at a lost...what to do

bare with me...this is like the 2nd time i have post on here..lol im 31 ow dating a guy that is going to be 23 in december. I have been married and divorced. I have two wonderful wild little boys..lol He and i have been seeing each other for over a year. I live in Missouri and he lives in Massachusetts. We have been flying back and forth. I have met his family and he has met the boys and my parents. Everyone gets along great. We are planning on him moving here until the boys are raised then we might move back to Massachusetts. He goes through stages of saying in 6 months or as soon as possible then i think he gets scared and just says someday. He is the oldest of 5 kids. His family is very close. I think he is having trouble cutting the string. Im not asking him to give up his family by no means. I know it would be a scarey thing to move 1500 miles away from your family and the only friends you know. He always says honey we will be together don't worry. I cant help but worry. He wants kids but I cant wait forever. I love him so much but I hate being away from him. He owes his parents money for his car and he wants to pay them off before he moves here which is 3500.00. Im catching a bunch of crap from my friends that he is using that as an excuse not to move here now. That he isnt ready to cut the strings. I just hate being away from him and I know he is who i want to be with. He just graduated college and is having trouble finding a job. He has been really down about that. He graduated with a b/s in english and now wants to go to grad school to get his teaching degree. well thats going to be like 2 yrs for that. he hasn't even taken his gre test to get into grad school so really it could be 3 yrs before he even gets that. I think he worries that he isn't going to be able to support us and thats why he wants to waIt until he gets all of that done. I don't know if I can keep flying back and forth for that long. I love him so much but am I wrong not to want to wait that long? I dont know what to do. I really don't want to end it with him but I dont know what to do.

He could look for grad school near your place, where I suppose you might have a University and stay with you. I think you should let him finish his studies, it's the right age to do that, and leave the financial support he might give you for later. You are living without it now, I suppose you can make this sacrifice for some two or three years.
I say that because if you are both committed, it's in your best interest to invest in his career, for a better future. And someone who is happy in his career has more chances to have a better future.
Don't rush into having children or putting him to support a whole family if he dreams of studying.
I am sure some people will think differently from me, but I have always loved studying and I know I would have felt miserable if something had stopped me from getting where I got. My boyfriend has three years more to go at the University, and although I would love to live with him right now, and he would be ready to abandon everything to come stay with me, too, I want him to have his degree. It's his dream and it became my dream, too.
What do you think? http://www.smilies.org/basesmilies3/cat2.gif

Hi Karrington! Welcome to ageless.

Is there, like Maria said, any chance that he could go to a university in your part of the country?

Beyond that, what is your gut telling you about him... do you feel like he is stalling? Don't listen to your friends here. As helpful as friends can be, now is the time to listen to what your heart is telling you. If you do feel he is stalling, why? Do you think it's because of the messy logistics of getting everything sorted out, or do you doubt his commitment? I'm not saying that you should... he may be 100% committed. But I think you probably know deep down.

I think it was someone on here who posted this (I can't remember who, but I think about it A LOT!!!): a man doesn't listen to what a woman says but pays attention to what she does; a woman doesn't pay attention to a man's actions but listens to what he says. That's sort of paraphrased, and maybe I got it sort of wrong, but the point is this: is he showing you, through his actions, a desire to move forward with these plans you two have? These are not questions you need to answer here.

Keep us posted! :)

I write this reply as a man Karrington its not intended to have a go, its just that I have found most of the replies on here about things like this tend to be from women, with a woman's point of view. I'm not taking his side but I would like to write my message from his point of view only if you don't mind, it might be different and food for thought. From what I read about him he must be under so much pressure from all angles. You, family friends, work, study, money, give everything up, take more things on, Debt, take on a new family, start a new family before it gets to late. You talk about cutting the apron strings as if it just means standing on his own two feet, but I think even if he lived away from his parents it would still be an important move. The fact that he is with you and still showing interest shouldn't be taken lightly, I know many men who would have run a mile by now and buckled under less if they where not truly wanting a proper relationship. He must love you to bits. Why would you want to end it with him ? Because you cant wait ? Because you don't think he really wants to be with you ?Your female friends say he is using it as an excuse. But if you read back what you have wrote about him I get a picture of a man who is trying to do his best to accommodate everyone, who wants to better himself and pay off people he owes, someone who is prepared to travel to see the one he loves, Someone who hasn't been put off by the fact that you have two young children or have been married before, who loves you and cares nothing about your age gap, who is discussing moving away from his family and friends to be with you and all within the space of 12 months of meeting you. Someone who is depressed because he cant get a job, who wants to work for a living and not live off others.
Sorry I'm making him out to be a saint here aren't I ? He could be an awful man for all I know but I don't read that
Relationships are about give and take. You mention things that he needs to do to keep your relationship going but you don't say what you are prepared to sacrifice.
How about time ? Give him time, tell him that if he is prepared to move and settle down with you away from his family and friends as well as being prepared to take on your children and do his best to educate himself and get a decent job to support you all then you are prepared to give him time to do that. No you don't have to wait forever, in fact sit down and plan your future together and how long it will take to reach that point, and I don't mean with a year 2003 calendar a little further ahead might be an idea, he doesn't know what to do for the best and he needs you to help him rather than add another problem to the bottom of his list. Will your relationship end because he won't come and be with you NOW ?.
Good luck anyway I hope it does work out, From the way you talk about him I think it would be well worth him moving over to be with you eventually, you obviously love him.
If he didn't love you he would have disappeared before now.

