Reactions to OM/YW: men vs. women

Having been on all of one formal "date" with K., I haven't gotten around to telling our mutual friends anything yet. (I don't know if he's been talking or not!) If things progress, I'm expecting some sort of lecture from most of the older women we know about making sure I know what I'm getting into, not breaking his heart, etc. The men I'm not expecting to do more than tease us (which they would anyway). Similarly, if things get to the point that I tell my parents, I don't think my father will have a big problem with it, whereas my mother will probably flip.

I'm curious: what kinds of responses have people gotten from male vs. female friends and family regarding their relationships?

Hazel,

I'd have to say you pretty much hit the nail on the head for reactions.
When C and I got together it was mostly the females that had the radar going at 250 MPH and the guys I knew were just more or less patting me on the back and cheering like I'd scored for one the team.

I actually had a couple women that came right out (after saying I'd be hurt) and said "you'd be better off with somebody 'my' age"...wink wink nudge nudge! So Yes the women seemed to have much more of a problem than the guys.

As well it seems to tend to be more of a problem for the 'olders' friends than the 'younger's' friends. C's friends were asking her if she was sure at first but when she said I was who she wanted, they seemed to accept me faster than my older friends who pondered more before finally accepting us.

Again with family......My family accepted faster than hers (who understandably wanted to know she was truely happy and not just being taken advantage of) being much more cautious at first.

Best of luck! I know our experience went pretty well for us, and hope yours goes easy also.

Don

I think I must have been lucky as my friends and family haven't really said anything much about my relationship with P. then again I'm possibly in a different situation as I'm 43 and they feel its my life anyway. The only reactions we've had were when he came over here last year and we were out and about holding hands as couples do. I often saw younger guys looking at us as if to say why was I with P. I look a lot younger than I am apparently. You know what, I just stared right back at them and it was them who looked away first. My family know I'm happy and because I've been treated so badly in the past thats all that matters to them. Now if you were to ask how they felt about me moving away from them sometime in the future that would be another story altogether :D Take care

There was only one person with a huge problem...my ex-roommate. D was her boss....but everyone else is fine :)
I wish you the best of luck :D

We didn't really have any problems at all. His friends pretty much thought he was a stud. :-) My friends were maybe a little dubious when I told them, but when they saw how happy I was, they just accepted it.

The other funny thing was that S was my boss at the time we started dating - most people we worked with either didn't care or said "It's about time!" :-)

I found out recently that his mom was worried at first that I wanted to have children and he wouldn't. But, she likes me a lot - and I like her too.

My parents were fairly dubious at first too, until they met him and my mom said that it was so obvious that he really, really loved me and I was so happy that they just couldn't disapprove.

Good luck to you. Don't worry about it too much at this point. Actually, don't worry about it at all until you actually are telling someone - I mean don't pre-assume how people are going to react. People may surprise you.

Well, the reactions I got from females my age were "Ohhh! He's too old!" "Ohhh! He's going to hurt you."

The reactions I got from women *HIS* age were "Ohhh! He's too old for you. He should be with....someone like....me. Ahem. Ahem." and "Ohhhh! You can't give him what he needs. He should be with....someone like....me. Ahem. Ahem."

The reactions I got from men my age AND his age were "Riiight onnn!"

The reactions HE got from women his age were "She'll hurt you! She can't give you what you need! She'll want BABIES!!!"

It's all pretty funny. Sheesh. I've just decided that anyone who has an adverse opinion generally has ulterior motives. (shrug) I just ignore them.

My friends were all very accepting of it, as was my family after they had a little time to let it soak in. I was scared to death to tell my family, but after I did, I felt so much better about not having to lie anymore or sneak around. A lot of my friends already knew him so they were all really happy for me! Most of his friends were pretty accepting after they saw how happy he was, and he loves to brag about having a young girlfriend, LOL!

