age gap...whats too much??!

I am 35. My y.m. is 18. I am so ambivalent about this ENORMOUS age gap. Sometimes I think...he's an adult (okay yeah barely) and other times I am afraid I am robbing him of his youth. I just don't know. How big of an age gap is too big?

Gosh, I don't think there is a specific answer to that...It's more like how much of an age gap to too big for you???

I know of many couples here with a gap bigger than yours....and ummm...I am very good friends with a couple who has a 27-year gap.

I know your going through a lot of mixed feelings right now, and I know you will get a lot of good advice here.

Just know your not alone... *hugs*

Joannalee (who met her b/f at 33 when he was 18)

and by the way....

http://www.gifanimations.com/Image/Animations/Messages/Welcome/welcome_001.gif

thanks

...other times I am afraid I am robbing him of his youth."
--- Marcy

Hello, Marcy...

Here is a guy's perspective: There's no such thing as
robbing a young man of his youth.

He is a free, adult citizen, right?

At 18, I would've jumped at the chance to
sleep with an attractive 35-year-old woman on a
regular basis. :D

Like Joannalee said, the right gap is whatever you
are comfortable with.

However, a good hint for you is to watch out for how
your mate acts in social situations. Does he seem
awkward around his friends, or unwilling to
socialize with them and yourself at the same time?

That would be a tipoff for you, because it means HE
might have a problem with the age gap, but he is
hanging in there for fabulous sex.

Be careful. (That's a better way to put it.)

Marcy, this is almost the same gap as between my YM and me (well, he's 19) - actually, (and he's gonna kill me for this, lol), I even think he looks younger than that but then I thought his friends (who are a few years older) look younger still which just shows how bad I am in judging age ... :p

Still, it can get really intimidating at times, thinking "WHAT am I doing here", but I have just been having such brilliant time with my YM and he's the loveliest, dearest guy I could possibly imagine that all I can say is: if you don't try, you will never find out how good/happy it could be ... ;)

To be honest, though, I haven't had the feeling of "robbing his youth" at any stage yet, though, only been wondering if it won't be too difficult to either of us to face a less then approving environment ... - and of course wondering about the thing that Harrison mentioned (about OW becoming a "trophy" ).

So, I guess Harrison's warning is justified, but I guess there's always a risk that someone has a "hidden agenda" - talk to him and see how he acts and reacts, especially to situations that YOU are uncomfortable with ;) And if he really cares about YOU and not only himself in this matter, this is something he will make sure you don't feel like you have to worry about this in any way - but then my guy and I fell each other on the internet, so we sort of got to know and like each others personality and spirit before we ever met in person, so I know it's never been purely physical ;)

As it is still pretty "early" days between my YM and me, I cannot give any better advise ;)

Good luck in any case!

ok well...we have met online too and i am contemplating a RL meeting and RL relationship. Something i do want and he really wants...but i'm concerned about this age gap and its affect irl...

Welcome aboard Marcy!!! :D
http://www.extreme-athlete.com/forums/images/smilies/newbie.gif

Don't let the age gap run you off, stay around here and gain some knowledge. But don't think about the age gap too much and go with what you feel.


Let me know if I can help,


joe :cool:

To be honest, though, I haven't had the feeling of "robbing his youth" at any stage yet, though, only been wondering if it won't be too difficult to either of us to face a less then approving environment ... - and of course wondering about the thing that Harrison mentioned (about OW becoming a "trophy" ).
--- Carazy

Marcy & Carazy: Let me clarify just a tad...for me,
and for some guys, it's not so much about finding a
"trophy," as it is finding a sexual partner and a
cool friend, all in one.

That's sort of what I meant when I spoke about being
excited to sleep with a woman in her 30s. Even today
at the job, I have interesting conversations with women
who are in their 40s. They've had so many more life
experiences to speak of, and stories to tell, which is
always nice. That's the "icing on the cake" that you
don't get with the real young (20-something) ladies.

Hope that clears things up a bit. :)

... yeah, I guess they are scary coz they are not "supposed" to happen (if you take society standard as the norm).

All I can say was that I thought I was crazy just to even "contemplate" it, until I found this site here - it was my YM who insisted initially that age doesn't matter if you really care for each other, even before we found this site - but it surely has helped to read the stories here to see that it CAN work.

