Jealousy Problem

Hi all,
I have visited your forums a number of times over the past few months, this will be my first time to post. I am happily married to a woman 20 years my senior and I will admit that while I may have always been subconsciously attracted to older women, I don’t think that age makes a difference. Hey as long as you love each other, age means nothing.

We have been married a few years now, however I have a slight jealousy problem, yet not exactly in the traditional sense of the word. I would like to know if anyone has experienced anything similar to this.

Because of the age gap, my wife had already experienced a great part of her life before I was even born. When I met her she was getting divorced and already had children. I find that I sometimes wish I had been born the same year so I could have met her earlier, and gotten to spent that extra 20 years with her.

Now when she talks about things from her past or things she did with her ex-husband (who did not treat her very well), I feel jealous that he got this time with her, he got to have children with her, to know her.

He did not deserve any of this, any of this time, he did not appreciate it, and I feel a great sense of anger towards him and just life in general for causing me to miss out on this time with her. While I know some may say it’s a moot point, as I am with her now and he is not, it’s just how I feel, I can’t really help it. It’s not something I dwell on everyday, but when it comes up every now and then, it just stirs up those feelings.

I am not looking for an answer, I don’t think there is one, you just feel how you feel. I would like to know if anyone else has ever experienced similar, just so I know I am not the only irrational nut job out there.

Hi there Tony!!
All I can say here is that your woman is very lucky to have a man like yours by her side.
I can sense how much you love her and how much you appreciate her. I am very sure that your wife can also sense all this and she may be thanking her own good luck to have found you. doesnt matter when.... she may had to go through some hard times during her life with her ex... to really appreciate you now.
You sound like you are a very good guy.
Keep it up....and enjoy what you have.
those feelings of jealousy are normal sometimes when you love someone so much.
All the best
Adri

But i think it's great you appreciate her so much!

i do feel the same way about age though. Many times i also wish i was 10-15 years older.

Hello Tony,
My wife is 17 years older than me. Yes I have felt the same way you do now. I didnt wish I had been born earlier tho. It is normal to feel jealousy about someone you care about. It gets easier as time goes by, and you foreget that you are not the only one she has spent time with. It takes awhile, but it will pass.
Nothing you can do will change the past. Just dont let jealousy screw up a good thing. It sounds like you have a good thing going.
I never think about the other men anymore(she was married three times before me). It's just her and I. Seems like it always has been.

"It's just her and I. Seems like it always has been."

I just loved that remark, Cowboy. *smiles*

We all feel a sense of jealousy here and there. Sharing your feelings like you are doing here is a great step to relieving that pressure. I would suggest talking to your wife about these feelings. Im sure she can give you the love and reassurance that you might be looking for.

Jealousy is a really nasty, crippling emotion that I try to avoid at all costs.

I am curious as to why someone would be jealous over something that poses no threat whatsoever to them?

My advice to you, is to let the past be . . . it's over and can't be changed . . . and don't dwell too much on the future . . . it may never come to be. You need to concentrate on the present . . . the here and now . . . it's the only thing you have complete control over. Don't waste the precious moments you have with her now dwelling on things that should have no bearing on your relationship. I believe we should all live for today as if it's all there is.

Hi! I think my young man feels the same way from time to time. I can't really talk about my past too much because he gets this hurt look on his face... breaks my heart! I know he hates the idea of the guys in my past having shared time with me, especially since some of them were less than nice at times.

I wish I could somehow convey to him the idea that I am SOOOO over those people, and they just make me appreciate him even more!! I've told him that, but I'm sure there are still some issues.

This seems to be a fairly common issue, actually -- I recall reading several other threads started by YM members with the same feelings. So, if it has any value, at least I can provide reassurance that you're "normal"!

Unfortunately, I don't remember if there were ever any profound solutions posted in reply! (Sorry!) You could try a search.......

From my perspective as an OW, I can say that I have come to terms with the events and inhabitants of my past so that my memories are just that: memories of stuff that happened, without any attached regrets or anxieties.

Your wife's past contributed to the person that she is today, and the woman you fell in love with. Together, as a couple, you are forging tomorrow's memories. Perhaps once some more time has passed, and the two of you have accumulated more of a history as a couple, the old memories will be overwritten (for both of you).

Hi, I really remember something my YM said to me, and I didnt understand it, but it sounds JUST like you are feeling!!!!

We had a minor argument, but we got over it , and my YM and I held eachother afterwards, and made love.

