I've been gone awhile (update)

Hi, I have not been here in awhile and I thought I would check back in and see what has been going on and fill everyone in on what I have been doing. First for those who may not remember me or are new here I will reintroduce myself. I am 34 and I am married to a wonderful 22 year old man. We will be married for 3 years on Sept. 22. My family is accepting of our marriage but my hubby's family, well his mother and father will still not accept us. His mother and father still say they are waiting for him to apologize for marrying me. We have a beautiful daughter who was 2 in May. I am happy to say that I am pregnant now with a little boy who is due in Oct. I am a stay at home mom and my hubby is in the Army (special forces) he is gone right now but we have been assured that he will be brought home for the new baby's birth. We have been trying so hard to reach out to his family and make them a part of us but no matter what his mother has an excuse why we can't work things out all of which is my husbands fault, so we have just given up. We have a wonderful life and a wonderful family together and they are the ones who will be sorry because they are missing out on so much.

Welcome back DK and congratulations on your pregnancy. You both have a family now, and well, some people will never learn that we can't control other's lives, and it seems your in-laws have no respect for their son's decision.
It's shocking to see that even with a family growing up for you two, they won't see the truth, that you are both happy and stable. In my opinion you're better off without them, don't even try to bring them to your life, I am afraid something would be destroyed.
Can't they even think about their grandchildren?

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The grandchildren is why I have tried so very hard to build some kind of relationship with them. They say nothing melts the heart like a gradchild will, well in this case they don't seem to care. My mother in law came to visit when our daughter was born and then we went to visit them before my hubby was deployed. I thought we were getting somewhere however after that we were dropped. My daughter got nothing for xmas or her b-day not even a card. What is sad is this is their first Grandchild. (granddaughter and now they will have a grandson as well) I agree that we are better off without them however I know that it hurts my husband terribly. He was very close to his family until he made the choice to marry me and in a way I feel that it is my fault that they have drifted apart. My hubby has never blamed me and tells me that marrying me was the best thing he ever did and that his family should see that. He also says that I am his family now and he has never been happier.

you've tried long enough,you and your husband should just be concerned about your own family now,you are a family,even without his,they will never accept you and just think, if they ever did act like they did....would it be real...probably not.the grandkids don't need grandparent's like that.as I have said like 100 times,all families WILL NOT accept it,it would be great if we were all the "Waltons",but we're not.If it hurt's you,just try not to think about them anymore.you've been together over 3 years,that's long enough if they ever were going to accept you.I speak from experience.we ended ALL contact with my husband's family because of stuff like this,he has a hateful mother,I tried for a year and that was it for me.If someone tell's you family will always "come around",it's just not true,because all people are NOT ALIKE.good luck and remember,you are a family now,that's all you need,and you have as much right to your happiness as they do to their misery.

just one more thing.....



He was very close to his family until he made the choice to marry me and in a way I feel that it is my fault that they have drifted apart. My hubby has never blamed me and tells me that marrying me was the best thing he ever did and that his family should see that. He also says that I am his family now and he has never been happier.



see,HE made the choice to marry you.It was HIS choice,and he loved YOU enough to marry you,he know's it's not your "fault",he see's how lucky he is to have you,he doesn't blame you and he know's who is family is now.....you are really a VERY lucky woman as you can see when you read your own words.

as I said,I speak from experience on this subject and we had to make choices too and we have NO regret's.

I remember you, DK. I'm so sorry his family is so difficult to connect with. I say, don't stop trying, especially for your childrens' sakes. You might not know this now, but you'll need them some day, or at least your children will. Besides, children get such joy out of learning about their roots from their grandparents.

I'm not trying to pry here, but I can't imagine why his parents would be so opposed just because of an age gap. Was he married to someone else when he met you? Was he in some kind of college program or something that he had to give up? I just can't imagine parents not accepting someone just because of age, even after 3 years of marriage and two grandkids.

