venting (sorry)/advice on children

I suppose this thread is for any of you who have children from a previous marriage....i'll TRY to condense so as not to sound overly dramatic, but i trust the people here and need some advice. This week my 17 year old daughter was grounded by me and for the first time since my ex-husband and I have been divorced...pulled the OH WELL...ill go live with DAD. The other children have TRIED that approach, but my ex and I have always clung to the premise that minor children in our household do not have the power of deciding LIVING arrangements. That is a parental decision and would be decided by US solely. In doing so we have prevented exactly what has happened this week....kids playing one parent for the other and allowing them to 'escape' discipline and seek the other parent. I believe with all my heart that it has been a large factor in helping our children feel secure and stable and not to be given 'adult' decisions too early in life. BUT....the ex changed the rules this week and embraced her as she fled from the discipline here:( GRRRR....he is angry that our 18 yr old who is going to college rarely comes visit him....and stays here when home....is also angry that i have began a relationship AGAIN when he does not at the present moment have one.....and so....he embraced his daughter's WANT to stay with him and refused to talk to me about. I have appealed to his SANITY and said IF we set a precendence here that our children MAY choose where they live at ANY one moment/feeling we are both left powerless to guide, discipline, help them make good choices....because if they DO NOT AGREE with....they can just leave. Truly, IF my daughter wanted to live with her dad....and my ex and I had discussed and talked about it....we live close enough together that would NOT be a problem for me. Right now...she is choosing only to 'get back at me' and he is facilitating the process...keep in MIND that the guy is a public school administrator and not DUMB by any means....just that rite now...REVENGE and anger have taken hold....again....and i fear my daughter is the one that loses in the end. Im kind of STUCK here between a rock and a hard place....if he continues not to back me (as we have done for each other in the past) i have no control over what it is that she does from here on out as she has been given a key to his home and will simply say...OK...im going to dads.....all of which the 3 younger children are watching play out and garnering IDEAS from...keep in mind they are all teenagers. If i act as tho her leaving is not hurting me...which i believe is her MAIN objective....then she feels unloved, unwanted. I DO NOT want the 'negative attention' ploy on her part to work here....but also dont want to 'cross the line' of making her feel unwanted in her own home. SO...i've called ONCE every day just to say....hey i love you...hope you are doing ok....just want you to know that you are welcome here....and left it at that...crying AFTERWARD in private. ANY takers for advice here? I am custodial parent, but at 17 in IL have no real LEGAL recourse....and legal recourse at this point in her life may do more harm than good....i do think the ex will come around as he THINKS about this decision....but we have gone MONTHS before when he is BETWEEN relationships and angry AGAIN with me....then picked up the pieces of what using our children to GET TO ME...has done.

OK...I CONDENSED AS BEST I COULD:(

I have young children ages 11 and 8 and they are boys. Girls and moms are a different story. Isn't it quite normal for all hell to break out? It's disappointing that your ex goes through this crap of using the kids to hurt you. Lovely for a school administrator.

You might want to write him a letter or email him addressing those very same things you just mentioned. Remind him of all of this.

Other than that; you have done everything that you can do. The younger children are indeed watching how this plays out. And it doesn't sound like you waivered in your strength and commitment. She was grounded for whatever behavior you deem inappropriate and she ran to Dad's. They will watch to see how she does over at Dad's. If she ends up coming home, which she very well may, then they may feel it isn't worth the hell.

My thoughts would be to have a talk with my youngest kids, the three still at home. Tell them how disappointed you are in their sister. Tell them that they are all still children and you regret their 17 yr old sister making this poor choice. Tell them all the reasons why. Stay shy of saying much about Dad, though, as you likely know already. Tell them how much you love each and every one of them including big sister.

I don't know though. I certainly have no experience with this and would defer to the others here. I'm sort of shooting from the hip.

Good luck and by the way it sounds like you have done an awesome job all along. Is it five kids?? Whoa!

Cindy

Cindy...thanks...i just DID email him at school as POLITELY and tactfully as i could asking if we could sit down to resolve the 'living arrangement' at a time convenient for him;) I havent talked to the other kids yet....that, too, is on the agenda for this weekend when HOPEFULLY i can find them all in ONE place at the same time...if not, ill have to go to individually, which might not be a bad idea anyhow....thanks so much for your thoughts....sometimes when im IN these situations i lose what 'rational' sense i have at my disposal....just to hear someone say...u r not insane in your approach here...is sometimes a BLESSING, lol.

