Emotional and physical cleaning...

My friends have been telling me that in order for a new man to come into a woman's life, she must make room. And by that it means both getting rid of clutter in her house, esp. her bedroom and closet as well as emotionally, which means cutting the ties of men who "brought her down" or ones with whom no long term relationship would ever develop, but whom we to hold onto because we do not want to be alone. So if we "declutter our lives" then we will be open to meet someone new. Do you think that there is any credence to any of this?

I don't know if cleaning your bedroom and closet will help, but it can't hurt.

As to weeding out the deadwood if you are interested in finding a serious LTR guy, the guys who you keep around who are either exes or that there is no future with but you don't let go because you do not want to be around, definitely. Get rid of them, or distance yourself from them.

There comes a time when we outgrow our security blankets and our security guys. Wash that man right out of your hair, as the song goes, and send him on his way.

There's a book about getting rid of clutter in your house and becoming organized, called "Clutter Cleaning" by Jeff Campbell and the Speed Clean Team out of San Francisco. I'm very bad with clutter. One thing I learned is to make myself go through stuff (accumalitives, paperwork, misplaced items) ONCE A WEEK and either pitch or give a home to something. Robin set up a filing system, so sometimes I just have to make a new file.

As far as the clutter in your heart and head, well, that's more emotional and can take years to get rid of. Baby steps. Read some books, like "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer.

Good luck!

I am all about this concept. Here is a link to a website that can help you to understand...or get an idea of how this cleaning metaphor reflects in your life....
Actually, it's just the mission statement that hits the nail...the book simple living is the best. I plan on buying simple loving soon...
(did that sound overly spiritual?)

http://www.simpleliving.com/

I know excess stuff blocks the positive flow in my mind and life...

xoxokerri :)

Cleaning out the heart, sure.

Cleaning out the closet instead sounds like a lame replacement to me for doing the emotional work.

If your heart is free and open and ready, then I don't think it matters a whit what's in your closet.

:)

It must be a concept related to the oriental placement of furniture and object in one's home. Clutter in that system blocks energy flow and if your wanting to draw a relationship to you that is positive, that could impede the process. I believe that must be the theory behind the advice given.

This concept sort of strikes home for me.

Briefly, my situation is this... and I'm not looking for lectures or advice about it, atm... I'm still currently living with someone though the relationship has gradually changed into a roomate situation. We haven't had sex for 10 months and he has been sleeping in the spare bedroom for about 2-3 months now. I'm in love with a ym that I've been having an internet relationship with for about a year. We're hoping to meet for the first time in the spring. And for the record, we can't live together for a couple more years anyway because of him having to finish college.

Both my current domestic partner and myself are clutter collectors. Me, because I hate to throw out anything that might still have some value and him because he is a chronic collector... books, videos, DVDs, action figures, games, and the list goes on.

In the past few weeks as we grow farther apart and as I can finally see the first meeting with Kevin on the horizon, I'm finding myself cleaning and dusting more, throwing out old clothes and things that I realize have no longer have value for me. I consciously (even anxiously) feel that I'm ready for a final separation to occur so that I can move forward.

At the same time, I see him organizing his collections, selling a few things on Ebay and in classifieds here and there, throwing out things that have been hanging about for over 5 years.

(the demise of our relationship has really remained rather unspoken between us so far)

So yeah, I think there could be a connection at some level between physical and emotional cleaning.

everyone for your insight. My house really isn't that cluttered, as it is in an almost Feng Shui design, but what struck me was the closet business... like subconsciously making room for some to join you? But what I do need to do is to clean out some emotional "closets" , I think, like purging all my archives and pictures of past relationships as I have a tendency to go back to read them...to what purpose, I have no idea, for I get sad when I do. And Kerri I will look up that site, as being a transcendentalist, I can always try to simplify even more I am sure! Thanks again everyone.

This is an interesting concept and one that seems to hold very true. It certainly explains why I've been cleaning so much lately! It's very similar to the nesting instinct before childbirth .. readying the home for a new arrival. Or that special time of the month when we clean as we wait for our "friend" to arrive. (Although I'm just waiting for the next hot flash these days.)

