He won't move out of my apt.!

I am 25 and dating a guy who is 46 - we started dating on and off in March and have been solid since August. I let him stay at my place for a while, while he was "getting back on his feet" after a long bout of unemployment. Now, I have known him for over two years and actually worked for him as an unpaid volunteer for his music business.

He signed a lease on his own apartment in August. He is now working again. When I got my apt. in March, he was like, "It's great that now you have a place to be on your own and have things like you like them". Well, now it's like HE WON'T FRIGGING MOVE OUT!

It was OK for a while - him there every night. I hadn't lived alone ever so it was comforting. Now I feel like I *never* have any time alone! His apt. is half a mile away, and he even said the other day that "we might as well use it for storage space", assuming he's going to stay with me every damn night! Not to mention he pitches a ***** if I smoke too many cigs in his opinion or have one glass of wine too many, god forbid.

Here's where it gets messy: I am a poor college student. I quit a job (bartending) in August (boss was sexually harrassing me and trying to get me to do drugs, what a winner) to work for this other dumb a$$ - I couldn't take it anymore so I quit. M told me I could quit and he'd take care of me until the end of the semester. Because of that, I feel I can't tell him to spend more time at his place.

Plus, it seems that whenever I politely suggest that he might want to take his stuff over to his place, he blows up and makes up some excuse. Then a minute later he'll apologize. It drives me nuts.

I also hate that he has the stupid TV on all the time. I am a reader. I hate the TV. Right now he is watching Stargate. No offense to you Stargate fans, but I cannot stand that he would rather watch this fluff than pick up a book. (Tonight is the freaking 8 hour once a week Stargate marathon too, ugh)

I have been in nonstop full-on relationships since I was 15. I told myself when I was 21 that the next time I lived with a guy it would be during marriage. The last psycho goober I dated (2 years) was 20 years older and had divorce and possessiveness issues that made my life hell. I broke up with him and moved out in March to go out with M.

Help! I would love some advice. I love older men, but every time I really get to know one it seems like he's just another case of arrested development.

Thanks. It felt good to unload a bit here.

Flower,

Welcome first off,

Is there any way you can apply for student loans and grants? And how about family? Just wondering what other options you may have.

Because to me this guy sounds like he's nothing at all like what your idea of Mr. Right is. Which you seem to have figured out without our help. Sounds more like the problem is how to send him packing without having to further your own struggles.

But as for politely suggesting he take his stuff to his place then him blowing up....I don't know but its sure time to stand your ground I'm thinking. You helped him when he was down, now he says he wants to help you back. But that shouldn't mean he can pin you under a rock to do it.

Best of luck.

Don

I already receive loans and grants, to the tune of five digits per year. Unfortunately my apt. is somewhat expensive (where I live it's a good bargain though, in a relatively crime free area, and I can't stand living in the burbs) and I have had car troubles (I live in Houston and would love to sell my car but public transport SUCKS here!). Forget about family too. My dad has never helped, and my mom already put me through college once, for my bachelors, and probably thinks I'm nuts for going back to school for further ed.

Really, M and I get along rather well, but I don't want to sour another relationship by spending too much time with him. You have no idea how I would just *love* to turn up the radio and pop open a bottle of merlot and dance around the place half naked - but Can't! On the other hand, it's nice to have a guy who takes care of me....decisions decisions!! I've never had a guy spoil me like he does.

Anyway, thanks for the advice!

I think that you should move out and get a cheaper, smaller apartment farther away from him so that you can be independent and learn survival skills. That part of YOUR development seems to be arrested. Tell him that you would like to have some space for yourself to concentrate more on your studies. Most importantly, don't hook up the TV. Then, he should get the message that you need a time-out.

Another suggestion--in light of your comment about so many issues that bug you about older men--next time, try a younger guy.

Good luck!