Sing, my sons USED to use this on me ALL the time, "I wanna go live with my dad"
I sat them down and said, ok that is fine by me, BUT.................
When you go there to live you must stay for 1 year, weither you like it or not, and I was dead serious....
They have that option open today, none of them have ever chosen too, my sons are 19 ~OMG 20 in 1 month!!!!!!! 14 and 10.
They no longer threaten me with it.
I do like giving the boys the option of living with their fathers if they chose too.
PS the 14 yr old and the 19 yr old have a differant dad from the 10 year old, so I first heard the "I wanna live with dad thing YEARS ago" Its funny thouhg, I gave them an option, after that I guess they figured things weren't that bad at home, PS my almost 20 yr old still lives with us!! YIKES, but he works 10 hours a day and is always gone on wkends, and he pays his share of bills.

My advice Sing, maybe you should let her go for awhile.....
Time for you both to think, teenagers are hard.......

Well, you are quite right that this is a rebellion against the discipline, and although it feels quite personal, she is just testing her boundaries. With your ex being a school administrator, I have to imagine he will have rules and boundaries and discipline of his own in his home, and most likely she would have been grounded in his home would the sitatuation have played out there. Soooooo...as you said, you have no legal recourse. And it does suck that he is trying to change the rules mid-game here...I think that you should just let the situation play itself out.

I know its difficult. I have had the same threat, and have also cried the tears. I would guess that the key is not to give the desired reaction they are going for, whatever you feel that is. I compare this to the temper tantrums of the younger years. I remember the advice my mother gave me of ignoring the tantrum, and when the desired effect was not acheived soon they would figure out since that was not working and they must try another method in getting the desired result. This is just a teenage temper tantrum. I wish you ex could support you in this so it would make things easier.....Hopefully the three of you will be able to sit down and talk things through.

*hugs* to you, sweetie.

Joannalee-i think you have it rite too. Talked with a friend for quite a while yesterday....kind of my 'mentor' in parenting...she raised seven kids and lived to tell about it=). She said the same thing.....as hard as it is...ignore, but ignore lovingly, lol. You know....IF anyone told us in that pregnacy handbook that THIS is the stuff that little, cuddly baby gonna test us wif...NO ONE WOULD CHOOSE TO HAVE KIDS....just kidding, well KINDA.=) My grandmother always said...THIS TOO SHALL PASS....and you know...it ALL DOES....it is just the PASSING part that 'sux' sometimes, hehe. Thanks so much to all for the advice, kind words, support.....we may not have all the answers, but at least we care enough to search our hearts for them when necessary. Love, Darla

Sing, it really sucks. All three of my older kids went to live with their dad the last couple of years of high school, all three had been told, if that's the choice you make, you live with it till graduation, no switching schools everytime you get mad. All three had their bags packed on graduation night and came home with me.
Also, all three live in my area, and see their dad about 3 or 4 times a year is all.
All three have since apologized to me.
Ripped my heart out at the time, he lived 7 hours away from me, but I made football games, school plays, band concerts, and still was the one who went prom dress shopping, etc.
I think if you fight her on it, you risk losing her for a while. If you keep respecting her choice, like you're doing, you'll win out in the long run.
I think you have the right to set limits though. Like Snowie did. If they know its their choice, but they have to totally live with it, and no playing the two of you back and forth, they seem to think harder about it. I agree, no moving back and forth. Unless there would be abuse or something, they need to learn that they make a choice, they live with the consequenses. Its a lesson that lots of people never do learn.
My eight year old was mad at me about something the other day, and I popped out with "don't EVEN threaten to go live with your dad!" She stopped, her mouth dropped open, and her response was "why on earth would I want to do that?"