Do you think this is just a woman thing, because I've never seen a guy clean out a closet! Maybe they change the oil or wax their cars instead.

Thanks for the food for thought .. I'm going to clean something now.

:D

Princessdy

My YM returned to his homeland at my request to finish his education. He had three years left on his graduate degree and we were to see each other at holidays and summer.

Before the first summer, he had begun to be interested in another woman, someone his age (which was o.k. as I said he should go back free).

But he wanted to come for the summer, (to see how he felt about us), but I felt that if he did, we would be back and forth between confusion. And I knew deep down that he wanted children and I lost our baby when I was 50. Which was another reason I sent him back. I thought, if after school he felt he could still do without kids and still loved me after three years, then nothing would hold me back.

Anyway, I digressed. Our room was just as it was when he left. His computer with custom messages saying hello and goodbye to me, pictures all over and literally thousands of emails and letters. We also took many photographs (my entire trip to Europe was with him) and made music recordings together. At one time he had dedicated a webpage to me and I still had the graphics. Like you, it was something that I knew I'd want to see one day, but his clothes in the closet and all the above stuff made the pain of our ending even more difficult and hard to believe.

I boxed it all up. Threw out the old clothes, mailed back to him personal items (shipping was a fortune!), and took the letters and put them in a binder with the telephone bill that contained our decision to call off the relationship. A few months later he wrote me a beautiful poem......(we stayed friends) and I included that and I feel it is a history of us. The first email and the ending telephone bill and the poem of resolution. It is away. I've made the room mine again and one day when I am REALLY old, I'll be able to treasure the memories. Right now, I want to create new ones! :->

Wow, Softsong,
That is so beautiful. I'm sure it was very difficult for you to have to go through all that and still find the courage to let him go and find his "heart". You are to be commended, I don't know too many people who can unselfishly put their love for someone else first before themselves.

In the meantime, I wish you well, stay strong, keep your heart open...I feel good things coming your way...

Paris

If my story was of some value to you, Bad Dreamer, I'm pleased.
Thanks to both of you, BD and Paris. I wish I could say that I was always 100% selfless. LOL

I have rarely posted too much until recently, but I joined Ageless when things were winding down between the two of us and I needed to figure out things.

We had a major difference in how we should view our relationship once he left to go home. He honestly told me that if I made him go home for three years, he would not be able to be faithful physically, but I would have him emotionally. I could understand his perspective, but I had a hard time o.k.ing casual sex because it was never a part of the way I was brought up. Especially since ours was supposed to be a committed relationship.

So, I felt more comfortable just setting him completely free and then seeing what developed.

It has taken a long time to allow my heart to feel again. But, it is opening and I think you're right....there's a lot of good to come!

Thanks for listening :-)

I wanted to change the subject just for a sec, and mention something about ym and education. It seems a lot of ow are meeting men in college, and their education (which, understandably needs to come first) seems to get in the way of the development of these relationships. I never understood why ym couldn't make some sacrifices and attend a college closer to their ow, even if it meant having to work a job and pay for school themselves or get a student loan versus a scholarship? I guess I sound a bit selfish here, but if I was in love with someone in college, I would want the school issue to be worked out instead of them leaving me to have to go so far away. I think what you did was selfless and commendable also, Softsong (btw, I like your avatar, you're a beautiful lady!) I guess I'm just not that selfless is what I'm trying to say. Are any of you reading this thread finding yourself in a situation that involves dealing with ym's education?

Back to clutter: Baddreamer, I think maybe you could make a collage of some of the pics and letters and hang it up in a frame in your bedroom? Maybe you could just clip out key elements of some of the letters and pics so the collage doesn't become massive, but holds dear what you most like about these things.