Call the police and have them physically throw his but out. He is a freeloader and just wants to have his cake and eat it too, I am going to sound like judge judy now but throw this guy to the curb. He is living there at your apartment because he is paying for it and he has you right where everyman wants their women, in the palm of their hand. He's got his own place yet he stays at yours. I guess he figures you put out for him when he needs it and why go home and be lonely. Trust me when you get a job and finish school he will look to find another way to control you. You need him now so, you have to put up with his crap. Get student loans and move back in with your parents or stay at the dorms at the college. Shed the dead skin. He is just slowing you down there are alot of great older men out there find a good one.
This thread is making me so angry.
It's your apartment pull the plug out of the T.V. and thats it. If he gets pissed off show him the door and kick him in the *** on his way out. I HAVE TO SCREAM I am so angry UGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Flower,

Hi and welcome! It seems to me that you like the man, but you're not ready to be living with him. That's 100% fine. You are in a situation, however, where you depend on him financially. My suggestion is to find another way to support yourself other than depend on him, and have a serious conversation about where you are in your relationship. Tell him that its moving too fast and you're not ready, or tell him you need time alone. If you are in graduate school, then I am sure you can come up with a creative solution or job that will allow you some financial freedom. But you have to get on your own feet, regardless of anything else.

Actually, from reading your very short post, it sounds to me like you could use some time out of a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the sense I got. Perhaps take a month or some period of time to not date anyone?

Good luck.
Emmie

well Unfortunatly I can't understand how you can be with a guy and feel this way about him..... are you only with him because he's helping you????? Well I think you should apply for dorming and financial aids etc...a nd tell this guy to screw... Seems to me you have nothing in common.. you don't like anything he likes and I honestly don't see a future for you guys... dont' waste time on something you don't really want because life is way to short...

Good Luck!!

Hi flower and welcome.

Sounds to me you are constantly really frustrated with him. Is that the case? Have you sat down and talked with him? I might be wrong but he sounds quite selfish to me...

Well, I ditto what others have said already about getting financial support elsewhere.

If you want to make this relationship work then both of you have to meet half way. It sounds like you are getting angry and frustrated but he is sitting on his butt and doing what pleases him.

I don't have much advice but good luck. Please keep us updated.

Flower, welcome. Please take a moment to prepare yourself for I am about to say. It won't be pretty, I'm afraid, but I say it with compassion for you...and a bit of fear.

Originally posted by Flower
Now I feel like I *never* have any time alone! His apt. is half a mile away, and he even said the other day that "we might as well use it for storage space", assuming he's going to stay with me every damn night! Not to mention he pitches a ***** if I smoke too many cigs in his opinion or have one glass of wine too many, god forbid.

Okay, warning sign number one. These are signs of CONTROLLING behavior. First, he makes a decision for both of you, when the decision should be yours alone, or you should have at least had an in-depth discussion about, with you putting in YOUR own opinion. Second, he pitches a (Assuming word here) he B!TCHES at you for your own personal drinking and smoking habits. SECOND sign of controlling behavior.

Controlling behavior in a spouse or mate is typically an escalating thing. It starts out as simple as this...decisions made for you...behavior modification "suggestions" with a bit of a temper thrown in for good measure.

Here's where it gets messy: I am a poor college student. I quit a job (bartending) in August (boss was sexually harrassing me and trying to get me to do drugs, what a winner) to work for this other dumb a$$ - I couldn't take it anymore so I quit. M told me I could quit and he'd take care of me until the end of the semester. Because of that, I feel I can't tell him to spend more time at his place.

Let's talk about this for a moment. This is the second guy you mention that treats you ill...NOT blaming you here. ANY person can be sexually harrassed, be they assertive or not, young or old, etc. However, I see a pattern here....

How assertive are you? Can you stand up for yourself? Have you made a practice of it? Sexual harrassment is an ego-bruising experience...but, the way to get something GOOD out of it is to stand up for yourself...don't just walk away. You walk away, he gets away with it, and moves on to someone else. You stand up for yourself, he might still get away with it, and move on to someone else, BUT you feel better for having stood your ground.

Plus, it seems that whenever I politely suggest that he might want to take his stuff over to his place, he blows up and makes up some excuse. Then a minute later he'll apologize. It drives me nuts.

Warning sign number two. You can see a controlling person by their main weapon, emotional abuse. YOU don't need this roller coaster ride. One minute he's exploding, then he's apologizing. He is using his temper as a weapon, and it's aimed right at you! If this pattern develops further, you're going to suffer. You are heading for a state of affairs that isn't nice: you're going to end up tip-toeing around him, wondering when he will explode next, and what will set him off!

