Anyone Heard from Munchie?

Just wondering. I've been following her posts and hoping she's okay. Thanks

But from what I've read about her situation, I'm worried. I hope she is okay and her family comes around and B steps up to the plate. I try not to be judgemental and since we don't know what's really going on with B - but this is making me mad...she seems to be such a sweet lady and doesn't deserve this mess.

Munchie!!!!! Oh Munchie!!!!!!! Where are you??????

Hello beautiful people,

Im still alive, barely, but still alive nonetheless.
B's been completely incomunicado since I spoke to him on Wednesday night, but he emailed me yesterday explaining he is having phone problems in Europe and basically Im waiting to hear from him today.

My dad sent me a message to my phone on Friday night, which nearly ripped my heart out: "we all love you"
What kills me, is that (as far as my family is concerned) I have betrayed them, lied to them and been ****ting around with this older man - and yet, my father will still after all I have put him through, come back and reaffirm his love for me. I *know* they will accept, albeit reluctantly but they will - if B was to step up and do this. I need to get this through to him today and hopefully I will come to some sort of agreement that is not grey very soon - YES or NO.

I feel so bad for my mother b/c she is taking it pretty bad. She apparently hasnt eaten in over a week and hasnt slept much either - all she does is smoke and cry. I feel awful. I just want to call her and tell her I love her and that im sorry i lied, but I cant bring myself to because I would be giving her some kind of false hope that Im coming home, forgetting about B and starting over with the intention of never speaking to him again. Thats just not the case, I love my parents, but I love him so much too. I want to give this everything ive got before I let this go. I need time, dammit!

Anyway, my grandmother called me and I have to meet her tonight at my sisters. Im bracing myself, I know ill get tears tonight and the age old question: "how could you do this??? We've brought you up since you were a baby, why did you do this to us? He's as old as your grandfather! Your mother is almost dead, your father is crying his eyes out, how could you do this?"

And how the **** do I answer to that?? I know - Ill stand there and just say, "But gran, I love him". Excellent, yes makes me look far from naiive and stupid and completely blinded by love and makes him look a lot less manipulative than they think he is....sigh.

I just need him here, NOT because im a damsel in distress, NOT because I need "saving" - but because I need him to be my partner in this. I cant just stand there and speak for him and say "yes, he loves me", I have no credability.

I think he will, and he wants to - I just think he's scared. And thats the total honest truth. But, shit and come on - Im scared too, im hanging on to everything with my fingernails, Im sharing a single bed with a girlfriend and im living with the guilt of breaking the hearts of all the people that love and care for me. Something has to give and I have to fix this and soon.

Thanks all for listening and thanks for being so concerned.
You guys are truly the best.

xx
- Your pathetic little Munchkin

Munchkin Sweetie,

You and your family are going through such a hard time!

I want very much for things to work out so that everybody is happy! But I have to tell you that I'm getting a little bit annoyed with your B.

Please tell him from "mama morag" that it's time to put up or shut up... he needs to get off his arse and stand by you or let you know definitively that he will not.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh. It just seems to me that you are hurting, your mom and dad and other family members are hurting... and where is B when you need him? You seem to be the stronger person in your relationship.

I'll stop with that, Munchkin. You are a sweet and bright young woman and I wish you every happiness.

By now, Munchkin, you will have had your meeting with the grandparents you talked about and I hope all went somewhat well. I agree with "mother morag" though that he has to get up there and support you in this. If he is having problems dealing with this, fine, we all go through that but he should be talking to you about them and not leaving you hanging like this. We have come to know you as a special person and one of us, and we will support you all the way whatever happens, but if he doesn't get up there and start helping you in this, the rest of us may well start thinking in terms of tar and feathers. lol. We all love and care for you here, Munchkin, and now he has to show that he does also.

You are such a special person Munchkin. I hope all went well with your meeting with your grandparents. If he would get over there and support you, your family would see how much he cares for you. I wish there was more that could be done on this end, but know that you are in the hearts and prayers of your YW/OM family....

Munchi~


Grr to this whole situation that you have been placed in. It's not fair to you, your family or B. I would really like to know what low life made you this miserable. I will fly out there and kick some booty for making you feel like this :( :mad:

Well as for the current situation...how did your meeting go with the grandparents? Hopefully it wasn't too rough. Keep us posted and updated. We all love you!

