Observations and Laughs

Now that my dog has learned to use my home computer, I'm finding lots of "timely tips" printed out and left all over the house for me to read. This morning's example:


Bathing the Cat and housecleaning


Put both lids of the toilet up and add the required amount of pet
shampoo to the water in the bowl.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid).

The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, research has proven that the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far back as you can, and quickly lift
both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult
times.....

Sincerely,

The Dog

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary
with not much to celebrate. When it came
time to reenact our wedding night, he locked
himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.
He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to
be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually
thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Something must change soon.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on
the market that will fix his "problem". It's called
Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things
will be just like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with
the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than
his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write
whilehe's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun
intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the
manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He
thought they were talking about him. But, have
to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever
been so happy.

Day 8
Think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he
was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can
only take so much. And to make matters worse,
he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like
living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up
this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing
make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing
but he still keeps coming after me! Even
yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak
attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile.
I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun but
this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick
to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near
him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go screw himself and he
did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about
headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I
did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and
going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made
any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just
sits there in front of the TV all day with that
remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him.

What absolute bliss!

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
Gets strangled in strife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Waves his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more A's.

When on Mount Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed,
That s'more.

When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!" eh?

Originally posted by poll_lover


3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Baptists in the liquor store?? Surely you jest!!! Oh yes, this is a joke thread! :P

An old farmer in Georgia had owned his farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond." "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's
(2003) winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very
high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after
finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
asshole.

ROFLMAO!!

Originally posted by Tru
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
So timely! That was me, last night......

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
Ummm, did they happen to include the instructions for this one? :D

Thanks, Tru!

I liked this one too:


7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.


Hey, sounds like the college's technique :p

CHANTING TO MYSELF:

It's only a joke...It's only a joke...It's only a joke....

:P (Funny ..in case you didn't know poll_guy...I am Texan!! :D)

A six year old comes crying to his mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the mother says, "your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Originally posted by poll_lover
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
I think I need a Texan!! :D

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco :

"Next." Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

http://www.funforwards.com/flash/may03/older_women.cfm

I LOVE THAT!!!

the one about San Francisco was too real to be funny, but it was funny.. but too real.

LOL! I know..I am going to marry myself one day though darn it! I will be a good wife and I want the tax benefits! :P

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)



The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)



A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. ("Honey, I’m home. What the %&*^#@@@!!!! )

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig, can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing…)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)

Lorena Bobbitts sister, Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.Theres more....

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband n the upper thigh causing sever muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition
Luella has be charged with one count of
"mis de wiener"

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

Q.How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. What's a light bulb?


Q.How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.


Q: How many country musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, one to do it and four to sing about how much they're going to miss the old one.

Q. How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None-idiots never see the light.

Hope no one takes offense... I'm Catholic after all!

4 catholic mothers are sitting down having coffee and
discussing how important their children are.

The 1st catholic mother says, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room people say, 'Father'"

The 2nd catholic mother says, "My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'"

The 3rd catholic mother says, "Well, not to brag, but
MY son is a cardinal, when HE walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence''
The three catholic mothers look at the 4th catholic mother and say, "Well?"

The 4th catholic mother says, " My son is a 6' 3, hard bodied,
Chippendale male stripper. When HE walks into a room, people say, ''OH MY GOD!"

OMG!!!

LOL @ Gen!:D

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that? Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."

Things you Never Want to Hear -

The first time you and your date are having dinner at your parents. He/She stands up in the middle and says, "Pardon me...I gotta take a dump."

You go to a Doctor's Office: Well, Jim. You will live for another 30 years. But, you'll be bleeding from both eyes at all times.

You come home from work: Honey, remember when we told the kids never to play by the rail Road Tracks?

This is something I never want to hear: I'M PREGNANT, YOU'RE THE FATHER AND I'M GOING TO KILL ALL THREE OF US!!

Calm down...have some dip.

30 Years difference

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly

1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer

1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM

1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian

1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office

1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system

1973: Disco
2003: Costco

1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1973: Passing the driver's test
2003: Passing the vision test

1973: Whatever
2003: Depends

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Choices


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity"

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They are having a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted for us!"



___

HER EULOGY


She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandments to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so! The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right. To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so. Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break. I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how’d all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him? She replied, hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don’t think so!

No Betty Crocker here :D ;)

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......



So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when
in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right
man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.



And................Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes,and it's up to women to stomp the ***** out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

Monkey See...Monkey....DO?

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just crapped my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”

Tru sent me this link and I just had to post it...

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

He'll do whatever you tell him to do, within reason...