I think that your guy could solve all his problems just as well if he moved to be with you. There must be some other underlying reason that is making him hesitate. Perhaps being out in real life after years of university and having to make life-altering decisions has put him into a temporary state of shock. You should try to get him to bring out the real reason he is reluctant, but don't let your insecurity about the relationship show. You need to be supportive and reassure him that if he moves with you and it doesn't work out, he can always go back home. If he sees that you will help him in all his endeavors and maintain a warm, loving environment for him to adjust in, he may feel more comfortable about taking the chance. Talk positively about the opportunities for him individually and for you both as a couple so that he will look forward to the adventure. Definitely leave the baby discussion for later.

Good luck!

(Thanks for replying, Mick. It is great to get a man's point of view. )

I am not sure about your or his financial situations......but you both should be financially stable enough to take care of yourselves.....
When King moved in here with me, we wanted to be together BUT he was broke...........It sucked!!!! It was REAL HARD!!! I worked ALOT, he tried to find a job in a new area! It wasn't easy....
Things are better now but it is a year later......
My advice is Financial shit should be in order.

thank you all for all your replys. You all have helped me step back and rethink how i am looking at things. He really is a great guy. Im very lucky to have him.

Originally posted by mickhud
... But if you read back what you have wrote about him I get a picture of a man who is trying to do his best to accommodate everyone, who wants to better himself and pay off people he owes, someone who is prepared to travel to see the one he loves, Someone who hasn't been put off by the fact that you have two young children or have been married before, who loves you and cares nothing about your age gap, who is discussing moving away from his family and friends to be with you and all within the space of 12 months of meeting you. Someone who is depressed because he cant get a job, who wants to work for a living and not live off others.
.... No you don't have to wait forever, in fact sit down and plan your future together and how long it will take to reach that point, and I don't mean with a year 2003 calendar a little further ahead might be an idea, he doesn't know what to do for the best and he needs you to help him rather than add another problem to the bottom of his list. ...

I second what Mickhud said ... ;)

That was a great post! Well said Mickhud

It saves me typing out a whole load of stuff and you said it better too! Perfect ;) :D

I agree with Mick and was thinking the same thing before he wrote it.

This is all the young guy needs, is his love acting like the 23 yr old girls he doesn't want to date. Patience, sacrifrice, maturity and your love will show this guy that you're both on the same page as far as wanting to build a future together, whether he goes to the university near you or not. Whether we like to admit it or not, a good education and well paying job is a good motivator to emotional health, financial security and those educational expenses that will surely come with your kids and any new ones you have. Give him a break. One of the biggest arguments between couples is money, i don't think you really want a second divorce, do ya.

Paris

mick i just wanted to say thanks you made me look at it in a differnt light. He really is a wonderful guy. I really miss him a lot when we aren't together. I think maybe i was being a bit selfish and just didnt realize it until i read your post. Thanks again for helping look at it differntly. I think its going to help a lot. :D

Great karrington but remember it takes two to tango, you don't have to wait forever and he needs to understand this. He needs to know that he's not really a single guy and you are not just someone on the sidelines waiting to see if he's gonna call you on or not.
to contradict everything i wrote you do need to make sure he doesn't want to keep you hanging on a string or has you as a separate part of his life in a little box miles away, only to open when he's in the mood. I hope he doesn't turn out to be an idiot and make everything I wrote sound useless.

Maybe i should become an agony aunt...

Interesting how we can all give out advice and look at thing rationally for others but are terrible at doing it for ourselves eh ? I wonder how many people who replied to you and other postings in this section have had experiences that they could have solved easily if it didn't actually involve themselves

Originally posted by mickhud
...Interesting how we can all give out advice and look at thing rationally for others but are terrible at doing it for ourselves eh ? ...

totally guilty of not heeding my own advise, lol - mind you, at least I know I give myself good advise, but I honestly don't act on it as often as I should... :p - but at least I am telling myself "told you so" if it goes pear-shaped ;)