Xmas, no, clutter cleaning isn't just for women. Robin cleaned a LOT of my clutter! :D He even went through and organized my personal stuff. He's anal-retentive when it comes to organization, and cleaning a closet is actually therapeutic for him, so I let him have at it! I'm a pack rat, I can't bear to part with anything, so a lot of times he has to do this when I'm out of the house. He's actually thrown away stuff of mine that I "wanted", but if I don't know that he threw it away, I don't even notice it gone. He knows what I really want and what I just think I want.

Thanks Polly for your compliment. I have always thought you are an attractive and intelligent lady! And I enjoy reading your posts.

Yes, I've noticed that the education of the ym does get in the way a lot. In this case, he was wanting to throw it away and just stay with me. I thought that would be a mistake in the longrun.

At first, he hoped I'd want to come to live in Poland as he loves his homeland. Originally, he never had any intentions of moving to the USA. But when he came to stay with me for a year (on a leave from school), he saw me with my grown children and grandchild and he knew that I needed and wanted to stay in the States.

He felt that he was going to have to be the one to give up his home and family, and he was willing. He pretended to be all right, but deep down he was very homesick. He got a tape recording from all his friends back home and I thought he'd rush to play it. Instead, he put it in a drawer and never listened. I wondered how he could be so cold about his friends and then he told me that if he listened, he'd cry for all he left behind.

In the meantime, our problem was that he was here on a six month's visa. We extended it another six months, but the only way for him to stay permanently was to jump into marriage. I wanted a little time to pass before we took that step.

In Poland his education would be free. If he stayed away longer than a year, it would be gone. Tuition here is very expensive.
Coming from Poland, his level of income was meager compared to mine and as a newly divorced woman, my finances were extremely tight!

And while my ym's English is very good, he feared studying in another language than his own. And the years he put in studies there, would most likely not transfer here.

In general, I agree with you Polly, the ym may not always need to move across the country to pursue his education. In our case, it was a little more complex.

BTW, the yw he is now with is very good for him. They make a wonderful couple and she likes me, very much. And I can see how very much she loves him. They had all their classes together and studied together. He kept telling her about me, how much he loved me and she listened thinking how wonderful it would be to have someone love you like that. He didn't know it, but she felt jealous and knew she had no right.

She fell in love with him for the way he loved me. Eventually, what was a friendship became more and more riddled with attraction and she (being a virgin at the time), reasoned that she wanted to know what love was like, give herself to it, even if it meant loosing him when he returned to America.

In short, he was a lucky guy....he had two females selflessly thinking of his welfare! LOL

After I told him that the summer visit was better left alone, and we officially ended our plans for a future.......she asked to write to me. She said she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me and she hoped I could forgive her.

It was difficult to do, but I have befriended her and wish them well.

"Are any of you reading this thread finding yourself in a situation that involves dealing with ym's education?"

Yep. Moving all around the damned country so he can get that education :>

At least 2 more stops to go: post-doctorate and faculty - but if he'll have me along ...... I'll go.

Gotta go pack some more now :>

Blondie,

What your friends are saying reminds me of Feng shui. I wanted to tell you a time when I was in your shoes. I knew of this one gal in high school who I really liked who treated me as a friend. I wanted more than just friends but it did not work out. To make the long story short, the t-shirt she gave me and all the pics I had with her on my scrap book is gone. I burned the pics and gave the t-shirt to charity and it helped me move forward. There are times where we hold things and it is hard to let go of them. We need to let go of those memories sometimes and we need to get rid of anything that reminds us of the bad things in life. Only then we can move forward into a brighter future. I hope that helps ya a bit Linda :) Good to see you again.

I like getting rid of things once something is over.whenever I ended a relationship I would get rid of everything the person gave me.I would give the things away to people who I knew liked them,sure there were some pretty things,I didn't want the memories.I wanted to move foward.with a bunch of old memories staring me in the face ,it would have been hard to do.

I hate it when I run across something I forgot I had and it was from an ex.I don't want to live in the past,it's over.

one thing I love about our home now is that most of the stuff in it is all stuff we picked out together.it's OUR'S,not left over from out past.our life together is what I care about now,not the past.

once you meet the right person ,cleaning out things from the past becomes easy.they just don't matter anymore.

