Advice...would be nice !

Hi. Just found this message board, and I have to say that I'm so impressed with the quality of the responses here (always start with a compliment !) that I thought I'd ask for some advice on my current situation.

To paraphrase things very quickly - at the start of this year, I initiated contact with a co-worker 14 years older than me. I was in a relationship (yes, I know, not good) with child (double un-good) but for me the relationship had never contained passion (and I'm not just talking s-e-x there) - we only stayed together when she got pregnant (and she was older too - all the main relationships in my life have been).

Anyway, realised very quickly that I had fallen - and hard - for co-worker (cw from now on to save my fingers), she had expressed no such feelings - purely platonic - try to withdraw from contact, it doesn't work, bam 4 months later I'm single (thankfully very amicably, with as little bad side-effects as possible on child, who I see daily). The cw and I did not start sexual affair until I was single, and I'm now really enjoying being on my own and being able to be honest about the situation. I feel that the cw is the best thing that has ever happened to me...but:

- she's in a very long-term relationship (no kids thank goodness);
- she will not make commitment statements of any kind (I am in love with her and have said so frequently);
- although I want her to be with me, and certainly don't want to play the field, I am enjoying my new-found single status in terms of my new house and my freedom. I also feel that relationship with child and certainly child's mother could suffer should cw move in with me;
- now I am single with own pad, we see a lot more of each other - and of course it's the old thing - the more you see, the more you want to see. However, I just feel the more this happens, the greater the risk to her relationship. I think she is not trying to rock the boat, but wants someone else to make the decision for her about what happens next - I don't think this "car crash" way of wanting the future to happen to you is the right way forward.

So, I feel:

- sad when I can't see her but unsure that I want her around 24/7;
- convinced utterly that we should be together (contradiction from the above - not necessarily) as she is the most compatible person intellectually, emotionally and physically that I have met and seems to have a good head on her shoulders - the sparks are wonderful and I adore her;
- worried that a "car crash" is about to happen, which I don't want;
- worried that the only thing wrong with her in my eyes is her ability to be duplicious with her partner, whereas I feel I've done the right thing by being honest and letting go of a passionless relationship;
- that if she was going to leave her relationship she should have some intermediary place of her own before moving to me - don't want the baggage of her old life brought into my new one; but feel that if I suggest this any chance of her making a move will decrease to roughly zero...

Suggestions please !?!

Many thanks - and I'm glad this noticeboard exists !

oh - final ps - although she is a co-worker, that's in location, not in actually working together as colleagues, and she is due to leave the office in three months time.

Hi, Brit_Boy, and welcome to Ageless (always greet first!),

If I calculated well, you've been going out with her since three months ago, when you got officially single. She has told you that this is not going to be more than an affair for her, and she's acting accordingly since the beginning, not having changed her mind.

Do you think she loves you? Because this is, for me, the first and most important question. If she's not going to leave her man, with whom she has no kids, so theoretically, no strong obligations, don't you think that either she loves him, or she doesn't love any of you?

What does your heart say?
What do you want from a relationship right now? You give me the impression you are kind of enjoying this newly found single life and as you say, you don't want to move in with her or nobody else for a while.

When I am in love, I can't wait to be around and together with the person I love. I would end my relationship with the other person, out of respect for him, and live this love completely.

So the first thing here is to find out what she feels for you, and what you really want from her.
http://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage14/10.gif

MariaLux

Thanks for your reply.

Our 'relationship' started 6 months ago - it was just the sexual that took longer. Since then, the 'usual' story of 100s of e-mails and texts and now lots of time together.

I think you are very perceptive - "she doesn't love any of you" - more likely to be the truth. However, she is realising now that she is starting to get involved and that a choice is going to have to be made - at the moment it's easy for us to spend time together, however that is dependent on us both having an easy ride at work and of course ignorance on behalf of her partner. I think this is basically the first time she has had a relationship like this - i.e. passion, wanting to be with someone, waking up thinking about that person - it's only in the words (or lack of) she has not stated commitment or anything like, but she basically chooses to see me as much as she can - as she's not single, it's not like I have the ability to decide when we meet :( I trust her implicitly, and have seen a big transformation in her - I know that if she described the feelings she says that she has for me to anyone else, they would say "it's love" - problem is, how many people can she talk to about this ? Given her circumstances, not many...

What I want out of this - well, I know that she is right for me in a way no-one else ever has been. Not the solution to my life, but a complement to it. However, I really need time on my own for a while to get used to all the changes that have happened and because, goddammit, I enjoy it which is something I never knew before now ! However, I hate being "the other woman". Not out of feelings of possessiveness (although there is some of that) I just hate knowing that I'm out of control - the axe can fall and affect my life at any time, and then what ? So, I don't like the status quo, but her moving in - no, not yet - and ideally, I think she should have a break between living with him and living with me. But I think if I suggest that now, it's not going to go down well at all and be seen as me backing off. Which I'm not.