Check out Bella's stories, she and her guy met online, as did Desert Spring, if I remember correctly. There are quite a few others, too, who met online and have interesting - and encouraging! - stories to tell. Reading all these has really helped us a lot.

Personally, I am feeling "nothing ventured - nothing gained". So, my advise would be: Check out the relevant stories here (the good and the bad), talk to your YM and yes, go and meet irl - but try to make sure there are NO expectations or pressure on our meeting, it IS a major transition to move something from online to rl - I pretty much blew it, first time I met my darling YM irl, coz we were so perfect with each other online that I couldn't really handle the irl transition ... Fortunately for me, he is such a courageous and magnanimous (sp?) person, so we met a second time, for longer, and this time round it was really great ;)

It might not be easy, but if you really care for each other, I think you should at least try to see where it might lead ...


To Harrison: Sorry, maybe I didn't phrase my statement clearly enough, but I didn't in any way mean to imply you weren't fully interested in all aspects of OW/YM relationships ;) . I was just referring to your bit about warning about YM who MIGHT be only (or mainly) interested in an OW because of the "fabulous sex" ;) ; and that would count as "trophy hunting" to me, therefore my point. Sorry if I misinterpreted anything you said, but I thought you were warning of the same thing ;)

Okay, carazy. Yep, we are talking the same language there.

My misunderstanding, that's all. :)

In my personal experience as well as what I've seen here on this board the past 3 and 1/2 years, it seems that these relationships only work out of the ym is extremely mature for his age and has already experienced a lot before meeting the ow. This was the case with my ym and me. I was 36 and he was 20 when we met. He already had a child, a 3-year-old son, who he had 4 days a week. He worked a job, lived on his own, paid his bills, and had done the bar scene (even though he was underage). He was past the partying stage of his life, and just wanted someone he could settle down with and trust. When he saw me (we met at a local bar) he thought I was 25. I thought he was 30! Anyway, as you can guess, we didn't look "odd" together, we ended up getting along well with eachother's friends and family, and this month, we'll celebrate four years together (July 31st)! :) So I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, these relationships are possible, but it largely depends on the maturity and capability of commiting to a relationship on the ym's part, as well as the ow being secure enough to not be intimidated by her "competition", namely, fit younger women with no wrinkles or stretch marks! Another thing to consider is kids. If you have them, how will they react? I didn't introduce Robin to mine until we had been dating for months and had become exclusive. Even after we decided we wanted to live together, the kids were included in the decision and Robin was very laid back and slow to integrate himself, so as not to step on any toes.

How big is too big? I think when one or both parties feel uncomfortable around other people socially, or when you're out and you're being mistaken for "mom" or (God forbid) "grandma", to me, that's too big. Some people survive those circumstances, but I personally couldn't. It would make me very insecure and unhappy, and I'd have to break things off.

If you're a young-looking 35, and he's an older-looking 18, chances are, people won't even look twice. If you're one who doesn't care what people think, and he doesn't either, then more power to you! That's half the battle right there! :)

Hi there. I know where you're coming from, believe me.

My guy and I met playing UO. Fpr months we were just friends. I was divorcing my husband, and hiding in my computer. He was 17, and I was 45. Talk about crazy! The day he sprung on me that he wanted us to meet, and all that, I was very patronizing, telling him it was normal for him to fantasize, etc. He was very very determined. The night I was going to tell him I was cutting off all contact with him, his dog, who'd been sick off and on, died while we were talking. No way I could do it then, right? And then it was too late. We lived 1200 miles apart, I flew out to meet him, twice, he flew here, I flew there again, he came here, and stayed. That was 2 years ago this May. I'm 48, he's 20 in a few days, and I'm so happy I didn't throw all of it away because of myths.