I also hate that he has the stupid TV on all the time. I am a reader. I hate the TV. Right now he is watching Stargate. No offense to you Stargate fans, but I cannot stand that he would rather watch this fluff than pick up a book. (Tonight is the freaking 8 hour once a week Stargate marathon too, ugh)

Basic incompatability here...as previously mentioned. Nothing dire here, just reinforcing what everyone else has said. What do you have in common with him?

I have been in nonstop full-on relationships since I was 15. I

Take a minute to look at this fact alone, by itsself. Why have you alaways been in relationships? Do you feel the need for a companion? At all times? What about you?

There are certain phases of growth that can only be reached when you are solo! Being single can suck, I know. Valentines day, Friday nights alone, all the cute couples you see at the mall...etc. However, when you constantly have another person around, when there is always someone there to catch you when you fall, you do not get all the experience in life that you need to develop into a balanced, well-rounded individual!! Every one needs to fall on their butt with no cushion every once in a while.... It's not the pain of the fall that develops our character, it's the way we get back up and try again.

Plus this speaks of a different pattern....

The last psycho goober I dated (2 years) was 20 years older and had divorce and possessiveness issues that made my life hell. I broke up with him and moved out in March to go out with M.

THIRD bad egg you mentioned...why do you end up with this sort of fellow? Flower, I see a real need for you to work out some things for yourself.... Time to ask yourself the hard questions.

Help! I would love some advice. I love older men, but every time I really get to know one it seems like he's just another case of arrested development.

Thanks. It felt good to unload a bit here.

Okay Flower, here are the points I'm trying to get to.

The patterns I see here, in your life, from what you have said, fit the pattern of domestic abuse. Number one, this guy is showing symptoms of being controlling. Number two, you show signs of a lack of assertiveness, and a lack of self worth, that lead you to accept these types of men into your life. Number three, the implication that you always have a man around, another sign....

Now, I understand that just because someone has the symptoms of a thing doesn't mean they will develop the thing itsself. Not all people, places, situations fit into pre-cut molds, where we can point at them and say--"Yes, yes, that is definately a square."

But...the fact that these signs and patterns are there lead me to give you this advice.

Number one, ask yourself this: "How much am I worth?" You need to examine the current picture of your self worth, and see what it amounts to. How much are you worth? If I could answer, the answer would be--"MORE than this. MUCH more than this." What is your answer?

Number two, get informed about abuse--emotional abuse by a spouse or partner usually fits set patterns. See if your life, your relationships, fit these patterns. Get to know the facts--information is your best weapon! Understand that emotional abuse doesn't just go away on its' own--it usually gets worse. Sometimes it culminates in domestic abuse even. Patterns, information...get to know all that you can so that you are well-informed and can make a better decision.

Number three, realize that one of the hardest and scariest things in this world is to be out there, on your own, doing it. It's hard to work, go to school, pay the bills.... It's hard to scrimp, and save, and budget...but when you do it, when you accomplish it, nothing makes you feel more proud.... Yup, difficult, and scary, and sometimes lonely, but still...you look around and see where your hard work has gone, and that's something.

I hope you take a moment to think about the things I've talked about. I worked in a domestic violence center, you see, and these are the things I learned and saw...among other things, that I hope you never have to learn or see first-hand.

I know my advice is different from what you have received so far. And I may be way off base. I do hope I am...because the cycle of abuse is a difficult one to break. But my words give you a different view, another perspective, and I just ask that you consider it as well as the other advice you have received.

If you ever want more information, there are any number of women here, myself included, who can and will give that information freely.

Don't give up on love, or more importantly, on yourself.

Good luck to you.

I would hate to suggest this sneak tactic but, since it was once done to me, change the door locks when he's gone.

Originally posted by larasteele
If you ever want more information, there are any number of women here, myself included, who can and will give that information freely.

Women:mad:.....Hrumph!

<<....must be chopped liver!
Seriously very well said Lara!
Then mumbles the great womanly advice given in this thread!

