Observations and Laughs

We all get those observations and jokes in our e-mail. Post yours here! We can always use a laugh!


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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The other easy way to find something lost around the house is to blame someone else for taking it. You will find it...right where YOU put it.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit,then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Thoughts for a Friday..... Give a person a fish
and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
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AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists-- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Subject: Husband Shopping Mall

A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.
There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once.
Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor.
If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the
building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door says:



Floor 1:

These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says:




Floor 2:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely
good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"


The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up! And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:



Floor 4:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia)"But just think...what must be awaiting me further up?"
So up to the fifth floor she goes.



The sign on that door says:




Floor 5:

This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping.

Have a nice day!

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,

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in a land far away

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a beautiful, independent,

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self-assured princess

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happened upon a frog as she sat,

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contemplating ecological issues

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on the shores of an unpolluted pond

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in a verdant meadow near her castle.

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The frog hopped into the princess' lap

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and said: Elegant Lady,

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I was once a handsome prince,

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until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

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One kiss from you, however,

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and I will turn back

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into the dapper, young prince that I am

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and then, my sweet, we can marry

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and setup housekeeping in your castle

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with my mother,

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where you can prepare my meals,

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clean my clothes, bear my children,

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and forever

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feel grateful and happy doing so.

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That night,

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as the princess dined sumptuously

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on a repast of lightly sautied frog legs

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seasoned in a white wine

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and onion cream sauce,

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she chuckled and thought to herself:

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I don't think so.

Our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said," I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I
didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Funny Bumper Stickers:

1. I don't know what you're problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!

2. How about never? Is never good for you?

3. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

4. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

5. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

7. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

8. You! Off my planet!

9. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

10. Errors will be made. Others will be blamed.

11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

12. Allow me to introduce myselves.

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

15. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again.

20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet!

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A blonde sees a pony, and decides that once and for all, she's going to get on it and learn to ride. She climbs on, puts her feet in the stirrups, takes a hold of the reigns, and the pony starts to move. As the pony gets going, she grabs a hold of the saddle horn. She starts losing her grip, and is sliding sideways from the saddle. She slides more, and is dangerously close to falling off, but she's still holding on, her head banging on the stirrup.

Finally, the Wal-Mart guy comes over and turns off the machine.

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
A human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
__________________________________________________ ____
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused! and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

__________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of family)answered,"Thou shall not kill." __________________________________________________ ___
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of Your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, ! "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or un happy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" __________________________________________________ __
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
Trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
__________________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
__________________________________________________ ____
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
Elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large
pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Tru I laughed a LOT but especially at the what if he goes to hell, then you ask him . Wish I had something to share, they are mostly computer geek jokes.

I've seen this one before, but it's a good one, and worth reading
again...

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement
in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of
art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to
Raphael.

They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a
knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his
hands.

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your
son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety
when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often
talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know
this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have
wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son,
painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had
captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the
eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and
offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your
son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time
visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait
of his son before he showed them any
of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great
auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over
seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for
their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer
pounded his gavel.
"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who
will bid for this picture?"

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to
see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this
painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this
painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts.
Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son!
Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was
the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the
painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?"

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture
of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their
collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD
for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on
with the collection!"

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction
is over."

"What about the paintings?"

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I
was told of a secret stipulation in the will.
I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until
this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned.
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the
paintings.

Finally a point system men can understand! For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed............................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...........-2

You leave the toilet seat up............-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty........+5

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the rain.............................+8

but return with beer..................-1

and no pads.......................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+1

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron...................+10

It's her cat.......................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school
drinking buddy............................................. ...-2

Named Tiffany........................................... ......-5

Tiffany is a dancer....................................-10

With breast implants.................................-20

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............... +1

You buy a card and flowers.................... +2

You take her out to dinner.................... +5

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+5

Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-20

And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-30

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team.............................-50

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal......................... 0

The pal is happily married.........................+1

The pal is single.................................-10

He drives a Ferrari...................................-20

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....................+2

You take her to a movie she likes.............................+5

You take her to a movie you hate..............................+8

You take her to a movie you like..............................-5

It's called Death Cop III....................................-10

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.......................-11

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...............................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."............-1000

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....................-10

You reply, "Where?.......................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....................-100

Any other response..........................................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned _expression................+1

You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear
her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".................-100

You have fallen asleep.....................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk.............................................. ....-100

You don't talk..........................................-150

You spend time with her..........................-200

You don't spend time with her..................-500

You are seen to be enjoying yourself....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

I howled over the guys' point system! I read most of it to Robin. His pissy reply was: "Yeah, a guy does something for himself and gets punished for it!" Boo hoo, whiny butt! :D But so much of that was us, especially the movie one and the going out to dinner one. :D

Attorneys:

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Tru, those are HILARIOUS!!
you haven't emailed me all those yet.. ive been laughing for at least 10 minutes straight!! love you!