BELLA-ROFL...kids are so funny sometimes...i love when we 'catch' them beforehand...YOU ARE GOOD:D The problem lies in the fact that we have joint, physical custody of all the children....well as a living arrangement...they split houses mid-week, every week:( The other kids go and come to...so none of the kids are with me ALL WEEK. Im not sure IF the ex is really willingly to take on full-time responsibility or if he even has thought about that in granting her 'permission' to live there now.
My guess is that they both are operating out of the premise that this is some kind of temporary situation for the moment because we are BOTH kind of mad at mom.....Im with you tho....if both of them are going to AGREE to a living arrangement...it has to be ONE WAY OR THE OTHER....either you are THERE or here. We'll see what happens...thanks so much. Darla

Hi Darla,
Oh yes, I've had the same thing pulled on me!! But my ex never ever ever backed me up on discipline even when we were married!! He used to TELL them they didnt have to mind me!! Then when we got divorced and they started the "I wanna live with dad" stuff when they got in trouble, of course he told them they could come live with him!! So I've never had any back up, and its been tough. I feel invisible and that my words dont carry any weight. Yes, it does suck! But the thing is, my ex was in a wreck about a month ago and broke his back, so he has been home for a couple of weeks and cant really get around much - just with a walker and wheelchair and a little walking. And believe me - neither ONE of my kids wanna be around him !!! HA HA - they say all he does is gripe and moan. He is NOT a good patient! I'm not glad he has a broken back, but I'm glad they're getting to see the real side of dad - the one I know too well!! My son even told me "mom, I dont think I could have lived with him for 19 years by choice like YOU did"!!!!! And my daughter BEGS me to come pick her up when she goes over there. I dont have any good advice, cause all we can do is the best we know how and be happy with our decisions. But I thought you might could use a little humorous story!! Hang in there,

Sherry

All three of my older kids went to live with their dad the last couple of years of high school, all three had been told, if that's the choice you make, you live with it till graduation, no switching schools everytime you get mad. My older two did the same thing. Now I can't get them to move out! :)

Actually only my son is living with me right now. But as adults we are more like friendly roommates than parent/son. My oldest daughter would love to live me but I can't handle 6 kids. I have done it before and the stress is too much for me.

But back to your situation... at 17 a girl is a young woman. Two females in the home clash. Don't ask me why, I just know that it seems to be true. Do you mind sharing why she was grounded and for how long? If not... I understand.
Barbara

no, not at all YR....three days without her car/any priviledges for lying to her friends grandma (who her friend lives with) and telling her that the friend was spending the nite with US so that the friend could spend the night with her boyfriend. When the grandmother called to talk to AMBER (friend), I was not aware that she was SUPPOSED to be spending the night here and had to say, "im sorry, i dont know where she is":( My daughter then came to the phone and LIED again saying that she was here...but had left early to go 'work-out'....hmmmm...not UNUSAL for kids to do...but lying doesnt FLY around here...and three days was FAIR (probably TOO lenient of me i think)...my first reaction was MUCH MORE!!=)

ps AND i so agree with you on women together=) i have daughters that are 18, 17, 14, and 12......one son that is 16....Stuck in a household of WOMEN...save his poor soul:D

My 14 year old Derek has decided to leave and live with his father, commencing this Saturday, I don't know weither to cry a river or be releived........

I guess I will cry a river...............

Kids leaving hurt the most.....

I see it this way: Our job as parents is to be guides, counselors, and disciplinarians. Not friends. Our kids aren't always going to like us, but we will always love them. Our job is to see that they are equipped with the tools they will need for life - being responsible for onesself, being respectful of self and others, getting an education, being productive in the workforce, and making choices that will be beneficial in the long run.

Unfortunately, as single mothers, we run into snags with the other parent involved. All we can do is hope that the values and lessons we have instilled in our children will carry them through their experiences with their fathers, especially if the fathers are refusing to cooperate in the raising of the kids, and furthermore use them as a pawn for control over the ex-spouse. They aren't our exes because they were such wonderful men!

We should just remember that kids don't come with a manual, and we have to go by instinct, our hearts, and what seems to make the most sense. Being a parent is the hardest job in the whole world, with no guarantees. We just resign ourselves to do it, and hope what we did was for the best. We can't beat ourselves up over any mistakes we may have made, because as long as there are parents in this world, there will be mistakes, but we have to strive for improvement, and pray for guidance.

Have patience, Sing. Your daughter will come crawling back to you soon. Just don't cave in and be apologetic. You NEED to discipline her. To not do so would be irresponsible. Be firm, but loving. She'll understand and even thank you for it when she becomes a mother.