Senstive People, Hear My Dilemna

hello everyone,
first of all i would like to take a chance to say how great this forum is and congratulate all of you for your efforts to keep this place going. ok here's my dilemna:
i am 22 years old and my OW friend is 32. i have known her for about a year now and she's probably my best friend ive ever had. and yes, we do make love, so were what you call "friend's with benefits" (which is perfect for some guys, right?). the problem is im not most guys, and while up to know ive doing been doing an ok job of bottling my feelings up, it is almost impossible now. when we first met, she wanted to date me and i wasnt ready, because i didnt want to hurt her. now it seems that the tables have turned, and im afraid she might not feel the same way about me. in addition to this problem, the fact that she is my best friend plays into this as well. i dont wanna lose her, AT ALL, even if she was just a friend. becoming her man could either make or break us.
im sure some of u can relate with this, i come from a dysfunctional family. my parents cheat on each other and act like nothing is going on, and then neglect me and the other children. that being said, me being an empty shell-of-a-person is the way of life in my family. so when i leave my OW friend to come back here, im literally in tears. i come back here and cry for at least an hour while i listen to love songs.
i guess my question is now, what should i do? i hope i can hear responses for all of you, id like to keep this thread around, so the more responses the better! :) thanks everyone

Well, it's time to "sing like a bird".


Don't hold back. You might lose her by NOT telling her.

I'm living it now myself. While nothing will come of a "relationship", (and I'm hurting right now), she is still my best friend. Hell, I've even TRIED to be mad at her and can't stay mad.

OOPS!!! This is your post. I'll let everybody talk to YOU!!!:D


Best wishes to you.

Jh435, what's up brutha and welcome to the board!!! :D

Hey man, I know how you feel, but I'm straight to the point here:

TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!

You'll never regret it. You will if you don't, thinking she could've been your lifelong partner.

Hey bro, I can help, but PM me and we'll talk. I could share a lot of vital info for you that I think would help ya'.


Stay strong http://www.extreme-athlete.com/forums/images/smilies/lift.gif

joe

There's no law that says the friendship has to dissolve even if the lady doesn't share the same feelings for you as you have for her.
im afraid she might not feel the same way about me
Is there any particular reason for you to think that she doesn't? Or is it just your fear?

I'm sure that there are women who can do the friends with benefits thing without any emotional involvement, but I certainly couldn't.

My closest friend, for the past 17 years, has been a male. Early in the relationship, we did try to have a more romantic involvement, including sex. That didn't work out (and wouldn't work, even today, for the same reasons) and the friendship did get a little strained at that point. Eventually he confessed that he was still in love with me, and wasn't going to be able to get beyond that while staying in contact with me, so I agreed to leave him alone. A few months later, he called me because of a family crisis, as he had no one else to turn to -- we've never lost touch since. That was 13 years ago, and the friendship is stronger than ever.

I guess the moral of the story is that the friendship doesn't have to end just because certain deeper feelings aren't reciprocated -- but the relationship does need to acknowledge and come to terms with the imbalance in order to endure.

Good luck!

Welcome to the board jh
Being on the other side, he was 21 me 37, I would have given everything for him to admit his true feelings.
You must communicate, tell her, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Let your friend know how you feel.
Please keep us updated.

I suspect the dysfunctional family situation is part of what's making you so afraid. It's hard to have faith that your feelings will be returned and that good things are possible if you don't see much evidence at hand.

The problem with showing your feelings (something I am generally major-league in favor of) is that you have to be prepared for them not to be returned. It happens sometimes and as much it may hurt, you can't disentegrate if that turns out to be the case.

Have you thought about maybe getting some short-term counseling to talk about how you're feeling and what you're afraid of, and to get some support for this process you're about to go through?

It's an idea ..... even if your feelings ARE returned, there will to some degree be a new kettle of fish to negotiate, and an objective observer who knows some of your history can be a really big help sometimes :>

Hi jh, and welcome to ageless.

I agree with the majority of posters who are telling you to let her know how you feel. If you tell her you want to date her and that you have romantic feelings for her, you have a 50/50 chance of her returning the feelings. If you dont tell her, seems the chances are about 0. Besides, if you dont tell her, how will you ever know? She may be feeling the same way and holding back just like you are. So, somebody has to come out of the closet here!! :p

Yep, you're right - alot of us around here can identify with the dysfunction in "dysfunctional"!! I wasnt brought up in a dysfunctional family, but my kids were. I was married to a real jerk who was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive. So needless to say, we learn to "not feel". But sounds like when you're with your girlfriend (hope its ok to call her that ;) ) you do allow yourself to feel and thats why its so hard to go home. I can understand how hard it is to turn your emotions off and on like that. When you're with her, the feelings are good. And there is nothing wrong with that - its how we're supposed to feel. Friends make us feel good, love makes us feel good and we need those things to survive. So again, I vote to tell her whats going on and how you feel about her. GOOD LUCK!!! And let us know!!!!

Southerngal

Sherry - - -

That was a perfect response and I agree with everything you said.

jh - - -

Welcome to the Board. If she is feeling the same way as you and holding back because she thinks you don't feel the same way, you two are wasting some precious moments that you can never go back and recapture. GO FOR IT. And tell her that if she doesn't feel the same way that you would like the friendship to continue status quo.

Good Luck.

thanks very much everyone,
things have been going great with me and my special lady. but were both seriously starting to wonder if it will work because she has kids and they are not accepting me very much. we get along and all, but their father (from what i hear) is some sort of drug dealer and he is trying to teach them to hate me. and i guess at the same time he is trying to glorify himself to them, even though he is the most horrible person i think ive ever heard of. he actually tried to kill this woman, while he was either on drugs or strung out on them. the mother of 2 of his children. she devoted 10 or more years of her life to him and their kids, and he just beat her and neglected her emotions. when i first found out this, it shattered my heart into a million pieces. then we found ourselves in each other's arms. if i do end up with her it would be wonderful, but if we dont i would be very sad. im sorry if my life sounds depressing but its kind of a nice twist. thanks 4 reading everyone i wish nothing but the best for you all.

wow - so much of your story sounds like ours. My ex was an absentee/drug addict husband and my y/m was there waiting in the wings - bringing a small amount of happiness to my otherwise horrible life. His family was hell and he hated being there, so we fell closer & closer together, wishing for a chance to really be together. Then one day my (ex)husband was arrested & went to jail (off & on for 2 years) - it was the chance we had not even hoped for - we stuck to each other hard and never looked back. It's been 3 years now and I love him so much (I'm now 42 and he's 20) but I'm not sure where our relationship is headed - he just got back from U.S. Army Basic training and is feeling like he wants to see what else there is in the world - I can't hold him back - he has so much to offer - I just want to be able to negotiate through this time so that we end up best of friends on the other side of it. He's said no matter what happens he hopes I am always in his life in some capacity and the same goes for me. So I'm glad I found this website - there is alot of encouragement and helpfulness - I now know I'm not the only one. Oh yeah - about the kids thing -it was a mess at first - they hated my y/m, but as time went on and they saw that we weren't parting ways, they finally just said whatever, as long as mama's happy and now it's no big deal. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You're making this more difficult than it is. Sit down and talk to her about it.

You said that you come from a dsyfunctional family that has pretty bad communication issues - it sounds like you know how destructive that can be. My experience has been that it's best to be upfront, calm, gentle and honest with your lover - it makes things easier for both of you, and can save you a LOT of worry in the long run.

Good luck!

- Jesse