Tell him to play dead? He will! Sort of!
Have him hit himself over the head...
Hop on one leg
Do the Funky Chicken...

He's your personal chickie Slave!

CRACK DAT WHIP, BAYYYBEEEE!!!

LOL! That is funny!

Hope this one wasn't posted before:

Young vs Old Rooster


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farm house young rooster has closed the gap.

He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "That's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell and why is abbreviation such along word.
>
> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."
>
> Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
>
> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
>
> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>
> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
> Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

LOL! Those are funny Gen!

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said
that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell
flat
on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured
he'd
crawl outside, get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
crawl
the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled
through
the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more
time to stand up. This time he
managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
and
was sound
asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"
What
makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Ladies vs. Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."


Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?


Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying your butt on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate the sonofa***** for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over cra p, so I don't do it.


Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??


A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"


__________________

The Way Children See Things!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

(LadyinGreen sent this to me)

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each,
for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance
classes.

****

There is no access to fast food.

****
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

****

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them and there is NO REMOTE

*****
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply
themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

*****
They must attend weekly PTA meetings;

*****

clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.;

*****

make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla
and one marker;

*****

and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

*****

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

*****

The last man wins ........only if ..............he has enough
energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

*****

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again

for the next 18-25 years ...eventually earning the right to be called

**************
***"Mother."***
***************

*LOL* That's good, Tru!

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we make love," the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. 0n closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned "private" parts into glaringly public ones. Everything between his legs was exposed by the short legs of his shorts. Unable to stand the embarrassment any longer, she dutifully stepped forward and -- leaning down -- quickly put her hand UP his shorts and proceeded to “tuck everything back into place.”

On getting back up on her feet, she looked across the hood and was shocked when she found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have ten stitches in his forehead.

These were submissions to The Globe Challenge (Toronto Globe & Mail) for subjects not yet targeted by greeting-card companies.

Wonderful that you fell for our scam.
Makes it worthwhile to send all that spam.

You're giving the world an anatomy lesson.
Please close the blinds when you're undressin'.

You missed my wedding, dearest mother.
Not to worry: There'll be another.

So sad to hear your husband's fate,
But call me when you need a date.

Your pony lost and you did, too.
Don't make Vito come for you.

Sorry you failed your driving test.
We've seen you on the road -- it was probably best.

A virus was found. You were not immune.
Your hard drive is toast. Get well soon!

Welcome to some thrilling adventures:
Corn on the cob with your new dentures.

I burgled your house. I admit I'm at fault.
But I shouldn't have guzzled your best single malt.

Your child has broken every rule.
Enjoy his three-day break from school.

On the occasion of your 100th Botox injection,
Continued good luck in your quest for perfection.

Next time you need help in building a shelf,
Please remember the phrase is "do it yourself".

We vowed to stay wed through thick and thin.
Well, let's put it to the test -- my mom is moving in.

http://www.funnygreetings.com/funpages/view.cfm/2216

Subject: Left Brain Right Brain

This is one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.

LOL that is so wierd - I thought I had it, til I realised which direction my foot was going :p

Letter to Send to People Who Won't Hire You

[Date Today]

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable
to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your
firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in
receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find
that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this
time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your
firm immediately following graduation. I look forward
to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

LOL! That is funny Dan!

woah, sweet! I found a picture of Joe, aged about 5!!!


















































http://www.glenelg-inn.com/milk.jpg

This has probably been posted before (but I'm not searching 24 pgs to check!!) and it's been one of those weeks at work.....

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the f@$k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber Than a Box of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking your *** in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? [I actually get away with this one....]

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

===============

Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin
and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh
cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?! " His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast in on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

Jason told me this joke when I was there, and I found it so so cute, I gave him a big kiss!

Isn't this the sweetest thing? :)

Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What happened?!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks /SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, *****!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!!"

from's my college daughter's profile....

LIFE is all about ***-

you're either....

coverin it...
hidin it....
kissin it...
haulin it....

or just plain trying to get motivated to get OFF it=)

Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on bench during break.

One turns to the other asking,"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

If anyone finds this offensive please let me know and i'll delete it.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,...

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Subject: Men and Women!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile..

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

================

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages
of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you
was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her û
believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,
ôWill this matter one year from now?ö
How about one month?
One week?
One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just
might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your
bedpan.

