Age-gaps REAL problems - what are they?

What are the problems that couples with an age gap face? Can you say that if you were the same age, that wouldn't have happened?

Aren't they consequence of wrong choices, different views on life, pure and simple incompatibility ?

Is there a real problem, almost specific to age gap relationships, or is it all in people's mind? http://www.smilies.org/basesmilies3/1057240693.gif

The fear, way more present in an age gap relationships, of the time you lose your partner. That was one of the biggies David had to work through, and one of the first things he brought up at counselling.
Its a reality, that at 28 years older than him, I'm, barring tragedy, going to die first. He is very aware of that. Discussing wills, and disability plans with an 18 year old is something wierd. I don't want to wind up having to have him change my diaper, he refuses to listen to me when I tell him to go with my blessing if that should happen.
He says that isn't his fear, his fear is that someday, he'll be alone. It was hard for him to come to grips with, and he cried, we cried, a lot, talking about it. We decided to enjoy our days, so when the time comes, we don't have regrets of wasted time.
I've done my best, to see to it that things will be taken care of. I'm only 48, but working in healthcare, I have a more realistic view of what can happen.
I don't know too many young same age couples who get together and discuss all that.
Now when my dad remarried at 63, the did, but it was about both, not just one. So I guess that makes it a solely agegap issue?

I think Bella's response here is SO on the mark. FEAR...is more pronounced in age-gap relationships. Fear of age itself....and all the things that go with it...healthcare, loss of 'youthful' worldly 'beauty', risk of the younger partner being 'left behind' for more years....the thought that the younger partner will still be young enough to remarry and the thoughts that go along with that for both partners....how to GIVE love as best we can today...knowing that the number of YEARS together are limited by the age-gap....again, barring any tragic events. Fear of the younger partner of 'losing' his early life dealing with the more 'mature' thoughts that accompany age-gap relationships....previous children, parenting often before the younger partner has fully reached his own 'adulthood', the lack of 'choice' that the younger partner has when it comes to children...he is often asked to "step-into" a life that is in full progress just as his adult life is beginning....the risk the older partner has in not receiving help, esp. in the beginning, from a younger partner who may not have experience dealing with childrens issues, household issues, etc....these are REAL concerns...I think that is why the age-gap relationships that can survive them are STRONG relationships....Bella should know...they ARE doing it...have been through MANY tough times...ones I am sure she hasn't even expressed...as many other couples here have done/are doing....those to me, are truly loving, beautiful relationships.

I was just getting ready to post after Bella, and Singalou pretty much said it all as well. I agree with them both, these are the biggies.

Our ages are 23/46, and we're going on four years...and he is probably the greatest love I will ever have, yet I still have that sad feeling in my heart, as if we are plagued by something.....it's that darn age gap. It hurts as if one of us had a fatal disease. We also have decided to just shut up and enjoy what we have for as long as we want to, or can. In my heart it feels tragic.

Yes, the fact that he is stepping into an adult life that is full blown, with all it's problems, I hate that. He is young, happy, full of promise, just starting out his life. And mine is kinda hectic and winding down. I HATE discussing health problems with him. He is always ready to take it all on...and is so grown up for his age. But still. I still feel he should be with someone his own age to spend his life with. I just can't get past it.

Also, I never felt "old" before. I felt that I looked great, and just never thought about it. Man, now it's in my every thought....I'm getting old!!!!!! I hate to have it on my mind all the time. And I have to really bite my tongue not to slip into "mama" mode, and give him advice and junk like I would my kids. gah.


But, just being with him is the best thing in my whole life. Just can't pass it by. Life IS too short.

Kye

i think these may be the two biggest problems...

1. Public image- people always mistaking your significant other for your mother or the stares.

2. Kids- since there IS an agegap in ow/ym relationships...there are ym who still want the opportunity to have and raise kids but many ow already ready have some and are starting to get past that stage in life. some women might be between 40-45 for example, and feel like they don't want anymore kids.


then again...i could be wrong.

Originally posted by kye
I was just getting ready to post after Bella, and Singalou pretty much said it all as well. I agree with them both, these are the biggies.

Our ages are 23/46, and we're going on four years...and he is probably the greatest love I will ever have, yet I still have that sad feeling in my heart, as if we are plagued by something.....it's that darn age gap. It hurts as if one of us had a fatal disease. We also have decided to just shut up and enjoy what we have for as long as we want to, or can. In my heart it feels tragic.

Yes, the fact that he is stepping into an adult life that is full blown, with all it's problems, I hate that. He is young, happy, full of promise, just starting out his life. And mine is kinda hectic and winding down. I HATE discussing health problems with him. He is always ready to take it all on...and is so grown up for his age. But still. I still feel he should be with someone his own age to spend his life with. I just can't get past it.

Also, I never felt "old" before. I felt that I looked great, and just never thought about it. Man, now it's in my every thought....I'm getting old!!!!!! I hate to have it on my mind all the time. And I have to really bite my tongue not to slip into "mama" mode, and give him advice and junk like I would my kids. gah.