Bad,

It wasn't an easy decision for me to do that but I figure that if I kept the items, it will just hurt me more. It's just an interpretation for me..but of course for others they can keep alot of that stuff as long as they are not attached on what could have been like in my situation. I am a sentimentalist and I keep certain things for memory :).

this one struck a cord in me. I believe closure is important. Extremely! After relationships, usually one or the other is suffering heartache more. Most times it hurts even more just to know that your hurting more then your ex. Saying to yourself, "How can he/she be over me so quick? while I'm hurting so much, thinking still of only he/she"

So anyway, I agree that things from the ended relationship should be put away and kept away from yourself. I don't agree with actually throwing it all away. BUT that is your own preference. Actually, I recently had an ending to a relationship with a woman I was sure from the second I met her I wanted to be with forever. I met her thru a friend and for two years we were just email pals. Until finally we got together for a movie and our friendship turned right into a full-blast love affair. The next day I was so excited, elated, crazed, happy. I went into my old
relationships drawer and threw everything in the garbage! I felt like "Why in the world would I ever look at any of it again?? I found my heart!" Anyway, sorry for rambling, but to end this excerpt, three years later, she didn't feel as in love with me as I still loved her, and we broke up. I still have all these things from our relationship, but nothing from prior relationships. I was a bit hasty in tossing away everything. I still am trying to hid away eveything from this ex, but it hard, thanks for the posts, it helps.

As the sayings go, Out of sight, out of mind & time heals.
WELL they are somewhat true, everyone is an individual.
So each have a way to cope and heal. Friends are the most common way of getting thru.. so this is great site!

A lot of things that furnish our home consist of antiques from my mother's side and antiques from Robin's mother's side. It is a comfort and a mainstay of our home together. Even the most "frivolous" items are saved, because we embellish our pasts, our families, and we want my kids and his kid to have that.

When you throw things out, ask yourself: "Will my daughter/son want that someday, will that be important to them?"

With my old boyfriends's pics and such: I ask myself "Will I ever look at this again, how will I need this?" Well, there are a couple of them that played major roles in the development of my life, and I'd never want to exclude their memories, so I keep them, included Robin in on them, and kept them in a place where if sometime I need to go there, I can. :)

As far as the collage thing, I'd do it more old friends and family thing...in fact, I already have! It's great and I get a lot of pleasure out of it! :)

Bad,


I don't recommend anything. It is really up to you and how seeing those memories will affect you from moving on :) . I forgot to mention one thing...you mentioned that by seeing the pics and that you feel the love of what you had...that is the answer you are seeking when you accidentally bump into those memories. You will cherish and remember the good...as for me...I did not see that when I burned the pics...and I don't regret what I did because I knew my life had to move forward and not dwell on the past.

I have an emotional blockage from my very first relationship and I think it is going to burst and kill me or drive me to suicide.

gadfly,if you really feel this way you need to talk to someone about it and VERY soon.I'm sure anyone here would be glad to talk to you and try and help or if there is someone in your town who you can speak to about being depressed please do it.
things will get better,you may just need a little help getting through it at this time.take care.

some of Gadfly's other posts lead me to believe this is a game of sorts.

But if not, we are willing to help.

F#cking hell, is this Naive Street I'm on?


He's taking the piss. :D

well all....it does seem as tho GF fellow here HAS pulled us ALL IN....even negative attention-seekers get their 'reward' .....what id like to know is that outside of simply 'observing responses' WHAT IS HIS PURPOSE HERE...GF...care to elaborate? Think we have all loved and lost........from this post i thought there may be SOME redeeming factor here...but the post response to 'sharpest tool in the tool box' is just an attention ploy...arrogant at best. But u know me...i 'try' to hold myself above being able to be reduced to the maturity level of a two yr. old by responding AT ALL here....call me BAD..i just couldnt=)

ps...his comment to suicideblonde makes me think he's not all that serious about...or he would have embraced suicide's name as he would have contemplated in the 'deep' dark regions he professes to explore....but he doesnt LIKE her name....?maybe he thinks too highly of himself while wishing that he could exile that characteristic in all others...*see profile.