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6510

Don

Hmmmm....that makes me wonder if that's how D felt when I was always at his house. However I was always invited and never had a key. Anywho...I think Lara hit it right on the head. It will be hard....but well worth it. Maybe you can sit him down (tape his mouth shut if he won't let you talk) and tell him that YOU NEED YOUR OWN SPACE! It's not that you don't have feelings for him, but you need the time for you. If you would like (I wouldn't), you can still see each other everyday, every other day, or a few times a week, but he CAN'T be at your place 24/7...espcially if he has his own place.

I, on the other hand, would love to be with someone I love every minute I possibly could. Do you really love him? Are you like this with all men you date? Just something to ponder.

Best of luck,
EM

Originally posted by rollsharley
Women:mad:.....Hrumph!

<<....must be chopped liver!

Don

oops. Sorry Don, and all the other men here, I was making an ASSumption that it might be easier to talk to someone who had been there, that someone being more than likely a woman. My bad.

slinks off, embarrassed.

Aww ty Lara,

But believe me I've been there (you may remember my posts way back about the mother of my son and her abuse to me both physically and mentally?) but yeah its assumed abuse is done by men and not women!

Don

You know we love you GUYS...MEN...HOMBRES....roflmao.

Love,
Happy

Flower,

Make yourself a cup of good tea...
Spark up a cigarette...
Read larasteele's post..
Repeat.

Flower, you need to look at whats best for you and being in a seemingly dysfunctional relationship is certainly not that. If you truly do care about him, then maybe you can continue the relationship after you change the living situation, because either its a definite non-compatibility issue, or a not-ready-to-live-together issue..thats what you have to ascertain.

I hope you do whats best for you, please keep us posted.

All the best
- Munchie

Some interesting responses, ladies and Don..;)

So, we have a young lady who is a poor student. She doesn't like to live in the suburbs or bad neigbourhood and the public transportation sucks in her town. She doesn't work, has to eat, drink (also wine) and smoke. So, the bad and abusive guy provides it for her. He pays the rent (obvious, right?) and also pays for the smokes and drinks that he is critisising.

IMO, we should consider that he MIGHT think that they have a real relationship - and doesn't realize that he is rather employed as Sugar Daddy. Therefore he MIGHT treat the young lady as a life partner with whom to live together should be perceived quite normal. He MIGHT voice his concern about her smoking habit and "one glass of wine too much". Wouldn't any of us do that if we were caring? Even if he is a controlling person, he still might be simply concerned about his GF.

The young lady would like to keep all the privileges and meet the provider from time to time (to compensate??). Other than that she would like to be left alone..

What I wrote above is not necessary how I perceive this particular situation. I just wanted to present yet another possible point of view..

Curious,

Teli

I have to agree with Teli, here. It strikes me that nobody said that before. During Med School I didn't have a car, didn't have an apartment of my own (shared with other students), no money for wine and never had anyone paying none of those for me.

Saying that the reason why she doesn't quit him is because her apartment is expensive and she doesn't like living in the "burbs" is so shocking, I can't believe only the guy has been judged here. He probably is controlling, and either a complete fool or a total jerk, but she's not much better. It looks like a contract where both of them had a price.

I feel sorry for both of you. I don't think I've ever written such a harsh post, but honestly, who is using who?

Telimina and MariaLux are right. I held back on posting because I didn't want to be harsh and I was afraid I was reading the situation wrong.

If does he pay for the apartment he has a right to be there. Silly me, but when I pay for something I expect it to be at least partially mine. It seems rather ungrateful to take his money and then complain that he watches a television show you don't like or something like that.

You've quit two jobs since August and you still expect to live in a comfortable manner? Almost all college students are poor. You're not unique. Get a cheaper apartment. If you don't want a car live in a dorm or somewhere really close to campus. Apply for a teaching assistantship or something else to make ends meet. Or take out more loans. Stringing someone along because they "take care of you" is not the answer. You may get along with him just fine (when he doesn't annoy the crap out of you with his mere presence), but it doesn't seem like you care about him or even respect him.