He still was thinking though, and felt insecure, and made expressions that he never wanted us to break up, and that he wanted to make me happy more than anything.

In our relationship, I admit I have been the one to have doubts and feel like "pulliing away." out of fear of loving him.

He holds me and says,,,"you gave your ex husband ten years, but you have only given me one.."

I guess I interpret it as, He considers that I stuck to my husband for ten years no matter how he treated me, and yet my YM felt he had so less time to prove his love for me, according to his thinking.

I must learn from this too of course, and be more enduring and patient of him.

Very interesting, I cant wait to see more expressions from you YM so I can understand my YM more...

Thanks,

Hunny:)

someone whom you are in love with, and with all your heart and your being...you love her so much that at times you feel insecure as you know more about her...but know that this is only because you are young, and the older you get and the more time you spend with her [and after all she has chosen you, you have this moment in time now, which is precious] the less her 'past' will bother you...you could have selected a young virginal creature, but they aren't very interesting...that is why you are here and we are,too. Because this type of jealousy does arise if someone totally is into another, I no longer ask or answer questions regarding past failed relationships. If two people love each other, who cares as long as they are healthy and caring. You have her, she has chosen you. That in itself should make you more than happy. Besides , what redeeming value would it serve for her to go into every detail of her past with you. You weren't there at the time, even though she probably wishes you were. Consider yourself very lucky, and she is lucky. I only wish I could find such luck. Enjoy being alive at the same time.
Hadley

Managed to locate one of the threads:

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4361

You are not alone in your feelings. My husband is much younger than I am, and he is only jealous of one other male - my ex-husband. He is not jealous of any other guy. At first I couldn't understand why he is so jealous of my ex, but he said that same things that others have said here - I gave my ex 17 years, and we had 3 children together. We can't have children, and he is very sad about that, because he loves kids and would love to have one of his own.

I don't feel insecure so much as I just feel saddened that I missed out on this part of my wife’s life.

We have been together for a few years now, I never feel like she compares me to her ex. It's just that when she talks about something from their past, I get a little twinge of sadness that it was not me with her.

The jealousy comes in when she talks about how they used to go to wherever for the weekend before she had the kids. I never knew her then, so will never get that same opportunity to be with her like that. Not that I mind Kids, I actually love them, They feel as much a part of me as she does.

But the fact that he got this time with her and just took it for granted angers me, it's like an art critic watching someone take a beautiful painting and use it as a placemat, just something that angers me.

Hey Tonyrock;

As I said earlier, it will pass in time. Just remember, she had a whole other life before you. She will not want to talk about it if she knows it bothers you. But it is her past. Her memories, good and bad. It is a lot of pressure on her to keep from saaying "yeah me and so-in-so went there, or me and so-in-so did that"
She wants to share her past with others just as you do. I know you are not upset with her. Its her ex. True you cannot go back and share these moments with her. But you can share them now.
There were times I cried thinking about her and her past. How they had hurt and mistreated her. But I cant change that. I can make sure it never happens again. It will get easier. Trust me.

My guy tells me that my ex husbands were just there to keep me warm till he got old enough for me.
Face it, you weren't there. Realistically, you're almost blaming her for living till you got there.
You might be feeling resentful towards him for having had her in the early years, but you're the one who's got her now, and he's missing out. His loss, your gain.
Your opportunity to have her without her kids will come, she won't be raising them forever. Patience.....

Cowboy, this is totally off the subject, but I HAVE to say, that is the cutest avater I've seen so far. It cracks me up every time I look at it, hehe.

Thank you ma am (as I tip my hat).......LOL

I hope you don't mind hearing from a first time "replier" OW, but I I'd like to convey that I personally would melt to hear what you just posted come direct from the mouth of my YM. There is just something very settling and attractive about being honest with your feelings to your mate. who may be experiencing her own insecurities in the relationship. Although my YM has never come outright and spelled out his dilemma as eloquently as you did, I know he has issues with my past life. Although he tells me that he accepts I was previously married and have children, his discomfort is revealed in subtle other ways that perplex and confuse me. What I'm suggesting to you is that you just outright tell your OW how you feel and trust that she will do all she can to assure you that you are the one she loves. You cannot ask for more than this, nor can you expect her to disown her past. Relish in the present that you are the focus of her life now. Special YOU! Someone said in one of their posts about jealousy destroying the very vessel that carries it. This is so true. Examine where the insecurity comes from and together resolve to overcome the shackles that may keep you from experiencing the love that is truly all yours. I again apologize for giving advice at a place where I myself came to get it.

Clarise