I am compiling all he writes...he is gifted, if I do say so myself! :)

And they call some of these people "retarded"...A few years ago,
at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or
mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At
the gun, they all started out not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to
run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy
who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began
to cry.
The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked
back.
Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them.

One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said,
"This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to
the finish line.
Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for
several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why?
Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is
more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others
win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. If you
pass this on, we may able to change our hearts as well as someone else's.
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"

WOMEN
They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up for injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all SIZES, in all colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

WOMEN MONTH IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.


We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

Nick the Dragon Slayer
> >
> > Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing
> > obsession
> > to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
> > but
> > he knew the penalty for this would be death. One
> > day he
> > revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
> > the
> > Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio
> > the
> > Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick
> > the
> > Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
> > cost him
> > 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick
> > the
> > Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
> >
> > The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of
> > itching powder and poured a little bit into the
> > Queen's
> > brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
> > the
> > itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
> > summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
> > incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King
> > and
> > Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
> > four hours,
> > would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
> > shown that
> > only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work
> > as the
> > antidote to cure the itch.
> >
> > The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
> > Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer
> > the antidote for the itching powder, which he
> > quickly put it
> > into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
> > worked
> > passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
> > magnificent
> > breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
> > relieved, and
> > Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as
> > a hero.
> >
> > Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer
> > found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
> > 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
> > Nick
> > the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and
> > knowing
> > that Horatio the Physician could never report this
> > matter
> > to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
> >
> > The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
> > massive
> > dose of the same itching powder into the King's
> > loincloth.
> > The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer...
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills

I am bad with jokes, in English it's even worse.

Okay, so this guy enters a bar in a hurry, goes to the counter and asks the barman:

"A double whiskey, please".

He drinks it in two seconds.

"Another double whiskey, please." And he swallows it even faster than the first time.

The barman smiles and says, "Wow, are you celebrating something?"

"Yes, my first blowjob".

"That's really a good reason to celebrate. Here, have another one on the house!!"

The guy says "Oh no, thanks. The taste is gone."

One Liner's from the great George Carlin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

:D :D :D :D :D

Here's a joke for ya'll as I sit here at work and actually do a bit of work...

Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with Mr. Jones, when all of the sudden her husband came home. Surprised that he was home so early, she quickly told Mr. Jones to stand in the corner, then she covered him with cold cream and patted him down with some talc she had on her dresser.

Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying naked in bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of sex with her husband. After a long day at work, he is refreshed by this site, so he disrobes and climbs on for a great ride.

After they finish having sex, he asks her, "Dear, what is that in the corner?" "Well," starts Mrs. Smith, "It's a statue! It's the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down the street has one just like it, so I wanted one too!" Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with this answer so he closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he prepares 2 sandwiches and brings them back to the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he walks over to the statue and hands one of the sandwiches to Mr. Jones. "Here buddy," says Mr. Smith, "I stood like an idiot at the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!"

Makes You Think

01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

06. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

07. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

08. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

09. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

I got this from a friend:

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions

10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a
combination of both

9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft
candidates' responses

8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall
and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole
place blows up

7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second
clip from "Terminator"

6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"

5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil

4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee,
plus 10 percent of box office gross

3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno

2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"

1. Arnold must win

-courtesy of Late Show with David Letterman

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@Uwillnotwin.com
Elvis-the-King@iseedeadpeople.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries
with
that.

5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten
over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

10) Don't use any punctuation

11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
answer.

13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

14) Sing along at the opera.

15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle
sounds
all day.

17) Five days in advance,tell your friends you can't attend their
party
because you're not in the mood.

18) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.

19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I
Won!""3rd
time
this week!!!"

20) When leaving the zoo,start running towards the parking lot,
yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

21) Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going
to
have
to let one of you go."

and the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book

One of my favorite sayings...

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things... like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman... stuff you pay good money for in later life.

*winks at a certain someone*...*LOL*

~Dan

Walking On Course
==================

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,
along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This is funny! Never under estimate the little old Mexican Lady.....

A little old Mexican lady went into the Wells Fargo Bank of
El Paso, Texas one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered
her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag
onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have Wells Fargo Bank of El Paso, Texas president's balls in my hand."

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.

"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday," the agent said, "so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer."

A couple of weeks after their windfall trip, the little old lady came into his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday ?" the agent asked.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely." she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling
through the sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a
sudden, he sees anobject sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it
and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing
an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You
have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions: What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And.......,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard
work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you
there,
Bull**** and *** kissing will put you over the top

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Originally posted by sonicdash
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

WHY NOT READ THE NEWS ON CNN.COM?

