lilah 10-10-2003, 03:25 PM Hi everyone, I'm a new poster here. Since you're all such brilliant advice-givers (grin) I thought maybe someone would have thoughts on my situation...
I'm 21 years old and involved in a serious relationship with J who's 40. That's not the problem, of course. Between us everything is wonderful...I've never had this kind of connection with anyone before, I know I'm young but I really believe this is the love of my life and all of that cheesy junk. From the first time we met it's like something just clicked between us. I've always felt sort of distant from people my own age, like I was from a different planet than all of them. I also graduated from school a couple years early and went straight to university, yes that probably didn't help me connect to boys my age. But with J...ok I'll stop before it gets really mushy.
The problem comes from other people's reaction to our relationship. J was very reluctant to tell his friends about it, which I understand, and once he did they sort of cautiously tolerate it but I know they think he should be with someone his own age. The words "midlife crisis" have definitely been said, lol. (J was married in his 20s but had been divorced years before I met him so it's not about that.) I have to admit it is fairly weird, socially I'm not used to hanging out with middle-aged people w/ kids!
My father and stepmother have also been less than pleased with the situation. I don't live with them and I support myself financially, it's not that they can tell me what to do, but I grew up with my dad as a single father, and it's hard for me to deal with the fact that what I'm doing with my life makes him so unhappy. My dad acts like I'm with J just to spite him, which couldn't be farther from the truth but he won't even give the relationship a chance. The last time I called my dad he hung up on me, he's so angry about it.
It's also hard on J because, come on, no one likes being treated like a sicko. He's never dated anyone so much younger than him before (his ex-wife and previous girlfriends have been right around his age) and I know that for him it's not about having a trophy girlfriend. I had to push him so hard to get him to first act on the feelings he had for me. We got together despite my age not because of it.
It's still worth it to me to be with him but these things do get frustrating. Sometimes I wish we could just be alone together all the time and never have to deal with the rest of the world at all.
EMCAD80 10-10-2003, 03:32 PM Hi and Welcome!
Well that's how things were with me and D. Although, he let his thoughts get the best of him. He said that he feels he saving us both in the long run. Becuase he feels that I will eventually leave him, that I don' t leave him I'll be left as a young widow. He has all sorts of negative thoughts built up....but never a positive one. I told him many many MANY times that no one is promised tomorrow and to live for the now. It's hard for him to do....and it saddens me that these feelings can get the best of a person. It's been a long, rough, emotional ride for me.
I hope that things don't get that far with you and J. I can't base it off of my current situation. It gets hard, then easy, then hard, then easy...but you must be there for each other. You both have to be willing to be each others strength.
As for you Dad...he'll come around. Most parents want to see their children happy...and when he sees you happy, it will be like a light switch. He can't stop you from making your own choices. Stay stong and be brave.
Good Luck!
EM
rollsharley 10-10-2003, 07:00 PM lilah,
Hello and welcome,
I agree with EM when she says your father will come around in time once he sees that you really have something going besides being 'just for spite'.
I have to admit it is fairly weird, socially I'm not used to hanging out with middle-aged people w/ kids!
Well any relationship is a two way street, have him hang with your friends as well. My YW is 19 and I am 41 yet our friends have become just that 'our' friends (some were C's first some mine) my point is I don't try to make her stay with only my friends.
I don't think it would be right at all to keep her pushed towards one age group and I know she is still young and needs to enjoy the friendships of being young. After a year together I can say that her friends accept me as I am and have even come hang just with me while she's been at work at times.
As for peoples reactions, well thats something we all have to deal with in an age gap relationship which I can only say...if the love is strong enough you can make it past the looks words and reactions of outsiders, friends and family members. And it does get better as time goes by.
Don
MerAlove23 10-10-2003, 07:11 PM Welcome to the boards!!! I do agree with all those above...
great t hing is you do support yourself.... and your right if your happy than that'ds all that matters.....Although the funny thing is everyone I tell about my husband and his age says who cares,, well most anyway....