But everyone here seems to think I don't respect the guy. Of course I do. He's one of my best friends. Heck, I gave him money and shelter and hundreds of hours of my time as a volunteer for his organization until it went under. I kind of feel that I deserve to accept whatever he wants to give me. Although many of you are right in saying I shouldn't complain if he watches TV or anything like that. I was also kind of grumpy when I made that post, so please understand that!!
Also, I have a lease on my apt. until the end of March, so I can't leave that. I've lived on campus - a total nightmare and too long a story to post here. I guess I'm just frustrated because the last guy I was with, for two years, made me feel like I owed him my life for being able to live in his house. Almost all of the money I earned at my lousy job went in his pocket, not to mention a lot of my student loan money. Then this guy comes along and says that the other guy is a jerk for making me pay all that money to live in his house. It made me feel special. Anyway, I just wanted to post that and Thanks for all of your replies.

Originally posted by Flower

He signed a lease on his own apartment in August. He is now working again. When I got my apt. in March, he was like, "It's great that now you have a place to be on your own and have things like you like them". Well, now it's like HE WON'T FRIGGING MOVE OUT!
It was OK for a while - him there every night. I hadn't lived alone ever so it was comforting. Now I feel like I *never* have any time alone! His apt. is half a mile away, and he even said the other day that "we might as well use it for storage space", assuming he's going to stay with me every damn night! Not to mention he pitches a ***** if I smoke too many cigs in his opinion or have one glass of wine too many, god forbid.

Here's where it gets messy: I am a poor college student. I quit a job (bartending) in August (boss was sexually harrassing me and trying to get me to do drugs, what a winner) to work for this other dumb a$$ - I couldn't take it anymore so I quit. M told me I could quit and he'd take care of me until the end of the semester. Because of that, I feel I can't tell him to spend more time at his place.

Plus, it seems that whenever I politely suggest that he might want to take his stuff over to his place, he blows up and makes up some excuse. Then a minute later he'll apologize. It drives me nuts.

I also hate that he has the stupid TV on all the time. I am a reader. I hate the TV. Right now he is watching Stargate. No offense to you Stargate fans, but I cannot stand that he would rather watch this fluff than pick up a book. (Tonight is the freaking 8 hour once a week Stargate marathon too, ugh)

I have been in nonstop full-on relationships since I was 15. I told myself when I was 21 that the next time I lived with a guy it would be during marriage. The last psycho goober I dated (2 years) was 20 years older and had divorce and possessiveness issues that made my life hell. I broke up with him and moved out in March to go out with M.

Help! I would love some advice. I love older men, but every time I really get to know one it seems like he's just another case of arrested development.

Thanks. It felt good to unload a bit here.

Flower read your post again.. I understand you were grumpy I understand that.. but the language you used and how you wrote this definatly seems likeyou don't "love" the man or at least not in love yet... I do agree with you thta if you don't want him there he needs to move but you need tot ell him that ... if your not and just allowing it then you are giving him the green light......Just because you ask him for your own apt.. doesn't mean you dont love him or want him its just sometimes you need your own space and your not ready for the 24 hour a day relationship.. and that's OK>..... but you need to tell him that.....Moving in is a huge step and can make and break realationships..... Although I do have to tellyou the way you spoke of him made us think this way...

Good Luck I totally hope this works out for you.. Just be HONEST it's the only way!!!

Originally posted by Telimena
Some interesting responses, ladies and Don..;)

So, we have a young lady who is a poor student. She doesn't like to live in the suburbs or bad neigbourhood and the public transportation sucks in her town. She doesn't work, has to eat, drink (also wine) and smoke. So, the bad and abusive guy provides it for her. He pays the rent (obvious, right?) and also pays for the smokes and drinks that he is critisising.

IMO, we should consider that he MIGHT think that they have a real relationship - and doesn't realize that he is rather employed as Sugar Daddy.

Interesting points as well Teli.

But even after readind everybody's posts and even after Flowers responses, it still seems more like a matter of His being unable to decide what he wants.

I mean the relationship doesn't sound like its rocky, just that they went through al they have Then in August he was doing well enough to sign a lease on a place for himself.

To me at that point I'd be thinking the very same as Flower,.........ok he has a place now and things will be different!
I'm sorry but I don't think I'd be thinking, well he has his own place I guess he'll be staying here!

