Some advice please !!!

Hi everyone, I havent been around much because my life has been so busy lately! Hopefully I can come on more often because I really need to talk to some positive people and you are all so great from what I read. Let me update everyone, I am 24 and he is 45...We have been together for 10 months and we recently got engaged !! So anyways, my friends werent always the most supportive of my relationship with my OM, and my parents have been so great believe it or not, isnt it usually the other way around? He and I never really went out with my friends because of conflicting schedules and because everyone has been doing their own things with their own lives, so they never had the chance to get to know the real him. So when I told them the news, they were "happy for me" but you could tell it wasnt real. So i find out through other people that my friends are saying things behind my back about us and how it wont work out , how nice right?. When confronted they say they are only looking out for me because he is older...Now how do you look out for someone by talking behind their back? Should'nt something be said to their face? My question is, how do I go about planning my wedding? I mean these are the girls that I wanted as my bridesmaids. But on the other hand I feel like if they arent happy for me then why should I have them in my wedding? Do you think they will be eventually? And also how did introduce , or spend time with your friends along with your OM? Was it awkward ? Thanks guys, I hope to hear from someone soon !! :D

Can you be open and honest with your friends? One of my "best friends" in particular gave me SUCH a hard time about B. She just *knew* he was a "player" and was going to break my heart. When he turned out NOT to be that way, she found something else to fuss about....then something else.

Finally, I sat her down and said "Look. We've been together for over a year. He isn't going anywhere, you know? So just be happy for me! Don't I seem happy? I mean, I don't berate you for going out to bars and having a different boyfriend every week, do I?? You're happy for yourself....I'm happy for you!!!"

Putting it in perspective like that made her laugh and we have come to an understanding. SHE may never want to be with a man 20 years her senior, but *I* don't want to be a run around Sue waiting for men my age to "grow up!" LOL.

Just be candid and loving with your friends. If they are young (and maybe not as mature as you are) they may think that their remarks are "protective" of you rather than hurtful. Tell them how much you love them and then ask them how comfortable they would be standing by you. Be prepared for their honesty, though! It may not be what you want to hear!!! And if they don't like it, then tell them you are sorry they feel that way (and still loving them in your heart) move on.

You don't need a huge bridal party to have a wedding. In fact, when (if) I marry B (long engagement, folks) it will be just the two of us and an official somewhere intimate and private and very meaningful. Of course, I've been married before and I had the big fantasy wedding. LOL. So, elopement is an easy thing for me to suggest! So...take back the elopement idea!!! I don't want to rob you of your own BIG DAY! LOL.

Good luck and sending lots of love your way!

Happy

You know what, youre right! You made me feel 100% better. Its good to have some supportive feedback. Its true I dont even want a huge bridal party. Its sad because if they do disagree with it to the point where they wont be involved, then it will be their total loss, not mine! I realized in this relationship that I cant always make everyone happy, but at least I know that I am happy. If they dont want to join in my happiness then oh well!! Thank you so much for your advice, I appreciate it so much! Also eloping has crossed my mine, at least it will be honest !!
I like your comment on how you dont berate your friend on how she spends her nights out, because I found myself thinking the same thing about one of my friends. If shes safe and it makes her happy --then so be it, its not me however. I will like you said have to be open and honest with them. I will update you when it happens!!! Thanks so much! How is your relationship going??

who needs them??? You don't need bridesmaids or anything.. all that matters if you both show up... If they can't understand and just be happy for you than they aren't really your friends.. your TRUE friends will come around.. Plan around them and if they decide to be part of it then ok... If not that is there loss and THEY will regret it you won't... You explain to them how you feel and that you won;t tolorate anything negitive said about your fiance or you and about your relationship that this is your decision and what you want ... if they truely care about you they will respect you.. if not then who cares they aren't worth it...

Congrads and Good luck...

I just married my OM i am 28 and he is 45 On august 30th and I love him more than ever and I have my families support and that's ALL I need..

Here's something I don't understand about women: can someone explain to me why brides always choose such ugly bridesmaid dresses?

Cupid,

I have the same problem with my friends right now.... (im 19 and he's 41) and all my "19-20" yearold friends sit and make fun of the relationship and talk about it behind my back. They sit there and say he's "old enough to be my far, and they even go as far as to call him a pedofiller".....

I have come to realized I don't need these people in my life, and that if they can't support my desicions in life, then they arent really friends. I have sat and cried about this issue, but I have come to realize I don't need them, and that if they were TRUE friends they would be there for me...