I thought by acting very casual about bringing it up with people it would help the 'shock' factor. WRONG!! My older brother flipped, my dad was like, "What?? Huhhh???". But I did share it over the phone, so who knows what they were imagining him to be like. My mom was fine, she got to meet him in person- so that helped, I think because C. is very charming.
But when C. introduces me to people they take double-looks and the women always say, " Ohhhh, she's soooo young!!!!" Like we don't already know this! Gee... thanks for letting me know, I would have never known if it weren't for you! he, he,
O.k. but at first people who I have told are always saying to themselves, "oh, it will never last.... the age diff. will catch up to them". Some of C.'s ex-friends even told C. himself that it would never last. Now that really infuriated me! As time goes by though, people shut-up, they just can't support their predictions of us breaking up over age. So, that to me is the best revenge :-)
Some of my favorites have been (isn't it sad!!) : " Oh, she is just a baby!!" "Why.....he could be your father!!!" "What are you going to do when he is 60 and you are 40??"
Oh!! the killer is when these silly women who want to hit on C. ask him if I am his daughter right in front of me!! Oh, geez... that has got to be the best. I love it because C. Grabs me and kisses me (not like a father by the way) right in front of them and then afterwards asks them what they think. That is great.
The best thing to do is have fun with it; mess with people. If people aren't going to accept it right away, which most people are sceptical in the beginning anyways; just let some time go by and they will realize that it is for real and its not a 'toxic-relationship' like I've been told.

Bella,

it's so great knowing that the two of you have fun with it!

I was only afraid to tell my parents. I lied for a while, but when I came clean, it wasn't that big of a deal. Most of my mom's side of the family has age gaps. My mom was dating a guy 10 years younger...so she knows...;)

Its so nice when you have family members who can understand that age gaps aren't disfunctional like how society makes them out to be :-) I have a cousin who was dating a man older by 25 yrs. But of course, with my luck, it ended up being a horrible relationship, so everyone thinks that was the result of him being so much older. Not true, just a bad apple :-)

Its almost a relief when people can relate or understand my position as a younger woman with an older man. It is a beautiful thing in my eyes! I get excited when I see movies where there are younger wives. I can't think of any movies right now, but I like comparing and analyzing them :-)
I think maybe older women with younger men might get it tougher because it isn't 'as' common. Maybe I'm wrong, but here in Santa Barbara it is more common to see o/m with y/w than the other swap.

And another thing: EMCAD : I love your picture !! I keep trying to get mine on but it won't work! I am so frustrated :-) I need to shrink it or something, I don't know....... :-(

Bella...

I think Older Women do get it worse...I think they are just as common as OM/YW, but are looked at more harshly by the public...that sucks!

Age Gap Movies:

The Graduate
Autumn In New York
My First Mister
How Stella Got Her Groove Back

and that's all I can remember off the top of my head...so yeah.

My great aunt married a man 20 years her junior...she's still alive and kickin', but her husband died years ago on a motorcycle accident. She never remarried, and she still speaks of him like he is the love of her life. It's a beautiful thing. It's sad that not all people can see the beauty of these kinds of releationships.

Tadpole is to but it's reverse... it's an Ym with a OW.........

I never had any problems with comments and stuff..... A few women I've told were kinda stand offish but said as long as I was happy and it works for me then to go for it..... My parents took awhile to get use to but they love him and they gave me to him in marriage so... Love conquers all!!!!! As long as you BOTH believe in that.....

Absolutely, as MerAlove said...

As long as you BOTH believe in that...

And if you don't both believe in it (i.e., that love conquers all), you have to convince the other person to believe in it (LOL)!

And if you don't both believe in it (i.e., that love conquers all), you have to convince the other person to believe in it (LOL)! [/B]


LMAO..... TO FUNNY

LOL...it's almost true! Sometimes you have to tell your OM that it's not what makes everyone else happy...it's what makes YOU happy.

At first everyone wondered. I can't say I blame them. We kept things quiet for a while, and then the news made the gossip circuits. I was new to town, so I’m sure he received more comments than I did.

