How to overcome the hang-up?

I met a very wonderful woman. She's beautiful, smart, and conversation with her flows so easily. I always have a wonderful time when I'm with her. However, she's 41, and I'm 27. She seems to have a very big hang-up about the age difference. We're nothing more than friends because of that, I think. She tells me I'm attractive, when we talk, she touches me, and lets her hand linger on me for a few seconds, but she always says things like, "I wish I was your age again," or "I could get in trouble with a guy your age,"...comments along those lines when things seem to be moving in that direction.

I do just want to lay it all out and say point blank, "Look, I'm a man, you're a woman, there is clearly an attraction between us, and the differences in our ages is meaningless to me. Don't think of me as a younger man, but just as a man who attracted to you." However, it's been my experiences when people are faced with a declaration, almost an ultimatum I guess, like that they usually side with caution - in this case her thinking that there is something wrong with our age difference.

Are there women out there who had similar reservations - such as what people may think - and what did someone do, or how did you overcome them? Or have any other guys faced similar situations?

I think we may miss out on something that could be very, very nice because of a perceived problem.

I posted this message earlier on the wrong board, I apologize if you hated reading it twice.

Hmmm, Well I haven't had that exact experience but I think what you said you'd like to say sounds real good.

Then again I'm a direct kind of a person and like to hear it how it is. Not everyone does.

I would find it a turn on for a man to tell me outright "listen im a man and your a woman and i find you attractive". <g>

So that would be my vote for an approach. But again, not knowing her personna I can not say for sure. I can say that if shes hesitating because she is not sure if your having a hangup that will erase that idea!!

Sweetie, every age gap couple I know of, the man had to lay it all out for the woman, plain and simple. And again, and again, and be patient, and stubborn.
Believe me, its the only way its going to happen.

Yep, what they said!! What have you got to lose by telling her that you find her attractive and would like to take your friendship to another level? If she really has a hangup about the age difference, then direct her to this board and ask her to start reading.

Joe is 26 and I am 52 . . . a much bigger gap than you two are looking at. Do we let that bother us? Nope . . . because neither one of us cares what other people think . . . just what each other thinks. And that's the way it should be.

There are quite a few couples on this board who have larger agegaps than you and your lady, so if that is the only problem here, then I would say you don't have a problem.

GO FOR IT!! :p

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom, ladies. They are very, very appreciated. I've known her for months now. And though the flirtation and innuendo has increased from then to now, I've been unable to find a way to push it over that hump (no pun intended) to the next level.

I'm going to see my older female friend later this week, and I'm going to tell her that I find her stimulating both mentally and physically, that I greatly enjoy the time we spend together, that I've constantly thought about her since the day we met, basically, that I adore her.

Worst case scenario: She tells me that it won't work out. She cares too much about societal norms to have a relationship with someone this much younger than herself. I can move on, stop thinking about her all the time, be better for the experience, still have a very good friend, knowing where I stand with her.

Best case scenario: Well, it could be pretty good.

Again, thank you. I've found your insight invaluable.

let a guy down easily...a guy that was cute, but that I just didn't want for my own...and some guys to women do just look way too young for their tastes...everyone has a different technique for dealing with a guy that they don't want to deal with...believe me if you were something more than what she says, you would have heard by now...she would have lined things up like,"Here is my number, call me let's talk..." Sorry , but I am a realist here. Hadley

Originally posted by JD in OH
She tells me I'm attractive, when we talk, she touches me, and lets her hand linger on me for a few seconds, but she always says things like, "I wish I was your age again," or "I could get in trouble with a guy your age,"...comments along those lines when things seem to be moving in that direction.

Clue#1: She likes (or in my words "wants") ya!

I do just want to lay it all out and say point blank, "Look, I'm a man, you're a woman, there is clearly an attraction between us, and the differences in our ages is meaningless to me.

Clue#2: With that type of boldness you possess, tell her like it is, she'll like that even more!

I think we may miss out on something that could be very, very nice because of a perceived problem.

Clue#3: Exactly! So go for it bro!





If a chic I liked did the first things you mentioned above to me, I'd automatically give in! ;)


joe

JD, I think she might be really interested in you, but the thought of being with a younger man might have never occurred as an option to her. Now she is thinking about it, and it makes her nervous. VERY nervous! She thinks, "This is ridiculous! How could I possibly hold on to someone 27 when I'm 41! My competition is women in their 20's!" With that process, she just dismisses the idea for fear of getting hurt in the long run.

I say, go for it! Tell her how you feel, point blank (make sure you tell her how incredibly attractive you find her - it'll minimize her defenses a bit). Like you said, what's the worst that could happen? She politely turns you down (which, I really don't think will happen). Nothing ventured, nothing gained! :)

Good luck. Come back here and tell us what happens.

Your plan sounds great. Go ahead and tell her. If she still has doubts, tell her to come here and meet us at Ageless. That might give her a different perception of age gap relationships.

