Looking for help, please read.

Hi, just found out about this place and I am relieved that there are others like me, and that it is not all that rare.

Well I'm in quite a bind so I'll just give you some background before I get to the problem.

I don't want to come out and say my age right away, but I will say I am old enough to vote. I have not had the easiest time during my life, in regards to relationships also. I was born with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, a progressive disease in which due to not having the protein dystrophin in my muscles I can not maintain muscle strength and slowly lose the strength in every muscle (including heart and lungs). I was able to walk up until about age 9. Earlier on I had a somewhat normal life, kids don't really mind that you are different, and neither do the girls. But as you grow up people kind of get more shallow and less accepting. Needless to say, I wasn't getting any better.

Anyway, fast forward to a year and a half ago. Haven't been in a relationship since 5th grade, and those aren't really relationships anyway. Friends come and go, until I met my two best friends who have stuck around. Anyway, I really started getting severely depressed, can't sleep, can't eat kinda deal. "Why me?" "Who in the right mind would want me, I practically can't do anything without someone helping me." Everyday was so horrible I didn't want to be around.

Then one day it all changed.

I was playing an online game on my computer, and for some reason this one woman was standing around in the game and I usually don't help just anyone, but I helped her. Anyway, after I helped her we talked for a month or so, then started talking over instant messenger. After a while we exchanged pictures, found out we were on two different sides of the country. Some feeling were there for each other, from certain things we would say to each other, flirting and what not. And eventually this became a little more and evolved into talking on the phone.

Well one weekend shortly after we started talking over the phone we talked for over 5 hours one night, 8 the next, then over 8 after that! That weekend our true feelings surfaced, and we talked about how this could work and started planning things. Well she told me she had strong feeling before that weekend and not too long after we started talking (as did I). She knows all about my disease and our feelings for each other overcame that. And I felt special because I found this person who accepted me for who I am, without me having to convince her to give it a chance.

After that our love grew, and we grew closer and closer till we could talk about anything, and knew everything about each other.

We were the perfect fit. I have a thing for older women, she had a history in nursing, we loved talking to each other, and I can talk to her about more serious things that I can't with others my age, like politics and world news and the like, and movies. To top it all off she is the most beautiful, kind, loving, and accepting person I ever have known.

We had some hard times, like when one of her 4 kids (from a previous marriage) found out about us. That was hard, but I am starting to get along with the daughter who found out, and that is being patched up.

And one time she almost left because of the extraordinary circumstances of our relationship (she didn't want to go, but tried). We worked through that too, and ever since, our love grew stronger and everyday was more special and things were going great.

I am working out things with college, and finally the one thing we have been waiting for has finally came. I finally have the money to visit her a lot, until the day when school is done when I can move out there with her. It was finally here.

Well one night this weekend I said I'll call her back in an hour or so cause I wanna get a snack. I said the usual "I love you so much, seeya soon beautiful" she responded in kind like always. Then I called back and the phone was busy. So I tried until I got through and she didn't want to tell me who called. Eventually she told me it was Billy, her first boyfriend. The person she looked for before she met me and fell in love with me.

Suddenly in the span of one phone call while I was away she wasn't sure about us and it was all maybe. Well over the past few days she still hasn't picked one of us. But she is still in love with me and I have never stopped being in love with her.

She has always had worries about guys because the only two people who treated her right were me and him. I am the only one she has ever had faith in that she knew would not treat her badly or change on her.

3 things that make her wonder I think is her history with him, which was long ago when she was my age, and the fact that she can show him off and tell everyone about him, and that she could tell her kids about him.

But some things that I hope she sees is that she did break up with him 8 times. I have almost been with her as long, she was with him for 2 years (Probably less since she broke up so many times, we never really broke up), we have been through much more together and stayed together no matter what, and she never "did" anything with him if you get me, and lets just say ours went a bit further. And also, she loved him a long long long time ago, and she is in love with me now, when she has become much wiser.

I told her I would want to be together no matter what I have to do, if that means being together and living together, but not having a physical relationship so her relationship with others isn't strained, so be it. We love each other deeply enough for that to work I think.