But, just being with him is the best thing in my whole life. Just can't pass it by. Life IS too short.

Kye

Kye! I have said almost the exact same words to my YM. I can't not stand that little niggly feeling of "being plagued by something". Somedays it is stronger than others and the best days are the days I don't feel it at all. I keep wondering why we weren't born the same year or why couldn't we be closer in age. Why why why....I know I am a different person and perhaps I wouldn't have even appreciated him when I was his age. lol, for that matter, he probably wouldn't have even liked me as a brash, flighty 21 year old. Oh well....like you said "Life is too short" I hope I can quit wasting precious moments with my "why's" and "what if's" It was nice to read your post to know someone feels the same as I do. Oh yeah! That is why I keep coming here! Such validation and support! ((((HUGS))))

In my first big age gap relationship the problem was the mother and some friend. I never felt such hatred coming from someone like I felt from his mother.

I used to tell him, why does she hate me, I am not a w***e, I am kind to you, I am so much in love with you, I have always been a serious woman, I studied all my life, have a good profession, I don't explore anyone financially...what does she want more from a daughter-in-law?

I know some of you here have the same problem, being accepted by the family. I found out that when the man is willing to face everything because he's convinced the woman is the love of his life and that he can't just switch his feelings off and go search another one, the relation will be succesful, despite the family.
When the man somehow shares his family's opinion, because somewhere deep inside him, he would like you to be younger, it will never work. He will keep validating his family's opinion, less in the beginning, than more and more as time passes and he sees you are not getting younger.

It may sound stupid, but it seems that some men really hope time will stop for women, and for them too.

I believe that family is a problem when we allow it to be.

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Originally posted by MariaLux

I believe that family is a problem when we allow it to be.

http://pages.prodigy.net/bestsmileys1/emoticons1/040.gif

Yep. I wonder, is it all in the level of desire? :(

Hi Tru...glad to meet ya! It IS really nice to hear that other people have the same worries.

Manofmisteree...yes, children are a major concern. for me personally, i have four kids, three are adults, the youngest tho is 12. The oldest is one year older than Mike. There are no problems, they all like him, and he enjoys them all. They are all happy that I found someone that makes ME so happy, they've watched me go through enough misery, so they are thrilled. They aren't concerned with the age. My youngest likes him a lot. As for having kids WITH him....man. He would be an awesome dad, and I know that he would love to have kids someday when he's ready to. Kids of his own. And by the time he is ready for them, man, I will have one foot in the grave. Gah. We both love babies tho, and would welcome a baby at anytime. So, yeah, I could start all over if he wanted. It's just not as simple as it would be if we were BOTH in our early 20's. darn it.

I don't worry about people's comments. People that know me and care about me think Mike is awesome and wonderful for me. Everyone else...who cares what they think? Folks always need something to gossip about. If it's not me, then it's just something else. So what. My kids opinions are the only ones that matter to me.

I've personally never gotten "a look". You know what's funny tho....I go out with my 18 yr old son a lot, we go see movies, and go out to dinner and junk. I get the looks THEN. That makes me laugh....don't mom's go out with their sons? Good god. They look at me like he's my date!!!! When I'm out with Mike, I have never gotten a look or comment. He dresses nice, looks older. I think I'm fairly well-preserved. He's bigger than me. I don't know. I just have never had to deal with that. We had one lady in Boston I think....darn it, I can't think of her name right now, but you guys all know her...she hasn't posted in a while....but she married her YM and had a baby with him, and she would get snotty comments from women at the school and stuff when they'd go to parent's night and junk. Again, people just look for stuff to gossip about. They are ignorant and should be ignored.

Yes, it's still so sad tho. As happy as we are, it feels tragic to me. Like a tragic love story that is going to have a crummy ending. I wish I could just relax and be happy and enjoy it like I would if we were closer in age. But I just can't yet. And after four years, am I gonna? I don't know. I'll keep trying, and like I said, just keep enjoying it for as long as we want to/or can. I'm never gonna love like this again, and he has said the same. We are going to enjoy it, it's truly a gift. On "The Little Rascals", they were always wishing their dog was a monkey. They'd say Wish Cotton was a Monkey over and over to make it come true. Whenever I'm with Mike, I'm always sayin "Wish Cotton Was a Monkey...". Maybe "POOF", we'll both turn 35. Until then, we'll just deal.

Big age gaps....bitter sweet I think. Fate playing a mean game on us.....

Kye

I once thought about the "she will die before me, or we wont have a lot of time together" bit too. But I knew there are no guarantees in life.
Families may not like your partner no matter what age.
Some couples cant have kids no matter their age.
All these problems plaque all couples. The only problem I have noticed is I keep forgetting she aint as young as she looks. She is helping me do yard work or work on the house and I have to keep reminding myself "Hey, she's 65 years old. She shouldnt be doing that!" Sometimes I may get a little pissed because she dont feel like doing whatever, and I have to tell myself, "remember, she aint as young as you......LOL"
This is not a major problem, but its about the only one we have related to age gaps.