After initial skepticism, family and friends were won over. He would have had to endure the "once over" by my family regardless of age and previous marriages, but they were fair. He survived, and I am happy to say he is well loved by everyone. His family was equally skeptical and ultimately accepting.

After nine years in a relatively small community, everyone seems to know. I find myself telling new people before they meet C, I think because I don’t want them to be embarrassed by their reactions. Sometimes people think we’re joking!

I think women his age are the ones I notice react negatively. I understand why. Some of them have been left for younger women. A woman C’s age was lamenting her lack of prospects. She said the available men were interested in “young hard bodies,” not women their own age. Research proves her right. I tend to give these women a bit of a break, provided they are not rude. Chances are good I will be in that boat one day!

Now, if you ask C, he will tell you he wishes I was older! When I noticed my first wrinkle, he did a happy dance and said the “wrinkle cream” he used when I was asleep must be working! When asked (usually by men) about our age difference he has been known to claim we are the same age, but I have had lots of plastic surgery!

Meg

Plastic surgery. That's funny.

My husband picked up my oil of olay one day. "Umm age defying? You don't really need this. You already look younger than you are. You want to look like my daughter?"
My response, "Not everyone has kids at 17 ya know!" (He's 15 years older)

We've gone through it all, family, friends, strangers. I don't know why it is such a big issue for people. Still trying to figure that one out.

Yes, it is the women for the most part. Some have a real chip on their shoulder about age gaps. I guess I sort of understand it. In a way I don't. I don't know what the stats are....something about women over 35 not finding a partner. Because all the younger women are taking their men. That's not right. It shouldn't matter who you are with. You're together because you are attracted. Age be damned!

When I was younger all the guys I dated were older with the exception of one. I didn't feel I fit in with men my age. I admit I liked the maturity an older man brought to the relationship. That was not the only reason. At 42 I am still learning and growing. I have matured.(I hope!)

Kind of got off the subject. Off on a tangent. I'm a blonde!

We are past the point of caring what other people think. We do talk about it though. Had this conversation just the other day. I said I love you, not your age. I think that about sums it up.

Originally posted by EMCAD80
Bella...

I think Older Women do get it worse...I think they are just as common as OM/YW, but are looked at more harshly by the public...that sucks!

Age Gap Movies:

The Graduate
Autumn In New York
My First Mister
How Stella Got Her Groove Back

and that's all I can remember off the top of my head...so yeah.

Let's not forget:
"Long Island Lolita"
"Lolita". [LOL]

My problem came a few years ago more from coworkers. Ms. A and I started out as coworkers. She was 20 and I was 37 at the time.

We could sense the hostility from supervisors and coworkers but what ticked us off more was that they all accepted another guy who was 35 and dating a 19 year old coworker. And HE was in a supervisory position, which IMO can become more of a problem for the company.

It's funny because the only grief I get now a days is from people my own age. Some people have a look of awe on their face that truely is priceless...well it's not their life, it's mine and this is the way I choose to live it.

Just thought I'd post an update on the "notification" front: I finally got around to telling my sister (two years younger, and recently married) about K. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So, um, I figured I'd better tell you, so you don't get mad at me later, but I'm sort of dating one of the SCA guys.

Her: Yay! Is he forty? [My pointing out that many of my male friends are quite a bit older and therefore not fodder for speculation (oops!) has become something of a running joke.]

Me: Um, yes.

Her: [very brief pause] That's OK. James [her husband, three years her senior] and I were saying the other day that you'd probably wind up with somebody 25 years older. [Sister knows me better than I do, evidently?]

Me: Well, it's only 18!

So, one family member is cool, and has promised not to enlighten the parents until I do, which is a relief.

I need to ask her what she meant about my "probably" dating someone older, though!

congrads!!! Seemed like that went well!!!!!

Glad to hear it, Hazelnut! It must feel so much better to have it all out in the open.

phew! I'm glad that went over well. Sometimes you just never know how other people will take it, but this sound like a step in the right direction...congrats!