~EM

I am so unbeleivably angry :mad:

I knew exactly what I was up for with my grandparents and I got it. And now im fuming at the whole fucking situation. Im TIRED dammit, ive had *enough*. Im sick to death of sugar coating it for everybody.

I was faced with such questions as "How could you do this? Are there any more photos of you? All the marriage proposals you got and you rejected them, all good men and for what? For this? For an infidel who isnt from your race or your religion?"

They wanted me to go home LAST NIGHT to confront my parents, tell them I had made a mistake and forget about B and BEG for their forgivness. "We havent been able to sleep, let alone your parents, theyre going through hell"....well, we can never mistake that side dish of guilt with everything good old ethnic families offer, can we?

They wanted to know where I was staying, and they wanted me to leave and live with my sister. I said I would, but I need time. But they didnt understand what I needed time for. They kept asking me "are you happy now?"...Oh Yes - I AM so FUCKING happy. This is EXACTLY what I wanted. "Your our daughter, we cant leave you to live outside of the house, what were you trying to do? Send your father either to jail or to the grave"

*sob*

I seriously beleive I cannot take anymore. I dont see how this is going to work, and its breaking my heart. Ill have to go home soon. And as much as I feel for my parents and all, NOW my life will be ruined at home. I will have no trust even to go to work - not that they will take me out of work (I dont think) but Ill be closely monitored. I dont want a life like that.

I know alot of you are reading this and thinking "damn girl, just get a place and move out on your own" but its not that easy. This is a temporary thing, they expect me home again - theyre not prepared to just "let me go". Its just not going to happen.

Im far beyond over the 'make myself happy' routine. I tried, it didnt work. Im not going to ever be truly happy, so Ill forfeit mine and make my life a little easier. I feel like just taking the next marriage proposal and marrying for convenience. Ill make sure *they* all like him, approve of him, have checked out his entire background and ticked the little black box and then ill say FINE, where the **** do I sign? All that fucking talk that people lay into you "your young, you have your whole life ahead of you" - WHAT LIFE??? Im not going to sit here and pretend that I have that, that I could thrive in my career, and that one day I can travel to places I want to - unfortunately thats just not the card ive been dealt. So ill just take the one that I have been and deal with that.

I tried squeaking in a tiny voice that he is a good man, that my judgement isnt tainted by lack of experience, that I havent been manipulated - but me against what? Me alone against the whole world, because (surprise, surprise) B HASNT EVEN CALLED. There prolly is a good reason for it, but at this stage, im so hurt and angry and frustrated that I dont care. He obviously cant deal with it and has left me to grab the bull by the horns by myself. I still give the benefit of the doubt and still stand by my honest account of his personality and of his life, because I still beleive in him as a person and I have not one bad thing to say about him, though Im hurt by the way he has chosen to deal with this. I do indeed feel very alone.

I need to go take a walk I think. I cant concentrate at work right now, I cant concentrate on anything. Something has got to fucking give.

Im sorry for rambling for so long. Thank you all again for your love and support.

- Miserable Munchie

Munchkin,

I'm so sorry that you seem to be right on most accounts of your post. But since B did not step up to the plate like a man and be there for you (and that in its self is horrible!) You sadly should keep your family life together. As harsh and bad as they make it out to be, it is still family that will be there in the end.

I don't wish for you to just take the first marriage offer that seems to 'sound' good though. Please don't settle for less than happiness for yourself. I know you love B with every ounce of your being. I understand how much he means to you.....BUT.....and to me its a big but!

He should have been there to defend you! To support you! To comfort you! I can't buy into the phone problems thing (he DID get in contact with you to tell you this!) he could have just as easily gotten in touch with your family by now (declaring his love for you) but he hasn't.

I know that happiness may be far from you right now. I'm sure that your family means to care about your happiness even if they seem to be making it sound like its all about THEM. But you do have your whole life ahead of you still.

The pursuit of happiness is something we should all try to keep within our grasp. On a side note tomorrow morning I am going to the funeral of a friend that I have known his whole (short 22 year) life, I was there when he came home as a baby, got him his first job, and spoke to him less than a week ago. Munchkin, from those perspectives...Please don't give up on happiness because of one VERY hurtful time in your life.

Don

Munchie,

While I cannot even pretend to understand your religious/family issues here, I will still advise you to not marry someone just because your family approves of him.