This was his action (getting his own place) not Flower's, and it was something I'd be frustrated about as well if the person did not continue to act on it without at least talking it over with me.

Happy relationship or not, the guy needs to explain himself not just blow up then say sorry two minutes later. THAT part I think really needs the work!

Again just my two cents.

Don

Don I agree........ with you here.... Although I do think she needs to communicate.. He probably felt the right because he was paying and I can see that.....I understand it's tough and poor being a student (for the time being) but You also have to admit... that she is taking his money which is fine... but she needs to tell him that she apprieciates his generosity..... and that is a decision that he needs to make to give her... but she does care about him and wants to be with him but she also needs her space to...> She is not ready to live with him but he can stay there on the weekends or a few nights a week but she needs to maybe say i want tues and thurs to myself or what.....

Although In her post... they have NOTHING in common... she hates everything he does.....Shehates tv he loves it... she loves to read he never does... I mean If she loves this man doesn't she love him for who he is? and what he does? She can't mold him into what SHE wants.....Sorry ... I just don't feel a true relationship here....I think there are way to many conditions on this.....

He shouldn't be in her house...... He should be living apart unless they BOTH agree to it no matter what.. Its his decision to give her money etc... but she needs to communicate with this guy... because if she's not she is just leading him on also...

Don, as I said, I think the guy has problems, too. Either he's not getting it that she's fed up with his being around all the time, despite the fact that he's paying, either he's conscious of it and doesn't care because he's okay with the situation.

Whatever is the case, it doesn't change the fact that she's using him. She may have a hundred of excuses and names for what she's doing, but for me it is simple: he pays, she enjoys, and she doesn't want him all the time.

In a healthy relationship, when one is not happy, the couple talk about it and find a solution together. If she's not happy, she should just tell him to give her some space, she says they are best friends after all. Guess why she can't say that. Because the position she's enjoying right now is way too comfortable to risk him moving out and stopping paying her stuff.

So nobody is right there. As I said, both are living a lie. I'm not sure though, that he's aware of that. I would have to hear him. What I know is that she is living a lie and she knows it.

Flower, if you want to be free, you have to pay the price. This is not love and you are not honest with your partner. Your last guy and you had the same kind of relationship, you seem to be constantly on the position of depending on men, or having these money based relations, where either you complain of giving what you earn, or you put yourself in the position of depending on the partner. Healthy relationships are easier when there's equality. And when there's not, Love is so strong you won't notice the difference. That's why I say it's not Love.

Age gap relationships often have this image of the younger partner depending financially on the older, something that makes many people forget the most important and what we want to show them: that there is love between different generations. It's neither based on lust nor on finances.

You are not that young nor that poor (poverty, my dear, is far from what you are living). You don't live in a war torn country, nor in some slum, you can find a way to support yourself. That shouldn't be an excuse for living the way you are living now.

That's my harsh advice, but it's the one any decent person would give you.

Well Said Maria!!

You have no idea how I would just *love* to turn up the radio and pop open a bottle of merlot and dance around the place half naked - but Can't! On the other hand, it's nice to have a guy who takes care of me....decisions decisions!! I've never had a guy spoil me like he does.


Flower,
This was the main thing that got my attention when I read your posts. It seems as if you're making a decision based on whether you want to give up the financial aspect of the relationship. You didn't say "On the other hand it's nice to have him around because I love him so much," you said you didn't want to give up the financial benefits of having him around. I get the sense that your feelings are more platonic towards him, really. The way you complain about him watching TV reminds me of how brothers and sisters complain about each other. Maybe taking a break from relationships would help you understand the value of a healthy relationship instead of jumping from man to man just because that's what you're used to doing.

The "taking care of me" line really gets to me. It doesn't sound like you've ever been able to take care of yourself. The best thing would be for you to learn how to make it on your own and stop this repeated cycle of being with men you don't respect and who don't respect you. If someone keeps doing the same thing they are going to keep getting the same result.