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

THAT'S BETTER THAN SOME TYPING I DO ONE HANDED :D

3) I will get dressed before noon.

ONLY MONDAY THOUGH FRIDAY UNLESS I AM STLL UP FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

THINKING???? WE CAN CONTOL OUR THOUGHTS???

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I WOULD NOT CHOSE TO HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT.. FAMILY? WELL I DON'T KNOW

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

SEE #5

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

I CAN READ ARTICLES ONLINE

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

THANKS TO THE WEB THERE IS NO ONE AROUND ME

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I DON'T WATCH TV, I'M ONLINE

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

HMMM.... CAN'T RELATE

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

I DO MY BANKING ONLINE

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

THIS IS A HORRIBLE HOAX, YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLEEP

Dr. Seuss Computer Manual
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Sonic you don't live at Heartbreak Hotel do you?

I need to come up with a clever location like you guys.

I am in the IT department at work so I saw this some time ago and loved it so much I taped it to my monitor. Which caused gauss or something :D

There was another one, if I can find it. It was computer Haikus.

I am the blue screen of death.
No one hears your screams.

Stuff like that. It was so funny.

Who is that little guy Sonic. He is so cute. And how do you and BadDreamer know each other? Don't believe a word she tells you about me.

Oh swan,
The caricature is Mr.. Gumby of Monty python fame

I have been a friend of dreamer and her family for more years than I can remember, and she only has nice things too say about you.

I been reading your post for so long you seem like a friend too me as well. Keep them coming I love it.
:)

Barbie's Demands
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties. I
hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better
be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 2004 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro
crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA

Haiku Computer Error Messages

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.


-- David Dixon
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?


-- David Carlson
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...


-- Owen Mathews
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


-- Peter Rothman
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again


-- Chris Walsh
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.


-- Barry L. Brumitt
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?


-- Pat Davis
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.


-- David J. Liszewski
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.


-- Charlie Gibbs
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.


-- Rik Jespersen
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.


-- Suzie Wagner
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.


-- Jason Axley
- - - - - - - - - - - -
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.


-- Charles Matthews
- - - - - - - - - - - -
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault


-- Nick Sweeney
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.


-- Mike Hagler
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


-- Simon Firth
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.


-- Howard Korder
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.


-- Bill Torcaso
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist


-- Joy Rothke
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down


-- David Ansel
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.


-- James Lopez
- - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge


-- Rahul Sonnad
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that


-- Margaret Segall
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy


-- Brian M. Porter
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


-- Cass Whittington
- - - - - - - - - - - -
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?


-- Jim Griffith
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal


-- Jennifer Jo Lane
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.


-- Francis Heaney
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.


-- Judy Birmingham
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.


-- Jason Willoughby
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."


-- Len Dvorkin
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.


-- Craig Smith?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
control, alt, delete
digital hari-kiri
three-fingered salute


-- Chuck Powell

http://www.innergeek.us/geek.html

very cool test. I am very very geeky but I foget what they called it on the test. I will have to take it again.

Thanks for the haikus swan

And the geek test I always suspected but never knew

My score: 43.19527% - Major Geek

I'll take it this evening and let you know. I Think I was major geek too.

19.72387% - Geek:eek: EEK!

SaltWater, that is BARELY geek. Didn't you used to run a computer store or something?

Originally posted by swanqueen
SaltWater, that is BARELY geek. Didn't you used to run a computer store or something?

LOL... most of the computer people I dealt with were not geek. But sure did have some real geek customers.

37.27811% - Major Geek

BOO HOO, I thought I was Geekier.

I will go back through the test and do something to make me geekier. This is humiliating.

43.58974% - Major Geek
that was my score..I will try again laters

Addicted to the Web
Sung To The Tune Of "Winter Wonderland."

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

50.69034% Super geek :D

Gawd help me when I get into Uni LMAO

Toughest Questions
Here are the correct answers to the 5 hardest and most often incorrectly answered questions a female may ask you.

The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know, " Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear, " said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, " said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright, " said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see, " said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really, " said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear, " said the husband. "She is left-handed."

Humor - The Gender of a Computer

Why women consider computers to be masculine:
- To get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
-They are supposed to help you solve problems. But half the time
they're the problem.
-As soon as you commit to one you realize, had you waited longer, you could have had a better model.

Now for the flip side:

Why men consider computers to be feminine:
-No one but the creator understands their logic.
-The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-As soon as you make a commitment to one, you spend half your salary on accessories for it.