I think there's hope, especially since you have met with them a couple of times since the first child was born. I think you should leave the door open. Maybe you should write them a letter about how much you love their son and how happy you two are. How you would never, ever hurt him or cheat on him, and how making him happy is priority in your life, as well as being a good mother. Ask them specifically why they are so disapproving. Families just want to see a family member happy. They love that person, they care about that person, and they just want to make sure that person is going to live a life of fulfilled dreams, and not live one of despair and hopelessness (which a bad mate can bring).

Treat your in-laws with the utmost respect. Send them cards and pics of the grandkids, even if they don't acknowledge them. Whatever you do, don't close that door, for your husband's as well as your childrens' sakes. It's true that you are his family now, but those two people, his parents, gave him life and raised him. They deserve some respect and consideration. It could just be that they don't know your intentions, never have, and just need to be reassured over and over until they finally get it! :)

dk......don't buy into ANY guilt trip...people do have parents that are disturbed.just because someone becomes a mother or a father does not mean they don't have serious "issue's"...just being a parent does not make anyone flawless,if that were the case,I guess there wouldn't be parent's that kill their own children....where is their love for "their children"....so don't let it drive you crazy and if you have parent's still ,your kid's will have grandparent's.mean people don't change,they just get meaner with time.you'll be happier without these people in your life,and like I said,if they ever do act like they are "ok" with it,will it be REAL??????

Darling, I remember you, My advice is to not bend over backwards to be overly nice to these people.
Live your own life, be happy, don't worry about them this is THEIR problem not yours.
Maybe after a few years they will come around, maybe not, but don't worry about it too much.....
Sometimes people try TOO HARD TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE THEM, just don't go there, be yourself, if they don't come around they are not worth it.....
It sounds like you have a very wonderful family!
Happiness to you!

I agree with you DK; it's critical for you to realize for your children's sake that the family you and your husband have createed is paramount to any outside perception of the relationship by their grandparents.

It would be nice to have them on your side, but you don't and it's much better for you to limit your contact with them.

Once you have created children, the legitimacy of the relationship shouldn't ever be questioned, and it's shameful that they continue to do this. The beauty of the children are the fruits of thte beauty of the relationship and you shouldn't let their opinions color your self-perception of your relationship with your husband.

Polly,
When I met my hubby he was 19 he has never been married before ( I have it lasted 12 1/2 years) I also have a 13 year old daughter ( strange thing is his mother treats her more like a grandchild than our 2 year old, sends her gifts and cards). My hubby is in the Army his mother was against that as well. I have written her letters and told her how I feel about him. I send pics of the kids and I have tried to include her. When my hubby was stationed in Korea for a year this woman emailed me and implied that our marriage would not last and that I just thought I loved him . I got all kinds of nasty emails and phone calls from her. What was bad is she tried to make my husband think that I was the one being mean to her. However I was smart enough to send him copies of all her emails to me so that he was aware of what was going on so she got caught in her own lies. She has told her son she will never accept our marriage and that is fine with us. We have tried everything we know to try and sometimes you just have to call it quits and move on and stop dwelling on the bad stuff. The final straw came when she called my hubby's cell phone (she will not call our house) her message on his voice mail said " this is your mother if you can take the time to listen to what I have to say give me a call," well he did not get the message for a couple of days because it was the weekend and the cell phone was off and on charge. He called when he got the message and she said she did not have time to speak to him and hung up. It was right after that he was deployed. I am leaving the door open for her to change her ways and want to make amends however I will not beg her to be a part of our lives and if she ever does try to have a relationship with us I have to admit I will be on guard after everything she has pulled.

Okay, DK, thanks for clarifying. Yeah, his mom sounds disturbed. I wonder why she insists you aren't really in love with him or why your marriage won't last?

