficult when dreams die. However, even if I do not have him as lover-potential in my life, the older man is my friend. And that's nice too. Honestly, it might even be better than the other way.

In the meantime, I have my interests. I have a few more friends now than I did before. A few are male...no great love interests yet...but I remain hopeful.

What else? Work keeps me busy, I am babysitting my sister's cat...the cat from h-e-double-L!! I plan to go back to the Upper Peninsula for another visit in July, I'm looking for a more fulfilling job.

Life is good. There is room for improvement, but life will be what you will it to be!!

Can't wait to hear from all of you !!

New relationships are so exciting!

The challenge is to keep the flame alive while still growing ever closer and more comfortable with each other.

You seem to have the right idea! I'm rooting for you!

Thanks for posting:)

Thanks, lara!

I'm sorry to hear that your own relationship didn't work out. *hug*. I'm glad to see that you seem to be taking it so well, though, and that so much else is going well in your life. That makes it easier to bear. I hope things work out better for you in the future!

First of all, Lara...nice to have you posting again....Sorry about your relationship with your OM...but those things happen. One of my past 'friends' used to say...that staying with the wrong person prevented you from finding the right person. She was Right!!! Think about that whenever your heart is heavy...

And now I will ask a personal question that you can skip if you like...Do you think your next serious relationship will be with an OM or not??? It is my opinion(and it is still developing) that some YW on this board happen to find themselved falling for an OM...and are surprised...and then there are some that know themselves well...and only an OM will be in their future. Just curious...hope this is not too intrusive...


Now onward and forward.....

As most of you know, the Lucky Lass is the light of my life!!! She has left NYC and arrived safely in OKC where her dad and his wife live. (Step mom doesnt seem right to use at this point in her life).

We plan to spend the summer here in Oregon to really see what life is like when we can be with each other everyday!!! OMG...can't wait. I told her that I would fly to OKC and we would drive back to Oregon...and I could meet her dad. She wasn't sure it would be a good idea...but I insisted. You know..sometimes you just have to do what is right...even if it is not well understood.

Sooooo I fly to OKC tomorrow night and met her DAD. That will be an experience. Imagine...i am 47 and i think he is about 57...Although I am not nervous...I am sure he has all kinds of wild ideas about OM and YW...and they are not good. I have called this a 'defining moment' for her dad. I will really get to see what kind of man he really is.... Stay Tuned...lol

Any of you with connections with the Devine...good thoughts would be appreciated...lolol

We expect that we will start the Drive home on Sunday...and should be here about 30 hours later....

Needless to say...we are hopelessly in love...and can't wait to spend every night together......

I will let you know how things go...next week.

The IrishKid

Originally posted by IrishKid
Any of you with connections with the Devine...good thoughts would be appreciated...lolol

I'll pray to every god I can think of for you! Hope things work out.

Lara, also glad to see you posting again.

And glad to see you having such a positive outlook on your relationship status, even with it being not as you had hoped for it to turn out.

Update on SmilinGal19 & rollsharley....Hmmm Well tomorrow marks our 9th month together. And I'm sitting here thinking that things are just as love filled as that first day together was.

She is still so very much in Love with me as I am her. I truely had to talk with her to think of the 2 small disagreements we've had over this time and we both ended up chuckling about how petty and easily we got over those. So on a scale of 1 to 10 I give our relationship a 25:cool:

About 2 weeks ago, one of the friends that C thought was on the outs with her because of being with an OM saw her and they spent awhile talking and C came out of it knowing she still has that friend. Since then 2 other friends have contacted her as well (both with positive endings) meaning that time has seemed to be on our side.

I would have to say to anyone struggling with the YW/OM fears that it seems to us that 'true friends/relatives' will come around in time to accept the couples true happiness.

Don

Rollsharley, so wonderful!! 9 months, two minor disagreements, 25 on a scale of 1 to 10...you guys must be doing something right!! I'm happy to hear it. What's your secret? Your tips, if you will share, for the rest of us, on making it work, making it last.... Glad to hear the friends have come around too, I also believe that true friends will accept what they see when they see how right it is.

Irish, you and Lucky are so very blessed. As for meeting the father, well, just be your wise and wonderful self. Even if he dislikes you and Lucky's relationship in theory, and is "worried" for her, seeing the reality of you together and meeting you in person may set those fears to rest. How could he not be pleased to meet someone who makes "his little girl" so happy? I'll be sending warm wishes your way, but I don't think you need them. It WILL be just fine!