I understand the feeling that you should love him because he "rescued" you from a bad situation. I have a good friend who married a guy who "rescued" her from an abusive marriage. He turned out to be passive-aggressive and emotionally abusive, but she put up with it for a long time because she was blinded by a feeling of gratitude and thought that she *should* love him. I think your situation is much the same way. Just because he is better than the last guy doesn't mean he is right for you. If you take a break and just be by yourself for a while (and that includes, obviously, being self-supporting as well) you might learn to set better standards for yourself and figure out what you really want in your life.

Am I the only one that sees that Flower carried Him for Months while He was unemployed???

I think the money issue is getting blown out of proportion here?

Guess I'm just not seeing that?

Yes she's not working for as much money now, But it still doesn't sound 'SugarDaddy' to me at all. She had the apartment first on her own/by her own, agreed?

I just see that they need to communicate Alot more than they are. Yeah I agree on the part about not sounding compatible with each other....hence time to communicate!

Don

Do you really think that one mistake justifies the other? He depended on her then, maybe he was wrong, but it was not him who came here to complain of what he'd had to put up with and still stay with her because he needed. Maybe the guy is really in love, how can we judge that?

They don't have a love relationship anymore, it sounds more like who is paying what for whom and when.

Honestly, when you read the way she complains about little things like him watching the TV, do you feel love there?

Do you sense in her any real love feelings for him? That's what turned our attention to the money thing and asked ourselves what is holding them together. Not the other way around.

Because if things are not okay, and money is not a big deal, then it's all solved, isn't it?

Originally posted by MariaLux
Do you sense in her any real love feelings for him?
but he is the most wonderful guy I've ever known!
my man made me feel special and told me, made me believe that I could do anything I wanted. Anyway, following that it was a tumultuous few months, but finally we can now say we are madly in love and enjoying our lives together!
But everyone here seems to think I don't respect the guy. Of course I do.
Although many of you are right in saying I shouldn't complain if he watches TV or anything like that. I was also kind of grumpy when I made that post, so please understand that!!

Two of those quotes are from her other posts and not this thread....but yes I do think she loves the guy. or at least did love him!

But I'm going to gracefully bow out of this thread now.:)

:)
I could do the same and paste the worse she said about it all. But I guess I don't need to put you all through that disgraceful way of talking about the man in her life.

I think I see respect in a different way.

Well I agree with BOTH of you guys... Don Your right she did let him live there etc etch and helped him out.... That was her choice to do that and he should yes repay her.....

The second post she wrote did have some nice things about him BUTTTTT that first post really was her feelings here.....

Does she love him? Probably ... Is she In Love with him? I think NOT..... she wouldn't ever say those things about him if they were ....... She likes NOTHING about him and it looks like nothing... I see them more as friends than lovers.........

What she is doing now is getting repayment for her generosity of letting him live there.... but like I said.... She was nice to do that.. but why didn't she tell him once he got his place to go? Why didn't she explain to him how she felt? Isn't that what a relationship is about? Honesty and Communication? I do think now she's to afraid of losing the money instead of him ... I don't think this would be an issue if she was the one supporting herself..... Without him right now she is homeless right? or in some trouble financially... so YES she definatly is not in love with this man ...... I would of never done this to my husband.... I am always honest no matter how brutal it is....

Maria and MerA are right on, I think.

Don,
You're in love, we all know that. You want other people to be in love too I'm sure. But just because someone says they are in love doesn't mean it's true, or even that they know what love is. If she wants financial compensation for her generosity to him she should ask for a check. This is not the way to do it. When you love someone and they are in trouble you take care of them, sure. But she seems extremely ungrateful and simply wants to have her cake (money) and eat it too (not have him around). If he is using money to control her, which very well may be the case, then it's only because she is allowing it. Sure he's better than any other guy she's been with, but what are we comparing him to, really? It just doesn't sound like she has a history of making mature decisions, and she wants to blame other people for things that are her responsibility. If she wants to save money on rent she should get a roommate, because that's basically what she has now. It does sound like money is the main thing keeping her from telling him off and throwing his butt out.

I maybe forgot to mention that he doesn't have a car and no driver's license, so I have to drive him everywhere - just another part of how we help each other out...I must seem really shallow and selfish. However, I'm not one to gush over how I feel about someone. Yeah, maybe I'm not stupid-crazy in love...then again, I don't know if I want that kind of thing until I'm older and feeling a little more secure. Maybe I don't want it at all. I've been there and it's been disappointing in the long run. Right now is right now. I don't think I want to get married until I'm at least 30 anyway. But for now, I don't mind having fun with a guy and being taken out and shown a good time. Heck, if I'm using him then he's using me too. OK, I think I've said enough!! (I can only imagine the responses I will get to this!)

