Hi and question

Hello all,

I'm so glad I've found this board - I really thought I was in a real minority when I found myself dating someone younger than me. I wish I was going to write something happy, uplifting, etc. but I think my relationship is possibly changing or ending, and so looking for some insight, answers, maybe support??

The background - I met a YM 15 years younger than me (I'M 48). I was really hesitant about going out with him - I'd never dated anyone younger than me, let alone that much of a gap. He was charming, intelligent, we had great conversations, and he really seemed attractive. He wanted to see me a lot, and in fact right up until last weekend, we spent quite a bit of time together.

I haven't heard from him since last Saturday - I know, it's not a long time, but this is unusual - he usually emailed me Mondays to set up the next "date". And even when I sent him one yesterday, I have yet to hear back - again, unusual for him.

I'm really trying not to read much into this, but it is a real change in his behaviour. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but his mother asked him to bring me to their place out of town, to meet her. I guess my questions are, could he be scared suddenly of what that means? I guess my insecurities about being "older", looking older (though most people say I don't look my age at all) him suddenly wanting someone younger are coming out. And finally, if this change is signalling the "end" of this, it'll hurt, but I don't want this colouring my view of possibly dating someone younger in the future. As I said, it's my first time, and though I know men (and women) at any age can suddenly pull a disappearing act if that's what it is, I'm concerned that it might be more possible in this type of relationship.

So I know, it's a lot to chew on, but if you guys can offer any insight, and maybe some encouragement, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks all in advance

Chelsea-p.s. I'm new, not sure if there are other Chelseas on the board.

Welcome, Chelsea! I hope you will find lots of good advice here.

As far as I remember you are the only Chelsea around, at least posting...;)

I have some questions for you. How long have you known your boyfriend and how did you meet? Had you been talking about something long term or has it ever been a subject of conversation?

Just so that we know a bit more about your situation.

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Hi Marialux,

Wow, that was a fast response! I met my b/f in a community theatre group. We've been seeing each other about 3 months, but actually met about 6 months ago, though we didn't really talk much to each other then. It's just in the last production, we got to know each other, but to tell the truth, he really pursued me - as I said, I've never really had this type of YM/OW relationship before.

The subject of long term did come up - from him. He at one point said he saw himself with me for a long time. But he has also said he never saw himself as the "marrying kind". As I wasn't looking for marriage at this point, I didn't even understand why it came up. I can certainly understand having cold feet and wanting to bolt - I guess I can't understand why he won't just tell me the truth. That I think, is what is hurting me right now.

Hello, and a warm greeting to you:)

I can imagine how you are feeling, not hearing from him since Saturday and no explanations...I can just hope he has a good reason for it.
Many women here say that it was their younger partner who pursued them and convinced them that age meant nothing. In the long run, it seems that these guys are sincere, age doesn't stop them from being loving and faithful, and we have many stable couples in Ageless.
I had a previous relationship with a man 15 years younger than me, and since the beginning he had doubts. He was attracted to me, loved my company, I was probably the only true friend he's ever had, but that was not enough. For him the ideal woman was younger. He also had a crazy mother who threaten to let herself die if he stayed with me.
So, you see, at least your boyfriend hasn't shown those doubts, is ready to introduce you to his mother in only 3 months (it took me 2 years to meet his mother), so who knows, he might really come up with some good explanation for you.
You may well know that all of us don't see any problem with the age gap, it's all a matter of finding the right man, younger or older, this is not always easy.
http://sky2.cool.ne.jp/pl/nature/rose/rose-pink.gif

Thank you Midnite! I love your blue character! It's so cute...

Chelsea

Thank you Maria~

I really appreciate your concern. Wow - I can't imagine what it must have been like to have the pressure of your YM mother threatening suicide. That must have been very difficult for both of you.

I hope you are in a much happier and healthier rel now. And as far as what you said about members here feeling nothing's strange about YM/OW, I am glad to say I'm a believer too now! I never thought I would be in this situation - I suppose many of the women didn't. I know several couples too and they are very happy.