Thats the problem, I don't know what to do, maybe showing her this thread will help her to see that there are others like us. But ever since I've known her the pain has gone away, every day is easy, and I know that my life will always get harder as the years go by, but with her in it, it can be easier to deal with. I love her so much and am scared that I might not have her again, I beat the odds in finding this one of a kind, once in a life time love and soul mate, and I need her. I know she loves me, and she always tells me that she loves me more than anyone she has ever loved. This is a rare kind of love, that many don't experience. I have faith that true love will win out, but sometimes I worry. Love conquers all, right?

I have talked to her every single day since we met, and called everyday and talked an hour or more since we started calling. This love is too deep to end over someone who comes out of no where and expects her to still be there.

She hasn't decided yet, but I know I have a good chance of still being with her, but I am still scared. What can I do to try and keep her love?

Any help is appreciated.

Also, just so you know, the age gap is 20+ years.

First off, may I say that you sound like an extremely wonderful ym. They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." and apparently, your disease did just that. You missed out on a lot of dating, but trust me, you didn't miss much.

That said, I can tell you from what I've read of your post (and from being here 3 and 1/2 years) that this lady will not be there for you in the long run. I know you don't want to hear that. The problem with people is, they use whoever they can to get what they need, and then move on when there is no longer a use for them. If she loved you so much, anyone else coming back into her life would not have mattered. This "Billy" would have appeared, she would have told him to get lost, and that would have been the end of it. It sounds like she had doubts other times as well. You fulfill a need for her, perhaps attention and compassion, but she clearly isn't ready to go the distance.

If I were you, I would keep on gaming, meet other people, talk to LOTS of other women, try to weed out the weirdos, and be available for someone who is more available for you. You haven't had a lot of experience with women. Going to a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea either. Someone who could help you iron out your feelings and put things in perspective, especially if this lady decides to bail. You sound sweet and wonderful. You deserve someone equally so. So you have a disease, so what? So do tons of other people. You still deserve a decent, mutually loving and respectful relationship, just like anyone else. Good luck! :)

That was a beautiful and caring post. You're a special person, inside - whatever the challenges of your outside physical being - and you should know that.

But here's the rub. You can't do anything, anything at all, to keep someone else's love. Love must be freely given by the other person - or it isn't love, but some kind of obligation and that's not what you want.

All that you have to offer another person, and all that anyone has, is their heart. You've done that, insofar as one can before meeting the other IRL.

The question now is what is in her heart.

You've told her how you feel and what you want - now you must wait, hard
as it is, to hear how she feels and what she wants.

And honestly, don' t spend your time thinking of things you can give up to try to hang on to her. It won't work.

Either she has a heart to give you a chance, fully and openly and without reserve, or she doesn't.

And if she doesn't, you must sadly tell her that you wish it were different, but taking a chance on love requires both people to be willing, not just one of them.

And trust to fate or whatever you believe in that a two-way channel will open for you, someday and with someone else. Because it will.

You sound like such a wonderfully loving and caring young man. Although I can't add to the very wise words of Polly and Desert Spring, I just want to emphasize their words to you that there are women out there who will love you genuinely. Your situation is even more difficult because the two of you have yet to meet in person. Even if this other guy had not shown up, there is no guarantee that upon meeting face-to-face that you would still feel the same. Please know that there are many many women out there who will love you unconditionally. Pursue those activities that interest you and eventually, you will find the right woman. Try thinking this way, somewhere there is at least one woman who is looking for someone like you, someone who cares more for what a person is in the inside than what physical difficulties are on the outside. She's looking for you--go find her!
Flyer

Thanks for the help everyone. Things are still in the air. But I can't give up hope just yet. I just read some posts by Bella and went to her site and her situation is almost identicle to mine.

DH, I am a romantic and I always believed that in this life, there's "the only one person” supposed to be my prince. Some years have passed after I started meeting people, and I can tell you that rarely can we, if ever, be sure that the person we are in love with, will be there forever. I don't know if there's such a thing as "the one".

I've been in love before, and everytime it seemed to be the great love of my life, until it was over and the next proved to be better, more like I had dreamed. It was probably because with time I learned to recognize what I liked and disliked, and the choices became closer and closer to my "ideal". Of course, even when you find "your ideal", still you have to hope he will like you!

