Today sucked.

Those of you who have been around for a while may recall that a few months ago, I posted that the YW and I had won over the support of both her mother and her grandfather, but that we still had to work on her father. Well, her father's started to figure out what's going on, and he's not taking it very well.

To make a long story short, he's threatened (or so we hear, via her mother) to ban me from the house. Nevermind that he's never once said one word to me about anything. Nevermind that he hasn't shown me the common decency of at least explaining his point of view. Nevermind that I've bent over backwards in the last few months trying to help out every single member of his family in every possible way that I could. Nevermind that I've already put up with more shit from than anybody should ever have to.

Apparently, none of that counts for anything.

This has put me under an unbelievable amount of stress, as I'm sure many people here can identify with. And it hasn't been easy for the YW, either.

We spent an extended weekend this last weekend at the YW's grandfather's place, with her mom and her sister and her grandfather all there, too (that's why I've been gone for a little while). Those were unquestionably the best four days of my life. But now I've come back, back to deal with all his crap, back to a job that I can't stand. It's like hitting a brick wall.

And as if that weren't bad enough, we had our first real fight today. It was pretty mild, and we've already (mostly) put it behind us. In another few days, I'm sure it'll be out of mind. But it still sucked. I know now that fighting with her, for any reason, is my least favorite activity in all the world.

*sigh*

At least now I know that we're strong enough to weather the fights, too. But I still wish it had never happened.

Rhad,

Im sorry to hear that dear old daddy has gone scitzo....blah. Has he actually met you?

You know, he will eventually get over it. He wants to have his tantrum and kick and scream, but eventually time will have him understand....unfortunately, however, not before he has made a darn fool of himself and hurt the people around him. This irrational behaviour can only really be dealt with in one way - just let him have it. His threats will not change what is between you and his daughter, and eventually, he will come around. How frustrating this must be....

Ick. Fighting SUCKS, I hate it too. But, you said it yourself, in a few days it will be out of your mind. The fact that this has upset you so much only proves how much you care about her.

Wait it out, all will be ok, in the meantime vent to us and we will remind you of this :)

- Munchie

Tht *does* suck. There isn't a whole lot you can do to change someone's mind, but you know, obviously, that you can come back from a fight. Fights are HORRIBLE, and make you feel awful. But every does it. EVERYONE. And half the time, a week later, you can't remember what you were fighting about!

Love,
Happy

Rhad,

It sounds to me like its time for a break from her family, if only for a day or two.

I remember seeing a wise post not too long ago. (ok so maybe the next thread down or so)

quote: Originally posted by lilah:
these things do get frustrating. Sometimes I wish we could just be alone together all the time and never have to deal with the rest of the world at all.
Originally posted by Rhadamanthus:
God, I hear that all too well.

Maybe all the time is not possible!.....but hey at least some time!

Try not to let the stress get to you.

Don

Thanks guys, the support really helps.

Munchkin, yes, I have met her father, and her whole family. In fact, I spend rather a lot of time over at their house these days, which is why getting banned from there would be so horrible. And one of the other reasons the threat hurts so bad is because I actually thought of myself and her father as friends, and have for some time.

Not anymore. I made a HUGE effort to get to that point - and for the YW's sake, that effort isn't going to stop, or even slow down. But after being tried and condemned without a trial, or even a chance to speak on my own behalf, it's going to be a long, long time before I think of him as a "friend" again, and he's going to have to earn that one back.

I didn't elaborate on a lot when I wrote that, because I was exchausted and about to go to bed, but there's more going on. As I think I've also mentioned in previous threads (a while back, perhaps), she's having a lot of other family troubles. Her mom's finally been told by her doctor that she needs to see a psychiatrist. She's been clinically depressed for a while, and they think she needs her medication adjusted.

Now, it may sound a little weird, but the YW and I actually think that this is great news, because we think that it could really help her mom out. And she needs it. But we wish we could get her dad to go, too, because he's in just as bad shape, only he won't admit it. As I briefly mentioned in another thread, he's right smack in the middle of a mid-life crisis. And in the worst phase, too - the part where he's lashing out at anything and anyone around him.

I think that has a lot to do with why he's threatening to ban me. I don't think it has anything to do with me as a person at all. I think he's just trying to exert control over anything and everything he can because of where he's at in his life (we've beat this concept to death in the mid-life crisis thread, so I'm not going to go into too much right now).

And I really do believe that when he pulls through all that, he'll eventually accept me (although it still might not be quick and easy).

Don, the funny thing is, this is exactly what I was referring to when I made that comment. It's not easy to get away from her family, but we do try, and occasionally even manage it. And it's not even her family that bothers me so much, really - just her dad (she pretty much feels the same way). But even so, we manage it as much as we can, and those are far and away the best moments of my life.

We'll make it through this, I have no doubt. It'll just take some time.