Has your husband said anything about her being disturbed or having mental problems? Was she abusive to him? Was she abusive to his father? I'm only asking because if you're dealing with an emotionally unstable woman, yeah, the future looks bleak. I was commenting from the standpoint of her and his father being stable people. However, if your husband has never mentioned her being any of the above, why would she act that way now? I mean, if she was good to him his whole life, and good to any of the other girlfriends he had, why would she suddenly become "Norman Bates' mother"?

It's apparent that some people on this thread don't share my opinion of the importance of family, but what they don't realize is when kids are involved, those people are A PART OF those kids! To speak badly of them or ostracize them is, in a child's eyes, to criticize a part of that child! That's how children feel. If you don't believe it, read up on it. It doesn't matter if they finally accept you and it's somewhat fake. It still offers the kids an opportunity to be a part of their grandparents' lives and feel the sense of "belonging", as well as a comfort to your husband (again, if his mother is mentally or emotionally unstable, this does not apply!).

It is my opinion that a ym's family, especially the parents, should be respected (unless they are mentally unstable and abusive). Just because they don't like or approve of a ym's choice of spouse doesn't mean they should be cast aside. They have real concerns. They want to see their child happy. Even if the child lives to be 70, it will still be their child, and they want to see him happy.

So, in conclusion, I would do everything possible, DK (especially since they treat your daughter so well) to keep the door open and let time take its course. His mother just might have a control issue, which can be easily remedied by things like including her in decorating the baby's room (even if you HATE her ideas) and inviting them over for a grill out. Maybe she just feels she's losing her son. Maybe if he put an effort towards showing her some attention, she'd see you as less of a threat. I know it must be hard with him in the service (God bless our military) but maybe a friendly, heart-felt e-mail from him to her once a week would ease tensions a bit?

Originally posted by Polly
...It is my opinion that a ym's family, especially the parents, should be respected (unless they are mentally unstable and abusive). Just because they don't like or approve of a ym's choice of spouse doesn't mean they should be cast aside. They have real concerns. They want to see their child happy. Even if the child lives to be 70, it will still be their child, and they want to see him happy.

... His mother just might have a control issue, which can be easily remedied by things like including her in decorating the baby's room (even if you HATE her ideas) and inviting them over for a grill out. ...

Polly, you obviously have pretty high standards on family importance and I respect that, however, there are LOADS of parents/relatives with serious control issues around - and these issues can be so unhealthy that by just keeping in touch with them, you might actually teach your children more to bow to unhealthy relationships then by cutting them out.

And if they are severe control issues (which is a possibility in this case here), then you CANNOT easily resolve it by partial inclusion - the point of pathological control freaks it that they will not let go in other parts too, they will become manipulative, and there is no way a kid especially at young age will figure that out. So, I would also advise to stay civil with them, don't talk negative about them, BUT make it clear to them and the kids (when they are old enough to understand ;) ), that it is the YM parents' CHOICE to not honor and support the relationship.

Controlling people ARE manipulators, so it's crucial to always identify and point out who is actually CHOOSING to do what ... and in all honesty, in general, you are going to find that life is definitely happier, easier and more tensionfree if they are not around; and if they are around, teach your children how not to get sucked into their manipulations ... ;)

Well, that's my 0.02 Euro on this ;)

/edit: Forgot to add on the "parents always want their kid's happiness" argument: if they got serious control issues, they want what they THINK makes their son happy, not what really MAKES him happy - and this differ significantly, as controlling people inmplicitly deny/ignore the capabilities of others to be able to make "right" choices (i.e. which would be the choices that they (the controlling person) would make .... ;) ).