So maybe "the one is the person that fills your wishes in various aspects, and arrives at the right time in your life. And there are no guaranties that you will not grow apart if you don't work hard on being a good partner as well as the other person.

Many people go beyond what you have had so far with her in their love stories. They get married, say their vows, have children, raise them, and well.... even after so much lived together, so many years of love-making and loving each other, they divorce.

No guaranties.

You are just starting your love life. Maybe it will be with her that you will live the rest of your life. Maybe not. Whatever happens, don't think it's all over and lost. I thought it was over some time ago, and I met someone wonderful right after. It made me feel grateful for that ending, despite almost 3 years of an intense love and the pain it caused me when it ended.

Three months later I love life again. I smile all alone. I look so stupidly in love. Life is beautiful, and it will make you smile again. Just don't give up!
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First off, I'm glad you found my site, and it helped you feel some hope. I need to update it badly.
You sound like a wonderful guy, you should be loved totally.
I bet she's scared. Age gap alone is terrifying, along with all that entails. You have the double whammy of the MD to go along with it.
I am positive she's nuts over you. I wish I could tell you that true love conquers all. I wish there was some magic solution that would keep her by your side always.
What I can tell you, is that my guy was very patient, very determined, very sure himself that we would work. That's all you can do, is let her know how you feel, and the rest is up to her.
If she does decide she can't do it, it doesn't mean you'll never love again.
The funny thing about being in love, is, it's easier to do again, after the first time. As long as you don't let yourself be bitter, but remember the happiness, and leave yourself open for that.
I know the desperate feeling of being scared of that loss, and the hope that you could just DO something to make it better.
If you think it would help, bring her here. If she would like to chat, feel free to give her my email. If you need to chat, that goes for you as well.
Hugs, and take care of you.

She left me. The one thing that I thought would be the most painful thing to feel would be if someone left me for another. She knew this. She said she loved me more than anyone she has ever loved. We were going to spend our lives together. Its all gone now. What am I gonna do now? The pain is too much, all day I thought about her now I have to have constant pains. How do I make it stop? Why does this crap happen to me, anything to make my life harder always happens.

DH, Zeph is right, the pain will subside, you will be okay, although now it seems to you like the end of the world, like nothing is worth living...but it is! Just believe us, we've all been there, very few of us married the first person we fell in love with, so we had to go through some painful separations in our lives.
Stay with us, learn about our stories, you will see that hope is not just another word. It exists because we've been proved again and again that after the storm, beautiful days will come.
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I'm so sorry to hear that, DHShogun. :( I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now.

It is so hard. Everyday I talked to her, and when I wasn't talking to her I was thinking about her. Even when I was thinking about something else, she was running in the back of my mind. Its just hard because of all we were going to do together, and the time we were going to spend together. Now when I think about it all I see is that guy standing there in my place. It gets harder when I think about the physical aspects of what we were going to do when we spent that first night together. Now its him in my place.

It just makes it so much worse that it happend when I was so close. It is like I was running and running and right when I reach for the finish line I was tripped.

Now the phone calls everyday and thinking of her every minute is replaced with painful memories. It wasn't so much the pain of being scared at the thought of being alone all of my life. It was just being scared of not being with her.

I don't know, maybe I'm too old fashioned. I have always believed in loyalty, honor, and trust. Once I make a friends I always keep in touch and never try to hurt them. It just gets to me because I have never tried to hurt her, not even once. I was always loyal, and never did anything to betray that loyalty and trust. I always thought of ways to surprise her with a love letter, a card, a gift.

I do feel less shy now, I think I can just come out and complement women I don't even know now. But there is another problem.

I always liked her daughter, who is one year older than me. She is like me in a lot of ways. She is a hard worker, never had a boyfriend, likes games and movies, likes the same T.V. shows, and she has very strong morals. Goes to church a lot (unlike me).

This might be due in part to her manic depressive, controlling father, who I know about from what her mother told me. But she is still a good person, and could look on the inside of someone easily.

But then again she is far away (now I could visit if anything ever happened with us). And I'd have the pain of hearing about her mother and "billy", and then she would find out about what I had with her mother. Just more to further complicate my life.