If you've got melted chocolate
all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
~~~~~~~~~

Chocolate covered raisins,
cherries, orange slices &
strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
~~~~~~~~~~

The problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diet tip:

Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your
appetite and you'll eat less.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nice box of chocolates can
provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place.
Isn't that handy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't eat all your chocolate,
it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If calories are an issue,
store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and
they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Money talks. Chocolate sings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is there no such organization
as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

If not for chocolate, there
would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd give up chocolate, but I don't want to!!!
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of
your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

There were 2 male canaries just sitting in a cage, when one day the door opened and a female canary was tossed in... She hated being in the cage and flew circles inside trying to find a way out.

One male canary looked at the other and said "Hey watch this" He called to the female..."Hey I know how to get out of here" she flew over and and begged him to tell her... He said, "Meet me at the bottom of the cage." So she flew down to where he was waiting and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell you." Being desperate to escape she gave him some birdie sex....only to be told when they were done, "Ha!! Theres no way out of here!!" He flew up and high winged the other male....

Two days later the female was still trying to find a way out when the other male called to her and said, "Hey I feel sorry for you!! Meet me at the bottom of the cage and I'll tell you how to get out. So...she flew down and he said, "Gimme some and I'll tell ya."By this time she was distraught and willing to do anything, so she gave him some birdie sex....only to be told, "Ha! Dummy theres no way out of here!"

That night the cage was covered and the female was still looking for escape.... The next morning the cover came off and to the astonishment of the male canaries the female was flying circles around the OUTSIDE of the cage!!!!!

Do you know how she got out????

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GIMME SOME AND I'LL TELL YA!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom."You know what?" says the 6 year old."I think it's about time we start cussing". The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues."When we go downstairs for breakfast,I'm going to say"hell" and you say "***". "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast."Aw,hell mom,I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair,slides across the kitchen floor,gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out,with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear every step.The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs,looks at the 4 year old,and asks with a stearn voice,"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know", he blubbers,"But you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios!"

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

..............................

...........................

...........................

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

OMG, that’s hilarious, LOL@ Katrina, thanks for the big laugh today!!!!

Let's face it, English is a crazy language. Four All Who Reed and Right

Well begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculin pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

:p

Southern Attorneys

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a@@es in jail for contempt."

LMAO Salt!:D

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next threedays on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

I'll start...Jesus and the devil are arguing about who the computer has served more. The argument then turned to who was better with computers. "I'm better!" said the devil. "I think you will find that I actually am." replied Jesus.

Finally, God was tired of hearing all of the bickering, and said "we'll have a contest to see who's better." God then orderd Jesus and the devil to each sit infront of their computers, and start typing the Bible. After hours of typing, the power goes out.

Once the power came back, the devil is flipping out trying to retype what he lost. Jesus slowly and calmly turns on his computer, and begins to print his bible.

The devil gets angry and wonders how he finished so fast. God then came down, and said "Jesus Saves."

Well if you want to send me pics you can...but I probably won't be interested man...I'm a dude. LOL. NO worries...or offense...I'm just a sarcastic guy. Later man...

Miscommunication apparently here gentlemen! There is already a joke thread here Anisotropika. Jlojsuperman was just providing you with a link to that joke thread. Kinda funny though!

That was a very funny joke...but what I thought was funnier is when Anisotropika read the signature, and took it literal and personal:D

I got a joke....
(lets see if I tell it right))

there is this guy who has a parrot...and he works very long hours everyday...one day, he gets home from work and checks his mail...he gets his phone bill...it is for over $500 , he sees it has long distance calls , which he could not have possibly made...so he is suspiscious as to whom is making these calls during the time he is at work...so he puts a surveilance camera in his home.
he watches the tape , and sees it is his parrot making the calls..he is angry at the bird, and pins him by his wings on the wall...well, this guy is religious . and has a christ on the cross in the same room...the bird looks over at the christ and says..."so, how long have you been hanging there?" the Christ says, "Over 2000 years" then the bird asks,"where did you call?"

There was this Jewish kid who kept failing math. His parents finally decide to put him in a Catholic school. After his first month, his grades jumped from C's to A+'s. His parents asked him what it was that caused such a dramatic jump in his grades. The kid replied: "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business."

Law of Mechanical Repair: (or Baking)
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch.


Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,you never get an engaged
one.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work because
you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a
flat tyre.


Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.


Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone
rings.


LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen
with.


LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.


LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
the reach.



THEATRE RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
the aisle arrive last.


LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss (child, mate, friend)will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

“Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Dang it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

That's hilarious, Jay's Love! :p

ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food".

She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car".

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga
luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car." "So, we go to club car."

"While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, "No smokina disa car. Musta go to smoking car."

"We go to smoking car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

"Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go "boom-ada boom-ada" and the conductore, he walka through da car shouting at da top of hisa voice, "Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over
the bed.