And again, on a more philosophical note: I agree that ALL people deserve "respect" for being human treatment and should be treated as such, i.e. with honesty, decency and in a civil manner. (and parents are "all people" too ;) ). However, personally speaking, I think every additional respect on top of this has to be "earned" ... - Parents earn this respect for having done the best in their ability (which might differ a lot) to bring up their KIDS, as good as they got. Deserving respect for that "deed" is to me not the same as for them as a "person", i.e. as putting them on a pedestal and having to put up with any "nonsense" by them later on, just because they are "parents" .. ;) I suppose this is not in line with what a lot of the American Christian values would say (just my interpretation, I might be wrong though), but that would just show that most things in life are relative ... ;)

I don't think anyone here has minimized the importance of family in one's life, or in a child's life. I think it's exactly the contrary. Family is so important that sometimes we'd better keep it away, because the consequences of their presence are too important. And yes, this woman is quite dangerous, and whatever wish you had for a kind grandmother to your children, I think you should give up on it. Badmouthing this woman is horrible, and I am sure you won't do it to your children, but keeping them safe from her is, in my opinion, the best thing to do.

A child is happier when she lives with love and tolerance. Respect. Everybody agrees that certain marriages are poisoning for the children born in it, and that a child may benefit from divorce if the option is seeing fights every day.

We can all accept the sad truth that a single parent may be better than two parents that insult, beat, and hate each other. Why not accept the simple truth that some family members are better kept far...this woman, she tried to separate you two not even worrying about the child that existed already. What a grandmother!

Some people really don't care about their grandchildren. Try to force the children on these people and they will be mean.

There's a limit to every human effort, especially on the emotional level. We have to accept that some people don't know how to love. Worse than that, they don't know how to, and they are not willing to. Leave them alone.

Your little family doesn't need human misery being shown to them. Protect your children from mean people. Mean people have families, too. Sometimes they are family.

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[Carazy]there are LOADS of parents/relatives with serious control issues around - and these issues can be so unhealthy that by just keeping in touch with them, you might actually teach your children more to bow to unhealthy relationships then by cutting them out.[/QUOTE]

VERY well said!


Controlling people ARE manipulators


AMEN


[Carazy]"parents always want their kid's happiness" argument: if they got serious control issues, they want what they THINK makes their son happy, not what really MAKES him happy - and this differ significantly, as controlling people inmplicitly deny/ignore the capabilities of others to be able to make "right" choices (i.e. which would be the choices that they (the controlling person) would make .... ).[/QUOTE]


you make sooooo much sense here Carazy...


[MariaLux]Family is so important that sometimes we'd better keep it away, because the consequences of their presence are too important. And yes, this woman is quite dangerous, and whatever wish you had for a kind grandmother to your children, I think you should give up on it. [/QUOTE]

very true Maria.


Why not accept the simple truth that some family members are better kept far...

that's what you have to do sometime,unless of course you want another person to be in control of your life and make you misserable with their control issues....

We have to accept that some people don't know how to love. Worse than that, they don't know how to, and they are not willing to. Leave them alone.



Your little family doesn't need human misery being shown to them. Protect your children from mean people. Mean people have families, too. Sometimes they are family.


you guy's put that so well...that 's how life is sometimes...to bad this isn't a perfect world and everyone got along:(

...but it isn't and they don't and sometimes you just have to distance yourself from"toxic" people,or they will drag you down with them....

I honestly believe that this a control issue for my hubby's mother. First of all my hubby was 19 when we met, in a dance club (bar), his mother thinks that dancing and being in a bar are both wrong. Even if we were just country line dancing neither of us drink at all. My hubby never really dated much he played football in high school and he had a job as well,so he claimed no time . He joined the Army when he was a junior in high school so when he graduated the following year there was no summer vacation it was straight to basic training. He is VERY mature for his age, in high school he was taking advanced college courses. His mother was the only woman in their house. She had two sons and a husband who doted on her and if she did not get her way she cried and told them they did not love her enough. She is one of those that if she hears about an illness she has it and rushes off to the Dr. So her being mental is possible. Tis woman seems to have a problem and I feel sorry for her. However she did accuse me of being the older woman who took advantage of her young son when he was away from home. I don't really know what it was like for my husband growing up all he has really said is his mother was never home she was always at work, his father was never home either, it was up to him to take are of his younger brother and take care of the home. I know his parents fought alot but I know that my husband respects both his parents no matter what they do. My husband told me that all he ever wanted was to meet someone who would love him and that he could love and to start a family. At age 19 his actions and thoughts were that of someone in their 30's. I know his parents marriage has not been a good one from the beginning , so maybe she is jealous of the life we have built. We never fight , we can never spend enough time together, we go shopping together, we still go out dancing and we cannot keep our hands off each other. It seems that as time goes by our marriage and our love just get stronger and deeper and everyone we are around notices it. All of my friends are envious and say that my hubby is rare and that I am lucky and I have to agree that I am the luckiest woman alive. So whether his mother comes around and wants to be a part of our lives is up to her, right now our life is full of happiness and love and we don't have time to dwell on her problem and after all it is HER problem. This woman seems to be fine with his brother and his girlfriend of a year, in fact she acts like the girl is already a part of the family. So I guess her real problem is me.

