responsibility for ym?

i have just had an interesting conversation with my ym. we were talking about his plan for next year. he is doing his freshman year of college in his home country and considering relocating with me after that. its very important to me that he completes his education and so i have been pushing him towards local colleges. it occurs to me that i would be most unhappy if my 17 year old daughter was planning her college career around some 35 year old man living in a foreign country. i am a real hyprocrite huh?

Marcy.....I guess as parents we sometimes don't give our kids the same freedom we give ourselves. We just want the best for them. I am not sure if hypocrite is the right word but at least you are aware of the double standard. :)

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i don't think i can change my view on my kids...to fix this i have to bring my current online relationship into alignment with my real life beliefs regarding young people and their opportunities, life choices, and future. i am going to be terribly sad to give up my ym...but it seems like the fair and reasonable thing to do from an adult/parent perspective. i don't expect him to understand this and i know its painful and hurtful, but i'm not sure how to fix this...

feeling so lost, sad, frustrated, lonely, etc.......................

Here is a big hug!
Sorry if I squash you! You don't need to give him up!! Now, just think on this! Hmm...I will think and get back to you!
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i feel like if im always the one trying to change my work and school schedule around my OW schedule. Kinda frustrating at times. Sorry not much help from me, but wanted to chime in. Good luck.

Allow him to decide. You want to be able to offer him the freedom of making his own decisions. A lot can happen in a year. Even a day. Take it one step at a time, and if you two still feel the same way after the year is up, you can both re-evaluate the situation.

A part me always regretted never being allowed to go away to college. It was something I had wanted, but my strict father forbid it. I'm sure he was doing what he thought was best for his 18 year old daughter at the time, but I could have made my own decisions, and was no flaky kid. I was responsible, because he raised me that way, but then wouldn't let me go. I think there comes a point when you have to know your child well enough, know that you gave them the tools to one day make their own lives, their own mistakes. As a parent, I know we want the best for our kids, and we want to protect them from everything.. the truth is we can't always do that. If my daughter were 17 and wanted to move to be with a 35 year old man.. I wouldn't like it either, and would want her to make some kind of compromise.. such as wait a year or so.. then see. I don't know, I'm not there yet, my lil girl is only 9 now and boys are yucky to her still.. (thank goodness!)

Hope things work out..

Gen

Marcy - - -

I see where you are coming from on this, but ultimately the decision has to be his. If he wants to come over here and go to school and be closer to you, then you should let him do it. If you don't, then you both may always wonder what would have been.

It was during my freshman year at college that I discovered the internet, and how you can fall for someone who lives hundreds of miles away. I never went to meet anyone, let alone live with them...but even with just chatting and talking on the phone, it took up a lot more of my time than I should have let it...long hours and late nights....I've cut back a lot since then, and I'd like to think that if I hadn't spent so much time doing that, I'd be done with school by now....

I don't know if there's really a point to this...just to be careful not to let the relationship take up too much time no matter which path is taken....

The person Im involved with is in school too.

And no way no how would I let him quit it to come be with me.
But.........if he insisted to come here and go to a different school Id be ok as long as he finished what he started and I wasnt responsible to nix his college thing.

The way I feel is Id be willing to foot some bills in order for him to finish as long as upon finishing he was a contributing partner in the relationship financially.

Marcy, I see no reason why your y/m can't come live with you as long as he understands he has to finish his education. The only thing about that is that his parents are not obligated to foot that education.

If my 17 daughter goes across the country for a 35 year old man, I would pull that man aside and make sure he understands that I'm trusting him w/my most precious cargo and should she not finish college while in his care, I'll be coming after him and he doesn't want to mess with MaMa bear...

Friends of mine did this with their daughter, and she's got another year for her masters. Even with a 6 month old on hand.

Paris