I guess whether you're younger/older, man or woman, the question is how you want to be treated and what you will accept. I think I will give this til tomorrow, then phone to simply find out what's up. The truth sometimes can be painful, but it's better in the end, than just not knowing and imagining scenarios.

Thanks so much again for your response. I think I'm gonna like it here!

Chelsea

Midnite has the greatest avatars ever, I also love them...we never know with which one she's going to post, it's always a surprise!

I am in a much better, brand new relationship now, and I had forgotten how good it is to feel loved and safe, to feel we are a real couple and that no matter what others think or do, it doesn't affect us. It's a powerful sensation that I had missed. With my ex, anything and anyone could come and mess things between us, he left the door opened for it, and the door's name was doubt.

Isn't it terrible when someone doubt if he loves you or not?

Stay tuned, most members come later to the site!

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I think that him not contacting you for those days could have nothing to do with the age gap. It is natural to think that is the reason but it may be something easily explained. Once when my BF and I (he is 22 years younger than me, I am 44) first started getting involved, he got terribly ill. He had a most severe case of the flu. He was barely able to drink fluids and he practically slept for 3 days straight. Needless to say I was beside myself (as you must be feeling) and no one knew my number or how to reach me to tell me how ill he was. I thought he got cold feet over the age gap and was avoiding me. When he finally got the strength to call me he was so very sorry! I told him after that we had to get a system in place to have someone notify us in case of illness or injury of the other. (We have a LDR too...he is England and I am in the States) So now we each have people locally who know to contact our BF/GF if something happens. So, give him a bit more time. Btw, can you phone him? We had not exchanged phone numbers at the time my BF got sick so I had only Yahoo and the RPG we played as methods to reach him. If you have his number I would call for sure. I imagine you are not only stressed but worried about him too.

Best Wishes!

EDIT: I just re-read your last post and you said you would be phoning him if you haven't heard. Good!

Hey, welcome to the boards. I just wanted to jump in and say that guys don't call sometimes for various reasons. When Robin and I first started dating, it was two weeks into it, and he stopped calling! I was like, "What the HELL???" I was going to leave for vacation, so I posted a little note on his door that said, "Hey, I really enjoyed our time together. I haven't heard from you, so I'm assuming you don't want to date. I'm okay with that, I think you're a great person, and I hope we can stay in touch and be friends." Well, I went on vacation, wondering about him the whole time, and when I got back, I literally no sooner walked through the door and he called! He said, "I didn't call you that week because I had to leave and go out of town to help a buddy of mine whose car broke down in Tennessee!" We live in Ohio. Anyway, he DID want to date me, and we picked back up from there.

Another time, a few months after we met, I had already met the rest of his family, but not his dad. I thought that was really weird. Anyway, his dad was having a big birthday party for himself, and Robin told me "everyone" was going to be there, but neglected to invite me. Again, I was devastated and assumed he didn't really care about me. I came to find out that the party was a disaster because his dad DRANK too much (as Robin predicted he would) and Robin was simply protecting me. He's right, I wouldn't have known what to do if his dad got drunk and said rude things to me.

We've been together four years now, live together and are engaged, and I'm very involved with his family now (and he is with mine). I know what to expect, as does he. Time was the factor in our case. Maria had to deal with a nutcase in her ex's mother, maybe your ym's mother is one too and he's trying to protect you. Anyway, don't write him off just yet, but do be careful. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Let him call you. Let him pursue you some more. Don't always call him back. Make him declare more of an interest in you, so you can be sure.

Hi Tru and Polly,

Thanks so much for the welcome and your advice! O.K. guys, I did hear from him yesterday - he emailed me and apologized for not being in touch, but had been called into work and was exhausted the next day. Wants to see me tonight and also asked about a future concert date in September.