Since I shared my home with a husband who died - and now share it with a another man (my wonderful younger guy), I know all about this....

I have one box of my husband's stuff that used to live in the dresser and now lives in the top of a closet ...

and a beautiful framed quilt of my wedding day that hangs on the wall in a place of honor and always will.

And I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who can understand and respect it's place in my life - one of my prerequisites in a man is not to be threatened by such a thing :>

Does make for some interesting conversation with the dinner guests :>

re: gadfly.....never "followed" him.don't have a "clue" who he is,don't "keep up" with everyone who post's here and "research" them.really only went by this one post,he sounded like he wasn't feeling too good about his life.If it's a joke,well then I guess if that's all he has to do with his life,I'll stand by my original post and tell him he needs help.maybe he's just lonely and has no friends,don't know cause' I really don't know the guy:confused:


re: keeping things vs getting rid of things...I would have to have a 50 room house to keep everything I ever had,plus I love giving stuff away to people who I know will enjoy it.

I had a beautiful unicorn collection from Lenox or Princeton Galleries ,one of those places.It was from my ex husband,who yes has since died.I gave it to my neighbor because he collects unicorns,he loved it,I didn't want or need it...It made someone happy,that was enough for me.

kids may keep some "family heirlooms:.but.....more then likely they won't keep them all...but I'm sure what with ebay they will get use out of things.

keeping all kinds of "old boy friend" pics....just isn't for me.I would think it rather strange if my husband needed to keep a box of "old GF" pics to go look at them because he "needed" them????i'm sure there are pics around here behind other pictures,in books,wherever...if I come across them,sure I may look at them...but I would hope I never need them.I have what I 'need" and am glad.If those other times were so great,I guess I would have stayed.Of course I'm not taling about if the spouse died,but I'm sure we all know that's an entire other matter.

I guess I just realize I can't keep everything,never saw a hearse pulling a U-haul:eek:

Don't worry Naf - one picture and a box in the closet won't exactly require a 50 room house to maintain ....

Everything I own fits nicely into 5 rooms.

Packing now for the move back to California and the sad truth is that probably 25% of the truck is my boxes of memorabilia and mementos from trips, places I've lived and people I've cared for.

THAT I can't replace - appliances and furniture - I can ......

There is truth in humour. If I simply wanted attention I would not take such long breaks from this place. My story about the retarded girl is 100% true. Singalou, if you dont like me just say so. SBs name is perfectly fine in my book, dont know where you got that idea. And the deep dark regions YOU say I profess to explore, wtf? /throhandsinairtoexpressduress

why do I even bother?


And thank you all for your concern, but Ive kind of become attached to my vestiges of love. Even if it does kill me. /shrug like smoking

I never took the time to get back to this post, but just wanted to let you all know that my initial reaction to Gadfly was wrong.
Decided to pm him, and I am glad I did. He's an interesting person and even if his initial humor made him seem insincere, nothing could be further from the truth. Just wanted you to know since I was the one who questioned the post.

My friends have been telling me that in order for a new man to come into a woman's life, she must make room. And by that it means both getting rid of clutter in her house, esp. her bedroom and closet as well as emotionally, which means cutting the ties of men who "brought her down" or ones with whom no long term relationship would ever develop, but whom we to hold onto because we do not want to be alone. So if we "declutter our lives" then we will be open to meet someone new. Do you think that there is any credence to any of this?

I hope nobody minds too much if I drag up this 3-year-old thread, which I just now happened to come across... and it couldn't be more timely for me. The thread developed some interesting further thoughts, but I'm focusing on SB's original question. For me, the answer is YES!