I just hope people can see past it all. I don't think I'm much to look at. I mean I have a scar down my back, and muscle contractures so I can't straighten my legs out totally or feet and arms. I have a very very little amount of strength to move my arms around. But despite all this I still look almost normal in my chair, I don't think I have a bad face, and people compliment my lips. But who knows what I'll look like when I have less strength, or maybe when my lungs get worse I'll need a tracheostomy ='(

I guess what I am getting at, and excuse the language, is that I imagine it is hard to stay physically attracted to someone when you wipe their ***.

Oh well, I can't expect life to be easy, especially with my luck, I may deserve it, but I can't expect it.

Heh, any older women interested in a loving yet physically dependant (prolly emotionally too) younger man?

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You will definitely be okay, DH! I feel something very special in your post, some humour among words that tell us of your sadness, and I feel something greater: Hope!

Stay with us!

Keep talking everyone, need to hear more=( What about the daughter?

I guess I would ask that same question.. what about the daughter?

What is your interest in the daughter? As a friend? Potential love interest? I wasn't clear on that. I guess I would ask myself why. Would it be to somehow remain close to the mother through the daughter? Is the daughter sort of like a "second choice"? What would her mother think of you pursing a relationship with the daughter? Please forgive my questions, I'm only trying to understand. Also, you are in pain right now, and now might not be the best time to be thinking in whatever terms you are considering about the daughter. You need to give yourself some time to heal from this and come to terms with it.

You sound like a wonderful young man, and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Again, I hope you don't mind my questions, but perhaps these are things you need to consider.

Gen

Well the question about the daughter is easy, don't go there. I think you already know why, given that you are aware that this would "further complicate" your life.


And as for what you're feeling now, well this shit happens. You can treat her good, better than the other guy, but if the chemistry between him and her is more intense than the one between you and her, then she'll always choose him. It's a hard fact, but a true one. That's not to say that you yourself will not experience this chemistry, you will, just not with this woman. You will now go through mourning the loss of your relationship, which will hurt sometimes. It won't always be like that, it can't be.


Keyword = Chemistry


Good luck,


micky

Originally posted by Genevieve
I guess I would ask that same question.. what about the daughter?

What is your interest in the daughter? As a friend? Potential love interest? I wasn't clear on that. I guess I would ask myself why. Would it be to somehow remain close to the mother through the daughter? Is the daughter sort of like a "second choice"? What would her mother think of you pursing a relationship with the daughter? Please forgive my questions, I'm only trying to understand. Also, you are in pain right now, and now might not be the best time to be thinking in whatever terms you are considering about the daughter. You need to give yourself some time to heal from this and come to terms with it.

You sound like a wonderful young man, and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Again, I hope you don't mind my questions, but perhaps these are things you need to consider.

Gen

I don't mind the questions at all. But Potential love interest is what I'd hope. And not to be close to the mother. I'm in so much pain I would not want to see her with him. As far as second choice, I don't know. It is not like I am settling, but then again I loved the mother so much anyone would feel like settleing.

As far as how she would feel, I called her and got the number. She was aprehensive, but I think that is because she was afraid I would call and tell her other kids. But it is hard for me, but why should I worry about how she would feel, if she left me so easily.

It still hurts. Every day she said"I love you, I love you more" "Soul mates" "I love you more than anyone I have ever loved" "I'm going to love spending my life with you" "I want you so bad"

And she did the moment I hung up, and then an hour later after he called, my love was thrown out. It seems so senseless and unfair. I just ask myself "Was my love not enough? What did I do" It was just so random, we loved each other more than ever, and just like mid sentence she changed her mind.

I don't know about the daughter. I'd prefer an older woman. I have about a 50% chance of passing on the disease to my child, and I can't in the right mind put someone through the pain I go through, without two parents to care for them as I'd be gone soon after, and an older woman compliments my maturity. I also prefer an older woman because I don't know how long I am going to be around, and if I had an older woman I'd probably go around the same time as her so we would not have to live long without eachother.

It is not like I am settling, but then again I loved the mother so much anyone would feel like settleing.

I think you may have answered your own question here. Don't ever settle. You may be at a point where you need to sort through all of this, before considering starting another relationship. If this is the way you feel at this moment, any relationship you start now is doomed.