So yes, I'm feeling better. But gotta say, I feel really silly about being so insecure about this. As I said, this type of relationship is really a new concept for me. I really thought 15 yrs. is too big a gap. And I also think what can a young man in his early 30's see in a woman in her late 40's!? Tru, your post actually opened my eyes a bit seeing that your b/f is younger and the gap a bit wider. I guess it just boils down to the people involved and not the age, as I'm learning.

Also, you guys mentioned meeting the family. In fact, he did say his mother does want to invite me to meet them in a couple of weeks. I'm a little nervous about that too, wondering what they think of this situation. Did you find that the parents wondered when their son was going to settle down with someone "his own age" and give them grandkids? The quotes are mine by the way. I really don't know what they think?

One more question - Maria, I'm glad to hear you are in a happy relationship now. I'm assuming it's with another younger man? Do you find that many people who have had this type of R. look for another person younger (if woman) or older (if guy) again? Just curious.

Again, thanks for your advice everyone - you're all great!:p

Chelsea

I am happy for you that the worry is over regarding what happened to him! How great he is planning for September! He plans to be around for a while!

It is normal to feel insecure. We shouldn't have to feel that way but with the view from society it happens. The view is changing but we have our programming to fight. I just say keep pushing those thoughts out and replace them with good positive ones. Over time they will lessen.

My BF parents are seemingly fine with our relationship. I had a long talk with his mother a couple of weeks ago (when we got locked out on her balcony! YIKES) She assured me that she was fine with our relationship and ok with no grandchildren etc.. They just love their son and want him to be happy. They see how happy he is with me and that is all that they seem to care about. I am lucky though. Maria has another story to tell about how the parents can be.

I have never noticed the looks. Well, maybe I have noticed "glances" but nothing pointing and rude. YET. I do look older but we just don't care for the most part. I think that because we both forget about the age gap we just don't notice.

I find that coming here helps keep me sane. It keeps those fears away. Keep hanging here! It will help you too!

Best Wishes!

Originally posted by Chelsea
Maria, I'm glad to hear you are in a happy relationship now. I'm assuming it's with another younger man? Do you find that many people who have had this type of R. look for another person younger (if woman) or older (if guy) again?

I don't know, Chelsea. Jim is a member in the site and as I remained here after my break up, I ended up noticing the cute guy on his bike, and then we chatted one day, he noticed me...and well, in a pretty short time we were ready to meet each other and see if things were going to work. I am not able to develop longterm love relationships in the virtual world, I just can't, it's my personality. So we've met and felt we were a good match, as he says.

And this time the family doesn't seem to have anything against the age gap, although it's larger than with my ex. 18 years in opposition to 15.

As for the age factor, I don't think I have a preference, although it has been easier for me lately to relate to younger people.

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LOL Tru!!!! You got locked out on her balconey????? *giggles*

Welcome Chelsea! My daughter's name is Chelsea so, of course, you have already scored brownie points with me.

I have been dating a man 14 years (and some months) younger than me for almost 3 years. And yes, his mother did have the concerns you mentioned. I would suppose that is a normal thing. Parents worrying about their children and the choices they make. No matter how old you are, your still a child to your parents. And might I say, my parents had concerns too. My parents assumed it wouldn't last, that he was a guy out to have some fun and a roll in the hay with an older woman. They were forever warning me not to get too attached, because they did not want me to be hurt when the time came that he left me. I think the exact phrase was "Remember the younger ones are fun, but they never stay long." *sigh* Of course that didn't really help me out much with my issues and insecurities with the age gap.

But you know what did help? This place!! There are a lot of people here who had been through the exact same thing. I did a lot of reading when I first got here, and I also read the other side of the boards to see how the younger women felt being with their older men. I learned a lot about how my younger partner might be feeling by reading over on that side, and changed some behaviors I had by seeing how it would feel to be the younger partner.