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True telephone story!


An elderly lady with a dog called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to
ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring
her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then
the telephone did ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain
and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the
ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

Penis Death

An old man, Mr. Smith, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Barton asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, nurse," said Mr. Smith, " my penis died today and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, " oh I'm sorry, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Smith was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas.

Nurse Barton said, "Mr. Smith you shouldn't walk down the hall like this. Please put your penis back in your pajamas."

"But Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Smith, I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

This is what a computer is supposed to do!
Click on the link below and then type in your first name...

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

That is great!!!! I am so easy....even flattery from a computer is good for me!

1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.........Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach?..............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were in a diet.......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone.............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight.......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning this automobile................Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive....................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

Q: How many cops does it take to get a suspect downstairs?

A: None, he fell

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Psychiatric Hot Line

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and we know what you want; just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic - listen carefully - and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If this is an emergency and you require the care and guidance of a highly-skilled, trained professional, you are out of luck because they were all cut back or forced out. However, if you are willing to hold, one of our cross-trained, multi-skilled, team members will be happy to serve you as best as they can after he or she gets finished scrubbing the floor.

funny quotes from court


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the victim?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
> > > >of her life, finally retired.
> > > >
> > > >At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
> > > >of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
> > > >
> > > >As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
> > > >wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
> > > >
> > > >"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills!"
> > > >
> > > >"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
> > > >
> > > >"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
> > > >that could possibly help you sleep!"
> > > >
> > > >She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
> > > >
> > > >"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and
> > > >mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
> > > >drinks...
> > > >
> > > >And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
> >

NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

SEX C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache!" syndrome.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble.

I need some Damitol and Flipitor! (PMS) :D

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I took Buyagra and came back with two pairs of earrings yesterday. It works. I feel much better.

I'm just worried about the side effects, my nightmares were terrible after that. All with B., my ex. http://www.cutegifs.blogger.com.br/minicute184.gif


Are these side effects? What do you think, colleagues? Do you concur? ;)

WOW! How did I miss Buyagra?? I need to take a double dose as I am feeling really sad and need to feel better fast! It is either that or eat more...I can't stop thinking about food!!


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THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR

Hehe, I wore a Guess top for the Ageless London Meeting...

Nobody said implants, I guess I'm safe. Or was it that bad? :D

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Here's one for ya'll:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the 3rd grade too!

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer:

Harry: Bubble gum

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Yeah, but fire truck is not a word. It's two. :p

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Too late, baby, we are all in here with you...

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.

"Be mindful that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect...also remember...
Money talks, Chocolate sings."

I was driveing home from work and noticed a sign .I had seen these signs before but it just struck me as odd this time.The sign read "gard rail damage ahead".I couldnt help but think "Oh no I'll have too rely on my own driveing skills too keep me on the road !!"

Originally posted by sonicdash
I was driveing home from work and noticed a sign .I had seen these signs before but it just struck me as odd this time.The sign read "gard rail damage ahead".I couldnt help but think "Oh no I'll have too rely on my own driveing skills too keep me on the road !!"

LOL! Remind me to drive if I am ever in a car with you! hehe

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Hey, it's yuk yuk McShues here...

Here's a Friday joke for you. No, it's not a joke about Friday, it's a joke told on Friday....

*LOL*

One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzle officer demanded to know how that could be.

The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

She could find the cure for cancer.

Plus a guy can say in all honesty, "I really AM attracted to your mind".

Ok, this is an old one but it still makes me laugh - a guy who wears nothing but cellophane wrapped around his body walks into a shrinks office for help. The Dr. takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts".

Yes, humor never takes a break...

It's Halloween Translation time...

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you jog without a bra.

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee

Did you see me on my web cam Dan?? Oh, I know...it is your magical powers at work!!!


LOL! Those were cute!

P.S. John-311 Funny reply!!

Babes: nice one...lol NOTE: she is blonde. ;)

Sent to me by LadyInGreen :)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey?...what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money,"
she replied.
______________________
He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said, "Well...you succeeded."
______________________
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."
_____________________
He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
----------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb....
----------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion
30 years younger.......

Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-------------------------------------------
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

________________________________
Lena folded Ole's underwear and put them in the drawer. The next morning he took a pair out and, shaking the powder out of them, said, "Lena, I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my underwear."
Lena replied, "That isn't powder. It's Miracle Grow."




.

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!",
he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table
and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big
bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!,"he roars. Momma Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to
go through this with you idiots? It was
Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear
who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear
who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night, and put everything
away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the
cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma
Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear
who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that
you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this
one more time.

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!

Funny Jokes: Weird Sex Laws
(I wonder how many of these are true!)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from lo