You need to concentrate on yourself, your healing, do what is best for you, so that you can once again offer your complete self to another, and not be holding back, or thinking of another woman. I know it's hard, it took me a long time to make a "come back", and I spent much time alone. You deserve more, and any person ready to give her heart to you, deserves the same from you, something which perhaps you cannot give right now. You are rich in many ways. You have experienced what love is. There are people who have not, and those who are in similar situations as you, and those who are seeking and not finding. Be patient with yourself. I know your situation is a bit different and perhaps you don't feel as though you have time... for that, I have no words. You are deserving of as much love as someone can offer you, but you must also be ready to give as much in return. If you search yourself.. can you honestly say that you are ready?


Gen

I guess I'm just desperate to make the hurting stop. Once I feel better, I wonder if I should still try and talk to her. I wish there were more sites like this to meet older women who wouldn't turn away a younger guy. I just need someone to talk to on the same level as her to help me cope, and now that shes gone I don't know where to turn.

You have come to a good place. Like MariaLux said.. stay with us, hang out.. make some friends. It may not be much, but perhaps it is theraputic to share our stories... the hurting will subside eventually, believe that.

(((hugs)))
Gen

Pain is real and yes, emotional pain can be unbearable. When I lost my much loved husband to cancer, I want you to know that for a sustained period of time afterwards, I simply didn't want to be alive in a world without him.

I also want you to know that 8 years later, I love life again and see great beauty in it.

I know that having a physical disability is a bear, and while I won't say that I understand what it's like to live with something like that, I can imagine that it makes things that much harder.

But whatever burdens we have to deal with, we have, as far as I know, only one go here on this planet - and it's up to us to make this sojurn as positive,
meaningful and fundamentally good as we can manage.

So you have a challenge in front of you right now - to feel this pain as fully as you can - by writing, crying, thinking, singing, talking to a counselor - any way you can think of to get the painful feelings out of you and expressed into the world. Pain hurts more when you keep it inside, although sometimes getting it from the inside to the outside feels like it's gonna kill you. But on the outside of you, it starts to hurt just a little less.

And start thinking about anything that you can do to make yourself feel better, anything that you truly love to do all by yourself (and you CAN write, so I'd definitely do some of that) and maybe, anything that you can do to help other people who may be worse off than you.

The funny thing about helping others is that it helps you way more then it does them.

Are their other people with MD you could talk with or assist in your community?

I know the daughter sounds like a quick fix, but she's not, she's a way to hang on to a little bit of what you've just lost.

What you need to do, hard as it is, is fully experience that loss, and then see what is found in the aftermath of it. It's work and it's tough, but it's what being human is all about and you are strong enough to face this, hurt a while, and move on to whatever is next in your life.

Never doubt that .

Hugs ......

I really feel for you sweetie, I have lost two loves of my life, and I am only 31!

I loved this 40 year old man when I was 18, and we were pen pals before we met. We talked about marriage and being together forever, When we were together, it seemed wonderful too, but he changed abruptly and didnt want me anymore.
I tried to commit suicide, and ended up in a coma for two weeks.

The pain in my life for 6months after losing him was painful. I think because I thought he loved me, and we made plans together. That is what struck me about your posts. Your lady seemed to love you, and gave you promises, then all of the sudden backs out and it is like a blow. so unexpected.

I met a man when I was 19 and he was 28, and we had two boys together, but had problems for ten years, so we got a divorce, It hurt so badly too, but we both kinda drifted toward it.

I guess my first love is what landed me on my butt, cause it still leaves me confused today. Cause I cant figure out why he changed his mind.

I still love both of them, my first love and the father of my babies, my husband of ten years.

Now I am with my YM, and we have much better communication on our life goals. He is 20 years old, and he is my third love. We are getting married and expecting a Baby.

I would've never thought, I would get to loving a third person. Life is such a painful struggle.

I am so happy where I am today though, and when I look at my YM, I am glad I never gave up.

Keeping believing in love, cause you sound like such a special person with so much to offer to a lucky woman.

Hunny

I know when I have experienced loss, I just want to make the pain go away. A part of me is saying that this is the way it is going to be for forever. But that is not true. It will hurt a lot for awhile. But it will lessen, I promise. There are things you can do to move through the process in a more timely manner. Trying to MAKE it go away will NOT work. Only moving through the pain will get you to the other side.