Some people are going to be shocked with your relationship, some people are going to be supportive and some people are going to be concerned, but it's all really about how the two of you feel about it that matters. Everything else will fall into place over time. Eventually if you are happy together, people can't help but be happy for you (including family members on both sides)
*smiles*

In Maria's situation, well, that woman was just nuts. I don't think it would have mattered if the woman was younger, older or whatever, because she just wanted to keep her son for herself. Luckily most of us will never have to deal with something like that....

Good luck to you, and keep us updated. Oh! And welcome to the site!

Joannalee, I just wanted to say that I have had the same experience with the other side of the board lately: I've been reading the posts and I can see, a little more clearly, what it's like to be the younger partner. Very interesting.

I just wanted to add that when I met Robin's parents, I was really, really nervous. I met them seperately, as they are divorced. I met Robin's dad first, on Robin's birthday, when Robin was at work. I bought Robin a left-handed Fender Stratocaster for his 21st birthday (to tell you the truth, I didn't think his folks would even get him anything, so I wanted his 21st birthday to be special. I was 36.) Well, anyway, I went to his dad's house to drop it off because that's where Robin was going to stop off after work, and his dad acted kind of weird. I heard him say in the background previously, when I was on the phone with Robin, "What do you want with some 36 year old broad?" I had my hair and make-up perfect, wore a cute outfit (but not ****ty) and put on a smile. Well, I wasn't there long. I dropped off the guitar and a birthday cake and left. Later on, Robin called me to thank me for the surprise and invite himself over :D, and mentioned that his dad thought I was "centerfold material" and wanted me for himself! :D Believe me, his dad was GREATLY exaggerating, but I did feel like "whew, I'm accepted!" His dad's been really sweet ever since, even coming over to help fix the furnace and stuff.

Robin's mom was sort of stand-offish at first. I tried to find points of interest to converse with her about. She likes crafts, gardening, and Elvis! I tried to recall all the damned Martha Stewart shows I had watched, and threw out stuff I thought was interesting. Oh, we won her over last Christmas when we went to an auction and bought an "Elvis Presley Boulevard" street sign for her. Anyhoo, she eventually decided that I was okay for her son and warmed up to me. Now she sends my kids birthday cards and when she buys us gifts for the Holidays, she signs them "Mom" or "Grandma". :)

Just be really sweet on your meeting, and be yourself. Try to impress upon them how highly you think of their son, and how much you wish to make him happy. I told Robin's brother and sister, before I ever even met the parents, "I love your brother more than anything. All I want is to make him happy. I'll never cheat on him, lie to him, or treat him badly. He is the light of my life and I feel privileged to be with him." They must have told that to the parents, because now I'm in like flint! :)

Welcome to the board, I'm pretty new here myself. Glad things worked out for you. I know it's a relief when you hear the reason and you feel so silly for thinking the things you do. I'm kind of in a similar situation with my y/m, who is 20 yrs younger. He has gone days without calling, then out of the blue, he calls and my faith is restored. But now he is on vacation and won't return for another week, and not a word from him. But this is a very new relationship, and I'm not sure where his heart or head is. And even though I could call him on his cell phone, I want him to have fun while he is away and don't want him to think that I'm too anxious or possessive about him. So I will wait until he returns to see if he calls me.

You'll find a lot of friendly people here and some good advice too!

I will never forget the words of this young man on a radio show that called in to say that he was madly in love with an older woman, she was perfect, mature and smart and he thought the world of her, but.....when months went by and she started to show her insecurities.....he started to lose interest in her.
and he finished saying.... to all mature women out there....please dont show your insecurities to us, because thats the last thing we want to see"
Insecurities..... spoil the best relationships, lets always remember that;)

I want a man who wants me and my insecurities! If he runs when I show them...then goodbye and good riddance. No one is perfect and he will have his own issues. My YM loves me in spite of myself. We have grown closer as he began to see my insecurities. He likes the "hero" mode. He is my hero! I am 22 years older than him but he is more wise and "together" in many ways than me. I am not saying I whine about hangnails but I do have some insecurities. When he senses it, he says "Tell me all about it baby. I want to help you." I am blessed.