You love B. If B comes through for you, then I say go with him (provided that he has a VERY good reason for acting the way he has and you are POSITIVE he will be supportive from this day forward). If he doesn't come through, then you will have to move on. Does he have email? Perhaps you should write to him and explain that you will be forced to get married to someone else if he doesn't stand by you here. That might be a wake up call.

I don't know. Part of me wants to tell you to go back to your family and try to appease them. But the real me wants to tell you to get them out of your life. It sounds like they are so stifiling and controlling and don't think you have your own mind and are not capable of making your own decisions. I call that abuse. The attitude that "I will love you and accept you as long as you act exactly how I want you to act" does not stem from love. It stems from control and manipulation, and I don't care if this comes from a spouse, or parents, or an entire community. That attitude is just not right.

I want the best for you. But different things make different people happy. For me, I can pick up and move wherever I want tomorrow, or quit my job, or do anything I want, and there is no one to stop me. That freedom makes me happy.

You have done nothing wrong, so I am having trouble seeing how you can survive in such a limited environment. I mean, if you marry one of these men that your parents like, wouldn't you just live under his rules after you leave your parents' house? No thanks.

But don't give up hope. There is a great big world out there, and you CAN do whatever you want. You CAN be whatever and whereever you want. Please don't sit there and think that there are only 2 possibilities: Your family, or B, because there is so much more.

Like I said, I have no idea what it is like to grow up in a Muslim family. I just want you to know that there are resources out there to help you break free if that is what is in your heart.

You have such spirit and fire, and I don't want to see it burn out or extinguished by your extremely controlling family.

My thoughts are with you.
Emmie

Well, the only thing that would redeem B is if he's landing in Sydney airport RIGHT NOW!

This is a bummer Munchkin - not only are you standing up BIG TIME for someone who seems to be incognito on the other side of the world, the weird circumstances (photos and his non-appearance) are alienating your family.

Now really, it might be worth it if you could actually BE with B, but he's nowhere to be seen! Or heard!

So I can very easily see how you are feeling SCREWED big time.

Time for damage control.

Here is a message from AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL.

Do not go into DARK SPIRAL.

The bottom line is this. You are a good, loyal, loving, trustworthy person. You have such FINE qualities. It's pretty obvious. There's no problem with YOU! That's point one.

Secondly, your family, massive histrionics aside, only have care and love for you. It's THEIR care and love, but nevertheless it's care and love and that's more than a lot of people get. Forget their angles and guilt trips for a sec and focus on the fact that they LOVE you.

So, you're a great person. And you have LOVE for you. In time you will be able to calmly create a more independent life from your family.

The problem here is HIM. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Look at his actions. If anyone anywhere had tried to do that to me with photos I would be onto it FEROCIOUSLY and RELENTLESSLY.

Rather than turning on yourself or turning on your family - start to see him a little differently and work your damage control back from there.

You might have to swallow your pride a bit here on this one, only because he hasn't stepped up for you when needed. Swallow your pride a little bit, accept the love of your family and work diligently towards your independent happiness.

It's DEFINITELY out there and you'll find it.:)

P.S.- I agree with emmie re: stifling family, but I think the time to break free may not necessarily be in your best interests at this second.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as I'm sure you're already acutely feeling, B is a worthless piece of crap. This is ABSOLUTELY, UNdoubtedly, unforgivable behavior he is exhibiting. I would write him a long "Dear B" letter detailing just how he has hurt you and made you miserable, while you were trying to defend him. That IS NOT right. I would probably use a lot of profanity, cutting insults, and end it on a righteous note (which you have every right to do) with "GOOD RIDDANCE" as the salutation. He should be nothing to you anymore; he does not deserve it.
As for your big fat ethnic family- how can they make you do anything? They can't! They can guilt the hell out of you, but they can't make you move home, quit your job, or enter into an arranged marriage. You're 24! My dad has yelled, screamed, smashed things, cried (no, SOBBED) tears, blames himself for being a terrible father, etc. My mother has ordered me around, physically grabbed me with both hands, manipulated, insulted, accused me of forcing something horrible on them, of being selfish, stupid and naive. She loves to tell me how she cries herself to sleep because I no longer call, how she drops to the floor crying in exhaustion, and that it's all the OM's fault and he has turned me against them. It's all LIES and MANIPULATION. The truth is I don't call anymore because of the insane way they have reacted to my relationship, and the way they've threatened me. They've threatened to disown me, cut off my college money, and even hinted at having me mentally examined. (Like they can commit ME.) Well, none of these horrible things have come to pass, two months later. They call me to chat every once in a great while, tell me they love me, and avoid any mention of the OM. They have made a grave mistake in their treatment of me, and did it because they fully expected me to cave right in and run home, doing everything they say. Well, I didn't, because who I date is none of their business, and really no cause for such absurdity and hurtfulness. I know it's a great burden to disobey your parents for the first time, but it's also a great freedom. I know they love me, and I'm sure all parties will be forgiven in time. But for now, I'm still on strike, because no one is ready yet, and someday I think they will feel very foolish for the things they've accused my boyfriend of. I think your family would come around too, especially if they met him and saw his intentions were good. But we are ALL left wondering now, aren't we? ARE his intentions good? Where has he gotten off to, when his character is called into question with a dirty trick? I don't think B is worth all the defense you have made for him after all, but that does not mean you must slink home with your tail betwixt your legs, and follow orders like a little girl. At 24, it has come time to decide if you will break with tradition or be enveloped into it. Either way is perfectly fine, as it's your life, you know your decisions best, and you must make your own happiness. But don't feel FORCED to do anything just because perhaps your judgment wasn't spot-on one time. That doesn't mean you don't know what you're doing. Maybe B is a good guy in ideal circumstance. But when the going gets tough, B just gets going in the opposite direction. Please stay away long enough to make some decision about the course of your own life. Moving to the States may very well be your best option, and you can start anew when the time comes, half a world away. I wish you luck, a beautiful new life, and for plenty of updates.....