Wanting to see if you can develope a relationship with the daughter is a way to try to make the pain go away. But it won't. It will just cover it up for a little while. Plus then you would be using the daughter and I don't think that you are that kind of person.

But it is VERY IMPORTANT to use this time for inner growth. It was only when I was going through difficult times that I grew and grew stronger. You know the little chick in the egg will die if it does not experience the struggle of hatching through the egg shell. Reflect on what you want out of life re: career, love, politics, education, spirituality etc. Write letters to your ex-girlfriend expressing your sorrow and disappointment BUT DO NOT SEND THEM TO HER. Just get this stuff out of your system.

It sounds like you have put all your eggs in one basket. I have done that many times with a relationship with a guy. To the extent that I distanced myself from my friends. Then I had to not only rebuilt my crushed romantic heart but I had to rebuild my day to day life to include friends.

As far as your life being meaningful with MS, I want to share with you about a remarkable woman. Her name is Carole Carsey. She developed polio at the age of 12 which left her a quadriplegic and on a respirator. Carole’s disability did not deter her from pursuing her education. She graduated with a degree in psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is the recipient of numerous awards and honors, including the Dallas Mayor’s Committee Disabled Person of the Year in 1981 and the Pilot Club Disabled Professional Woman of the Year in 1991. Carsey has served as president of the Dallas Association of Individuals with Disabilities, and in 1987, received the Grassroots Organizing Award from the Coalition of Texans with Disabilities.

She was the practicing therapist in Dallas that helped me get through 2 major losses in my life. She has helped 100's of people deal with lifes issues. She has retired from practice in 2000 and now is a published author. She is married to a wonderful 'normal' she calls him. She shared with me her strategies and apprehension while dating her now husband. She used a lot of the same suggestions that we post here in handling the issues that came up in their relationship.

It is obvious to see that this woman became your dream and your life. That dream is fractured but you are not. Grieve, grow and go on to a new dream. You will love again and be loved again. I promise.

Originally posted by yellowrose
But it is VERY IMPORTANT to use this time for inner growth. It was only when I was going through difficult times that I grew and grew stronger. You know the little chick in the egg will die if it does not experience the struggle of hatching through the egg shell. Reflect on what you want out of life re: career, love, politics, education, spirituality etc. Write letters to your ex-girlfriend expressing your sorrow and disappointment BUT DO NOT SEND THEM TO HER. Just get this stuff out of your system.


This is excellent advice.

Yellowrose is spot on with her post. I don't care what anybody says, people need time after such an experience, time to heal, reflect, learn, and most important of all, get happy again.


Good luck,


micky

Just an FYI...I have known two women friends over the years who have married guys with MS and lived happily ever after. One married a guy who was unable to walk well and had a very twisted body but did walk with a cane. He was brilliant and she adored his brain. This girl was drop dead gorgeous, on my swim team in high school, went off to college, later worked and fell for this educated guy but he had MS...still is with the guy and they have 3 kids all grown now...
The other friend was a pretty girl who couldn't see well but she was ok other than that...she married a guy with MS and they had a kid too, now grown.
I know you don't have MS, but this is a success story about true love and wanted to just share it with you...
Glad you are writing us.
Hadley

Man, a week later and I still feel like crap. Still thinking about her and its hard to be shut out at the drop of a hat after loving someone so completely. But I think help is around the corner. A woman I know who I met in the same game, who I knew before her is back from a business vacation and she was the only person I had to talk to about things before her, and if there was one person I needed to talk to now it would be her.

Ahhh crap. She talked with the guy on the phone today and he asked if she still called me, and she said yes. And he asked if she was in love with me, and she said yes. And he asked if she was with him and she said yes. Apparently its not as over as I think. I don't know what to do now, everything else in my life is falling appart and this seems like the last thing I have to reach for.

I don't like to judge people I don't know, but even if she had all these doubts, it doesn't seem fair to me that she keeps you in this terrible emotional roller coaster, going from between hope and desperation.

One must lack a heart to do this to you, especially to you, who only gave, gave, gave. Would you do to someone what she's doing to you, DS?

Time to be a shogun, master of your own world. Don't let people play with your feelings, even if you think it's not voluntary, that it is consequent to lack of maturity or decision on her part.