Originally posted by Tru
I want a man who wants me and my insecurities! If he runs when I show them...then goodbye and good riddance. No one is perfect and he will have his own issues. ...

I agree with that - I don't want to put up a front, so my YM either accepts me with MY insecurities - it's not like he hasn't got some, either, that I am willing to accept ;) - or not and then it's good riddance ;) . I only come as a whole personalised package :p

This doesn't mean obsessing about insecurities, either - but I am not there to be the sole caretaker (of either myself or my partner). Of course it is my job to take care of my insecurities - but that doesn't mean I wouldn't enlist some moral support or sometimes need to share my concerns, worries etc (and I am a worrier by nature, but trying to "chill" a bit ;) ).
Anyone who's not up to sharing his or my insecurities and issues with me either has to learn and accept to do so or look somewhere else ;)

Well the thing is, EVERYBODY has insecurities, whether they like to admit it or not. So, if a guy says, "I don't want to see your insecurities" does that mean that the lady he's with shouldn't see his either? It sounds kind of dysfunctional to me. I mean, part of a relationship is revealing ALL of one's self and being accepted anyway, warts and all. If we have to hide any aspect of ourselves, insecurities included, then we're not showing our whole selves, and therefore in a relationship under false pretenses.

I think men who can't handle a woman's insecurities shouldn't be in a commited relationship. He can sleep around, use them and lose them, whatever, but not commit, because the only woman he'll find without insecurities is a BLOW-UP DOLL!

Maybe I misunderstood Adri's quote, but I took it to mean that the guy only wanted a woman who was a pillar, and never revealed any insecurities, that doing so was a turn-off to him, something he didn't want to deal with. (Sorry Adri, if I interpreted it incorrectly :) ) Anyhoo, I agree that we can't be whiny, pathetic cling-ons, revealing all of our baggage and faults on the first date, I mean yeah, he'd go running for the hills! :D But I think it's false advertisement to act like we're "perfect" with no insecurities or problems. I think they should come up when the time is appropriate, like for instance, let's say an ow has a huge insecurity about the extra weight on her body, and ym wants to take her to a pool party and meet his friends for the first time. Do you think she should just go, and keep to herself the fact that this is a fate worse than death, or be honest and say something like, "You know Billy, I'm really excited to meet your friends, but I'm not in the best shape right now, and I wouldn't be comfortable going to a pool party in a bathing suit around people I don't know. Could we maybe meet them at a restaurant or have a party ourselves and invite them?" If the guy was a prick, he'd say, "Oh God! There you go again with your ridiculous insecurities! Who gives a rat's *** what you're body looks like!" I personally would boot this kind of guy out the door. But Mr. Right, possessing empathy and compassion, would say, "Hey, you look fine to me, but if it makes you uncomfortable, sure, we can figure something else out. I want you to feel good when you meet my friends." :)

Yes girls....i think you misunderstood what this guy was actually saying.
He was talking about his older woman insecurities with the age difference, he didnt care and she didnt either at the begining of the relationship, but as the months went by she started showing insecurities with the age gap , more and more each day to the point that he didnt want to hear anymore, he was even afraid to start a conversation with her because she will lead him to the same topic all over again. That made their relationship very tense and stressful and he couldnt enjoy it anymore. other young men called in to the radio after him to comment on that and their own experiences with OW and most of them agreed that the ow"s insecurities with the age gap its not what they wanted to hear everyday. and i agree too.

I can whinge about some new wrinkles or about gaining or losing weight etc, etc, and he does whinge too, like he has more grey hair now than 6 months ago and how that makes him feel older, or complains about his belly getting rounder and out of shape (which i think is bull) and how approaching middle age is starting to bother him and blah blah blah, he has insecurities too and i listen to them the same way he listens to mine and that is normal in every type of relationship but.... I dont mention our 12 years difference because that is something he knew from the start and he wanted me anyway, i didnt do the chasing, he did, so why should i complaint or feel insecure about that? If he is not happy with the age gap ...let HIM complaint but he doesnt, that and the fact that he is with me by his own choice leaves no room for insecurities of that type.