How exciting to spend the summer together. May you grow closer and happier all summer long!

As for your question to me...regarding will my next relationship be an older guy or not. I think so. It may be the reason that I now have a few more male "friends." Both of the new guys in my life are wonderful, charming, funny, sweet.... But I am not attracted to either of these great guys. They are both the same age as me....

I expressed some surprise over the last older man...but seriously, all my life a mature man has caught my eye. Starting with a crush on my eigth grade english teacher...too funny, right? All through high school I had a LOT of crushes on my teachers. When I went out on my own, there were a few older guys in a row....Then I went to college and dated guys my age almost by default. They were who I saw and who I met regularly...

I do know myself, and I suspect that I will end up with an older man. I read a really funny thing the other day--it was astrology related. It was a personality profile of Capricorn women...It said that we Caps are more likely to marry men older than us. I had to chuckle and agree.

I always have been and will be more attracted to an older man as opposed to a younger one.

Why fight fate, right?:p

Good for you, Don. Although Pixie and I aren't really a couple yet and only the future will tell whether we ever will be more, I think one of us should say something since we did get here pretty much together, and I am here before her today. lol. I think the greatest thing here is that not only do we see couples working things out but also a place of support for when they do not, for example in the case of Larasteel, and to me that is the good news here, that people are finding support, that it isn't all about age but about love regardless of age.

Lara Welcome Back!!!! and GREAT thread!!!1

Well My fiance and I are going on one year and 4 months... we are getting married August 30th, 2003.. my parents are the ones planning it so they love him no matter what his age... as long as this is what I want it's ok and if I'm happy....... This is the first time in my life I have been t his happy since my late boyfriend that died in 1998. we plan to start a family in January .. we hardly ever fight and when we do it's usually about his son.. because in a post I made months ago i explained that situation..... but it seems to be getting worse...... but other than that I am crossing my fingers he grows up soon... anyway... I am happier than i've ever been and looking forward to my new life together with hiim.....

For those who aren't as happy keep your chin up... you don't NEED a significant other that is bringing you down... If it is love it will make you happy not sad.......

good luck to everyone with there relationships and there lives!!!!

Sheesh, I haven't been here that long so I had to go back and search what you were talking about, meralove23. lol. One thing I suspect is that the son is remembering the good times the family had when his natural father and mother were together and not the things which caused the divorce and so you are taking his mothers place, in his mind, One thing you can try is to check out landmarkforum.com. My brother went through that with great success and, as he put it, when you come out of there it is like starting your life over again, like being reborn. The son has to learn to leave what is in the past, there in the past, and work toward what is going to happen in the future. I can identify with your lose of a boyfriend years ago since I lost someone very important to me long ago as well, ironically from overdosing on ant-acids, which made it worse because of such a rediculous reason to die. It is the future happiness that we have to look for though and so I wish you all the best in the marriage and the future after that. Live long and Prosper! (I have wanted to say that since the first time Mr. Spock said it. lol)

T and I are still only growing closer after fourteen months together. I went up and visited him a few weeks ago, which gave me a chance to meet with his family and friends (probably close to two dozen people in all -- it was a busy trip!). Most of them seem much more accepting than my parents (who are coping, but not happy), and they were all welcoming and friendly.

I've decided one advantage of dating an older man is that the family is so happy to see him finally ready to settle down with -someone- that they don't care how weird that someone is. Another advantage is an extra decades of embarrasing stories, which his family made sure I heard every last detail of and which was a great deal of fun. (We also flipped through a lot of family photo albums. I think he was an adorable child, although he continues to mutter darkly about his mother's abominable taste in clothing and haircuts for him.)

We're a long distance relationship, so the trip gave us some much-needed time to see how compatible we were actually living together. He's made a couple of trips down here to visit me in the past, but neither lasted more than two days. Spending close to a week with him made it easier to picture sharing a life, even if, in the long run, it was only a tiny length of time. Every time we visit, I learn new things, both good (the way his eyes turn golden when the sun hits them just right, how he loves spending time with young children and visa versa) and bad (the way he drives with his knees while gesticulating with both hands. eeek).

I'm hoping he'll get a chance to come to my family gathering this summer so we can continue the process of bringing our lives closer together.

abaconw Thank YOU so much for your input....... You really made me think and I am definatly going to check out that site.......


thanks!!!!!!!!