Originally posted by Polly
JD, I think she might be really interested in you, but the thought of being with a younger man might have never occurred as an option to her. Now she is thinking about it, and it makes her nervous. VERY nervous! She thinks, "This is ridiculous! How could I possibly hold on to someone 27 when I'm 41! My competition is women in their 20's!" With that process, she just dismisses the idea for fear of getting hurt in the long run.


I agree with Polly 100%!!!! Why? Because this kind of thinking almost prevented me from starting anything with my boyfriend!! I seriously thought I was crazy for even considering things with him!!! But thankfully, I found THIS SITE and realized I wasn't some kind of sicko.

JD... I also thinks she likes you. She probably just does not want to be thought of as silly. When she touches you... you touch her and look her in the eyes and say what is on your mind and in your heart.... Nothing ventured is nothing....

Wow Swan your strong, Id be doing way too much analyzing!! Go you!.

I cant even imagine . Thats great though.

I cant meet my online love til maybe October/November and I obsess on that lol. God I feel like a baby now that I read yours.

Heather

HeatherLynn, I am using the time to get my head screwed on straight. I have been working out in a gym but I started that before I met him online so its not "because of him" still the extra time can't hurt ;) I try not to obsess, it just creaps in occasionally I figure I have to take my chance and go for it. Chance of a lifetime. I would hate to think I sabotaged it with negativity. I don't know how I will feel when the time gets nearer. I tend to get cold sores when I get real nervous so I got a prescription for something to take for a month before he gets here. That would be all I need when I meet him!!!! Funny before I found this board I would NEVER have guessed how many people are in similar situations. I think this place is going to help me make it through. Thanks to ALL of you. I'm going to try to get a picture up here soon.

First, thanks everyone for your insight. This is kind of uncharted territory for me, so reading opinions based on your experiences were very helpful.

So I called up my older female friend (she gave me her number the first evening we met, Hadley) and asked if she wanted to meet for a drink after work the next day. Her voice perked up, and she said she'd love to - a good sign, I thought.

I got to the bar before her, I sat at the table we usually sit at, and after a few minutes, I saw her walk in. She looked great. She was definitely a bit more made up than I've usually seen her after work, and she wasn't wearing a suit coat like she usually does after work, instead a sleeveless blouse.

I give her a hug and a kiss on her cheek, as usual, tell her that she looks very, very nice, and ask her to make herself comfortable while I got us drinks. I came back to the table, sat down, and got right to the point.

I told her that I think she's amazing, that she's constantly in my thoughts, that I am very, very physically attracted to her, that I am totally enamored with her, that I cherish her friendship, but that I'm always wondering if anything more can come from it. I ask her if she thinks we could be together.

Then silence. She stared at me for what seemed like forever. She reached for my cigarettes (she's told me she hadn't smoked in 15 years) and put one in her mouth. I lit her cigarette, and waited for her to say something. She took a little drag from the cigarette, quickly exhaled it, and then she asked, "Are you being serious?" I told her I was. Then another period of silence while she looked at me.

She then told me that she didn't quite know what to say. I asked her what was going through her mind. She said about a million things were going through her mind at that moment. She looked at the cigarette between her fingers, almost like she was wondering how it got there, then she put it out in the ashtray and reached across the table, and placed her hands on mine. She leaned over, and gave me a quick kiss on the lips, then she sat back down, still holding my hands, and told me that I hadn't thought things through all the way.

She told me that she could quite easily fall in love with me, but that would lead to her heart getting broken eventually, because we are at two different points in our lives. She explains to me she's knows exactly who she is, and what she wants, but she thinks my ideas of what I want, and the person I will eventually become are just starting to congeal. I just left the military, and I have recently for the first time started putting down roots in a place, so in a sense, she is very correct in her observation.

She told me that what appeals to me about her now won't do so forever, that the time will come shortly when I want someone to share things in life with that she's already been though. Then she shared that she's cried thinking about why she couldn't have met someone exactly like me 20 years ago.

She asked if I knew what she meant, and I told her that I understood. She kissed me again. We finished our drinks, not talking, just looking at each other - but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. We got on my motorcycle, drove to a park, and walked for over an hour while holding hands talking about a myriad of subjects, most of them very personal, sharing things about ourselves that we previously hadn't.

It was getting dark, so we drove back to her. We got off my motorcycle, and I open her car door for her. She reached around me and grabbed by ***, stood up on her tiptoes and gave me another kiss, then said, "You know Jack, some people can f*** and still be friends." She winked at me and got in her car.

I'll never figure women out.

ARGHHHH
COME ON!! I said the exact same stuff to my guy, every woman here said it the theirs too.
She's saying she's really attracted to you, but she's scared to death of getting her heart broken, so she can't allow herself to fall in love with you.
This is when you kick it into gear, and patiently, gently, firmly, show her you mean every word of what you said.
Then you expect tears, and anger, and stark raving terror, then you send her here.
Trust me.
Been there. Thank God my David hung in there.

Originally posted by Bella
ARGHHHH
COME ON!! I said the exact same stuff to my guy, every woman here said it the theirs too.
She's saying she's really attracted to you, but she's scared to death of getting her heart broken, so she can't allow herself to fall in love with you.
This is when you kick it into gear, and patiently, gently, firmly, show her you mean every word of what you said.
Then you expect tears, and anger, and stark raving terror, then you send her here.
Trust me.
Been there. Thank God my David hung in there.

