unsure 07-08-2003, 02:52 PM Hi people, I went searching for info on this topic and found your board. Here's my scoop, hope you can give me some insight....
I'm 38, and the *interest* is a guy 28.... he has been trying for a month to get me to consider dating him. (He is very convincing by the way). He seems more mature than some or most of the 30 somethings I know, so I don't know what my problem is. I'm afraid of where he is in his life, and I'm VERY ready to get married and find *the one*. He says he is too.
First prob is that he has a baby face, I mean BABY face. I also don't look my age, but he looks like my 21 yr old nephew. I guess I'm afraid of what my friends, family etc will say/do. I have had the WORST and I mean WORST luck with men my whole life, and am so damn gunshy - I would hate to fall for someone again that is a mistake.
I know it is only 10 years.... why is this bothering me? Why can't I stop thinking that in 10 yrs he'll be seeing me getting old and he'll still be a young vital guy? I certainly don't feel my age, look it, or relate to it. Guys my age seem old and tired. Really... so do I just jump, make the plunge and ignore all the stupid stuff my head is trying to tell me? We have a lot in common and he's absolutely adorable. What's my prob!! I'm so afraid of being hurt again, and I guess that is fueling a lot of the insecurity.
PinkCat 07-08-2003, 03:14 PM Hi! What are you waiting for?? Heehee, my boyfriend is 10 years younger than I am... but he's only 20 and I'm 30. Sure, there are risks there, but there are risks in ANY relationship!
Go for it. You will be kicking yourself later if you don't. Your age difference is small and he's old enough to know what he wants.
newday 07-08-2003, 07:12 PM Hi Unsure!
I was exactly were you are. The moments of feeling unsure are getting fewer and farther between. I met my guy for the first time when he was 28 and I was 38. We became friends for a while and then we could no longer deny the attraction. But, I like you didn't want just a "fling". I was at a point in my life where I wanted to find a real partner. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized that he wanted a serious relationship and wasn't as phased by the age difference. (the issue comes up for him once and a while, but not like it did for me). We have been together for 9 months now and it keeps getting better. We have talked about marriage and the future. The one issue for us is him not being ready financially for those things, but this is something we most certainly can work out.
Could seeing all the good possibilities and let go of the negative "programming" that you (we all have) received regarding being the older woman. I truly don't notice our difference until someone asks how old we are. I used to try to hide it now I openly share it and am not ashamed. I am proud of our love and connection. I believe God knows what he's doing...who am I to question love?
Just move forward past any fears, they will go away the more you ignore them!!
Good luck.
unsure 07-09-2003, 01:37 AM Ok. I took the advice and we have a date Friday night. You can still call me "unsure" but now I'm "unsure but very curious"... ;)
I am kind of scared and kind of excited - we're going to a place that is dark and swanky and quiet so we can talk and stuff.... thanks for the little push I needed.
btw, I also called a friend of mine, who I really trust and was expecting her to say "what are you doing" because she's had to be the one to pick up the heartbreak pieces for the last year or so - and know what? she said "my brother's wife is 12 years older than he is, they met when he was in his 20's - GO FOR IT"
:D
Desert Spring 07-09-2003, 11:13 PM Yep. Go for it.
But ... take your time. Really. There's no rush. If you're gunshy, then you're gunshy.
Date, enjoy each other's company, and let him prove (or disprove) what kind of a person he is - over time.
You don't have to set a speed record for falling in love or getting married.
Just enjoy.
Jo-Admin 07-10-2003, 01:48 AM I'm so glad you are going on the date! *smiles* I hope you have a great time!!! Please let us know how it goes.
Oh! And btw, everything you are feeling is normal. I think most, if not all, of us have been there! My b/f is 14 years younger than I am, and I was definitely unsure! The first few months we were together, I would actually cry here and there because I was having such a great time, and I just knew it had to end because nothing with that big of a gap could work out. Sometimes now I laugh about it, but at the time it really was a serious issue for me.
If I had it to do over, I certainly would not have wasted those first few months trying to debate with myself and worry over what others thought....and I definitely would not have wasted tears crying over the eventual breakup of a relationship that has not even happened YET...almost three years later!!!
*hugs* to you...I hope you have the BEST time!
yellowrose 07-10-2003, 10:35 AM I'm afraid of what my friends, family etc will say/do I understand but think about this: would you rather please them and be alone or make your own choices and be happy?
About getting older looking in 10 years, in this day and age women are looking 10 to 15 years younger than women did in previous generations.
Last suggestion, any time you feel insecure about yourself, feel free to obsess and get support here. It sure helped me when I had problems 6 months ago.