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Trish and Maria are right. She's stringing you along, because she can. Meanwhile, your heart is broken... the fact that she can do that to you shows that she is very selfish.

I'm so sorry. :(

Hugs ! Yes, I agree....move on with your life baby!

What the hell, now its over. He lives in a different time zone like me and he lives in a different country and she is leaving to see him already. A year and a half of "I am going to love spending the rest of my life with you, Craige", "Craige, no matter how sick you get you still have me". A year of that non stop every day and now she is already going to see him. I have no clue what to say wholy ****ing **** this hurts. I've never wanted to be this dead ever, and that is a lot coming from me.

Wow. Just go from meaning everything to someone, to meaning nothing in the blink of a ****ing eye.

Not only does it rip my heart to shreads, but it ****s up my life too. Now I don't have a way to move out of this damn house and have an independent life. Thats where I was going to go to school, now I don't know what the hell to do.

****!!!

Blah blah blech, going to a shrink on Thursday, maybe that will help.

I live in New Jersey right next to Atlantic City, so I don't know if that would work. But message me any time on AOL Instant messenger, screen name is Diehard Shogun, or email me at diehardshogun@comcast.net

I don't mind that you want to talk, I think I need it. Don't worry about stepping on toes, I have no problem opening up once I make a friend. Guess it comes from needing others to help with everything.

I agree with Raven and Trish.. many people here are concerned. Please free to talk to any of us, or all of us.. that is why we are here, to help and support one another. I am touched by and proud of my fellow members who posted on this thread with genuine care and concern. Truly a wonderful group of people here.

Ugh, wish I could stop thinking about her. Every time I do I picture her all over him and it makes me sick to my stomache.

in order to quit thinking of someone ALL the time. At first it gets worse when you do this... then your brain gets it and it goes away. Put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you think of her, snap it. I know, I know, your wrists will be bloody at first :D but it does work. It extingishes the automatic thought process of thinking about her.

Wow, tonight is going to be hard. I talked to her every single night before I went to bed since I called her for the first time. I miss hearing her say I love you before I go to bed. Man to top it all of she was so beautiful to me.

Man this is hard.

****

I need to find rubber bands.

No, but this morning was=( The reality of it all sets in after a few minutes, and you realize she just said goodnight to someone else.

By the way, I liked your old side pic better. Jessica Rabbit doesn't hold a candle up to you=)

Shogun, are you doing any of the suggestions that have been made on this thread? Let me know how they work out. Hang in there.:(

Originally posted by DHShogun
By the way, I liked your old side pic better. Jessica Rabbit doesn't hold a candle up to you=)

That's the sweetest thing! You certainly belong in here, with us, DS!

Aww, thanks. I used to make her cry too=( Anyway, you shouldn't be down in the first place. You are kind and beautiful, nothing to feel bad about, people should be saying this to you on a regular basis. You have a really nice smile.

DS: the girls I mentioned to you met their guys long before the net ever existed...the men were in academic environments where there is a lot of banter with colleagues and students back and forth going on...people are always talking to each other in class or out of class...one was pursuing a PHD in Psych...and the other was working at a school for the blind as an instructor...one girlfriend had been loosing her sight for years and felt she needed to learn Braille [think that is the spelling]; he taught a course in it part-time...in both cases they met the men out of their homes doing things in real life, back in the day when that was the only way to meet...
The other thing I wanted to add was, no matter whether we meet a person on the net or in real time, we still have to ask these questions: 1) do they want to know me as a person
or 2) do they just want to get something from me? That something can be anything from sex to just killing time as a chat buddy online cause they are lonely and surfing or it could mean a potential date. Those two questions are not my questions, they belong to my very wise best friend here in DC...
Remember what won't kill you will just make you a stronger person.
Hadley

"Remember what won't kill you will just make you a stronger person."

Been telling myself that my whole life. Hard to stay in that frame of mind all the time.

Well not much to do around here. I mean there is the casinos but I can't and wouldn't gamble. I'll go to a show every once in awhile and try to see every boxing match that rolls into town.

There is the mall, movies, or dinner. Which I can't get to on my own. Usually its my mom who drives me. I am getting my friends to drive my *** around as of late, so thats out. I don't like clubbing. I hate the music, people, and can't dance so blech. Now something fun to do is at Philly or NYC, but NYC is 3 hours away, and I'd need someone who can help me out.