Ultimately, I think I want her to start shaping her future in this without just drifting and seeing what happens. She is a smart, financially independent and eloquent woman. I think that we should sit down and really discuss what is going to happen in the future, without just taking each day as it comes, wonderful though each day is. I would even be willing to sit down with her partner and discuss it (!) - I just fear the uncontrollable incident occuring which I feel - given the amount of contact we have - is coming around the bend shortly...

this is just my opinion for what it's worth. Making big changes in your life is difficult, and many people fear making the wrong choice in life, so they just choose to 'do nothing' or adopt a 'we'll see how it goes and I'll decide later" attitude, out of fear of making the wrong choice. But it is a choice she will have to make and live with regardless. I would ask, if you were not in the picture at all, would she still consider leaving her long-term relationship? I think if someone leaves a relationship it should be because they dont want to be there anymore, not because of another person. I think she is just struggling with making such a life altering decision, leaving her comfort zone with someone she knows well, etc. You just should decide how long you are willing to give her to make that decision. But what I want to really say to you is this: the longer the situation goes on as is, the more damage is being done to the future relationship the two of you may have. It might not seem like it now, but this kind of wishy-washy attitude, if it continues, will chip away at the relationship you two might share. Maybe if you told her, that you were going to back off and allow her time to work through the feelings, and make her decision independent of you, and to call you when she has decided, that would be the catalyst she needs to either leave him, or decide to stay with him. Either way, your life can then proceed and you won't be sitting waiting for a train that may never come.

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I agree with you - one should really terminate a relationship because the relationship itself is wrong; not because of what one might have with someone else. In this situation, she was a catalyst to my deciding to move out of my own relationship, once I realised that I had been living without real love for far too long. However, I had the advantage of having known before what love was. She does not have this advantage, and so distrusts the emotional as a result. For this reason I'm prepared to be tolerant for a while as she comes to terms with the maelstrom going on inside her. She has realised that she can't carry on with her partner as things were - and also realises that it's extremely unlikely that things could change between them so that she has the relationship she wants. However, although this presents to an outsider an entirely logical conclusion for action, I think the consequences of what she wants to do are for her so far-reaching (to be fair, they are to anyone looking to end a long-term relationship) that it's more a case of being paralysed by fear rather than closing her eyes to the truth of her situation.

However, as you say, this state of affairs can only go on for so long before I begin to lose respect for her, although we're far from that point at this moment in time. Unfortunately, as co-workers, we have to see each other on a daily basis, and so although I've talked about withdrawing to give her space, I think that it's not a realistic option. I would have to say that over the past week the knowledge inside her (prompted by me) that the situation can't stay as it is has grown, and so she deserves some time to make what is after all probably the biggest decision of her life; but I will place an (unstated) limit on this period in my own mind. However the last thing I want to do is appear to force an ultimatum, as like you have said, the decision to end her relationship needs to be made independently of me.

It still doesn't answer the question though of what happens presuming that she does become 'free'. My real dilemma is - how do I keep what I want - which is a degree of independence and time on my own - without appearing at this crucial phase to be 'backing out' ? I do want us to be together (guess I want my cake and eat it) but also need some space to grow in - which I see as ultimately benefitting our relationship as much as me personally. How is that desire expressed practically - I don't know. It would seem expensive for us to have a place each when it would be likely that we'd be together virtually all the time, by mutual desire; but I would still want to preserve some time alone, I mean completely alone in the house, not just sitting in separate rooms, to give me the space I am rapidly getting used to in my lovely house.

I, too, think you both need to sit down and evaluate exactly where you sit with each other and where you want it to go.
For example, although she seems unready to terminate the long-term relationship she is in, in all reality the two of you seeing each other may have that end result. If the other man finds out, I would imagine that would terminate the relationship between the two of them. Apparently that is a risk she is willing to take? So, although she has not come out and actually made the decision to leave her long-term relationship, she obviously does not mind risking it, and that says a lot about where she sits.

Just as you said you enjoy your newly single status, it may be that if she does leave the relationship she is in, she will need some space and time too. So just because the relationship ends does not necessicarily mean anything will change between the two of you. The two relationships are two competely different entities, although they do affect each other in some ways.....but it is altogether possible that her leaving her relationship would not affect things between the two of you at all as far as committment, etc.

So, I would not worry too much about the "alone time" issue just yet. Take it a day at a time. When/if she does choose to leave her relationship, it does not mean she will automatically be moving in with you, etc. I guess I would say the important thing is that you discuss things together...In fact, I would tell her, when the time is right, exactly what you said here. Honesty, honesty, honesty. I would tell her that you absolutely don't want her to think you are backing out, and you care about her, but you also feel the need to have private time to yourself, which you are just beginning to know the value of and enjoy. Most of us women, especially with the ones with children, definitely understand the value of private time more than you would imagine!!!

Good luck to you....I wish you the best.

I agree. It is a lot of changes at once for her to leave that relationship and then bam move in with you immediately. I think it is a wise decision for you BOTH to have separate areas to which you can retreat, yet still have the freedom to see each other, call each other, etc. without that being dictated by the other relationship. I can fully understand this decision being hard for her, and her hesitation to do anything 'rash' at the moment, believe me. Just hang in there...As far as her reaction to your news that you dont want to live together right off the bat: Think of it this way, maybe if and when she leaves her current situation, the two of you are both now free, and you can sort of "start over" with nothing holding you back....call her whenever you want to say you love her, come and pick her up to go out, etc...she might appreciate your thinking if you romanticize it a bit.