I have never gone there myself, the sessions themselves that is, but my brother did go through the program and is now and has been involved in the sessions now as a volunteer counselor for several years since he believes in it because of the benefit he received there. the web page will give you informations as to where the closest seminar would be, when, and things such as that. Hope that it helps you. Us OM/YW have enough problems at times of our own without others making it even harder. lol. Keep us posted as to how it helps.

Hint, hint, EMCAD80 and Happy4Me...I know you are out there, tell us what's been happening in your lives, gals!

As for me...not much further in the way of updates. The older guy I had previously posted about...well, he no longer works with me. And, ironically enough, I've seen him more since he left the company...as a friend. Kinda doing my supportive compassionate nurturing friend bit...and extra "Rays of Sunshine and Love and Happiness" sent my way would be appreciated, so I can send them on....

all in due time my sweet!
i really really wanna tell everyone what's goin' on, but must work. the boss just cracked the whip and said ROW HARDER!
LOL

no fair!!!!!

~cracks whip, commanding "Type faster!! Tell ageless friends and fans what's new!!"
:p

i have no real news on the relationship front, my OM and i broke up a couple of months ago. since then i have been on-and-off-seeing my exboyfriend who i broke up with last fall. we've known each other for about 4 years total. we're closer in age (hes 8 years older than me.) its going *okay,* unfortunatly i think he is more into it than i am. i am full of all the same doubts i always had with him, which doesnt feel like a good sign.

my bigger news is that im finally moving out of my moms house in august, and transferring to the college my younger brother goes to. we will both be juniors and are planning to live together. its only an hour and a half away from here, which feels like far enough away to distance myself but close enough to home to still stay in contact with people if i need to.

great thread idea, lara, and i hope that everyone will share their details.

I'm extremely envious (envious maximus) of those whose friends and family are accepting, loving and supportive of their relationships......because MY people continue to TOTALLY let me down. By "my people", I mean my family. I'm sick of the random phone calls from my mother, asking what is wrong with me, why can't I see the 'truth' and end it already? @$#(*^$#@$!!!!! Why do they not GET IT? The "truth" is, I love this man, to the point where if I had to choose, he would NOT be the one getting the boot. There is nothing wrong with either of us, and come hell or high water, I will not end it....because I love him. If I could see anyone on earth, it would be him. If I could talk to anyone, it would be him. If I had to be locked in a cold, grimy dungeon with someone for the rest of my life, it would be him. If I won the lottery, I'd give him the ticket. How do I impress that upon these boneheads I call a family? The way I see it, one of two (2) things will happen: we someday break up, or we someday marry. In either event, wouldn't it be in their best interest to keep their MOUTHS SHUT? This is hardly Montague/Capulet material here, he's just older than what they expected. I don't see how this makes me (or him) mentally ill. I guess this isn't much of an update, nothing's changed. Except that I love him more, and the family's opposition hurts me more as time goes on. Sorry for that boring "update". :(

I really do sympathize with you Datura, and urge you not to be guided by what others think, but I do have to inject a little humor here I suppose and suggest perhaps take a black lesbian on a Harley home to meet mother one day and perhaps your OM will look very much more appealing to the family. lol. The fact tht they continue to object show me at least that they do not understand the dynamics of how to disaprove of anothers actions, by showing them gently an alternative but then standing behind whatever decision they make. Perhaps depending upon their happiness in their own relationships, they may be even envious that you have a happiness in your relationship rather than enduring the documented tedium of the relationships they find themselves in. There are many who are drowning in misery who would rather pull you in to have something to talk about rather then releasing you to escape the same fate.

Datura

*hugs you*

Awww - thats so bad. Im so sorry about the way your mum is reacting. Sigh.
Ill have the same thing facing me when the time comes to tell my family, im really scared.
Your mum loves you, fine. She thinks she is looking out for you and your best interest. But you are your OWN person. Look at it this way - were it not for the age difference, would she be loving and accepting of this man for the way that he loves and cares about you? Ill bet the answer is yes. Im sure your mother has raised you to be a very good judge of character, and Im sure you employed that judgement when you fell in love with this man. Remind her of that.
In the meantime, hang in there. Sooner or later, she'll come around. I only wish that you didnt have to endure it for now.
My *sister* goes nuts at me. She's 4 years younger than I am, and happy in a marriage with a baby boy - and Im happy she has what she wants. But I hate the fact that she cant stand the idea of me being with my OM...sigh. How can you make people understand that what exists between two people cannot be tantamount to a perfect circumstance in their opinion?? The fact is Im HAPPY. Why cant people be happy for the fact that im happy, and so is he?
Sigh
They'll get over it me thinks!