Which is another problem. I'd love to go on a trip on my own, but to hell with my parents. Most people like me end up with them forever, but I am out of here ASAP. But there is a problem. Someone to tag along on a trip to help me.

As far as interests I don't photograph or paint, but if I had a decent video camera, I'd film. But thats about 10k at least.

I have always wanted to play a musical instrument, I like fully orchestrated music. But the lack of arm strength prevents me from doing so.

And no chess or anything.

Whats your little plan?

This is a weird feeling. I don't miss her so bad I want to call her. It feels like a distant memory. I'd bet I've spent the majority of my time talking to her this past year and a half, but now I feel like something is missing. It is as if I just got back from a long vacation and it feels like home is a strange place I have never been.

It seems like the majority of my life the past year never happened. It has been 2 weeks to this day, but I don't think I could tell the difference if it had been 2 years.

I still think about her, but I can't exactly describe what I am thinking. It is like I read about this happening to me.

Strange.

Raven, thanks for helping me. But I must say I have been getting better. I understood your posts and what you were trying to do. I know you are trying to empower me, but that is what everyone tries to do for me. I try and do that for me every single day. I never give up, but it is hard to stay in that frame of mind all the time. And one of the only things that keep me going is people like you, Raven, who want me to succeed.

Sometimes it feels like there is a hidden force that's sole purpose is to make sure things go wrong for me. And it means so much to mean to know that there are people rooting for me. I tell myself every day to not let it get to me, that I am so damn strong, that nothing will stop me from making it, from leaving my mark on the world.

I tell myself that I have been through worse, and it is only going to get harder, and I can make it, or die trying. Those are my options, and giving up is not one of them.

It might not have seemed like it at first but no words could have helped me then. That was the hardest moment of my life. Everything in my life fell apart at that moment. Not just emotionally, but my future was shaken to its core. Everything was planned. Living arrangements, school, job, life in general. Then it was just gone.

But now I can go back and see what you said and it helps, everyone has helped more now that I go back to what was said now. And you have helped more than you will ever know.

Your friend said that I shouldn't call her. Well I haven't talked to her in days, and don't plan to.

He said I am in my 20's and this is going to happen a lot more. Well I have to do everything in my power to not let it happen a whole lot more. I am working on a tighter schedule, and I don't have much time. It feels like my whole life is in fast forward and I can't afford to hit stop. I don't even know if I am going to survive my 20's. So I must do all I can to give myself time.

I will succeed, I will. I just hope with all of my being that it wont be alone. I pray I have will have someone to share this with. Someone to hold till my time is up. I just don't want to regret being alone. If I do it alone, I wouldn't have truly succeeded.

Listen to these ladies DH. You're a great person. You have so much to share with people, just by sharing yourself.
Life can be short and lived fully, and wildly experienced, or long, and totally wasted.
Do whatever it takes to not waste a minute.
Do get hold of Raven's friend. Like I've told you other places, do whatever it takes to go to college. Join everything you can, go everywhere you can. Live every minute you have completely.
And even the heartbreak you felt, is part of the LIVING. Not a great part, but if you hadn't felt it, you would have missed the loving part that came first. You had it, so the heartbreak wasn't wasted.
Get your family involved. Tell them you want to do as much as you can for as long as you can. I bet they'd love it.
Your choice, waste, or spend the time.
You know how to reach me too.

No worries about college, not going to college was NEVER an option. And I gotta get away from my mother, christ is she a stubborn something something, every time I need help with something I get *****ed at.

And they know I am getting out of this damn house.

DH

Please take this with the good intention with which it is given.

You put a lot of men I've known to shame.

I think you rock.

Gen

Aww, thanks ladies, I don't know what to say.

Man its been boring lately, the time I used to talk to her is replaced with nothing. Well whenever my friends aren't here that is.

Well, weeks later and I'm finally starting to get mad, and it feels so much better than before.

I've kinda had all of those.

In the order they occured:

Denial
Depression
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

I have accepted it, but I'm still mad she did this. And I'd rather be mad than depressed. At least I can get some energy and motivation out of anger.