The week before my man and I met in real life (after 1 year of long distance), I cleaned and polished and decluttered my home, emptied a bathroom drawer and half the bedroom closet for him, put in good-quality hangers, a stack of fresh towels, a robe, and slippers. He was very touched by all this... it made him feel welcome and AT HOME. At the end of his 5-day visit, we were so cozy together that I wanted him to be there permanently.

That was 10 months ago, and we embarked on a plan of action to get him back here on a student visa. He will arrive in approximately 48 hours from now, and I'm taking a little Ageless break from my weekend of cleaning and decluttering... this time making extra room for more of his clothes, his books and CDs, saxophone and clarinet, computer... and well... his whole gorgeous self. :)

I believe my house is a powerful symbol of my life, and its state of cleanliness and freshness (or lack thereof!) directly reflect those conditions in my life. By creating a fresh clean space for something new, I welcome good things into my home and my life.

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/1141/04librarycumdiningroomab8.jpg

The concept makes sense to me.

You do have to let go of the old to make room for the new.

Native American practice is to use a smudge stick (sage) to clear out "bad spirits" in the house. I always do that whenever I move into a new place!:)

Suzie Orman says you have to clean out your wallet to make room for money!

I agree with cleaning your home, storing old
love letters/pictures/etc., but I don't think it's mysterious, I think it puts us in the right frame of mind to welcome someone new into our lives.

Faith ! you couldn't have found a better timing to bring back suicideblond's thread !
I can totally relate to the original post also. I'm in the exact same situation. Need to clear my head of past experiences, to totally erase the trauma that my ex-husband has caused me by totally shattering my personality.

As to my bedroom (my whole house actually) it's quite a problem. The new man in my life (the viking) is a cleaning maniac. I've never seen an apartment as clean and tidy as his. He's coming here in November and I'm afraid that he's going to be shocked. I'm a total slob, my whole house looks like a Romanian gypsie's mobile home.Not just because of the bright colours, rugs and paintings everywhere but also books, cd-s and magazines, files and papaer scattered all over the place. I think I will have to spend the whole month of October cleaning and getting rid of things before his visit in November. Oh boy !:confused:

I'm going back to read all the posts on this thread now. I'm sure I'll learn something.

I know a few of you have seen me post something similair and I'll say I'm a very strong advocate of this, but simply cleaning the closet is not enough.

I don't reccomend throwing everything he gave you out, but cleaning it and starting fresh can be quite refreshing. On top of that I'd reccomend doing other things, preferable trying new things, excercise, going out and having fun. It's things like this that you not only clear old baggage, but rediscover who you are. Knowing who you are is confidence in oneself that little can shake, and it helps you shake many emotional scars under control, and perhaps start the healing process.

A vibrant, rich, and invigorated woman is one who not only doesnt need a man, but can contribute the greatest she can to a relationship that she is ready for.

(Tired, and either I'm not making as much sense as I usually am, or not giving enough details)

Giggle Loganic :) ... I read somewhere that the best thing a single woman can do is be a little bit hopeless....like forget to put the garbage out sometimes and get the lightbulbs mixed up. If theres no room for a man in your life, its not only hard for her to sense a position in her life for a man, its hard for him too.

I was pretty good when I was single, but I made sure not to fill too many gaps:)

well, i must be getting ready for something BIG because all i've been doing for the last three months is cleaning, selling, changing, painting, new flooring, new carpeting, etc. etc.

i can't seem to stop. i just got sick of my life being disorganized, and having too much "stuff." part of this originated after a conversation i had with a doctor one day when he said, "why do we keep all this stuff? our kids don't want it, we don't use it, we pay to store it....it ridiculous!"

right then, i decided to start throwing "stuff" out. i went to target and bought plastic boxes that fit on my closet shelves, and anything i didn't want to throw out (mostly pictures) i put in there and put away for a more convenient time to sort through. i'm working through my house, drawer by drawer, closet by closet.

it feels wonderful, like a purge of a lifetime!

Although I believe that emotional cleaning is more relevant here, I do believe there is somewhat of a connection to cleaning physical clutter and emotional well being. I know I'm always in a better mood when I clean and toss out things I no longer need. ;)