- Munchi

on your end. Unfortunately, I'm not doing so hot either.

I mean, B and I are getting along fine. Everything is wonderful between us, as usual. Work has me exhausted, though and I had some minor neck/head trauma and straing due to some overzealous surfing.

Starting to have the non-age related issues that couples seem to have. And alot of these problems have to do with life in general. Decorating the house - his (man) tastes vs. my (excellent) taste; me feeling like the house is "his" alone and not mine; me feeling rather isolated and alone right now. Nothing in that house is "of" me. Not the dog, not the cat, not the paint in the den, not the furniture, not the art work. All of my things were pretty much left in their boxes and tossed in the attic. We tried to discuss it. It did not go well. And his children are starting to become a problem for me. His ex is remarrying and they are involving the kids in the ceremony. The kids are declaring the fella as their "step-dad" and while I think that is admirable and sweet, they are now looking to me to behave the way their mother's fiance behave's towards them. That is to say a "replacement" parent where the other "real" parent is absent. I have made it clear from the beginning that while I love and adore his children, I do not have children of my own for MANY reasons and I do not wish to be a "parent" in any way, shape or form. The kids now think I "hate" them because I don't treat them like their soon-to-be stepfather treats them. I have no intention of jumping through hoops and doing dog tricks to make his kids happy. I am not into "competing" with the mother's fiancee for their affection. While it's true that I am fun, friendly and fair to these kids, I do NOT take on the "mommy" role -- and I never will. I have choosen to remain childless and will not have motherhood pushed upon me.

Also having a few actual age related issues. :eek: Believe it or not! I am missing a concert I wanted to go to this weekend because he does not like the musicians playing; he is missing a concert this Friday because *I* don't like the guy that's singning (AND his children will be with us this weekend.) I am feeling very alone and isolated because what friends I DID get to keep after the divorce are so "weirded out" by my relationship with B that no one wants me to go out with them anymore. (That and the fact that I'm not looking for a one night stand and they ARE...so new friends were in order anyway.) I have found a few out in the water, surfing, and they are cool. But I don't know them very well yet. B also is getting into the habit of trying to tell me what to do because "he knows..." which smacks of him taking a "parental" role rather than that of my equal. He's getting a little bossy and my personality doesn't lend well to bossy.

Things could be worse, I know. It's just that I thought it was time to recognize that the "honeymoon" stage is over and I will have to address issues, head-on, that I have avoided in my past realtionships or else I'm doomed to repeat them over and over and over no matter WHO I am with. I need to STOP being a people pleaser and regain control of my life without losing someone I love dearly rather than sit here submissively until I can't take it anymore and then shock the poor man with my reservoir of anger. (Happened to the last husband...lol)

In addition to all of this, found out the ex is marrying his sweetheart. LOL. Why should that bother me? Hmmmm. I don't know. Nature, I guess. Possibly because since I thought HE was the s-h-i-t head all along. Now he's all of a sudden prince charming and sweet and will be a good husband to this girl? It makes me wonder if it WAS me. What does she do for him that I didn't??? I mean, it's obvious to everyone that B has TONS of things that the ex didn't - lol, but I'm serious.

It's just been a rough time for me lately, guys. Sorry to dump all of this on ya. But it's *part* of the reason I haven't been around.

Love
Happy

Several thoughts came to mind, Happy, as I read your post. First, perhaps you are trying too hard, both of you, to fit into a "relationship" rather than being who you are. In many relationships there will be things which a couple do independant of each other, for example a man's night out bowling with the guys or a woman's tupperware party for example. The fact that you each have a concert that you want to attend and are giving that up is a shame because you each are giving up something of value when I think it is possible for you each to enjoy that moment alone and still be together and even then there may be areas to discuss together about that event, perhaps you telling him about the guy who was thrown out for trying to climb on stage or him telling you about the guy who kept talking during the best moments of the songs being sung.
As far as being a substitute parent, I think you will become that in the kid's eyes by virtue of being with their father but you have to find that balance between being the new mommy and being just who you are, not jumping through hoops but not setting up barriers to them thinking of you as a mother substitute either. Never try to compete with someone else, the new step-father but become the step-mother within limits which you can live with. Wouldn't it be easier if life didn't come with all these problems but overcoming them makes the happiness on the other side all the sweeter and I hope you find that point soon.