The only thing I will say is that it doesn't even seem like you're really having all that much fun. The kind of relationship you're in will wear you down eventually and you may miss out on someone who is right for you because of it. Take care.

I think she is lying to herself... Not sure if she ever really did read her Inital post?

Now he doesn't have a car? I don't understand this.... Whoa.... maybe it's me but didn't you just say you BOTH help each other out??? then WHy are you complaining of helping him?

:D

"But for now, I don't mind having fun with a guy and being taken out and shown a good time. Heck, if I'm using him then he's using me too."

She said it all.

to me that is the sterotypical OM/YW relationship... I'm sorry but that's what it looks like to me.....this is NOT love...

What I find amazing is that Don (a man) defends Flower. I thought that men would rather say that she is using one of THEM - and Don is trying to see things objectively and even finds the guy not quite sure what he wants. Don, you seem to be caring guy, ya know?

Interesting story. It can be viewed in the light of schemes (Sugar Daddy and poor, yet much younger, woman). It can be analyzed in the light of mutual respect and love (lack of it?) in that relationship. It can be a story of an attraction at first, friendship later, when one of the two doesn't seem to notice the conversion and continues to believe in what's long gone.
It can also be discussed as a story of a young lady who goes to extremes and can't be happy in any of the circumstances.

I think, Flower, for yourself - as it was said above - the best would be to get a break from living with anybody (man or a woman) for a while. To find yourself - as it is often described; to see, what do you miss or what do you prefer, what you really long for. That would give you a prospective view.

Would you be willing to work again and maybe struggle a little in order to gain a luxury of being your own self??? Or..

Best wishes,

Teli

OK this is going to sound weird, but it's a point I didn't make originally....it seems to me that a lot of people here think I should feel guilty for my behavior, like I'm "using" him for money and such...

Should it matter if I was the reason he cleaned his life up and has a decent job now?

Before I seduced him, he was living in a warehouse, unemployed, still working on a hopeless dream of becoming a rich music promoter and studio owner. I convinced him that he needed to abandon this dream and get real.

As a result, he gave up the warehouse and studio, had it hard for a while (when he was living in my apt. and unemployed), but finally found a great job, after having been practically unemployed for two years (major corporation layoff story).

Just thought I'd put that out there for thought.

Cheers,

Flower

Originally posted by Munchkin
Flower,

Make yourself a cup of good herbal tea...
Spark up a blunt...
Read TheChosen1's posts..
Repeat.
- Munchie

Very good advice, Munchie.
After reading that 2nd piece, I see why you use that screen name now........LOL

Originally posted by Flower
Before I seduced him, he was living in a warehouse, unemployed, still working on a hopeless dream of becoming a rich music promoter and studio owner. As a result, he gave up the warehouse and studio, had it hard for a while (when he was living in my apt. and unemployed), but finally found a great job, after having been practically unemployed for two years (major corporation layoff story).

Cheers,

Flower

Your seduction did all of that? WOW, you're better than Jenna Jamison, Flower. What do you put in your seduction?........LOL

Originally posted by Flower
But for now, I don't mind having fun with a guy and being taken out and shown a good time. Heck, if I'm using him then he's using me too. OK, I think I've said enough!! (I can only imagine the responses I will get to this!)

<<<.......slowly pouts as I walk sulkingly away from this thread with my foot in my mouth:(

Oh well! I tried.......lol

Don

LOL Rolls...... We still love you!!!!!!!!

Just we know a user when we see one :-)

Rolls,

It's always good to have someone around who wants to see the good in everything. Too bad people don't always live up to those expectations, huh?

Originally posted by PinkPanther_04
Rolls,

It's always good to have someone around who wants to see the good in everything. Too bad people don't always live up to those expectations, huh?

Lol.....Well I did see the bad just the same, was just trying to be supportive and point out what good there was.

Don