Muchi

I am soooo sorry... Although YOu should make the amends wit your family because no matter what they will be there for you ... they may kick and scream and act unbearable but deep down they truely LOVE you... I didn't speak to my family for a year and a half because they didn't approve of my last relationship.....Well Now I am closer to my family then ever.... ALTHOUGH you do need to talk to them and tell them how you feel and YES set ground rules.. for both of you guys to live with...... B is not the right man for you...and I don't think you should honestly put your love and effort into this... You obviously take more ownership of this relationship... and he is to childish to fight for love.. why lose your family over it?????/ If he really loves you and really wants you than he would be fighting for you and you would of been on the first plane to where he is....... Or he would be trying desperatly to contact you when ever he could.... I am sorry if what I am saying is not what you want to hear but this is how I feel....

Sorry hun... Please take care of yourself and don't make any RASH decisions!!!

Mer

Munchkin, everyone has pretty much said what I would say here but for one thing, and that is that at one time years ago I was hurt by someone in a somewhat similar fashion in a way, and I spent the next year or so examining myself, reasurring myself where required and re-examining values as needed. I think that he has had his chance and blew it so now you have to decide where you go from here, but there will still be love for you out there and you will find it in time, but the best response to everyone at this point is that you did what you thought was right. Perhaps there will be some great guy of your religion and belief system that you will find, or perhaps not but the most important thing is that you will have the bad times to make the good more special when they arrive, and when you find the person willing to put as much into the relationship as you have this one. Just remember the motto of the old b-----ds club - I don't know if the censor here will let me print the word out but I hope you put in the missing letters - Illigimenti Non Carborundom, translated into Don't let the b-----ds grind you down. Remember that all of us love you here and are behind you whatever you do.

My dear sweet Munchi~

What doesn't kill you in life only makes you stronger. There is so much great advice and information in this thread. Please do not neglect that! It's sad that B is not there for you and have to do this all on your own. It's not fair, it's not right and dammit it's not love. I know you love him, but like the others have said, we left questioning weather or not HE felt love.

There are people out there who have broken my heart and ripped them in shreds and after all was said and done…it was thrown into a blender. Days of crying, days of feeling worthless, days of feeling inadequate. Is there something wrong with me? How can I change? How can I be better? Well you know what I found out!? It's not me!! There is a person out there for everyone. I truly do, deep down to the pit of my heart, feel this way. Not all souls are compatible. Not all relationships will end with a 'Happily Ever After'. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! We just weren’t compatible. I WILL NOT CHANGE! Because I am who I am, and whoever I marry will love me for me, not who I pretend to be. I AM BETTER! Going through what I went through made me stronger, made me open my eyes a bit wider. I could have hit rock bottom and still feel worthless, but I pulled myself out and I will continue to hold my head high. No one can take better care of me than myself and I will do my damn hardest to keep above the bull shit!

When you read all these posts you need to remember that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU WILL NOT CHANGE AND YOU ARE BETTER!!!!!!