Happy, just because X is remarrying doesn't necessarily mean a damn thing's changed- either she just hasn't seen it yet, or perhaps he's grown an inch or two after things didn't work out with you. People do change, but only when they want to. I agree, it is annoying to see someone new cooing and drooling over an ex, you want to box their ears and say "what the HEYELLL is wrong with you?" Just roll your eyes as high as you can when no one's looking, it always makes ME feel better. :D
As for the curtain-climbers, the ankle-biters, the demanding little egoists (aka children)...... What do they want you to do, exactly? Bake cookies and read bed-time stories? Attend PTA meetings, help them with homework? I don't remember how old they are, I know B has older sons, doesn't he, but I'm assuming there are some under beach-and-surfing age? Don't buy into their ploy of "she HATES me, Daddy!" because they're just crying for attention. They know you don't hate them, but they're having a hard time with the fact that step-parents aren't one-size-fits-all. I've known people who loved their stepmoms more than their dads, and others who still treated them like "that woman dad lives with" after a lot of years. A step-parent can be anything from unwanted enemy distraction to a real parent, but if you have one who's like another dad and one who, well, just isn't, they're going to be understandably confused. I'm no mommy figure either, and I know that's the last thing my OM's son wants. I just don't know how good a thing that is, because there's only so much you can do or say with a kid who knows you have no authority. One time he was goofing off, annoying his dad, and I was laughing like the dickens....Dad says something like, "Real good parent YOU'LL make...." (he was pissed) and I said, "Well I'm NOT a parent, so I don't know how to act like one." The kid stops, looks at me with eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning.....right then I started to think.....UH-OHHHHH. Oops. He's a good kid though, so I don't worry....just wonder. I think because he's had some "tension" with his step-dad that he doesn't want another disciplinarian. WELL that's my 92 cents, as usual I ramble on like a dumb-*** while everyone else is snickering, thinking "ummm......so?"

Throw out his nasty MAN stuff pronto, start with a princess phone in the bathroom, pink feather picture frames, and a nice mauve carpet. Then some 80's-looking dopey watercolors with a lot of pink and teal, and a claw-footed bathtub. Schmancy!

Updates….boy is life fun, ;-)

Datura….

I just read your update and feel that you are the fly on the wall in my relationship with the Lass. The similarities are astounding! I know what you mean when your parents are always on you about what a dumb decision you have made. I am sure Lucky would say the same thing about who she would choose if forced to choose. (And yes, I would never force her to choose.)

And Happy….

I certainly can identify with some of the struggles that you are willing to share, too. (thanks for being soo open). I think that most of the issues in our relationships are NOT age gap related. Differing tastes in music occur even with those of the same age. My daughter loves oldies, I don’t. (hey, maybe that IS an age gap thing, lol). It just seems like relationships take work whether age-gapped or not (sly smile).

On the children front, I agree with you Happy. Fortunately, Lucky and I see it your way…and my kids are not looking for a step-mother at all. It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight, so stick to your guns!!!!

I would encourage you to put your ‘mark’ on ANY place that you live in. I love to see a woman’s touch where I am. You HAVE to assert yourself and have your things everywhere. Don’t hesitate…make it a natural course of living…just like breathing. Get those boxes empty, girl!!!!! (smile) (I sure can be bossy, lol)

Now for my update.

I flew to OKC on Saturday late at night and met Lucky’s Dad and his wife. It was cordial…which is far warmer than I expected. A little chit-chat…and Lucky and I left. Before we left, his wife, handed each of us a one page letter from her expressing some of her concerns. If I asked everyone to list the top issue, you would all be wrong. It is amazing how people talk about secondary issues instead of the one that is most pressing to them. She talked about how my daughter,15, would take having Lucky there. How Lucky was reticent to tell my age to them until late in the game. yadda, yadda, yaddah.

I agree, items of interest that are good to talk about and know what you are going to do. Not one comment about age-gap issues except the veiled one about lucky being a step-mom to my daughter (remember I have three sons in college).