Your father will come around ...it takes time.....
lilah 10-12-2003, 12:32 AM Thanks everyone for the replies. Emcad, I'm sorry things didn't work out for your relationship. I know you're right that parents want to see us happy...even if they have frustrating ways of showing it sometimes. Rollsharley, it's good to hear that about your individual friends becoming both of your friends. I guess I just need to be a little patient until everyone comes around and accepts the situation.
littleme 10-12-2003, 02:22 AM hi lilah,
welcome to the board.
I was the one who made the first move on my OM (now ex). I did think of many issues before I made my move. As for the friends and family bit... well I figured if my friends think I'm a psycho and decides not to talk to me or have anything to do with me if I'm dating a OM then they're not my friends after all. As for my family, I was selfish, I did not think too much of them. But I did what I wanted, what my heart wanted and I figured they would just have to accept. They had a hard time accepting it at first. In fact my father was very very upset to the extend of crying. But a few months later they came round.
It is not easy being in a YW/OM relationship. Both of you have to be very strong about it and standing on firm ground. Good luck to you.
dmbdmo 10-14-2003, 02:27 PM My husband is 57 and I am 31. Seems as though once we stopped focusing on the age gap, others (including family) did so too. Focus inward on what is special in your relationship and share that with others (rather than the age gap). Honor and cherish your love rather than trying to find acceptance from others about it.
Love is a gift. Don't let the age difference overshadow the happiness of the relationship. Once my family learned about the man that I fell deeply in love with and married, they have accepted him. No, they don't like his age but they love that he makes their daughter happy and that's all they've ever wanted for me. Even if they couldn't have accepted his age, I would still have shown them that I love them and respect them.
Rhadamanthus 10-14-2003, 02:30 PM Originally posted by lilah
It's still worth it to me to be with him but these things do get frustrating. Sometimes I wish we could just be alone together all the time and never have to deal with the rest of the world at all.
God, I hear that all too well.
SmilinGal19 10-14-2003, 02:50 PM hello lilah,
Hi and welcome to the boards. I'm sorry about what you are going through, but it sounds like you have already gotten alot of good replies that I don't have anything to add.
I hope things turn out for the better in the future for you.
Crystal
datura81 10-14-2003, 04:55 PM Hi Lilah. Your situation mirrors mine, and that of many others who belong here, because it's really common for people to react negatively to age gaps (even though it's none o' their damn business). If you think your dad hanging up on you is bad, imagine me......living with my parents, who not only hate the age gap, but also the fact that he's been divorced. As if that is more grounds to treat him like scum. Their reaction has been hardest of all, but I refuse to let them emotionally blackmail me. I know what's right for me, because they know nothing about my relationship, and refuse to consider it anything but scandalous and harmful (which couldn't be further from it). I read some advice on the internet; the longer your relationship lasts, the more it proves itself. You don't have to do anything to make other people understand, but just do what you would anyway. There's no use arguing about it, because that seems to give people an idea that you have something to be defensive about. Just live it. Then someday you can tell them to stick it up their A$$.
(Rubbing my hands together in anticipation of this moment......)
lilah 10-19-2003, 02:47 AM Well, my dad continues to be more and more of a jerk about it. He's not speaking to me (so mature, right?) but I've talked to my stepmother a couple times. She's not very pleased either.
I can see in retrospect that I went about telling my family all wrong. Like you all have been saying, acting defensive just makes the relationship look worse. It seemed at the time like a good idea to keep it secret at first, now I see that the way it played out, it was like we were 'busted' instead of being open & honest like any other relationship.
There's no use arguing about it, because that seems to give people an idea that you have something to be defensive about. Just live it. Then someday you can tell them to stick it up their A$$.
LOL, datura. I just need to keep repeating that to myself, huh.
Thanks again everyone for the advice, it does help to hear from other people who get it.
gineuwinegirl26 10-20-2003, 10:11 AM Hey Lilah!! just want to welcome you to the boards and to tell you to keep your head up.:)
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