With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I
eloped with my new boyfriend.

I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing
and tattoos and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we
will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to
have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all
the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll
pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better,
he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take
care of myself.

Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer...

I love you!

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. He turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *****?"

Subject: New Wine at Walmart


Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample
a new discount item:
Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain teamed up
with Ernest & Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA to produce the spirit at an
affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not
throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is
a market for cheap wine. Kathy Mace, professor of marketing at Roger
William's University in Bristol, R.I. says, "The right name is important."
So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Walmart wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Cant Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Reisling

And the number one name for Walmart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials, and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like...
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.



God is like...
a FORD
He's got a better idea.



God is like...
COKE
He's the real thing.



(This is great)



God is like...
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.



God is like...
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.



God is like...
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.



God is like...
SEARS
He has everything.



God is like...
ALKA-SELTZER!
Try him, you'll like Him.



God is like...
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.



God is like...
DELTA
He's ready when you are.





God is like...
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.



God is like...
VO-5! Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.





God is like...
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?



God is like...
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."

That's it for tonight! too many in a row and I am posting too fast.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

LMAO

LOL Salt!

You always have the good jokes!:p

not sure if anyone has seen this one b4 a friend sent it to me :)



Subject: Cussing


Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know
what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When
we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and
you
say something with '*****'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When
their mother
walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for
breakfast, he replies, "Aww, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room
and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then
comes
back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And
what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ***** it won't be Cheerios.

FIXING OLD AGE

> The surgeon told a patient about a new procedure called "The Knob",
>where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be
tuned
>to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of
>course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the
>woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman
>remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman
returned
>to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been
>working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always
>loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I
>have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them."

>The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
>your breasts."

>She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about
20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,
"The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED"

now i needed a laff desperatly this morning! those were good!
LOL

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants
a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying
that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" ---Her money was refunded.

Originally posted by brokenfairy2573
now i needed a laff desperatly this morning! those were good!
LOL

Your welcome! I have days like that too... :D

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels! Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Hey Salt, Raveness, and others who posted jokes recently, I found the Observations and Laughs thread and merged your jokes into it.

Originally posted by whiterose
Hey Salt, Raveness, and others who posted jokes recently, I found the Observations and Laughs thread and merged your jokes into it.

I was wondering where this thread had gotten to.

Originally posted by SaltwaterBlues
I was wondering where this thread had gotten to.

Well I hope we keep it going strong now that it is found........I as well as others could really use some good laughs for pick me ups. :D

I got this in a email yesterday and it just cracked me up.

http://www.imgbucket.com/18/image001.jpg

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up B itch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And your saying that this B itch here is giving you a hard time!?"

http://img115.exs.cx/img115/2255/gandrolf.gif

A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she did,
not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group of
witches searching for a love potion.

They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was highly
unethical to administer a potion to someone without her permission.

They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small white
pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight for a month.

He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful. Wonderful
news! He and the young lady were to wed in a month!

One of the witches told him, . . .

"Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried say it
best."

Do you remember William Hung? He was the Asian guy who sang "She Bangs" on
American Idol earlier this year. Anyway, I just heard that he is coming out
with a new CD for the holiday season. The CD will be called: "Hung for
Christmas".

Hung for Christmas is something I'm sure every wife wants for their
husbands. Whether they see him swinging by the neck from the rafter, or he
walks into the bedroom more well endowed than he was previously, Hung for
Christmas is sure to be a hit.

3 guys are hanging out in the hot tub. One is german, one is japanese, and one is a redneck.

After a while the german's hand beeps and he holds it up to his face for a moment. The others look quizical....

"Oh, I had voice mail. I have a chip in my hand."

Little while later, the japanese guy's hand beeps and he holds it up to his face. The other two look quizical......

"Oh, sorry. I was just paged. I have a chip in my hand."

After a while, and a few drinks, the redneck goes to the bathroom. When he returns, the other two look at him funny, as he has toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The redneck looks at his behind and sees the toilet paper.

"Oh!" he replies. "I'm getting a fax."

2 kids are sharing a hospital room. One asks the other what he is in for.

He says "I'm here for a tonsilectomy".

"That's not so bad" the other boy says. "I had one when I was 6. It was not so bad. I was asleep for it. And I got to eat lots of icecream."

"So, what are you here for?"

"I'm here for a circumcision."

"Oh! I had one of those when I was born and couldn't walk for a year."

:D

LMAO

http://img124.exs.cx/img124/7403/ComputerTechnologyforDummies.jpg

Awww... that is so funny angel puff!:p

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father
could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play<