My best advice is just to hang in there...... and congradulations on your upcomming wedding!! :}

My advice to Cupid215 and others in a similar predicament is to bone up on celebrity couples who have successful age-gapped relations. You can start conveniently at my http://www.crispian.demon.co.uk/index4htm and go on if desired to many more cases and some summaries of the overall picture at http://www.crispian.demon.co.uk/index4bhtm. Once you're reasonably confident you have found some encouraging cases, try them out on your sceptical friends.

Here are some of the more spectacular unions -- though I can't be sure they were/are all happy and successful.
QUARTER-CENTURY-GAPPED COUPLES
Woody Allen x Soon-yi Previn (43-year gap)
King Willem III of the Netherlands (1817-1890) x Princess Emma of Waldeck and Pyrmont (1858-1934) (41-year gap)
Rupert Murdoch x Wendy Deng (37-year gap)
Eric Dolphy x Zsa Zsa Padilla (36-year gap)
Pablo Picasso x Dora Maar (30-year gap)
Nelson Mandela x Grace Simbine Machel (30-year gap)
Miguel, Duke of Bragança (1802-1866) x Princess Adelheid of Löwenstein-Wertheim-Rosenberg (1831-1909) (29-year gap)
John and Bo Derek (29-year gap)
W.B.Yeats x 'Georgie' Hyde Lees (28-year gap)
Charles Dickens x Ellen Lawless Ternan (27-year gap)
Larry King x Shawn Southwick (c.27-year gap)
Sir Paul McCartney x Heather Mills (26-year gap)
Aga Khan x Gabriele zu Leiningen (26-year gap)
Humphrey Bogart x Lauren Bacall (25-year gap)
Michael Douglas x Catherine Zeta Jones (25-year gap)

The most straightforwardly and demonstrably happy couples over a long period are probably:
John & Bo Derek
Eric Dolphy x Zsa Zsa Padilla.

Good luck! All comments, corrections and criticism welcomed.

Sincerely, -- Chris Brand.

Originally posted by Softiee19

I have come to realized I don't need these people in my life, and that if they can't support my desicions in life, then they arent really friends.

I think this is very important. The ability to make wise decisions in selecting those around us is critical to a happy and successful life. When I was 26 I looked around me and discovered I had surrounded myself with people I didn't really like and weren't people I would choose as friends if I could choose again. Most of them I simply carried along from my past, as if they were worthwhile simply because they had been there a long time.

My friend recently gave me some advice. He said, "Scott, you only have room in your life for a few close people. Choose those people carefully because you have to live with them."

Choose your friends with care...or, a quote I like:

Never be in the company of anyone with whom you would not want to die. Fremen saying, Dune: House Harkonen, Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson

A bit morbid? Maybe.

A bit extreme for your situation, Cupid215, but the general idea is the same.

You cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends; sometimes, friends become a part of family.

I know personally, I have many aquaintances, and a few friends. A true friend gives you the truth, even when it hurts; a true friend believes in you and your choices, even if they disagree with them; a true friend says what they need to say to your face always and never behind your back; a true friend does all this and more with compassion, humor, and grace.

As for the friends you find yourself surrounded by now, this is merely a test. If they cannot say what they need to say to your face, that's a problem. If they use their words as weapons; that's a problem. If they do not believe that you can make the best choice for yourself, even when their opinion is different, that's a problem. If your friend is not out for you to find happiness in whatever (non-destructive) form you find it, that's a problem.

Lay these concerns out with your friends; perhaps their intentions are good and they just go about them the wrong way. I hope this is the case.

If not...time for tough choices. Try to surround yourself with people who are full of the traits you wish to embody. Try to surround yourself with people who support you; this is not to say you should find yourself a "yes-friend" who only tells you what you wish to hear. How awful if that were the case. I guess what I'm getting at is this: positive people versus negetive people. No one needs to be surrounded by people who drag them down all the time and never lift them up!

Seek out positive people in your life, and you will find yourself surrounded by the type of friends you need, and deserve.

I could be having the worst day of my life--and have felt this way before--and part of what gets me thru is knowing I can pick up the phone when it's all over, call my best friend, and say "you will NOT believe the day I had!" And know that she will listen, and laugh at it with me. Not coddle me, not overindulge me, but share a "yep, THAT was a kick in the pants; we'll get 'em tommorrow!"

Trust yourself above all; this includes trusting your choices about friends.

Best to you in life, friendship and love.

Thank you all for your advice! I appreciate it so much! good luck to all :)

to ignore your post! I've just barely been able to flit in and out around here. Whoooo....busy!

The relationship is going alright, but I'll have an official update for you guys soon. LOL.

Good luck with your friends. Just relax and BE HAPPY!

Love,
Happy