Lucky’s letter followed the same kind of line. what are you doing. If you had to hide things from us, you must KNOW that this is wrong. I am sure you have all heard the lines before. Her dad (I think) feels she is beguiled, and that all I want is great sex with a young woman. That really makes me smile….. It does not even occur to him that we could actually love each other. It really doesn’t compute! She called him at least twice a day on our 32 hour drive to Oregon. He was sooo funny. “can you talk now??”, “are you ok?”, “do you want to turn around and come home?”. She had everything to do to NOT laugh at his serious questions.

We have decided to have my youngest son develop a web page for us and we will use my digital camera to keep a journal of sorts of what is happening to us. We feel that if we continue to be open and honest with them, then, they have a chance to change how they feel. One can only hope.

Whew…now this is long enough. Thanks for the listening ear(s).

The IrishKid

Irish! A web-page would be too cool! lol

Happy

hi everyone,
it's been awhile since i posted, so i figured this update section was a good way to get back on the horse...

my OM and i are at the 3 year mark this coming tuesday. agh!! it's been a big year of sorts, although i didn't really realize it as we were going thru it...

the first thing that happened was that we both got new jobs -- that is, we are no longer working for the same company, 3 offices apart. although that is how we met in the first place, this has been nothing but healthy for us and our relationship to have some definition between work and play!! that said, one of the consequences (and this is the part that i related to in your post, happy) of our new jobs is that we have ***extremely*** limited time together. his new job requires 9-6 hours during the week, plus friday nights and sunday afternoons. my job requires 8-8 during the week and many saturday nights. we managed to work ourselves into this wretched pattern of him standing up for his "other" needs when he had time off (ie laundry, groceries, watching baseball, etc.) and me ignoring all of my similar needs -due to some overly-nuturing sense of responsibilty for all quality time between us. but of course you can't have quality time when one person is silently resenting the other for getting to do the things that they feel they can't... don't know if that explanation makes sense, but basically i had to tell him that i needed more time for my "other needs" as well, and if it meant we spent a little less time together, i needed to absolved of any guilt for that. so he said of course, and we're both trying to be a little more concious of each other's needs. i'm not sure if that's an age issue, or a woman-man issue: i think it could be age related, as he is certainly old enough to know what he has to do to remain a balanced person, whereas i am more likely to put things off until i realize that i have a looming pile of 'what about my needs'. a man-woman thing, as i think that most woman are innately the planners and worriers of quality aspects of relationships... point of all that is, happy, be true to you -- go to your concert with some other friends if it will make you happy and encourage him to do the same!!! i think that if a relationship is going to last a long time, both people need outside interests to keep them happy and fresh. (i'm going to try to practice what i preach now...)

the other thing that happened this year was that i had a major breakthru with my mother, whom i had almost all but given up on -- datura, this is for you. i'm not sure how long you've been battling with your fam, but my mom and i went 2 1/2 solid years before she started to come around, so maybe if it hasn't been that long, a mend is on the horizon for you... she came to visit me in san fran and made a couple of sh*tty remarks right off the bat, like since my OM and i weren't engaged yet, it was obviously because i hadn't found the right person and needed to move on, etc. i finally blew up at her one night and told her that i was living the most honestly that i knew how, and that i was in a caring, supportive, loving, communicative relationship and what more could she possibly ask for her daughter? i also asked her to step back to being 27 for just a moment and remember just how damned much there seems to be to figure out at this point (you'll note that she was already married for 5 years then, of course!). anyway, i went to bed pissed, and she shocked me the next morning with this story of how her mother once let her down in a similar situation when she was younger and how she never forgot it, and never wanted to let her daughter down later in life. it was one of the most touching moments i've had with my mother, as i normally never hear anything but words of glory about my late grandmother. that was in march, and since then i've opened up a bit more about my OM and she's been supportive and entirely non-sarcastic. my father continues to be a mute on the subject, but that's better than ignorant digs (like asking my OM if he remembered the beatles first single -- an event that he missed by a solid 15 years). ha ha, that's so funny now...

well, who knew i had a book to write. thanks, if you're still reading at this point. it's great to know that so many people are still on here and working thru it all to keep thier relationships healthy.

have a nice weekend,
sam

samantha, I understand completely that your other needs, and his, are extremely important and need to be dealt with. Just to throw out an idea, have you considered ideas like doing some of those things together? Laundry, for instance, takes a lot of time to do, but doesn't really require a lot of focus, so you could spend the time together and still get it done. Like I said, just a suggestion, and you may find other ideas that work better.

Glad to hear about your breakthrough with your mother. That's a big positive step. Hope things keep getting better for you, and everybody else here, on that and every other front.