Kye, what a beautiful post. Four years with this younger man and you are still afraid...so it's true that the main problem in age-gap relationships is fear. Fear of what time will make of you two.

I know it's different from the fear we may have of getting apart from someone we love, but who is our age. Because time will make us older, but it will also make them older...

Why is it so much harder to believe that time and the changes it brings, won't destroy love in this kind of relationship more than in more conventional ones?

Cowboy, I love the way you adore your wife. You are such a gift for us in Ageless since you came! http://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage26/2.gif

For me the absence of that fear gave me more hope and worked out for me in the end.

Bella knows my story, and the age gap we faced was the same. But in my situation my life may be drastically cut short, and being with an older woman let me feel better that we would be going at around the same time. Don't really know what to do about it know.

True enough....that no one knows their fate. Any couple can have unexpected problems, an early death, or not be able to have children. I try to remember that.

I laughed while reading Cowboy's post....I have run into that kind of stuff. Mike sometimes wonders why I can't keep up. He forgets I'm not 23 too. It didn't even occur to him that I dyed my hair. I thought to bring it up the other day, and he was reflective for a moment. Then wondered if I could grow out a chunk of gray like the girl from the Xmen, Rogue. His friends all like me, and that's cool, but hanging with them? Man. I'm used to hanging with my kids that are in college and all their friends, but IM THE MAMA. I bake cookies, and tell them to behave. Doing a 360 and being a peer? LOL LOL!!!!! I get tired WAY before he does. We'll be up late playing Everquest on the computer, and I'm asleep with my face on the keyboard, and he's typing "babe....BABE....are you asleep again???!!!"

If I were 23....(if Cotton WAS a monkey....) and we married.....even if this wish did come true....it could be that we couldn't have children, and maybe one of us would accidently die early and leave the other alone. I accept that these things could happen anyway.

So, I smile and be happy.

Kye

Also, I never felt "old" before. I felt that I looked great, and just never thought about it. Man, now it's in my every thought....I'm getting old!!!!!!
Exactly Kye, every time someone suggests that I'm with a YM because of a need to feel young, I just snort. If I wanted to feel young, I'd be with someone older right?
He reminds me everytime he says something innocent, how un-innocent I am. When I compare his skin to mine, I can see it. When he helps me color my hair, and remarks that the gray hasn't stayed covered as long this time....
Craige, I know that its not at all the same as your situation, not even close, but it does feel somewhat like having a terminal illness, and knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
And sometimes I resent feeling like that, just because I'm my age.
Its not that I resent my age, I like being my age. I just resent the fact that time played such a screwy joke, giving me the love of my life, at two such different stages in our lives.
Cowboy, you give me such hope, I can't even tell you. A little corner of my mind is still braced at all times for the end to come, for him to wake up one day, and think, "what the hell am I doing with this old broad?" And it is a little chronic feeling of grief, all the time. But maybe that will make me, us, keep appreciating what we have, and not get jaded, or bored.
Endurance isn't our problem yet. His knees suck, I'm way more wired than him. I still have to push him to go have fun. My son calls David "sleep *****" if that doesn't get censored, because he NEEDS his sleep, and my son is more like me, he can go on short nights for quite a while if needed. Why do guys call each other names like that as a form of affection by the way?
Anyway, to me, that's been the main difference, the fear factor, and its why I'm always saying it isn't for everyone.
I sort of rambled here, hope it makes sense in some way.
PS, got censored I see. Its a form of young kitty cat! :D

Damned if I know.

Kye - it's so good to hear from you!

I've missed your funny, sweet voice on these boards .... a lot.

For me, the problems really come down to how everybody gets their needs met in the relationship when sometimes people are in very different phases of life.

It takes a lot of communicating, a lot of trust, some compromising, reciprocity and my favorite word, flexibility.

Hard work - all of it - but you do it happily when the other person is the right one for you.

We don't have any major issues with other people's comments or the children stuff - as we hang around with
somewhat unconventional people and we're far from the strangest couple most of them have ever seen - and he doesn't want kids and neither do I.

But sometimes I do feel that tragic edge that Kye talks about - a bit of sadness that we ALWAYS have to deal with this damned age difference and it makes things harder than they might otherwise be ... and may eventually rob of us of time together that I would like to have.

We joke frequently about shooting me up in a time-preserve capsule for about ten years or so :>

But now is all we've got and now he's what I want :>

Ah Desert Spring. How many times did I accidently call you Desert Storm!!! Lol! A mutual respect for your posts as well, thank you for the kind words. I like your posts because you can post just what I'm thinking, yet in a MUCH more eloquent form!

I like this:

"But now is all we've got and now he's what I want :>"

That sums it all up, doesn't it!! It all just boils down to that. :) Thanks, girl.

Kye