So I guess her real problem is me. NO... her real problem is with HER. She can probably manipulate the brothers girlfriend and that's why she is ok. Plus for a lot of clingy mothers, girlfriends are fine... it is once they become wives that they don't like them.
I say just detach from her. Don't waste your time trying to figure her out. Have an open door for holiday dinners etc. but other than that... live your life with your wonderful children and hubby.
I wish you the best! :)

OMG DK,we have the same mother in law:eek: this a control issue for my hubby's mother. yep



neither of us drink at all. My hubby never really dated much ..same here
His mother was the only woman in their house.
if she did not get her way she cried and told them they did not love her enough. She is one of those that if she hears about an illness she has it and rushes off to the Dr. So her being mental is possible. been there with the M in L:(

his parents fought alot I wonder why???his parents marriage has not been a good one from the beginning , so maybe she is jealous of the life we have built. ........real good chance of thatwe can never spend enough time together, we go shopping together,
and that will just make her dislike you even more,because she can't understand it and HATES to see someone really happy:(

All of my friends are envious and say that my hubby is rare and that I am lucky and I have to agree that I am the luckiest woman alive. misery loves company.this woman will not change,

and as Yellow rose said:NO... her real problem is with HER I say just detach from her. Don't waste your time trying to figure her out. GREAT advice YellowRose....anyone who has lived with a person like this in their life knows how bad it can get,and the more YOU let the person disrupt your life,the more they will.

I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words it helps alot. Whats funny is out of the blue I got an email from my mother in law a little while ago. ( this woman has not contacted me or talked to me in a year )I can only figure it is because my hubby was deployed last week and would not tell her where he was going or when he would be back when he called her the night before he left. She asked him if she could contact me to get info and he told her no , that I would not know either and I would not need to be upset by her since I already have complications with my pregnancy. Funny after he told her not to contact me she wasted no time, only 3 days to make contact . I have chosen not to answer her email. Is that wrong of me? In her email she made reference to me hating her and I am afraid she will only use contact with me now to make trouble. It is just like last time my hubby was gone she tried her best to cause a rift between he and I and I won't let it happen again.

She asked him if she could contact me to get info and he told her no , that I would not know either and I would not need to be upset by her since I already have complications with my pregnancy. Funny after he told her not to contact me she wasted no time, only 3 days to make contact . I have chosen not to answer her email. Is that wrong of me? In her email she made reference to me hating her and I am afraid she will only use contact with me now to make trouble. It is just like last time my hubby was gone she tried her best to cause a rift between he and I and I won't let it happen again.



Do not contact her.you don't need to get upset at this time,you already said you have had complications in your pregnancy,you don't need that kind of stress.think of yourself here,remember ,NO GUILT TRIPS from anyone.

and funny she only waited 3 days after being told NOT TO contact you,to go at you with emails and the insinuations about you "hating" her.this is a vial, dangerous woman,who knows just what she is doing.she's already tried this once before you stated,don't let her do it again...IGNORE her.

and as I've said,unless someone has been through this kind of crap,they don't have a CLUE what it's like...so to think everything can turn out sweet and nice is just a fantasy,
and if you stress out and loose a child because of it,I guess you will see that it will be too late to realize some people are just plain EVIL.good luck.