ADD EXCITMENT AND YOU HAVE MY EXACT FEELINGS!!!

come on JD, send her here.

Let Bella at her, I know she can push the woman to your corner.

She's running scared, don't give up and don't under any circumstances make this a friend w/benefits relationship, unless that's what you want to settle for, but somehow I don't think that's what your intentions were, but what do I know.

so you're just settling in, big deal, we're always settling in....its called growing up, wisdom, knowledge...whatever. Unless the ultimate desires are different from each other, its basically the same....what does it matter what point in the life we're up to, the end result will be the same.

don't give up, tell her you'll give her time to think about it, a couple of months, let her talk it over with whomever, I'm sure most of the ladies here won't mind emailing her privately, but do send her here. Good luck.

Paris

She told me that she could quite easily fall in love with me, but that would lead to her heart getting broken eventually, because we are at two different points in our lives. She explains to me she's knows exactly who she is, and what she wants, but she thinks my ideas of what I want, and the person I will eventually become are just starting to congeal. She told me that what appeals to me about her now won't do so forever, that the time will come shortly when I want someone to share things in life with that she's already been though. Then she shared that she's cried thinking about why she couldn't have met someone exactly like me 20 years ago.

I agree with Bella!! Been there, done that, practically the same words (even down to the tears) - although some of the words came out of my YM's mouth. Talk to her again and send her here so she doesn't feel like she's a weirdo for even considering a relationship with a younger man.

has not committed to her yet, and she is waiting to see if that turns out like she wants it to. H.

Umm, where did you get that from Hadley?
I still say it sounds like what I, and nearly every woman on here said when approached by a guy younger. Just understand that she is honestly scared. And honestly doesn't believe you could ever REALLY want to be with her, in anything but a sexual way. And it sounds like she's willing to do what she thinks you really want, just have sex.
David and my first fight was for that very reason. I offered to just sleep with him to let him get it out of his system. BAM. Pissed him off totally, and he let me know in no uncertain terms, that if sex was what he wanted, he could sure get it a lot easier from someone who wasn't 1200 miles away. Totally insulted him.
She wants you, dude, she's just scared.
And again, send her here, have her email me, or anyone on here who sounds like they'd get along with her.
If you want her, you gotta court her, woo her, make her know you are serious.
Trust me.

Originally posted by Bella
... I offered to just sleep with him to let him get it out of his system. BAM. Pissed him off totally, and he let me know in no uncertain terms, that if sex was what he wanted, he could sure get it a lot easier from someone who wasn't 1200 miles away. Totally insulted him.
...

Lol, yes, what Bella said - was pretty much the same with my guy and me ;) only he was less pissed off, but rather hurt by my comment / suggestion ;)

And I agree that your woman is more likely than not scared shitless about the shere thought - ofc, there is always a chance that it might not be something for her even after she "toyed" with the thought a bit - but I am sure I wouldn't be here if my darling hadn't been VERY persistent and patient in pursuing me, showing his love and affection and keep telling me that age shouldn't hold me back any more than maybe race, culture or religion should (and none of these would have ever been the slightest point of consideration for me when deciding if I like someone and am happy ;) ).

So, Bella and her guy are my "authorities" on these things, so I would go by her advise, to start with ... :D
Goold luck!

/edit: oh, AND what was crucial, though, was finding this site thought and read all the similar or relevant stories to see I am not a total freak ;) - so that might help her to find THAT one out too :p

Originally posted by HadleyManassas
has not committed to her yet, and she is waiting to see if that turns out like she wants it to. H.

Wow...I'm not sure where that came from. I'm totally unaware that my older female friend has another romantic interest (we've shared so much, I find it hard to believe that she'd hold that back).

She told me that she could quite easily fall in love with me, but that would lead to her heart getting broken eventually, because we are at two different points in our lives. She explains to me she's knows exactly who she is, and what she wants, but she thinks my ideas of what I want, and the person I will eventually become are just starting to congeal...She told me that what appeals to me about her now won't do so forever, that the time will come shortly when I want someone to share things in life with that she's already been though.

This is exactly what I told Mark on many many occasions. He has never been married, has no children of his own and is 15 yrs younger. At the time, I felt that my response was both noble and wise.

Noble because I was doing what was right for him. I felt that I knew what was best for him (getting married, having children, dating someone his own age).

Wise because I wanted to protect myself. I believed that men are basically shallow self-indulgent creatures who leave at the first sign of aging. I wanted to avoid the heartache I felt was inevitable.

During the past 4 years, he's let me know many times that my being older doesn't mean that I know better. He's the expert about his own life. He's also proved his faithfulness and sincerity by quietly being there and showing that my previous experiences told me about those men not about ALL men.

Perhaps you might want to let her know that you do know what you want and that her age doesn't automatically make her an expert about what is right for you. And if you demonstrate that you are in it for the long term with persistence and patience, she may just change her mind. I did.