I fail to see how I could have robbed him of his youth. It isn't like I forced him into polyester plaid just because he is with me. Actually, since that's back in style, not the greatest example, but you get my drift. He does have responsibilities, but that's his choice. And not unlike any other younger person who chooses to live in a mature relationship, regardless of the ages involved. He's never been the partying type, he hates booze and smoking. He loves the Renaissance, animals, gardens. My son tells me I finally found the hippie I should have had in the beginning. We dress up in costumes, and go to Renaissance faires. He collects swords, and dragons. We had a bumpy spot last fall, went to counselling for a few months. One of the issues he worked through was accepting the fact that he isn't like his peers, and being ok with that. And I think most of the younger guys with older women are a lot like that. They just aren't the jocky party boys that so many of the guys their age are, and they just don't identify with girls their age either. One of the funniest things he ever said was in a pizza place one time, asking me if the girl who refilled our glasses was the same waitress we'd had all along. When I asked if he couldn't tell, he said "how you supposed to, when they all look exactly alike" And here I'd been thinking how cute she was, and feeling a vague sense of guilt that I didn't look like that.

Everyone wanna say it with me? It isn't for everyone. It takes a tough hide, lots of tears, lots of fear. You have to be able to put up with some people disapproving. You have to be stubborn, and you have to really really want it. Both of you. And you have to be able to let them grow, and stretch, and learn, and not mother too much. And number one, you have to respect yourself enough to not allow him to treat you differently than he'd treat any other woman his age or whatever age, just because of the difference. If you allow that, it can kill you. Seen that too much here.

If you have all that, It can be a wonderful thing.

Oh yeah, and we do get mistaken for mother and son. Happens a lot. People just naturally assume. It'd be pretty silly to get upset about it, since I have three kids older than him. But we've never ever gotten a hostile reaction from a stranger once they realize we're not. A couple of times I've even gotten a whispered, "I've got one too, isn't it great?"
That's where the tough hide part comes in.
We hold hands in public, he walks with his arm around me. We kiss. And mostly people are just too darn busy worrying about themselves to even notice. Even though I do look somewhat younger than late forties, and he usually gets guessed mid-twenties, ain't no way we're ever going to look the same age, so you either live with it, or live without it. We live with it.
When people know us, they quickly forget it. As my sister put it, we're a pretty boring couple.

My boyfriend and I have a 23-year age gap--I am 57 and he is 34. We met online and have now been together for 2 years. Since we were both mature and had a lot of past relationship experience when we met, our gap hasn't had a lot of impact. I understand your trepidation about dating a man without much experience, but a successful relationship with you would depend on his level of maturity and his ability to make his own decisions. Tall Guy met his Lady when he was quite young and they have a wonderful, mutually respectful relationship. I don't think that you can rob him of anything if he chooses to be with you. As long as your intention is loving and unselfish and you treat each other respectfully, then go for it.

Marcy....its not the age gap the issue here.
the stage where you both are at the moment in your lives is what it matters.
i know many couples that have a bigger age gap than yours and doing well thank you very much.
but the stage of life he is at the moment is really what it bothers me here.....for sure he will enjoy being with you, you are the best sex of his life...if thats what you want, go ahead and enjoy his company too. but if what you want is a serious and committed relationship, well.... put on your seatbelt honey....you sure are going for a wild and turbulent ride.!!
All the best
Adri

:p Well there you go you heard it from one of the most respected here, *the amazing ms Bella..*.........

I loved both of your responses! I'm 34 and right now am interested in a woman whom I guess to be about 25 years older than myself. I met her quite recently and we haven't had any kind of heart to heart, so I don't know what the possibilities are.

For any OW, don't even THINK that you'd be robbing the YM of his youth by entering into a relationship with him. The only way larceny would come in would be if you held back, thinking that you would be taking his youth. Then, you would be robbing him of all the mysteries and wonders and possibilities of the relationship!

I'm 50 and my husband just turned 24. We've been together for almost 3 years. We are still like newlyweds every single day. We love each other more and more each day.

We had problems in the very beginning of our relationship, because I had expected him to be more mature than he was - I had forgotten what I was like at 21 myself!

Now, my kids, my mom and I all think that he's kind of like an old man, lol. He definately acts like the older one in our relationship. It's kind of funny.

My husband is a real homebody. He wanted to be married, settled down and be a father. He wanted to have his own children very much, but he told me that he wouldn't trade me for a younger woman who could still have children with him. He said he wouldn't trade me for anyone in the world. He is a wonderful father figure to the three children I still have at home.

Strangers never seem to look at us strangely when we are together, and we always have our arms around each other or are holding hands (that is, *when* I can talk him into going somewhere!)