Well, DK's, I'm sorry. I seem to have given the wrong advice here (although everyone has chosen to ignore the fact that I said earlier "This post does not apply if she's mental or unstable.") I've never dealt with someone like your mother-in-law. I had a mother-in-law who was very attached to her sons, and wanted to remain very much in their lives. She was a little controlling, but not that bad. When she felt she was being excluded, she would feel hurt and lash out. She wasn't very mature emotionally, so I had to be the grown up and figure out how to deal with her. In my case, it was the right thing to do. My kids love her even if I don't. They get to be a part of that family, and that family loves them. I did the right thing. She does do and say things sometimes that could be construed as manipulative, but I simply tell my children that she doesn't know better, and the best they can do is remember who they are, where they come from, and be PROUD of themselves, because I sure am! :) Anyway, they don't see her that much, maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but it's enough for them to feel a sense of "belonging" in that family and get to see their Aunts, Uncles and Cousins also.

So truthfully, I don't know if I'd answer that e-mail or not, if I were you. If I did answer it, I'd say, "Hi Mom (or whatever you call her). It is nice to hear from you. I wish you wouldn't say things like I hate you, because you know that I don't. It hurts me when you say things like that. I wish I could tell you where hubby is, but I honestly don't know. I hope he's alright, and I pray for his safe return. I miss him terribly, as I know you do. If I hear from him, I will surely ask him to call you. Please know that you are always welcome to call the kids and me. They say "hi". Hope all is well with you, Mom. Take care. Love, (your name)"

She can't very well squirm her way out of that one, huh? :D Kill 'em with kindness, that's what I always say.

Anyway, it's your choice what to do. You know what you can deal with and what you can't, and you certainly don't need any aggravation during your pregnancy (Hell, aggravation really isn't needed anytime). I'm not trying to advise that you continue a relationship if you believe it will be harmful to you or your children. But even Yellowrose said, "Leave the door open for the Holidays". That's really all I was saying too, even in the beginning, just leave the door open. You have nothing to lose by doing it. If you close it permanently, it's something you'll never be able to undo. The key is, okay, you and hubby are happy, everything is going well, and you two are a strong, solid foundation. So don't allow her to rock it! Don't allow her to bring the misery she carries into your marriage. Put up an emotional fort, stand united with your husband, and when and if she tries to do or say something destructive, just say, "Oh Mom! You know that's not true! You know how much Hubby and I love eachother. That's never going to change." and then change the subject, "How's your church group doing?" or "How's so-and-so and his girlfriend? I was thinking of them and hoping they were doing okay." Kill her with kindness. Eventually, she'll run out of ammunition and give up! :D

I have decided that in the best interest of my health and for my peace of mind not to email my mother in law. I have tried the killing them with kindness thing in the past and this woman has a way of turning even kind words around and making the meaning something negative towards her. For example when we send her cards or even when my husband would call once a week to keep in touch, according to her we were only doing it out of a duty not because we wanted to. I say if we are spending money to do something you better believe we want to do it. I am sure that the only reason she even emailed me was to try to find out where my hubby is. She thinks if she is nice I will be fooled and think that she has changed and that I will give her info. The reason my hubby did not tell her in the first place is he is in a special operations unit in the Army and he is not supposed to tell the details of a mission. He knows that his mother blabs to anyone who will listen what he is doing, even though she hates his job I guess she feels important talking about what he might be doing. However if he gets caught talking to anyone about his mission his job could be at stake his mother does not understand that or she doesn't care how it could effect his career. Again I want to thank all of you for your advice and your support.

I think you have made a wise decision .There comes a time when your own well being is more important then someone else's acceptance of you.you did try,it didn't work,just enjoy your life,love,and YOUR family you have now.

I guess to really understand it,you have to have lived it.