Yes ladies....i believe that those insecurities is the last thing a youn man wants to see in his beloved, smart, sensitive and so wise older woman, I am convinced that those insecurities takes away the magic and mystery of those OW/YM relationships.

Hi all you great new virtual friends~

I wanted to thank all the new posters to this thread - it's really becoming interesting.

Though I am glad that the insecurity I experienced due to the original question in my post is over, I'm realizing why my buttons are being pushed in the first place and wondered what you all thought. I'm wondering how you deal with baggage, insecurities that are part of your YM. I'll explain.

My YM was involved in two previous relationships that have really negatively affected him. In the first 3 years ago, he was involved with a young lady for about 6 weeks when they discovered she got pregnant. He was not in love with her and did not marry her but is paying child support and for awhile visited the child and wanted to be part of his life. Unfortunately, because she had hoped for the alternative outcome, marriage, she made his visits uncomfortable and cold and in the end it proved too difficult for him to continue. He still carries a great deal of guilt around about this and blames himself for being “stupid” about not using contraceptives, about not “doing the right thing” and marrying her, etc. etc.

The second situation happened about 4 months ago. He met an older woman – they became intimate very quickly but apparently things were over in a month. He was fine with it, as she had indicated that she wasn’t looking for anything long-term at the time. Yet, when it was over, she was upset, confronted him just a few weeks ago about being a “jerk” and using her. Again, a case of unclear communication leading to misunderstandings, and bad feelings and him feeling guilty and confused.

Since that confrontation, our conversations have been peppered with him saying things like “you should know there’s a bad side of me” or “I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to ever be with you long-term, I’ve hurt people before”. These kinds of statements which really weren’t there in the beginning, are making me feel nervous, though I try to ignore the insecurity the nervousness brings up and just try to listen and be a support as he goes through dealing with these things.

I know as we age, we accept that we all make mistakes – it’s part of being human. And somehow we find ways of doing our best and forgiving ourselves. I think he is dealing with these incidents and it’s very difficult for him. I am not sure how to deal with it, because I don’t know if deep down, he is trying to “warn” me of this apparent bad side of himself. Sorry to make this so long, but I guess in a way it might explain why I freaked out over no contact for two days and I guess it turns the question around to how we deal with the YM insecurities. Thanks all!

Chelsea

Welcome Chelsea - it's nice to see a fellow Canadian on the boards! I haven't posted for awhile but I had to jump into this thread.

Some insecurity in an OW/YM relationship is probably a given. After all, each of us is dealing with a YM who has bucked the "societal rules" to engage in a relationship with a woman who is older than he is. This is not the societal norm (although I'm starting to think that finally we're making some progress in that arena...after all, this board seems to have LOTS of couples in relationships that don't follow the norms). What's frustrating is that it doesn't appear that men in an OM/YM relationship feel the same insecurities because, in the double-standard world we live in, if you are a man it is acceptable to have a relationship with a woman young enough to be your daughter (or younger).

Hang in there Chelsea. Life is short and meant to be enjoyed. My YM is 20 years younger than I am and while I would be very sad if our wonderful relationship ended, I know I'd survive without him. Live every day as it comes, try to put your insecurities in perspective, and enjoy the relationship.

Hey Goldust

Thanks! Your answer really did put a perspective on things - this is not the societal norm and I guess like all else here, I have to expect the unexpected. I'll try to just "go with the flow, EH?"

;)

Yes, Cheslea, we are not the norm, but most of us here know who we are and what we want and we go for it. As for the future, no one knows in ANY relationship exactly what the future holds, so you just have to take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest.

Be thankful for that day and all that it brings and love your guy the best you can that day.