My mom was not thrilled to find out about my relationship with a man 3 years older than her and two years older than my stepdad. I sat her down and explained to her that you cannot control who you fall in love with. I told her you picked Rod my step dad when I was ten I had no say in the matter and you fell in love with him something you have no control over. I also explained to her that the fact that I like older men has alot to do with my upbringing and my frame of mind. Guys my age for the most part are out for one thing and if it is a guy that hasn't set out just to get in my pants then many times we have nothing in common. At age 14 I worked two jobs went to school and the whole nine. I trained employees for my mothers buisness and did payroll for her company. At age 17 I chose to marry. At age 18 I was running my moms company, 58 employees spread allover the state, as she had moved 3000 miles away. I have been to 29 states, Canada, Mexico and the Bahamas. I have done everything from paramedic/firefighter, ****tail waitress to heavy equipment operator and my last job welding. So that's my explanation to my mom. My dad was a little different he was never real involved in my life when I was growing up so when I told him he I was dating a man two years older than him he said that the man was only out to get in my pants. I changed his mind in a hurry when he came to visit and I explained to him I have never been happier in my life and my appearance and actions proved my words true.
As for the fighting we all know how horribly bad that sucks. In my opinion though a relationship will never grow if you don't work through issues. You can never fight and just act like everything is peachy then all of the sudden 5 years later realize that this superficial thing you call a relationship is just that superficial and that you don't have a clue who this person in your life that used to light up your world is. The key to fighting is that when it is over you have accomplished something and there are rules to fighting. Your goal should be to reach some middle ground by arguing out viewpoints and coming to a mutually agreeable happy medium. You should not however do so in a manner which degrades the other person. And you should never say something you don't mean. Words said in anger that hurt are like squeezing a tube of toothpaste out. It's very easy to get it all out but virtually impossible to put back in. ;)

RHADS: That sounds alot like something that I went through back in 1987-88. I was dating a young lady who was 9 years my junior. The major problem, however, is that she was still considered a minor at the time. Of course, I can make it all sound better and say that she was very mature for her age but besides that, she stood 6'3 and weighed about 30 pounds more than I. And I was more of a bodybuilder at the time. So she totally looked nothing like a teenager. Needless to say, most of her relatives didn't like the fact of an older man dating their young niece. Neither of her aunts or uncles accepted the relationship. But to my surprise, her Mom, sister, and brother preferred me over her previous boyfriend, who was 2 years older than her. Though he was closer to her age, they looked at the fact that he was a high school drop-out who could not hold a job. At the time, I was just getting in police academy and was working at my current job for 3 years. Her family saw a future in me while the relatives only saw the age differences.

The fact of the matter is that if you two love each other as you say you do, ya'll WILL find a way to be together no matter what. Like it or not, her family will just have to get over it. I'm very sure that her parents don't want to drive her away from them (i.e., move out of their home to move in with you).

WINGSOFASWDOVE: You seem very wise, dear. But after reading your previous post, I can't help but wonder if you've missed your childhood. Don't get me wrong, you're very mature. And I remember working at my Dad's auto repair shop since I was 12. I still remember leaving school everyday since I was in the 7th grade and catching the bus to his repair shop. I owe alot of my knowledge and wisdom to my Dad and most of his friends who would hang around his shop after closing time. But I can honestly say that, though I had grown, some have told me that I lost some of my childhood because of that.

Well, the last couple of days have been a lot better. For one, we've put the fight well behind us (traces of it still linger, and probably will for a few more days, but it's fading rapidly).

I spent a few hours over there last night and again tonight (both times her dad was gone, which made it a lot easier on us both). And as always, things were a lot better after spending a little time together, even though we didn't talk much or do much. Just being near her is so very comforting.

As I was leaving tonight, her mom stopped me. I guess I should pass on a little bit of back story tonight, first. Her parents are both almost exactly the same age as my parents, despite the age gap between us. Her mother was married once before to a total asshole, but since her mother is such a great (and I mean terrific in every way) person, she still stayed with him - until he started beating her that is, which is when she finally divorced him. So she remarried to the YW's dad, and they had children rather late in life.

Anyway, getting back to my story, as I was leaving tonight, she stopped me in the hallway and gave me a big hug and said, "You know, if things had worked out a little bit differently, I could have had a son your age."

As if I weren't embarrassed enough, I was talking with the YW on the porch for those last few minutes (we always hate the part where I leave ;) ), and her mom opened the door (startled the heck out of us), and said, "What I said before, about having a son, if he were like you, I'd be very pleased."

No progress with the dad yet, although he (thank god) still hasn't banned me from the house. But I think I can safely say that I owe a lot of that to the help of the mother, whom I love to death.

So anyway, there's still a base level of stress there (and all the moreso for the YW, because she's having so many other unrelated family problems right now), but I'm dealing with it a lot better tonight than a few days ago.

Thanks again to everybody here for your support - I think I could have dealt with all of this anyway, but it's SOOOOOOOO much easier having all of you to turn to.

Hey...that looks like a good sign to me.... He will come around.....He will see the love you two have for each other...and/or eventually with time he will realize that this is your lives and you both live it......You both have to be strong to get through it.. because sometimes the one that doesn't agree will try almost everything to tear you apart!!!Her mom seems like a wonderful strong woman and I am sure she will take care of her daughter.. that is instinct... My om family didn't flinch they are fine with me.. My family never gave me to much of a hard time.. a few wise cracks here and there but never threated to ban anyone thank god... Now they Love him to death and My father gave me away in marriage and told me that I made the best decision and coming from my father Expeically my father LOL meant the world to me...... and Just remember that "love" does conquer and everything else will fall iinto place.. Just don't lose sight of the love and comminucate :-) Good Luck sweetie chin up!!!


That is like my saying lately CHIN UP lol I like it.. Heheh