We met online, too. At first, when we first were together, we were walking on the beach one day and we were petrified of people seeing us hold hands or anything like that. We thought that everyone would stare at us! It is so funny to me when I think about it now!!

Ummmm.... No, for the record, we didn't meet online. We met IRL, and were friends for a few months before the romance happened.

BUT, our age gap was 35 and 19, so I hear you on those issues. I wasn't particularly freaked out by the age difference, but I was very freaked out by his relative youth - and had many of the same concerns about stealing his youth and screwing up his life.

So here's what I've figured out after four years together, 3 living together and one, soon to be two, cross-country moves together.

You're not screwing up anybody's life by loving them. Love is wonderful. It's good for people - at any age. It's a gift to love someone fully who returns that love. There is nothing more elementally good in nature.

But if you choose to love someone so young, then you have to be really cognizant about what their needs are, and how they're different than your needs at 35. And you can't make them live your 35 year old life at 18 or 19 or 20, because it's just not fair. So if you're going to share a life, it's going to be a mutual life, where there will be compromises and there will be adjustments.

You will have to be flexible. You will have to consider some things you might not have considered. You will have to give them space to be young, space to explore, space to make mistakes and space to have adventures (not sexual adventures, just life adventures). You have to allow them to have within the relationship a sense of possibility about their future, not a sense of restriction.

And you have to do that not knowing for sure if they'll be able to hack it ten or twenty years down the line.

It's a risk. It takes courage. It takes willingness to be alone later on if that's what happens. And it takes a mutual commitment from the two of you to try to make it work through all the changes of young adulthood and midlife changes.

It's not for sissies.

So I can't tell you if it's worth it or not. That's for you to decide.

But we're doing fine - so far - so sure, it's possible if you both want it bad enough :>

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied here and gave encouragement. I am Marcy's ym that she spoke of, and after reading this thread and many others im sure I am not alone in feeling more comfortable and excited about our relationship. Especially to Bella and Carazy who have very similar stories to ours, they are very promising stories.

I met my boyfriend online, and we were together for almost 3 years. He is 21 and I am 35. But I can tell you that I felt much like you, that I was robbing him of something, that he would come to regret the choice to be with me, on and on. I had so much insecurity and doubt about all of that. It caused me to be very unsure, and afraid of the relationship, which led me to do things that sabatoged it basically. By the time I did decide that I didn't care anymore, that I loved him and my mind was made up, and I was blissfully happy being with him forever, it was too late. Because everything I had done out of being unsure or afraid basically hurt the relationship too much. And it was directly attributed to my 'dragging my feet" or changing my mind, not being able to make a firm decision/committment to him until it was too late. I hope that you don't make the same mistake, so my advise to you would be to do what makes you happy and follow your heart, and not dwell on those thoughts. Because every day you spend in doubt is another "chip away" at the future you two might have. Your YM is perfectly capable of deciding what he wants or doesnt want. Trust me.

Sailaway, I'm so sorry. :( That's so awful that it didn't work out because of your insecurities. I think that is excellent advice you just gave, though.

I really appreciate all of the replies to my post. They have definately helped me feel more confident about our choice to pursue our relationship. It is really encouraging to hear from so many people doing this successfully.

Originally posted by sailaway
Your YM is perfectly capable of deciding what he wants or doesnt want. Trust me.

Just wanted to bring this out extra clearly. This is exactly how I feel!

HI

My YM is 22 I am 53. Today he left after spending a month with me. I thought it would be fun and he would get me out of his system and I ( what did I want) But after a month together I am thinking of the possiblities of making it something more than what I wanted at first. I thought 31 years was way to many years to have between us. Boy was I wrong, no, he doesnt have the life experience I do, but he is way more mature than I thought. I have a hard time with how I look with him, like Bella I know that I am never going to look close to his age, but neither do I look my own age. I am definately not going to be a "normal" woman, after all my just divorced husband was 14 almost 15 years younger. We spent 20 years together. While Trond ( my love's name) and I spent this month together I never thought of this being more than this month. That is until a few days ago, then I asked myself why not? Now I am lost and dont know what to do. But dont think of numbers think of how U are together, as Trond says age is a number love is real.