Have a great time on your date.
unsure 07-15-2003, 12:34 PM well, I thought I'd write back and report what happened on my date that "didn't happen"...
We were supposed to go for ****tails last friday, remember? He left me a message that he got a last minute opportunity to go river rafting. Ok, so we'll do it on Sunday.
Sunday rolls around and I went online to check my emails. I could see he was online (yahoo IM) and he obviously could see that I was too. He didn't write.
I cut him an email on monday and said that, although our date was tentative (based on whether rafting would wipe him out or not) that I would have thought he would at least have popped me an email or phone message to tell me it wasn't going to happen.
He wrote me a reply: "I was really wiped out.... but unfortunately for both of us, a friend brought someone on the rafting trip, and we hit it off... I don't think pursueing anything further would be wise as I plan on dating her"
HA! He pursued me for over a month, and when I finally came around, he met someone in two days that changed the way he felt about me (I don't really believe that, but I guess it could happen).
So, thanks for the advice, but I guess it wasn't even needed afterall. I wrote back and said I was hurt, prolly shouldn't have, because the reply he sent was mean and hurt even more. I don't want to go into what he wrote, but he definitely showed his lack of maturity in his response to me....
:(
PinkCat 07-15-2003, 12:58 PM OUCH.
Wow. That is TERRIBLE. Well, you definitely found out his true colours early on, and that's very good. Why would he send the second mean e-mail? That's just cruel. That's not his age, that is a personality trait that he will have for his entire life... not a good one.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. :(
unsure 07-15-2003, 01:25 PM thanks pinkcat - I agree.
I am glad I didn't invest any time to find out he was like this... and I won't let it stop me from considering dating a younger person - as I have one of those baby faces, and am very young at heart - I just seem to *mesh* better with younger guys - I don't really relate to my age and up. I don't want this to sway me to think that all younger guys would be such jerks.
The reason I doubt that he met someone in two days that changed the way he felt, I don't know - call it intuition... I honestly felt that he had someone else cooking on the back burner... Maybe it was fun for him to chase me, because I said "No" and when I did say "yes" he didn't know what to do but to make up a reason he couldn't pursue. That's my guess...
PinkCat 07-15-2003, 02:10 PM That is very strange of him, definitely. I'm glad this hasn't put you off dating younger guys as they sure don't all act that way!
His behaviour is very weird. So you say you felt he had someone cooking on the back burner all along? Maybe your initial apprehension was more due to that, than to his age? Just wondering.
Gypsyheart 07-15-2003, 05:06 PM Maybe it was fun for him to chase me, because I said "No" and when I did say "yes" he didn't know what to do but to make up a reason he couldn't pursue. That's my guess...
Well, I call this my "dog chasing the car analogy"...... had it happen a few times ......yeap, they chase and chase......panting and putting so much effort into it. They just HAVE to catch you!
...but then......OMG!.....YOU STOPPED!!..... they panic ...what to do!!..... what to do!!..... <looks around nervously>
*usually it's choice .........a) lift leg and pee on ya, or....b) run off cuz they don't know what to do with ya
Be glad you didn't invest in this mutt!! I'm sorry he hurt you. :-( Take care and try not to let it discourage you in the future. {hugs}
Gypsy~
JH1983 07-15-2003, 06:41 PM Hi Unsure,
I agree that it's definitely the personality and lack of sensitivity/judgment, not the age. I hope that doesn't steer you from younger men. The first email is questionable (should have been done in person, especially after showing lack of respect by not keeping the agreed-upon date) but the second is definitely not classy.
I cringed a bit when I saw that you sent the email to him re. you are hurt. Guys like that don't deserve the satisfaction, whether YM or not. A matter-of-fact "too bad you missed out" type of email (after appropriately putting him in his place for the lack of courtesy) and showing him that you have places to go and people to meet would have thrown him off and allow you to keep your head high. Then you can cry later. Just my perspective as a guy
JH1983
Desert Spring 07-15-2003, 10:49 PM I know it stings, but hey - now you know.
Better early on then after you've invested months or years.
Look at it as information you needed to find out about him - and more time to look for someone much, much better.:)
Polly 07-15-2003, 10:59 PM God, sometimes I just HATE male behavior!!! Just what the Hell is up with that? Gooutwithmegooutwithmegooutwithme...oops! Met someone else! What a retard! I hope "she" turns out to be a total psycho and searches his pants and wallet for other girls' phone numbers, and just when he gets ready to break it off...she GETS PREGNANT and keeps the FIFTY POUNDS she gained during pregnancy looooong after the baby is born....
Oh well, at the very least, you didn't get involved with a fickle loser. That's a definite point for you! :)
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